Simple Things Are A Drag
by SoFrost
Summary: Sara finds out that her lover is connected to Cath somehow, then everything goes upside down... SaraOther and CS eventually.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **That goes without saying, I don't own anything of course but those poor words...

**Summary:** Sara finds out that her lover is connected to Cath somehow, then everything goes upside down... Sara/other and C/S eventually.

**A/N:**Hi everyone I'm back with a new fic. In the first one I wrote some people gave me an idea I've decided to give life to it. It's also a two point of view story. Once more it's slash so if you don't like, do not read.

Enjoy

So;)**  
**

**ps: **scubysnak**, thanks for helping me with the beta. ;) **

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**Simple Things Are A Drag  
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**Chapter 1: Sara**

A relentless and annoying banging noise wakes me from my slumber. It takes me another three seconds to understand that the sound is coming from my front door.

"Honey, I think someone is trying to kill your door." says the sleepy voice of my lover.

"Alright, alright. I'm up. Go, back to sleep babe," I say with resignation in my voice, kissing her neck before reluctantly getting out of the warm cocoon of the covers. My lover instantly grabs my pillow in order to replace me. I shake my head at the sight of her and head to my still noisy door.

This better be good.

I look through the peephole and all of the grouchiness I had disappears in that instant and is suddenly replaced with concern. I open my door quickly. "Catherine, are you alright? What's going on?" I ask with a soft voice as I invite her inside. I close the door and lead her to my couch.

I've never seen Catherine Willows in such a state of…disarray. I can tell she's been crying. Her hair is a mess and her usually sparkling eyes are filled with pain. She looks so lost right now that it hurts me.

"Cath?" I call her gently by her name. She looks at me like she's just remembered I was here.

"I shouldn't have come. I'm sorry." she whispers.

"Hey, it's ok. I'm here for you." I gently tell her.

"I had this case… and….and… It made me realize a lot of things…I…" She struggles but a fresh wave of tears spill from her eyes. I hug her tightly because I don't know what else to do.

"It's alright. Shhhhh. I've got you," I say as I gently rock her in a soothing motion. "You don't have to tell me anything now." I reassure her. I kiss her head softly. She's holding me tightly – as if her life depended on it – and her sobs are slowly subsiding. I don't know what put her in this state but I know that whatever – or whoever – it is, is on my shit list from now on.

Once Cath is a bit calmer, I pull back. I move her hair out of her face as I wipe away her tears. We don't say any thing. We just stare at each other silently.

I get a weird feeling while looking in her eyes – the same feeling I get every time I look in her eyes – so I break the silence. "How about some cocoa?" I ask her. She nods slightly. I kiss her forehead and get up to go on the other side of my island.

"Honey is everything okay?" my lover asks as she comes into the living room.

"Hey. Yeah. Sorry, if I woke you up. One of my friend…" I don't have time to finish my sentence before Catherine speaks.

"Nancy?" She says in stunned awe. I snap my head in her direction at the sound of her voice saying my lover's name. "What the…?"

"Cath…hi" Nancy says with a rather nervous voice.

Okay. I'm lost here. They both sport the same expression of utter surprise. I wave my hand between the two of them and ask a question to which I already know the answer. "You two know each other?"

"We should," Nancy says before looking at me. "Hon, meet my sister."

I feel like I'm about to give birth to a llama, or something equally insane. Either I'm still asleep or I've woken up in 'The Twilight Zone.'

"You're fucking my sister!?!" Catherine 'The Fury' Willows exclaims with a mix of rage, surprise and disgust. She gets up and walks towards me like she was about to punch me. "You bitch!" She says before slapping me hard enough to nearly make me lose my balance.

"Catherine! What's wrong with you?" Nancy says harshly as she moves to my side.

"Don't you talk to me now!" Catherine says crossly at Nancy, pointing her finger at her. Then she turns her attention to me again. She shakes her head with an expression wavering between anger and hurt. "I can't believe you!" she says through clenched teeth.

Then she turns to Nancy, opening her mouth to say something but nothing comes out. Instead, she turns and bolts from my apartment, slamming the door on her way out.

I cringe at the sound of my door slamming shut. My cheek starts to burn from its collision with Catherine's hand. I rub it to erase the sting of pain. Nope, I'm not dreaming.

My lover is _Catherine Willows' sister_, no less.

Please, someone shoot me.

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**Thanks for reading.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Wow! Thank you so much everyone for this warm welcome! Here's chapter two and I'll try not to take so long for chapter three.**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: **scubysnak** thanks for everything ;) - you know what I mean.**

Jackie**, I think we see Nancy something like 2 seconds in the first minutes of the very first episode, when Cath comes into scene. But other than that I don't think we ever see her.**

FloatingInMoon**, well I don't think I'll go through another 87 chapters, now you know me I like to play, so hang on your seatbelt! ;)**

JoJo**, you think I lost myself in the softy side? Come on, I like the dark side of the force so yes there'll be angst, you know how much I love being cruel XD...**

csi7**, of course Nancy and Sara will be together for a while. Besides I said C/S... _eventually_ (key word)... just kidding... or not...guess we'll see ;)  
**

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**Chapter 2: Catherine**

How dare she?! I can't believe her. I mean… God !!

I'm driving the streets of Vegas in order to calm myself. I was upset earlier. But now, well now, I'm just plain pissed off. Talk about some night!

First, I have the ugliest case of my entire career. It shook me to the core. I needed to talk to someone and my first instinct was to go to Sara.

I should mention now that Sara and I have been getting friendly lately. After finding Nick alive in a glass grave, every one has realized that we were more than just colleagues – more than just a team, more than just friends – we were, no, we are a family.

After that little epiphany, Sara and I had a long talk and decided that fighting with each other was getting old. So we did what we should have done six years ago, we became friends. That was a little more than six months ago and things have been going great. We sorted out all of our old issues, talked about all the arguments, made amends, and so on. When it was all said and done, I found that Sara really is quite a reliable person and she's a great friend. I can confide in her easily and whenever I need someone or something she's there without hesitation.

I didn't realize how much I had really missed that – a friendship with a woman – until I had it again. Sure, I had female friends before – not that many since I had quit dancing – but it wasn't the same. I mean there are the women in the lab at work, but the simple fact is that I spend more time with Sara because we are on the same team. And I'll tell you what, these last six months have made me realize that I've wasted way too much time pushing Sara away instead of being friends with her. Because we're really two peas in a pod, we understand each other, we balance each other, and we have more in common than I would have originally thought.

In short, we have the foundations for a perfect friendship.

Well, at least that's what I thought until tonight. As I was saying, I was upset and I needed someone to talk to, someone who would give me the comfort I desperately needed. Sara's comfort was exactly what I needed. So I went to her place and she was next to me in an instant. She hugged me and gave me all the tenderness and comfort I needed. Only, she wasn't alone, and at some point her lover came into the living room. Imagine my surprise when said lover turned out to be my own sister!

Sara being with a female lover wasn't a shock. I mean, this is Vegas. Sexual boundaries, conventions and all the rules of relationships and life are thrown out the window. There's nothing here that can surprise people. Sin City is the only place where being 'normal' makes you look like a weirdo. But of all the women on the planet she could fuck with – she had to pick _my_ sister! Can you believe it?

Not only is she fucking my sister, but she doesn't even have the guts to tell me to my face about it! Talk about betrayal!

And then there's my sister. My sister, my dear little sister. She was straight the last time I checked, but as I said before, this is Vegas. Even she has the right to get wild. But she _knew_ exactly who Sara was. The only way for her not to know Sara was for her to be deaf. I mean, I've been talking about Sara ever since the day she set foot in Vegas and joined _my_ team. Then, I talked about her every time we had a fight or when she was frustrating me – which was probably every day or so. I've been talking about Sara for the last six years, period!

How could this have happened right under my nose? I don't know what pisses me off the most – my colleague and friend for fucking with my family or my sister for fucking with my job!

I knew something was up with Nancy. She was happier lately. When I think about it, we had a talk two days ago about her mysterious lover. Now I know why she was reluctant to let me know her identity.

xxxxx

"So are you going to tell me his name or not?" I asked her as I leaned against her countertop.

"What are you talking about?" She asked, frowning a little for good measure in order to feign ignorance.

"The guy who put this smile on your face." I stated logically.

"Cath, there's no guy." she replied flatly.

"Yeah, right." I snorted. "Come on, Nancy. I know there's someone behind this particular smile."

"I don't know what you're talking about." she responded quickly.

"Sure. Let's process the situation, shall we? Six months ago you were depressed and moping around like a lonesome soul. And lately, you're positively glowing and smiling like a goof all the time. I swear I heard you singing the other day and you are zoning out with that love-sick puppy expression most of the time." I smiled, content with my astute observations. And if her blush was anything to go by, I knew I was right. In times like these, I love being a CSI. "Come on little sis, spill the beans. Who is this mysterious guy?" I asked her again waggling my eyebrows.

"Again Cath, there's no guy." She answered with a sigh.

I held my hands up in mock surrender "You don't want to share, fine. I'll find out on my own the identity of this Mr. Nobody."

My livelihood depends on my ability to interrogate criminals. I can read a face like an open book, and I love puzzles. So coming up with a description of my sister's lover was going to be a piece of cake.

"Okay, so let's see. I bet he's tall, at least taller than you are." I started. "His hair is blonde? No, no, dark. Yeah, that's right. He has dark hair. His eyes are… brown. You've always been a sucker for brown eyes. He has a radiant smile – the kind of smile that shines through his eyes as well. He's well built, but not bulky. I'd say lanky."

Nancy was staying stoic or at least she thought she was. The fact is that she was thinking about the object of her affection. Her eyes were looking to the right with every good detail I gave and her lips were imperceptibly lifting up. I'll tell you, being a CSI pays off more than you'll ever know.

"He's expressive. Better yet, I bet his eyes speak volumes even when he's silent. He's like you – calm, kind, a quiet and peaceful force." I rolled my tongue over my teeth as I was thinking about the other characteristics of Mr. Nobody. "He's really smart. He has a sharp mind. Even _your_ brain needs to be stimulated before your body. He's fun. I bet he has a dry sense of humor, your favorite. What else?"

I lifted my eyes up and thought seriously. I bit my lower lips with a smile "Oh, I know. He's attentive, provides you with the feeling of safety. And… he's passionate, a real fire." That last comment brought a bit of a blush to her cheeks. Oh yeah, I guessed it right. "You're blushing." I stated, only making her blush a little more. "I knew it! There is a guy!"

"Cath, there's no guy."

"God, you're hopeless." I sighed in despair. "Fine, I'll quit being pushy this time. But whenever you feel ready, I'd like to meet Mr. Nobody. First, I want to thank him for making you happy and then I need to warn him not to hurt you. You know… fulfilling my duties as your big sister." I took a deep breath. "Okay, I have to go. I'll see you when I drop Lindsey off Friday."

"Actually… I have plans on Friday so…"

"Let me guess, you have a date with nobody, right?" I teased her.

"Bite me." she said with a roll of her eyes.

"So, I guess Mom will take care of the kids. I'll remember that." I replied walking to her door. "Have fun with your Mr. Nobody guy." I winked at her.

She sighed, "Cath, for the last time. Trust me. There is no guy."

"Whatever." I rolled my eyes and shook my head at her vain attempt at denial. And with that I was gone.

xxxxx

There's no guy.

Sure enough there's no guy. There is, however, a woman. And had I been able to read between the lines back then, I might have connected the dots by myself. I mean, come on. Tall, dark hair, brown eyes, lanky, expressive while silent, attentive, safe, dry humor, smart, passionate. This is Sara Sidle from head to toe!

I can't believe this is happening! How long have they been fucking behind my back?!

I arrive at my place some undetermined time later and slam the door on my way in despite the late hour. I'm really fuming right now! My answering machine is blinking, so I press the button to hear my new message.

"_**Beep**… Cath, it's me, Sara. I know you're upset… mad even, so I didn't expect you to answer… Listen, I'm really sorry you had to find out this way that I was dating the sister that I didn't even know you had until an hour ago…Gee, I'm not making any sense here…Listen, I know I'm the last person you want to talk to right now, but I don't want this to ruin our new blooming friendship so… whenever you have calmed down a bit and when you're willing to hear me out call me or just let me know okay? We really need to talk this through… Bye. **Beep**._"

Great! That's just great! Now she plays the maturity card.

Screw this!!

I so need to punch something right now!

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**Alright folks, that's it, but I'll be back soon.**

**Thanks for reading.  
**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey, thanks for the reviews everyone you're great. Here's chapter 3...**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: **scubysnak**, thank you, I wouldn't make it without you ;)**

csi7**, so many questions that need answers... don't worry I never leave anyone in the dark, just be patient ;)**

CraZy-xClowN,** it was sweet to try french words, really I'm touched ;)**

JoJo,** well I don't have preference when it comes to make the characters suffer, I just go with the flow... lol... ;)**

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**Chapter 3: Sara**

I've just left a message on Catherine's answering machine. I'm sitting on my couch while Nancy is facing me on a chair. No matter how hard I try, my mind refuses to accept the new information it has just received. My mind has been spinning for the last forty five minutes and I think it's about to explode at some point. I have my head bury in my hands in a futile effort to hide from this unsettling reality.

My lover is Catherine Willow's sister. This is worse than some kind of sick joke. I mean what were the odds? Six billion people on Earth and I have to find the only one who turns out to be the sister of the woman who has disliked me for the last five years, but who has been slowly turning into my friend for the last six months.

I'm an investigator, you say, so I should have picked up on something. Well, I'm as confused as you are on this one.

Okay, so in my defense, I'll say this. First, I didn't even know that Catherine had a sister. This is funny because these last months we've been talking a lot, and not once did she mention her sister. I guess I'm probably the only one on the graveyard shift not to know this piece of information. Then Nancy did say that she had a sister but she didn't want to talk about it. I never pushed the issue. Besides, she called her Cathy all the time so I assumed it was her name not her short name.

Then, Nancy's name is Flynn. How much further could you get from Willows? Okay, so Willows is Catherine's married name, but then again we've never been close enough for me to know her maiden name. And I'm pretty sure that there aren't many people who know that either. I'm not curious as a person and I have to say that Catherine's maiden name never ever piqued any interest in me.

I take a deep breath and decide to get out of my hiding place and face my lover. I suppose I should explain to her who Catherine is to me and why she freaked. "Catherine… your sister…" Gee even saying it is burning my lips, "Your sister and I work together. We didn't have the best relationship until recently, so I guess finding out about us this way could explain why she freaked earlier." I say chuckling nervously.

I shake my head "It could only happen to me. This is crazy." I look at Nancy and she doesn't say anything. For the first time since Catherine left, I really study her. "You don't seem shocked or surprised." I state frowning a little. I mean sure she doesn't have to be upset, but I think it's the kind of event that could elicit some kind of reaction even if it was a laughter.

She doesn't look shocked at all and if nothing else, now that I've called her on it, she looks guilty. You've got to be kidding me… I feel like a ton of bricks is crashing down on my head as the realisation sets in. "You knew. You _knew_ who I was when we met." I whisper.

Nancy looks at me, guilt oozing from her and then she averts her eyes. "I'm sorry." she whispers.

"Great. It just keeps getting better and better," I say bitterly. Nice, now I feel like I've been played. "Anything else I should know?" I ask harshly. I keep on looking at her, expecting some kind of reaction – any kind of reaction.

She looks at me with hurt in her eyes. She takes a deep breath and composes herself again. "I think I should go home." She mutters, getting up and going back in the bedroom to dress.

I put my head back into my hands. I should have known something like this would happen. I mean everything was great with Nancy, and in my experience nothing is ever good for very long with me. I'm Sara Sidle after all.

I hear Nancy's footsteps coming back in the living room again. That's when I really realize she's about to leave and how much of an ass I've been. I mean I've been so self-centred that I didn't consider the fact that she was probably having an equally hard time with this. I'm sure there's an explanation as to why she didn't tell me anything about Catherine. And now she's leaving because I took it out on her. This is not happening. "Wait." I sigh. She stops her progression to the door and turns around to look at me.

I go to her and put my hands on her waist. She refuses to meet my gaze and stares at her shoes. "Babe, look at me." I ask her gently.

It takes her ten seconds, but she finally complies. There's pain in her eyes, and I hate myself because I know that I put it there. "I'm sorry." She says again.

"I know." I reassure her. I cup her face gently and kiss her. She responds immediately and her hands come up to clasp my shirt. She puts a little more pressure in the kiss as if she was afraid I'll disappear. I pull back when I need to breathe again. I caress her cheek gently. "I'm sorry I hurt you." I sigh. "All this… is more than just a little confusing. There's a lot to talk about – that's for sure. We'll talk about it tomorrow. I don't want you to go."

"You're sure?" She asks me with insecurity reverberating in her voice.

I give her a quick kiss "Yes, I'm sure. It's already hard enough to get you to stay the night and have you all to myself without having weird events ruin it. I don't want you to go. This is our time and I won't let anything compromise that. So, stay, unless you really want to go that is." I say bending a little so our foreheads are touching.

She smiles a bit. "I don't want to go." She answers and with that she kisses me softly.

"Good, let's get back to bed. I'm tired and I only want you to hold you right now."

"I aim to please." she replies taking my hand and leading me back to my bedroom.

You talk about a night.

xxxxx

Nancy is sound asleep next to me. Well, I can't sleep. Since I have some time, I might as well tell you how Nancy and I met.

A little more than six months ago, we rescued Nick from going insane and nearly dying while being buried alive. This ordeal shook us all to the core and made us realize a few things. For my part it made me realize that I had let my work consume my life. So right after that, I decided to change and start having a life again. That meant going out more, doing the things I like and seeing my friends more often. That also implied having a fresh start where everything had been wrong, hence my blooming friendship – although it seems compromised now – with Catherine.

Anyway, so I decided right then to take back my old habit, which mean going out with my friends on regular bases. That's where Megan and Tommy come in.

I met Megan and Tommy when I was in Harvard. I don't think I've ever mentioned it, but my time at Harvard was the best of my life. Not because Harvard is a prestigious school, but because of the people I met there. So many people with different cultures, different experiences, personalities, interests, stories, pasts. But they had things in common with me. They were open minded, care free, adventurous, and eager to live. They taught me a lot about life. They made me experience so much, feel so much – be it pain, happiness, fun or anything else – that I'll never cease to be grateful toward them.

And the best thing about that is that the bond we created then has only got stronger with time and continues to strengthen even to this day. Even if life doesn't allow us to see each other as much as we'd want to, we're in touch on a regular basis.

Megan and Tommy are two of those friends. They got married during our last year at Harvard. They moved to Vegas one year after I did and they helped me to make a home here. Anyway, they like to organize dinner with a lot of friends at least once a week. I used to go there every time. I even brought Warrick to many of those dinners – but that's a story for another time. Anyway, last year my appearances there were rare, if at all.

So for the pleasure of my friends, and mine as well, I went to one of those dinner parties. That's where I met Nancy. I remember it like it was yesterday.

xxxxx

I was involved in a great debate with Megan about a poem – don't remember which one – and Nancy was standing there silently listening to our respective arguments.

"…He's obsessed with death and has a morbid fascination and fantasy about his lover…" Meg said.

"No Meg, he doesn't…" I started but she cut me short.

"Oh, please Gem, did you even understand the words you read ?" Meg asked me with sarcasm. They call me 'Gem', 'Geminy' or 'Crick' because of a private joke about Geminy Criket… never mind.

"Funny, I was about to ask you the same thing," I replied. She just narrowed her eyes in response which made me chuckle. "As a matter of fact I did. He meant that life is temporary but beauty isn't."

"Beauty?! He's describing a putrefied body being eaten by bugs!" She protests.

"You're not reading between the lines. What he's trying to say to his lover is that we're nothing but flesh and bones, condemned to die and rot someday, but because I love you, I'll capture your beauty with my words so it will be eternal, just like the memories of our love."

Megan was about to reply when Nancy spoke. "I hate to break it to you Megan, but she's right. That's the whole point of his poetry – making the ugliest thing beautiful. The essence of this poem, despite the apparent fascination with death, is a deep unconditional love. He's looking at this body in decomposition and realizes that he's like a god because he gets to decide who gets to live for eternity and who doesn't. And because he has an unconditional and deep love for his lover, the said lover gets to live forever through his words."

Megan raised her hands in surrender. "Fine, it's two against one so I'll concede the defeat… this time. Now if you'll excuse me, my bruised ego and I are going to get some comfort." She said causing both Nancy and I to snort with laughter as she turned and left.

"I think she's offended." Nancy said with a light chuckle.

"Not at all. Actually, I'm sure she's gone to warm-up for round two." I replied with a smile. "I haven't introduced myself. Sara Sidle." I said offering her my hand. She looked at me with a slightly surprised expression. I tilt my head at her lack of reaction. She shook her head and took my hand and shook it.

"I just had a brain fart, sorry. I'm Nancy Flynn." She smiled nervously.

We sat on the near by couch. "So, you're a literature teacher?" I asked her.

"How did you know?"

"Well, to have a conversation with Megan you're either a literature teacher, a writer or a literature addict. I opted for the teacher." I replied grinning.

"Good call, but I'll have you to know that I also teach French at the university. What about you? I doubt you're a teacher."

"I'm an addict." I confessed.

"So what do you for a living?"

"I'm a CSI, Crime Scene Investigator. I work at the Las Vegas Crime Lab. We belong to the scientific section of the police department. Our job is to collect evidence at a crime scenes so we can catch the bad guys, so to speak."

"Crime scenes, uh?"

"Yeah, murders, accidents, sex, drugs, rapes, money, casinos… Vegas."

"Sin City in all its glory," she added and I smiled in response. "Sounds like fun. It must be hard sometimes though."

"It is. But I love my job. A colleague of mine, Catherine Willows, likes to say that after solving a case you feel like King Kong on cocaine. It's not always true but most of the time I do feel the rush."

"You sound passionate."

"I guess you could say that." I blushed, "As much as I love talking about my job, it's not really appropriate for a nice evening."

"I guess we'll have to plan a more appropriate time then." she offered naturally.

"With pleasure." I replied. I sighed "So… Baudelaire, uh?"

Her smile shone through the dark room at my words "Oh, that dear Charles…"

And we talked throughout the evening.

xxxxx

Yeah, that's how we met. In a big IBC – Instantaneous Brain Connection. Like our two burning brains had collided with one another, fused and then erupted with a big bang. You have to live it to understand what I mean.

As much as it pains me to say that, it reminds me a bit of Grissom and I when we met. Only with Nancy it was much more intense.

I can't help the smile gracing my lips, just thinking back to that evening. Nancy shifts a little next to me and snuggles deeper against my side. "Stop thinking babe and sleep a bit." She mumbles before kissing my neck and drifting back to sleep.

I kiss her head, amazed as always at her perspicacity. I close my eyes, just enjoying the sensation of bliss for I have my lover at my sides, and let Morpheus wrapping his arms around me.

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**Alrigh the poem I'm refering to is '_Une Charogne_' (I think it would be ' _A decaying body_' in english) from Charles Baudelaire**. **He's a very famous French poet, he's one of the 'cursed' poet, anyway the poem I'm talking about is one of my favorite.**

**I know there's a lot of questions without answers, but be patient, like I always say... have faith in me ;) **

**Thanks for reading.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hey everyone, first thanks for your reviews! Here's chapter 4 and chapter 5 shouldn't be too far behind. It was also good to see that I wasn't the only one to like Baudelaire :p...anyway...**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: **scubysnak**, thank you so much for all the good work you do on this ;)**

Casara**, I owe you and the **Admiral** an apology, I'm sorry I totally forgot to warn you about my new fic, I deserve the Buster Sword... I'll try to make it up to you ;)**

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**Chapter 4 : Catherine**

I'm pacing back and forth in my living room. I just can't stop myself.

There's only one thought banging around inside my cranium: Sara is fucking my sister. This thought plays in my head like a broken record. I don't know how I feel right now. Pissed off. Confused. Shocked. Hurt. Betrayed. I just don't know. I don't think I've ever been more upset about anything else in my life.

You know, when I feel like this, I generally go to Sara or Nancy. For obvious reason, neither of them is an option now.

Damn it!

xxxxx

I went back to work because I couldn't stand being home any longer. What irony! When this night first began, I couldn't wait to be away from this place and go home. Now, I'm back in because I have to be away from my home.

So, here I am going over paperwork so that I don't have to think about the fact that Sara is fucking my sister – that they're probably fucking each other as I'm speaking… and… and this is so not working!

I need a drink.

xxxxx

So, I got drunk like hell, and I came back to the lab to crash in my office. About an hour ago, I took a shower and made an effort to look human again. I've been agonizing with a killer headache ever since I've opened my eyes. Damn it's going to be a long day. It's barely noon and I already want to die or kill somebody.

Someone knocks on my door. It sounds like someone is hitting my head with a hammer. I don't get a chance to say anything before Warrick enters my office. What the hell is he doing here?

"Cath, we have a new lead on the case…" He starts but my brain shuts down, blocking the annoying and now really painful sound of his voice. I suddenly remember why I shouldn't drink as much as I did today – because hangovers are killers.

So I take it that he's pulling a double… nice.

I massage my temples as much as I can in a soothing gesture. My eyes are closed in a vain attempt to stop the room from spinning. I wish I was dead right now. Anything would be better than this stupid elephant dancing the polka in my head. I take a deep breath and open my eyes again facing a concerned Warrick. He's staring at me so I suppose he has asked me a question.

"What?" I ask.

"I asked you if you were okay." He answers and I cringe at the sound. Why is he screaming? And what stupid question is that? Am I okay? Do I look like I am anywhere near okay?

"You don't need to shout I'm not deaf." I say gritting my teeth to stop the nausea.

"I'm not shouting." he states. "Are you drunk?"

Already annoyed with his questions, I mumble, "No, I'm not.".

"Catherine, you're on call!" Okay, now he _is_ shouting. Damn it hurts.

"Don't lecture me, okay?! I'm not drunk. And stop screaming for Christ's sake!" I snap and regret it that instant as the pounding in my head gets stronger. Please someone kill me now!

"Well, if you weren't hung over, you would probably realize that I'm not screaming."

"Then, please shut up." I plead with him. Anymore sound and I might puke.

Every damn word is like a razor cutting into my brain. Damn, I won't survive another hour in this state. I hear him sighing. He pulls me up gently and says, "Come on."

"Warrick, what are you doing?" I ask but he doesn't answer. He grabs my purse and starts pushing me gently with his hand on my lower back. I'm way too out of it to resist him right now. He takes us to the parking lot and to my car. "What the hell?" He takes my keys out of my purse, unlocks the car and opens the passenger door while silently ordering me to get in.

Once I'm in, he takes the driver seat and starts to drive. Fifteen minutes later, we're in front of my place.

He doesn't speak. Instead, he just gets out of the car. He walks to my side and opens my door, but I refuse to get out. "Catherine, come on. I don't have all day."

After a moment, I get out. I open my front door and he follows me inside. I let myself fall on the couch and don't even bother glancing at Warrick.

"Look, I don't know what has you so upset, and I'm not asking any explanations. But I know this much – you're in no condition to work right now. I advise you to get some rest. I'll tell Grissom you weren't feeling well."

"Whatever" I reply looking at the ceiling. I know that if I tell him anything it won't be good. I'm boiling right now. I have too many things to deal with.

"Hate me now if you want. Get some rest and when you feel better, I'll be here." he says before calling a cab.

Without saying anything to him, I decide to go to bed, leaving him alone in the living room. I'm way too pissed, too tired and too sick to talk to him right now. Besides, he has a spare key and can lock the door on his way out.

xxxxx

I had a rather heavy restless sleep. The good thing with sleeping is that, at least for a while, you can shut out all of the bad things from your mind. For a while, I was able not to think about last night's revelation. Actually, when I woke up, I could have sworn it was nothing but a bad dream.

That was until I listened to my answering machine. There were two new messages from Sara in addition to the first one. I realized then, that it wasn't a bad dream – it was my shitty reality. Oh joy!

I still can't believe it – Sara and my sister. How did that happen?

I knew that Sara was seeing someone. That's what she said, in as many words, about a month ago. I pressed her about her personal life, but despite how close we'd grown in the last six months, she's still secretive about it. I think she doesn't like to share those things about herself. We talked a lot about our past experiences and all, but when it came to the present, she just said that she was actually seeing someone, that it was still new and that she wanted to keep it to herself for now. I didn't push the issue. Besides, I was finally friends with her so I wasn't about to ruin our friendship just to satisfy my curiosity.

Then there's also the fact that even if though we made a fresh start six months ago, we still have to build the 'bridge of trust' between us. We didn't have many opportunities for this in the past. Well, now that everything makes sense, I can say that she destroyed that bridge without so much as a second thought.

Fucking my sister…How could she do something like that? How?! And I didn't even see it coming. I bet they're laughing about my lack of observational skills right now. Ironic for a CSI, don't you think?

Now that I think about it, there were signs. None of them set off any alarms in my head. Nancy was always cautious with me. Most of the time she didn't want me to come over to her house. When I asked her questions about her going out, she would change the subject. And whenever I was talking about Sara – nice things for change – she would become almost silent and try to change the topic immediately.

I can't believe this is happening to me. I feel betrayed. I mean, the least Sara should have done was tell me. I'm no one to judge who she dates but, she's fucking my sister for goodness sake!! I mean, it's all about respect. You don't fuck your friend's sister behind her back. I'm not saying that had I known before I would have been ecstatic, but at least I wouldn't feel like they had made fun of me. I trusted her!

None of that matters now. Whatever friendship we were forging is over for good. How could I ever forgive her for something like this?

I'll make her pay for her betrayal. I want her to feel like I do. And right now I feel miserable. I feel like she spit in my face. I feel like our 'friendship' was nothing but a big joke. It probably was…

She's about to taste all my bitterness, because I've never been one to wait passively, hoping that things will eventually settle down. She messed with me – and she messed big time because she touched the only thing that was off limits – my family. And I sure as hell won't let her get away with it. She sowed the wind, she'll reap a bloody whirlwind!

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**Alright I know it was short but chapter 5 is near so...**

**Thanks for reading.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi, like I pormised chapter 5!! Alright, I see you're all harsh on Catherine and since no one is standing for her I'm going to do so. Sure what she says and the way she acts isn't good - and might get worse as the chapters go...oops...:p... anyway, she's just acting on emotions and not rationality so yes she's...well acting stupid. Anyway, thanks for your review, you rock !!**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps:** In-betweens**, you'll get your answers in later... but you'll get them!**

SaraLou**, two things about me you should know now, I'm patient and I like to take my time especially when I'm cruel with the characters so...you might exoect some ride before considering C/S... Catherine will have to earn it first and of course suffer...mouah ah ah ah ah ah XD...yes I'm evil if you ask... :p..**

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**Chapter 5: Sara**

Nancy is cooking some lunch while I'm working on my laptop. We haven't yet spoken about what happened yesterday. First, I didn't want to have an argument while getting out of bed and then, because I think we both needed some time to sort things out.

"You're staring at me." She says while looking at me.

I shake my head to clear my reverie. "Sorry."

"Lunch is ready."

I get up and go to the island. She's on the kitchen side and is putting the plates on the island. I put myself behind her and circle her waist with my arms from behind. She leans back against me naturally and offers me her neck. I can't resist so I kiss this soft spot where her neck meets her shoulder and then make my way up to the spot behind her ear.

She sighs contentedly and then turns around in my arms. She kisses me deeply and rests her forehead against mine when she pulls back. "I could spend hours just kissing you." she chuckles.

"That's good to know." I reply with a grin.

She gives me a quick kiss and asks, "You want to talk about last night?"

I sigh and release her from my embrace. The sting of betrayal burns me again and the bitter taste of resent invades my mouth. I move to the other side of the island. The new distance is not lost on either of us.

I take a deep breath before deciding to speak. "I've been thinking a lot about what happened. There's the insecure part of me that thinks that maybe this is a big joke." I motion between us with my hand, "That this 'us' is nothing but a joke – that maybe you had a plan to hurt your sister and I was just a toy in all this. I mean… I confided in you about my relationship with Catherine. I told you things I don't discuss with anyone, but you knew all this and I feel betrayed. I feel like you played me like…like…like a violin! And I hate that." I say vehemently, but with an even voice.

I start to pace to calm myself, then I stop and look at her again. "And then, there's the rational part of me that's telling me that maybe there is a perfectly good explanation as to why you didn't tell me anything." I sigh heavily. "I care about you and I care about this thing between us. I want… I need those answers, but at the same time I'm scared because the answers might mean the end of 'us'. So I don't know…I'm just asking you one thing. Whatever the answer is, be honest with me. Don't try to cover yourself or your motives."

She nods. Her eyes are already shining with tears asking to be shed. But she closes her eyes and contains them. She takes a deep breath and composes herself again. "I was a bit depressed six months ago. So my sister advised me to get out more and make new friends – which I did. I went to Meg's dinner party and I met you. And we clicked instantly. Then you told me your name and I hoped – _I really hoped – _that you weren't the one I thought you were."

"Your brain fart" I joke.

"Yeah," she chuckles. "When you told me you were a CSI, I thought 'just my luck'. I mean for once I met someone who captured my interest – someone I eagerly wanted to be friends with – and it had to be you. For the last five years, I've been listening to my sister talking about you in less than eulogistic terms, so I didn't want to ruin anything by telling you that I was Catherine Willows' sister," she says looking at me.

"The thing is that I knew you wouldn't have been as free as you've been if you knew who I was. We wouldn't have been as close and you certainly wouldn't have considered us to be more than friends." In spite of her best efforts, tears start to fall on her cheeks. She brushes them furiously with the back of her hand.

"I wanted you to give me a chance, to give us a chance. I just didn't want my sister to ruin this. It was too unfair. And then, as time went by, there was never any 'right time' to tell you this. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry I betrayed you like this. I'm sorry that I betrayed your trust." She takes a deep breath, "But I want you to know that I've always been sincere about our friendship and now about us as a couple. My feelings, the things I've said, and the things I've done were and still are sincere, real and true. I don't want you to think that this is a joke. It never was." She covers her face with her hands and cries freely.

I let her words sink and give them some thought.

She's right. Had I known she was Catherine's sister, things would have been very different. And we certainly wouldn't be here right now. I understand her reasons, I do. And yes, she has betrayed me, but I don't want this to ruin what we have now. So I decide to put my pride aside. I think it's worth it, that we're worth it. I might be wrong on this but I don't care. I care about Nancy and our relationship, and that's all that matters now.

"This is the only thing, right?" I ask her. She looks at me in tears and nods. I sigh in relief and then go to her. I take her in my arms and hold her tight. She snakes her arms around me and holds me just as tight if not tighter.

"I'm sorry." She muffles against my shoulder.

"I know. I trust you." I say before kissing her head. I sway us gently to calm her down. I pull back and take her hand, heading to my bedroom. She doesn't resist and follows me, our lunch all forgotten. We lie on my bed and hold each other. She cries a little more for a moment.

"Are we okay?" She asks once she's calmed down.

I sigh and kiss her head. "It will take a little time to get over this, but we'll be fine." She just nods. I know it's not the answer she was looking for, but I can't give her more right now.

We spend the rest of the day like this until the time comes for me to go to work.

xxxxx

Shift goes without any troubles. I didn't see Catherine and I wondered if she was okay. But then, I figure I'm the last person she wants to see right now. So I've decided to give her some time. I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't thought about it. Truth to be told, ever since Catherine left my place I haven't thought about too many other things.

Man, I'm about to bite the dust. My life will probably be Hell. I mean, I have no illusions about it. Catherine won't let this slide.

"Hey there," Warrick says entering the locker room. He sits on the bench next to me. He waits a bit before he looks on my back. "It looks heavy." he states.

"What?" I frown.

"The weight on your shoulders," he says. I chuckle a bit. He puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me into him. I let my head rest on his shoulder and close my eyes, losing myself into the comfort. I sigh heavily. "Damn, sounds like it's really serious." He kisses my head. "Come on. Let's go to your place." I just nod before standing.

We gather our stuff and head to the parking lot. We take our own cars and twenty minutes later we're at my place. We get inside and start to make breakfast. Warrick is at ease in my place and you might wonder why.

You see, the thing is, that in spite of how things started between us, Warrick has become – with time – my confidant. Well, here's the thing that not so many people know, he and I used to date. After my second investigation on him and some arguments, we decided to have a fresh start and got quite close rather quickly. One thing lead to another and we dated. Yes, I know it's surprising. Well, we stayed together for six months as a couple. The thing is that we were having a lot of fun, but even if we tried really hard, there was more affection than love in this story. We were very good friends with benefits so to speak.

We had a strong chemistry on the physical level, yeah a body connection, I guess you can call it that way. And the fact is that even if we stopped being officially together after six months, it took us more time to stop being… well… physically connected. I had him under my skin and he had me under his skin and it was a bloody addiction and it was bloody fantastic. And even if we have given into this addiction on many occasions over the last few years, we are mostly friends.

So as unbelievable as it is, Warrick is my confidant and closest friend among the graveyard gang. I feel at ease to talk with him. How could I not? After all, this guy knows every inch of my body intimately. I don't see what I could hide from him. Right after him, there is Greg and then Nick. When we were together, I brought Warrick along when I went to Megan and Tommy's. I think Warrick is the one who knows most of my friends. He knows about my past, too. Anyway, he and I are very close.

The advantage of dating each other is that now we are better friends, I mean we can decipher what's going on with the other without too many problems. We know when one of us needs to talk, and most of the time we don't need to talk to understand each other. We are connected, and there's a lot of affection and it's really great.

He makes pancakes – he always does that when I feel a little down. Once everything is done, we sit around the island and start to eat.

"Catherine has a sister. Did you know that?" I state out of the blue.

He looks at me and frowns, "Yeah, Nancy, why?"

"Great, so everyone knows that except me."

"Well, I've known her as long as I've known Cath. We're good friends actually. As for the rest of the gang, they met her at Catherine's, remember? She was at Catherine's New Year's Eve party. "

"A party which I didn't go to because I was visiting my brothers." I reply.

"Right," he says. He puts a piece of pancake in his mouth. "Is that why you're upset? Because Catherine has a sister and you didn't know?"

I tilt my head with a look that says 'you know me better than that'. I sigh, "I'm not upset about the fact that she has a sister."

"Then… what? I don't get your point here." He looks confused. I could spell it out for him but I don't want to. Then he's a CSI so in something like ten seconds he'll start connecting the dots on his own like the big boy he is. Because it's a fact he never forgets anything I tell him. He's about to put another piece of pancake in his mouth when he stops in mid motion. There we are.

"Wait. Isn't your girlfriend's name Nancy?" He asks. I don't answer just keep on looking at him. He chuckles. "This is a joke right?… right?"

"Oh yeah. Look at me. I'm laughing. Matter of fact, I'm laughing so hard that I might pee on myself if I don't stop anytime soon." I reply flatly.

He drops his fork "Sar, are you insane? How could you do such a thing? I mean, what were you thinking?! Catherine's sister?!"

"Well, I didn't know I was supposed to think about what I was doing! You see, I didn't know about the 'sister' detail until less than 24 hours ago." I shoot back at him. "Last night was my night off. I was having some quality time with my lover like I've been doing for the last three months. We were sleeping nicely when Catherine came in the middle of the night upset about something. She's been doing that a lot ever since we became friends – coming to me when she doesn't feel good. And it's great because I like being there for her. And now I pretty sure that whatever friendship we had managed to build has fallen apart." I ramble. I don't know when but at some point I've started to pace like lion in cage.

"So anyway, I was taking care of her when Nancy came into the living room to see if everything was okay. Once they got over their surprise, Nancy says something like 'Hon, meet my sister.' Bang! Like a shot in the head! Catherine stormed out of my apartment, but not before shouting that I was fucking her sister, slapping me and calling me a bitch. But I can't really say that I blame her. At this point, I thought that things couldn't get any worse. But just like every time before, life just laughed in my face and proved me wrong. It appeared that Nancy knew who I was when we first met, and all this time she has done everything in her power to leave me in the dark. And she was obviously good at it." I finish my rant and sit down again burying my head in my hands.

"Well, that's the Sara I know – never using the back of the spoon." Warrick states with a chuckle after a moment.

I lift my head up and look at him. "Well I'm glad you're enjoying yourself. At least one of us is having fun." I sigh "I'm doomed." I say before letting my head hitting the island with a thud.

"No, you're not," Warrick says honestly. I look at him again with confusion. Has he even listened to me? "Saying you're doomed is a huge understatement. I mean you know Catherine. You've been on her shit list for a long time, so you know how tough she can be. I'm telling you, messing with Catherine when you don't know her: bad idea. Messing with her when you're her friend: very bad idea. Now, messing with her family? One word: suicidal. So believe me, 'doomed' doesn't start to cover the jam you've put yourself in."

I put on a fake smile "Thanks mate, that really cheers me up."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you wanted me to lie to you and tell you that everything is going to be okay and that you'll sort things out smoothly in no time." He replies. Okay, so he's right. I don't want, nor do I need, to hear this kind of crap.

He sighs "This is Catherine Willows we're talking about here. Doll, you've just bought yourself a one way ticket to Hell."

I snort, "Somehow I'm sure that Hell is sweeter compared to the place I'm heading." I say flatly. We both chuckle.

"Tell me again why you never opt for simple things?" He asks me with a smile.

"Because simple things are a drag and you know me. I'm always looking for an adrenaline rush."

"Yeah, well you're about to get one."

"Tell me about it." I say as I pass a hand through my hair.

We stay silent for a while. It feels good to tell this to someone. Having him here right now is comforting.

"So what are you going to do about Nancy?" He asks suddenly.

"We talked today and she explained me why she didn't say anything before. We have sorted things out. So nothing changes as far as I'm concerned. Unless she asks me to, I won't put the brakes on our relationship."

Why would I put my life on hold? Okay, so I'm about to have a hard time with Catherine. Fine, but it won't make affect whether Nancy and I make it or not. So I might as well go with it.

"I need to know how you did this. I mean I've known Nancy for a while now and I know that women never arose her attention before." Warrick says. "What happened? What did you do to seduce her?"

I chuckle at the memory and tell him.

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**Yeah I know Sara and Warrick... surprising but hey I just wanted to have fun... :p**

**Thanks for reading.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey sorry for the little delay. Thanks for your reviews ;). On for chapter 6 then...**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps:**scubysnak,**thank you for putting up with me ;)**

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**Chapter 6: Catherine**

I'm lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling. I've been doing that for the last two days.

After Warrick brought me home, things wouldn't stop messing with my mind and since I didn't know how to take all the events in, I decided to take some time on my own to think. I called my mom and told her that I was on a big case and that I wouldn't be able to take Lindsey to school or be there in time to pick her up. I had to fight and endure one of her _oh so_ numerous lectures about how my job isn't good enough and how I'm not fulfilling my motherly duties properly and blah, blah, blah, blah…

I called Grissom and told him that I wasn't feeling well. He was concerned a bit, but didn't ask many questions. Well, you know… we are talking about Grissom after all.

And so I've been here for the past two days – moping around, seething, and staring at this plain white ceiling. And do you want to know something? It hasn't helped me one damn bit. Nope, not at all. I don't feel any less confused or any less betrayed. And I certainly don't feel any less angry. If nothing else, I feel all those things tenfold.

Sara is _fucking_ my sister. Sara is **_fucking_** my sister…

I sound like a broken record to you, don't I? Well, those words have been the only things on my mind for the last 60 hours! It's like my brain was bugging on it. Ever since it received the information, it won't work on anything else or move onto more elaborate thought. I'm walking on the edge of sanity and if I don't find a way to actually do something about those damn words, I'll go insane.

I need to do something to occupy myself. I pick up my phone and dial a number by heart.

"_Brown." _

"Rick, it's Catherine." I say, but I don't give him time to reply. "Listen I wanted to apologize about my behavior the other day. I'm sorry."

"_It's alright."_ He pauses a bit.

"I also wanted to thank you being there for me."

"_Anytime Cath."_ He marks a bit, _"How are you doing?"_

"Not really good, I guess." I answer honestly.

"_You want to talk about it?"_

"No, it's something I need to sort out by myself. I appreciate the offer though."

"_You sure?" _

"Yeah, don't worry. I'll see you tonight."

"_Ok. But if you change your mind, the offer still stands."_ He replies.

"Thanks." I say before hanging up.

Do I want to talk about it? What is there to talk about?

Sara is _fucking_ my sister… Sara is **_fucking_** my sister… Damn it!!

I know it's becoming annoying! Well you know what? The day one person you trust fucks one member of your family behind your back, get back to me and we'll talk then.

Anyway, no I don't want to talk about it. Although I'm sure Warrick is already in Sara's confidence. She must have told him. Why would she, you're asking? I know for a fact that those two are close friends, especially ever since they were intimate. I don't know if they dated properly, but I know that at some point or another they've had an affair. Just because I never brought it up with Warrick doesn't mean I didn't know.

No, I'm not some kind of psychic. You see your body talks more than you know. And trust me, when you are physically intimate with someone it shows. I learned about body language when I was a stripper because such knowledge can protect you from people. And it comes in handy sometimes when you need to dominate a room, or just to get the upper hand. So I know I'm not wrong when I say that Warrick and Sara have been physically intimate at some point.

At the time I wasn't on the best terms with Sara. Needless to say, it was just another detail to add to the list of things I couldn't stand about her.

And now… Now Sara is _fucking_ with my sister. Her fucking with Warrick was one thing – but my sister? It's a whole different ballgame. I mean, there's some rule about not messing with people's family. And Sara has crossed a big, messy line here.

I know the worse is yet to come. I mean, I might be calm right now, but it's just an illusion. I know that as soon as I see either Sara or that woman who's supposedly my sister, my rage will bubble up again and flow freely in my veins.

Oh I'm telling you: All Hell is about to break loose!

xxxxx

Once I arrive at work, I bury myself in paperwork. At least it forces me to focus.

At some point, there's a knock on my door. "Come in." I grant entrance without looking up. I freeze. No need to look up because I know exactly who it is: Sara. There's this specific feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever she's near. And her scent, so peculiar – soft and subtle – it's hard to explain.

There, the sparkle of my rage lights a raging fire inside me allowing all of my anger to flow back in my veins. It takes all of the self control I can muster not to let it all out.

"Catherine, hi." She says eventually.

"Do we have an assignment together?" I say seething. My voice is as far from warm as it can be.

"…Hum… no."

"Are you here to talk about an open case?" I ask.

"No…"

"Are you here to talk about some evidence?" I cut her off.

"No… listen…" She tries again. But I'm so not in the mood nor in the state to have a conversation with her. I certainly don't want to hear any of her lame excuses or explanations.

"Then get the hell out of my office!" I say. All the while I haven't even spared a glance at her or stopped doing what I was doing before.

She doesn't say anything, but she doesn't leave either. "Catherine, I …"

"Do you have anything work related to say?" I ask her harshly looking at her for the first time. I'm sure she can see all my anger directed at her. "No? Then, once again, get the hell out of my office." I continue.

"So this is how it's going to be from now on?" She asks.

"Do you have hearing problems? What part don't you understand in: 'get the hell out of my office'?"

She sighs and puts her hands up in surrender. "Fine, whatever." She says before leaving my office.

I don't think there are words to describe my feelings right now. I don't think I've ever been so pissed at someone, including when I wanted to strangle that slutty wannabe singer who nearly killed my daughter.

Damn this! Damn Sara Sidle!

My rage is just starting to pour out of me. From now on, things are going to be messy. I'll show her what it costs to mess with me and my family. Trust me when I say that she doesn't know who Catherine Willows is… _yet_!

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**Alright I know it doesn't seem that way but I actually like Cath's character. Let's just say that I have a lot of ideas to have fun first :p**

**Thanks for reading.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey people! I'm sorry for the long delay but I'm on holydays and some my friends and I needed to get away from Paris for some days, so we followed the inspiration of the moment and went on a last minute trip. Anyway, we were on a place where a working cellphone was a miracle on itself, so internet was more of an utopia than anything else. Anyway I'm back with chapter 7. Thanks for the reiviews ;).**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

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**Chapter 7: Sara**

Catherine just blew me off. I knew she wouldn't be too warm toward me after what happened, but still I was hoping that I could get a chance to talk to her. Seems like I won't get this chance anytime soon. I'm in no position to negotiate here. My only option is to give her some time hoping that it will change something even if I honestly doubt so.

Just my luck, we're having a slow shift. Sometimes even Sin City takes a break. Tonight I was hoping she wouldn't. Anyway, I'm in one of the isolated labs, doing my paperwork… well, I finished it a while ago and I still have five hours to wait until I can go home. Hooray…

How about telling you how Nancy and I ended up together? I told Warrick, so I might as well let you into the confidence. Besides, I have to find something to do and thinking about Nancy always does wonders to my mood.

xxxxx

After the dinner party at Megan and Tommy's, Nancy and I started to spend a lot of time together. Well to be honest, I think we were seeing each other at least once a day. We would have a coffee at my place at the end of my shift, I would go to have lunch with her at UNLV, we would go out on my night off, and we even brought her sons, Jeremy and Allan, along. And if we didn't get the chance to see each other, we would spend hours on the phone.

There was – well there still is – chemistry between us. There's this thing about Nancy that makes you feel instantly comfortable. Around her I feel care free. I talk easily – and we all know how hard it is for me to talk about my emotions or my self. But with Nancy, everything is easy.

I spent most of my time off with her. At this point we were just friends. The thing is that I never had any interest in her until a specific afternoon.

It was a little more than three months ago. We were spending the day together, and since I had my night off we had planned to go to the theatre, later that day. I was sitting on her couch studying the movie listings – because it was my turn to choose the movie we would see, while Nancy was lying on the couch with her feet on my lap, reading a book. We were on our own that day because Jeremy and Allan were on a camping trip with some of his friends.

"I wonder what it's like to kiss a woman." she says suddenly and out of the blue.

I turn to her with a puzzled expression, she had lowered her book and was watching me "Where did that come from?" I asked her.

Like I said, Nancy and I were spending a lot of time together talking about everything. So, of course, our love lives and experiences were topics we talked about. I knew that Nancy was straight, just as she knew that I didn't have preferences when it came to genders.

She shrugged. "I don't know… curiosity I guess. It's just that, I've been thinking and I've never ever kissed a woman, and I think… no, I know I want to know what it's like. I don't know why, but I want to know." She said looking at me.

"What is it like to kiss a woman? Well… As a general rule, two people don't kiss the same way, whether it's two men or two women. I mean, there are no real specificities from one gender to another, but…" I started thinking about the women I've kissed and the men I've kissed to point out the differences. "The lips are softer when it's women. Some guys do have soft lips, but it's not the same." I said with a smile. "Lips of women are softer, and their skin is soft as well – soft and smooth, their back and their legs…" I said getting lost in my personal memories "…but I'm getting off track here." I shook my head out of the gutter and kept on.

"One good point is that you don't have to worry about a beard or moustache, so the contact is always softer than with men." I joke. "Then women's lips tend to be fuller, their lips are fleshier, more pulpy… you know, I like sucking on their bottom lip. It's an awesome sensation. Well, that's just me here. After that, it's like any other kiss. It's a matter of sensations. I can't explain it." I said with a smile.

I looked at her and she had a funny expression on her face. "Somehow, I feel like that's not the answer you wanted." I stated.

"Well, I want to know what it's like… to feel…," she says shyly.

It took me three more seconds, but my brain finally understood her words. "Oh, you wanted me… us…to…" I stammered.

"Geez, I can't believe I said that. Forgive me okay? I'm sorry… I mean you're a person for goodness sake, not some sort of guinea pig or dummy for experiment… It was totally inappropriate and disrespectful of me. I'm really sorry... I don't know what I was thinking… I hope I didn't offend you. I'm really…" She rambled on.

"Nance relax, you didn't offend me," I said chuckling.

"Really? Because I'm really sorry." She said with a blush.

I chuckled "It's alright, I swear," I reassured her. She sighed in relief. "Well… let's do it," I told her.

She looked at me in disbelief, "You're serious?"

"Yeah, I'm not one to refuse an opportunity to kiss a beautiful woman."

"Beautiful… sure." she brushed off my compliment.

"Yes, beautiful," I repeated. She shook her head and was about to protest, but I didn't give her the chance. "I mean it Nance, you're beautiful." I told her honestly. For a moment, neither of us spoke. We just looked at each other. I took a deep breath to break the moment. "Anyway, back to that request of yours. Let's look at it as a purely scientific experiment. For that, you need a woman – that would be me, a pair of willing lips and that should be it. So, let's do it."

As hard as it is to believe, I wasn't even thinking about that kiss as anything other than an experiment. I mean it was like being in high school when you tried stuff just to see where it would go or how it would feel. At that point, I didn't consider being more than friends with Nancy. It was nothing more than just a game as far as I was concerned.

"You're sure?" she asked again.

"Yeah, I'm ready to sacrifice myself to the sciences. I'll take one for the team. So go for it." I joked and she giggled "Okay, I'm ready when you are." I said licking my lips.

"Alright," she said. She sat up and moved closer to me, nervousness oozing from her. She took a few deep breaths and leaned in. The contact wasn't really pleasant. It was more like a collision between our lips than anything and it was fast. She pulled back and looked at me with a frown, "That was awful, wasn't it?"

"Well, this experiment is human. I mean, it's all about the sensations, so it depends on your state of mind. You're so nervous and so anxious that you forget about the sensations. Let's try it again, but we'll do it my way, okay?"

"Okay." she nodded.

"You need to trust me." I said.

"I trust you." she replied firmly.

"Okay, then I want you to close your eyes."

She took a deep breath and then complied. "Now try to relax." I add. She breathed in until she was calm again. I reach out with one of my hands and delicately caressed her cheek. Her breath hitched at the contact, but she calmed herself again. I leaned in slowly; when our noses were touching, I gently rubbed my nose against hers, letting my hot breath touch her lips first.

Then I finally met her lips with mine. She sighed and for a moment, I just left my lips on hers, not moving, just letting her get used to the sensation. Then she started to kiss me back. I took her bottom lip in mine and sucked on it gently. She made a little sound in what I assumed to be appreciation. Then I broke the kiss, but kept my lips barely an inch away from hers. I kissed her once more before pulling back for good.

Nancy leaned in again, but I was a bit too far and she met air. She slowly opened her eyes and looked at me intently, breathing deeply. Her eyes went to my lips. She looked at them like they were the most fascinating thing she had ever seen. She touched my lips with uncertain fingertips. I didn't say anything; I just left her to her contemplation.

I'd be lying if I said that I didn't enjoy that kiss. Her eyes were glued to my lips while she was tracing my flesh with her fingertips. I didn't say anything to break the silence. She seemed to be under a spell. Then, just as if she remembered I was there, she looked at me.

It was just supposed to be a game, but looking at her at this moment, I knew we were going much further than the boundaries a simple game would allow. I hadn't foreseen to be so elated by kissing her, but I was. I could feel my heartbeat quickening under her gaze, and adrenaline was starting to invade my veins. Wordlessly, Nance leaned in and our lips met again.

She delivered feather light kisses at first, then her lips settled on mine and became more insistent. She sucked my on bottom lip, and then her tongue came out to play in between our lips, tasting my lips tenderly. I parted my lips slightly and she took me up on my invitation. She moaned when our tongues came into contact for the first time…or maybe I'm the one who did… well, it doesn't matter. The sensation was making me feel light-headed. The chemistry between us was operating tenfold.

The feeling of her velvety tongue dancing gracefully with mine, her lips soft and pulpy… I felt the need to touch her. One of my hands lost itself in her hair while the other one rested on her waist. She was clenching her fists on both side of my shirt. I was getting high, intoxicated with her and this kiss.

I don't know how much time we spent kissing, not that I cared, I just knew that as the time went on I wanted more, I needed more. My thumb sneaked under her shirt and started to rub a little patch of her skin in circular movements. She whimpered at the sensation – for my hands are always cold – but didn't break the kiss, just tightened her grip on my shirt.

But that little patch of skin wasn't enough, so the rest of my hand joined my thumb under her shirt. I was enjoying the feeling of her soft skin against the palm of my hand. This time she broke the kiss, panting heavily. But her lips didn't go far, as a matter of fact, she almost immediately took my lips in hers again. One of her hands came to rest on my cheek and then went in my hair.

My hand under her shirt started to explore her skin slowly, delicately. I caressed her hip, then the small of her back. Then I went a little higher on her back and came back to her front tracing her stomach. I put my hand on her side and slowly trailed my way up. When my thumb reached the side of her breast, she whimpered and jerked away.

I realized that I had gone too far. She was looking at me a little confused and disoriented. We were both panting. The spell was broken – or so I thought – and it was like our brains were catching up with everything now. She was straddling me; I had one hand under her shirt and the other in her hair. I didn't have the time to articulate an apology before she got up hastily. She was looking at me with a mix of panic, surprise and confusion. Then she looked away, apparently getting lost in her thoughts.

I was looking at her, not knowing what to do or say. Suddenly she held her hand out to me. I took it and stood up as well. Her eyes were looking for something in mine, but I wasn't sure what. She started to lead us to the corridor. That's when it hit me. I stopped walking and she turned to me.

"Nance…" I started, but she silenced me with her fingertips on my lips. She shook her head gently, forbidding me to speak, forbidding me to break the spell. She kissed me again making forget any thought I was having. She pulled back and walked again to the corridor with my hand still in hers, pulling me along – not that I was resisting that much.

As we faced her room, rationality flayed me again. She entered while I held back in the threshold. Kissing her was one thing, but this was about crossing a much bigger line here. When we were on the couch, I could restrain myself a little, because in spite of my desire, lust or anything else, I respect Nancy too much. She's way too special for me to have her on a couch for our first time – not that I had envisioned having a first time with her until a minute ago. Now, a bedroom is no place for self control if you know what I mean, and I'm just human.

Truth be told I wanted her – badly. But I didn't want to push her into anything. This was rather a big deal here and I didn't want to make a mistake. I didn't want her to do something she'd regret later. So, I needed to know that she was sure of herself, that this was what she wanted, that we were leaving the 'experiment' behind us.

Nancy was looking at me with pure determination, confidence, apprehension and last, but not least, with desire. I asked her if she was sure with my eyes one more time. She barely nodded and tilted her head with a delicate smile. She squeezed my hand and I made my mind up. I decided to go with it, _carpe diem_.

Maybe it would be a one time thing, and if it was, it wouldn't be about sex. I was about to make love to her, with her. Giving her all that I had without holding anything back. No matter what would happen next, we'd have this – this moment in time where there wasn't anything but us – this moment where I wanted her and she wanted me. No matter what would happen next, we'd still have this beautiful and fragile memory just for ourselves.

I smiled back at her and she let out a sigh in relief. I think she was afraid that she misunderstood the signals, but she hadn't. I wanted her when we were kissing on her couch. And I wanted her even more now that we were standing in her bedroom. I stepped in and closed the door behind me before facing her again. I could tell she was nervous, but then again, so was I.

She took a step toward me so that we were only a few inches away from each other. She brought her hands to my shirt and started to work on my buttons. Her moves were hasty and awkward because her hands were shaking. I put my hands over hers, stopping her movements. She looked in confusion, but I just smiled at her reassuringly before kissing her again. There wasn't any need to rush. This wouldn't be made in any rush.

Kissing her was making feel weak in my knees, which was annoying considering a new factor – which was gravity. At least kissing her on a couch made me forget about such a thing. But I wasn't the only one having trouble standing. She stumbled backward pulling me along with her, but never breaking the kiss. She lowered herself on her bed and I followed suit. Two seconds later, I was on top of her, my body covering hers, our legs entwined together. I looked at her and caressed her face. She smiled and then put a hand behind my neck to get my lips back on hers.

I was quickly becoming addicted to her lips. Once I was high enough, I pulled back and started to kiss my way to her neck, sucking on her pulse point when I got there. She moaned and grabbed my shoulders to steady herself. My hands went to her waist and then beneath her shirt. Her skin was hot under my palms. It was like the contact had created a spark which travelled through my whole body all the way to my core and ignited a raging fire.

I unbuttoned her shirt without breaking the contact between my lips and her skin. The taste of her skin was absolutely exquisite. I kissed my way back to her lips. Then I pulled back to look at her. She has blue-greened eyes and right at this moment they had turned into a beautiful shade of blue – lagoon blue. I pushed her shirt open, caressing her skin delicately, leaving goose bumps on my way. Her body was a wonder to my eyes. I lowered my mouth on her again to kiss her chest.

I put one of my hands on one of her breasts feeling it through the soft fabric of her bra. My mouth was kissing the contours of her bra – gentle, playful kisses. I could feel her heartbeat under my lips. She was breathing heavily, moaning, breathing her words. I undid the front clasp of her bra, setting her graceful globes free from their silk prison. My hand traced her breasts delicately, her skin was like porcelain. I dared taking one of her rosy nipples hostage in my mouth, torturing her with my tongue. She moaned at the sensation. My head was spinning in pure bliss. She brought my head back to her lips after a moment, kissing me passionately.

That's when my cell phone decided to break the silence. I ignored it at first – Nancy didn't seem to hear it at all. But it wouldn't stop ringing, so I concluded that it was rather important. I reluctantly let go of Nancy's lips. Breaking our kiss harshly, she looked at me confused. Then my ring tone reached her ears and I saw the spell breaking itself in her eyes.

"I really have to take this. Sorry," I said lamely. I reached in my pocket for the offending object. "Sidle."

"_At last Sidle, I've called you at least six times. What took you so long? Did you lose the instruction book and forget how to pick up your damn phone?!"_

"This better be good Catherine. What do you want?" I snapped and I sat up.

"_To talk about the weather, of course, what else? What do you think I called you for Sidle? I need you now. Car accident near the Tangiers. Many vehicles involved…" _

"Whoa. Whoa. Whoa! I'm off, Catherine. can't you find somebody else?"

"_They're already here. You're the only one missing Sidle. Now get your ass here ASAP! Got it?!"_ She said before hanging up on me. Well, if her mood was anything to go by, I knew it was ugly, because she wouldn't call me 'Sidle' otherwise. It had been months since she had been pissed like that.

I tightened my lips together not to let any bad words escape them. I closed my eyes and counted to ten, breathing deeply. I turned to see Nancy sitting against the headboard of her bed, looking anywhere but at me. She was buttoning her shirt up hastily, and then she looked at me.

"You have to go to work, right?" She stated more than asked.

"Yes, I'm sorry."

She just nodded. "I guess we got a little carried away." she said nervously before looking away.

"Yes, we did," I sighed "It was great as far as I'm concerned." I stated and she looked at me again. That's when I decided to make the big dive. "Listen, I know this was supposed to be just an 'experiment', but I'd like to take you out on a date… try to be more than just friends with you. Being your friend is more than fine, but I'd like to be more." I said without breathing.

Until that moment the idea hadn't crossed my mind. Kissing her made me want more. It made me want to give her more than just friendship. She was uncertain and was about to protest, I think reality was crashing down on her. I didn't give her a chance to reply though. "Don't say anything now. Think about it. Sleep on it and let me know." I told her before getting up from the bed. "I really have to go." I said as she nodded and I turned around heading to the main door.

I didn't hear her following me. She caught one of my wrists and made me face her. She didn't say anything, but obviously was struggling to find her words. I frowned and was about to say something when her lips connected with mine again. She was gripping the lapels of my blouse tightly and her kiss was deep, burning and desperate. When she let me go again, I couldn't for the life of me form a coherent thought and I had to focus hard on breathing. We were staring at each other silently.

"Go." she ordered me in a whisper. I nodded and left.

For the next week, we didn't talk or see each other. Then, on my night off, there was a knock on my door. I opened it and there she was on the other side. I invited her inside rather awkwardly.

"Hi." She chuckled after a long minute of silent contemplation of each other.

"Hi." I replied with a smile.

"I missed you this week." she admitted after another long pause.

"Me too." I wasn't really eloquent that day.

We were standing in my foyer not moving. I was feeling warm inside just from seeing her, because I had really missed her. In all honesty, I was afraid that my confession had ruined our friendship. On the other hand, I knew that the next move had to come from her.

"I thought a lot this week about your proposition." My heart stopped beating waiting for her answer. "I don't think it would be a good idea." My heart broke but it was a risk I had to take and if I had the chance again, I would take it in a heartbeat. I looked away to cover the hurt.

"At least a part of me doesn't think it would be a good idea," she finally added. My head snapped back to her and I frowned. "There's this part of me that keeps telling me that I don't date women. I can't because I'm attracted to men. This part is very afraid of this new thing and the unknown." She took a deep breath. "Then there's this other part of me… that can't stop thinking about you and that kiss. You've been on my mind all week. I couldn't help but think about your lips on mine, on my body, about your hands touching me, about the… freaking sensation you elicit in me… I've never known this before. It wasn't a cataclysm. It was more along the way of a nuclear bomb…" Her eyes never left mine as she talked.

She looked away and closed her eyes before taking a deep breath. Then she looked at me again. "It's confusing. The more I think, the less I know about what to do or where to go… I'm just lost. I've never dated a woman before…well it's a human relationship so I guess that the main lines are the same than with men…" She chuckled nervously and passed a hand over her face, shaking her head, "This is scary. I'm scared, petrified even." Her gaze was intense, "You'll have to be understanding and…well… go slow." she whispered. She started to fidget nervously.

My eyes went round as saucer plates. I wasn't really sure that I understood her words, but she spoke again before I got this chance. "In spite of my insecurities and fears about this, I'd like to take this step into the unknown…with you… and not as an experiment. I'd like to try to have more than friendship with you…try to have a serious relationship. It might not work, but maybe it will. We'll never know if we don't try. I know I'll never forgive myself if I don't. So…" She closed her eyes and expelled a long breath then looked at me again. "What I'm desperately trying to say is that I'd like to date you… if your offer still stands, that is." She finished holding her breath and looked at me with apprehension.

I was stunned to say the least. Stunned and overcome with joy, ecstatic…A smile split my face. I started to nod like an idiot because I needed two more seconds to get my voice back. "Yes…yes the offer still stands." I chuckled.

She sighed in relief and smiled so brightly that it made my heart stop beating. I was amazed that she was willing to try. Amazed and happy and just because she gave me this chance, I swore to myself then and there that I would do everything to make it work. I realized how much of a big thing that was for her.

"So, I thought we could go out tonight," she said shyly. "Or you could just come over for a dinner."

"We can go out." I replied. I was sporting an idiotic smile that went from one ear to the other, I was feeling like a teenager who had her first date ever.

"Okay. Well, my mother is taking Jeremy at six, you could meet me at six thirty or seven as you like."

"I'll pick you up at seven."

"Great, great," she answered biting her bottom lip. We couldn't stop looking at each other and nodding. She smiled, "Okay, I should go and let you rest then."

"Alright."

"I'll see you tonight."

"I can't wait."

With that she turned to my door. I reach for the doorknob at the same time and our hands touched, a light touched which was electric. "Sorry," we muttered at the same time. We looked at each other and stopped breathing. She leaned in and kissed me. She smiled in our kiss. "See you tonight." she whispered before pulling back.

"Definitely." I said with a smile in response and she left my apartment. I leaned against my door for the next twenty minutes, lips tingling from the kiss, head spinning and light-headed by the turn of events, heart beating fast, feeling as good as a new born.

xxxxx

"Sara…" a voice sings my name.

I shake my head and find myself facing Greg. "Uh? What?" I manage to say.

"I don't know where you were, but must have been on a cool zone judging from your smile." he says.

"Yeah, it was." I answer with a big smile. If only he knew.

"Okay. Anyway, I came to tell you that we could go home. Grissom said there was no point in us staying here since there is nothing to do."

"Great." I don't think I would be able to focus on anything right now anyway.

"Wanna grab something?"

"Thanks Greggo, but right now I have other plans in mind." I tell him with a wink. I shuffle his hair and leave the room.

Right now I want just one thing, to be with Nancy and kiss her lips, and hold her in my arms, to be with her, to be with my lover.

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**Alright I won't take long with the next chapter. Sorry again for making you wait...**

**Thanks for reading.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Ok, back with chapter 8. Listen I know I'm making a monster out of Catherine. Actually I think she might be that way for two more chapters then I promise I'll take pity on her ;). Thanks for the reviews you guys rock!**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

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**Chapter 8: Catherine**

It's been a month since I found out about my sister and Sara. We've sorted things out like adults. Now, everything is fine…

That's a lie, of course. Nothing is fine. If anything, it's worse. I haven't spoken to my sister ever since and I only speak to Sara because we work together. Even on our worst days, Sara and I have always managed to communicate. Now, I can't really say that we communicate. Basically, I bark at her and she just grits her teeth and moves on.

I know I'm not treating her right, but I can't help myself. It's like all this anger I had inside won't stop growing. And Sara isn't helping the matter. I'm mean to her. I do realize that, but she's not responding to me. She's not fighting back. I want her to fight back, I want her to give me a good reason to be mad at her. I want her to give me a chance to let all of this anger pour out of me.

They say I'm a people person. I've got a good instinct and, as a general rule, I read people like opened book. I know what makes them tick; I know what make them squirm; I know what to do to keep the upper hand. So, I guess you could say I'm a people person. But when it comes to emotions, that's something else. I have a hard time analyzing things. I'm more of an 'act first then think' type of person. Right now, for instance, I don't know what I feel. I just know that it's powerful and that it's killing me.

I feel hurt deeply. I feel betrayed by my sister and by Sara. I don't know why it upsets me so much. I mean, after all, it's not like they were doing something wrong. It's like two opposite sides of my life have collided and created a big mess. I can't bring myself to be rational about it. I don't think there's _anything _rational about it!

I'm hurting, so I hurt Sara because I want her to know what I'm going through because of her. That's all I can do to feel better. I know it's totally childish, but I don't care. I feel like she stabbed me in the back. I just can't understand why she didn't tell me anything! We were becoming friends after having spent five years fighting and she couldn't find anything better to do than to fuck my sister!

How could she do something like that to me? That's the question I've been asking myself, and I haven't found a suitable answer yet.

And until I find an answer to that stupid question, I won't swallow this bloody pill, or cut Sara any slack. I have a reputation to sustain, after all. She always thought I was a bitch. Now, well, now she'll find out just how big of a bitch I can be.

xxxxx

"Greg I want you inside on the second floor. Warrick, I want you with me; we'll deal with the bodies. Sidle, perimeter." I instruct them.

I can tell Sara is pissed and inwardly I'm glad – sadistic of me I know. But just like every other time this month and a half, she doesn't say anything and just does what she's told.

I haven't called her by her first name in a whole month. I rarely address her with more than ten words and I don't bother being polite or civil when I do speak to her. She doesn't say anything or protest in any way, and that's pissing me off. I'm pushing her buttons because I want her to explode, but she isn't play my game and I hate that, so I push her again and again. I take every opportunity I get to push her buttons – to hurt her. I've almost made a habit of it. I'm not proud of myself, but on the other hand I can't help myself at the moment.

She tried to talk to me at the beginning, but she has stopped trying. I'd be lying if I said that I was trying to set things right. So, I'm mean to her everyday, and everyday when I go home, I'm disgusted with myself. So, everyday I tell myself that I will set things right, but every time I see Sara, that resolution flies out the window. So, I'm stuck in a catch 22 until the day she decides to answer me back.

When we have a case together I keep her in the doghouse. There's a car to dismantle? I send someone else to do it. There's a body to deal with? I assign her to the perimeter. There's an interview? I do it with someone else or alone. There's something hard, dirty or/and boring to do? I assign her to do it.

There is undeniable tension whenever we're in the same radius and when that happens no one gets in our way. The guys don't leave us alone in the same room, but they don't try to interfere either. Our team is unbalanced. Everyone knows it, but no one dares to say something about it. There are no more team get-togethers. When Sara is there I'm not and when I am, she isn't. Grissom tries not to put us on the same scene, but sometimes we have to work together. Needless to say, it's not working well.

xxxxx

We have a nasty scene tonight. A couple has been killed in their house during a robbery that turned bad. I've been working inside the house with Greg and Warrick for the last two hours and there's still a lot to do. Sara's working outside. I found out a while ago that the less I saw her the less angry I was. Sure, it's just temporary but at least for some hours I have a beak.

Days go by and things don't change between Sara and me. Basically, we ignore each other and don't communicate except if we absolutely have to.

My anger is still there, but I've tamed it, in some ways. The thing is that there are so many things swirling in my head that I don't know what to think. Sara hurt me deeply. And I'm not inclined to forgive her. I honestly don't think I ever will. Maybe you think I'm overreacting, that I'm unfair. Well, that's who I am, and I've never been good with second chances.

Tonight is a bad night. Warrick and Greg have just gone back to the lab, leaving me and Sara behind. So, we have to ride back – _together_. Half an hour alone in a confined space with enough tension to choke a thousand elephants …oh joy!

Sara is silent and doesn't show any signs of concern for the ride back. I have to breathe deeply several times before getting in the car. I don't know why, but being near her always makes me feel like a ticking bomb ready to explode. I start to drive and pray to anyone that might be listening to spare us from any fights.

I decide to put some music on so I can focus my mind on something else, but as soon as I turn the radio on, Sara turns it off. Once again I turn it on and two seconds later she turns it off again. We repeat the same game two more times.

"I have a headache. Do you mind?" Sara finally says.

"Yeah, well I missed the part where it says that it's my problem," I reply.

She chuckles bitterly, "Really mature."

I turn on the radio once more in response. She better not push me any further because I don't have it in me to control my temper. This time she hits on the radio to turn it off. "Damn it! I have a headache!"

"Well, if you're not happy, mother nature gave you two legs, so use them!" I spit back before turning the radio on again. This is ridiculous. This fight is ridiculous. I know it, but I can't help acting like a child. I should be an adult and consider the fact that she's not feeling well. Instead of that, I feel proud because I won. I get to put the radio on and she'll have to endure this because we are still far from the lab. It's stupid. I mean, we both know that the problem isn't the radio.

To my surprise, Sara undoes her seatbelt at the next red light and gets out of the car. She starts walking with determination, not minding the weather or looking back. Great!

I keep the car in pace with her. I don't call her but the message is clear enough. She keeps on walking and ignoring me. Oh, and fuck it! She wants to pout, so be it. I don't have to put up with her attitude. I give up and drive away, letting her brood in her corner.

I might add now that it's pouring rain. Yet, I let her go.

Thirty minutes after me, she comes into the locker room dripping wet. I don't apologize or anything. I just keep gathering my belongings before heading home. You want to know the worse in all that? I don't care. I don't care that I let her walk back here. I don't care that she'll probably be sick tomorrow because of this. I don't care anymore. Before, even when we couldn't stand each other, I cared. But now… I just don't.

So, you see, she and I are way beyond the no return point.

xxxxx

"I blew the horn ten minutes ago." I grumble at my sister when she opens the door.

"Well, had you taken the time to come in here ten minutes ago, I would have told you that she hasn't finished her homework yet and that she needs an extra five minutes," she answers calmly "Do you want a coffee?"

I send her a mean look. I haven't seen to her in more than a month either. I drive here, I blow the horn, Lindsey comes out and I drive away. When she comes to pick Lindsey up, she blows the horn from the driveway and we repeat the process. "Tell my daughter I'm waiting for her in the car." I reply, leaving without even looking at her.

I'm pissed with Sara. There's no doubt about that, but I'm even more pissed with my sister. Those where the first words we had in a whole month. So that should show her where we're at.

My life is upside down. And I don't know how to put it back in order again.

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**Alright chapter 9 isn't that far behind. And in spite of everything I actually like Catherine's character. :p**

**Thanks for reading.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Alright here's chapter 9, some little trouble under the sun... thanks for all your reviews! **

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: **scubysnak**, I'll never thank you enough for all that you do for me...**

**A/N: To those who have red this chapter previously, I'd like to make an apology. There was a line at the end with the words 'retarded kid', the thing is that the french words I was trying to translate are slang and in this context have a really affectionate connotation. But my awkward translation has had for result to probably offend some of you and for that I'm truly sorry. I suppressed the line in order to put everyone at ease. I do respect people and never make fun of them, if it sounded like I did this time, know that it wasn't intentional. Once again I apologize for this bad move. **

flazeron** know that you've been heard loud and clear - thanks for letting me know my mistake ;).**

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**Chapter 9: Sara**

I'm in Hell.

Days go and get worse. Catherine is pissed at me and everyday she makes sure that I know that. The worse in all this is that we can't even work together. I mean, she doesn't even listen to what I have to say. So when we are together on the case I give her my conclusion on a piece of paper. We don't discuss our theories about the case like we used to. When I have to talk to her, I talk to someone who will pass on my idea to her. When I work with her, I do all the dirty or boring things there are to do, I don't do interviews… I'm the bloody lackey! This is insane!

And to top it off, we're to the point where we can't actually spend more than five minutes alone in the same space. Today she pissed me off in the car, so I got out and walked back to the lab in the pouring rain. It was all I could do not to do something stupid.

Her little game is getting old and fast. I know that at some point I'm going to snap.

xxxxx

The sounds of my front door being unlocked resounds in my silent apartment. I get up from the couch where I've been reading for the last couple of hours and go to the door. In case you're wondering, Nancy has the spare keys to my apartment. We weren't lovers yet when I gave them to her. She crashed at my place one day and I had to go back to work for an emergency when she was still sleeping so I left her a set of keys. I never wanted to take them back.

She gave me a set of key from her house a week after 'Catherine's event'. She wanted to give them to me a while ago, but since she had to be careful of me not finding out who her sister was, she didn't. Now though, I can spend most of my time with her, and when I get off early from work, I can go to her place snuggling in bed with her so we sleep together for some hours. It's not about moving in, just about spending more time together without having to plan it – although I practically live at her place.

"Hey," I greet Nancy before kissing her softly on her lips. "How was your day?" I ask before opening my fridge to get a bottle of water. She gets rid of her a coat and I join her in the living room.

"Well… not bad I guess. I missed you though." she sighs. I smile at that and let myself fall down next to her on the couch. We're in each other's arm in a second. Immediately I relax myself into the embrace. This is where I should always be. Nancy tells me about her day and I listen quietly, making a comment now and then, but mostly I'm enjoying having her to myself.

I tell her about my day but don't go into the details. She sighs. "Babe, I'm sorry that you have to pay for my mistake." she says softly. I don't want to spoil my moment with her thinking about Catherine, so I decide to keep the atmosphere light.

"Yeah, I know. I think you should find a way to make it up to me." I say suggestively.

She sits up and straddles me "I know. I've been thinking about it too. How about a kiss?" she teases me before kissing me softly.

Once she pulls back I smile "That's it? Just a kiss?" I fake being offended. "Have you been on the receiving end of your sister's wrath lately?" I ask her.

"You're right. A kiss isn't enough. How about some cuddling, snuggling, and making out?" she says kissing me in between her words.

My smile gets bigger, "Now we're talking business." I answer as my hands starts to make circles on her thighs.

"Actually, I have a better idea." she states seriously.

"Oh yeah? And what is that?" I ask looking at her eyes.

"I'll show you." she gets up, not breaking the eye contact, and pulls me with her. She walks backward to my bedroom, still looking at me. Once we reach the door, she kisses me.

We keep on walking inside and end up in front of my bed. She reverses our position and then pushes me on my bed. She straddles me in the next second looking at me with burning desire. Her lips are on mine for a bruising kiss. My hands get in her hair while hers start to undo my shirt. Her hands are shaking too much, so she gives up and decides to pull my shirt over my head. We break the kiss for a second and then our lips are connected again.

I put my hand under her top and get rid of the garment, so we're both in our bras. My heart is beating fast in anticipation. There's determination in her eyes and I know that today she wants to take the lead.

I made love to her for the first time one and a half months after we started dating. You know, it's funny, because you always imagine the first time with a new partner to be romantic – I mean when it's not a one night stand or just about sex. You picture the nice dinner before, the soft music, the candlelight, the sweet words, the magic and all the junk, well the perfect moment. Well, my first time with Nancy was on the floor of my living room with feathers and clothes surrounding us. There were a lot of fun and laughing before it happened.

I know it's surprising, but it's not like we had planned it. We were folding clothes in my living room chatting and joking. At some point we started to fight with towels. Then all of my clothes were thrown across the living room. We finished the fight with cushions – I had to buy new ones because we literally tore the others apart. There were feathers everywhere, I was a bit pissed because I liked my cushions. So, I chased her and tickled her for revenge and we fell on the floor. She looked magnificent at that moment, laughing out of her lungs, her cheeks pink with blush, her eyes sparkling with joy…It was then, right at that moment everything was perfect, there was nothing else in the world but us.

I kissed her and I couldn't stop kissing her. And as if it was something natural between us, I made love to her for the first time. It was spontaneous and beautiful and magic. It was perfect.

Ever since, I've always taken the lead in our physical encounters. I think she was nervous and afraid to disappoint or just not at ease yet. But I didn't mind, because I was having pleasure at giving her pleasure. Today though, it seems like she's ready, and my body is tingling from its eagerness to feel her hands on me.

She has gotten rid of all of my clothes and I'm lying there naked in front of her. I watch her undressing herself, not leaving my body with her eyes. I watch her touching me with the awkwardness of a first time. She's touching, biting, caressing, licking, just trying to learn my body with her hands and mouth, all the while staying aware of my reactions.

It's not long before I'm on the edge – writhing, moaning, breathing heavily, begging her to release me from her oh so delicious torture. I breathe her name once more before oxygen leaves my lungs as I reach orbit with an orgasm.

Nancy moves back up my body and takes me in her arms. Well, I might be the first woman she's ever made love to, but geez she's a quick study, not to mention very gifted with her hands and tongue.

"Was it okay?" she asks after a moment with a little voice full of insecurity.

"Okay? Babe, you sent me to the moon, so okay, doesn't cover it." I reply with a goofy smile. She chuckles and just tightens her embrace on me before kissing me.

xxxxx

One more month in Hell. The situation hasn't changed with Catherine. If anything, it keeps getting worse – and here I thought that was impossible. This is draining me, and every day is a tough fight where I somehow always end up bruised and tired.

I just finished a double shift four hours ago, so I went back to my apartment. Usually I would go back to Nancy's, but today I need some time on my own to think and compose myself again. Catherine was particularly merciless today. Basically she called me incompetent and made me feel like a rookie.

I'm lying on my bed staring at my ceiling. I've been losing sleep over this mess. In fact, I've been losing sleep, energy and more over this.

"Hello."

I lift my head up and see Nancy leaning against the door frame. She looks upset. "Hey. I didn't hear you coming." I say with a soft smile. For the first time she doesn't return my smile. "Something's wrong?" I ask with concern.

"You mean except for the fact that you stood me up?" she questions me. I feel my eyes getting wide in surprise.

"I totally forgot we were supposed to meet." I say with an apologetic tone.

"I think I figured it out during the hour and a half I was waiting for you," she replies. She sighs, "I guess there's a first time for every thing." There's disappointment and hurt in her voice. She turns around and leaves my bedroom. I get on my feet and follow her immediately.

She's pacing like a caged animal and seems lost in thought. I simply sit down on the couch waiting for her to acknowledge me again. She finally stops and looks at me. "Do you want to break up with me?" she asks, insecurity and panic oozing from her.

I feel like I had just received a punch in my guts. "What? No! Where did that come from?" I replied surprised. Just the thought of losing her makes me sick to my stomach. So breaking up with her is definitely not on my list of things to do.

She looks away, but doesn't answer. She looks like a scared little girl and I don't know what to do to reassure her. "It's just that you've been distant with me this last month. You don't talk to me anymore, even when you're with me you're not there… and…I know the situation with my sister kills you – I know how unforgiving my sister can be, and I want to be there for you, to share this burden with you… but you keep pushing me away and I… I don't recognize you and I feel like you're punishing me…and it hurts me to be an outsider in your life… and…" she rambles.

I take that as a cue for me to explain myself. Like I said, work is draining me, or more accurately facing Catherine at work is draining me. And I know I have been a little aloof lately, but it's just because I don't want to bring all of that mess from work between Nancy and I. I mean, Catherine can mess with my work, I'll deal with it, but I won't let her mess with my private life. I thought that if I kept everything to myself I could spare Nancy and our relationship. When, in the end, I was doing the exact opposite. I've been such an idiot. My intentions were good, but still I've hurt the only person I wanted to protect. Well, you know what they say about the road paved with good intentions…

"I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry for pushing you away and making you think that I was punishing you." Walking to her, I cup her face in my hand. She's crying silently, so I try to erase her tears with gentle strokes of my thumbs. "I just wanted to spare you from all this. I didn't want Catherine to be between us. I…" I sigh at my inability to express myself properly. "You're right. This situation kills me. I mean I'm at a point were I dread the moment I have to go back to work. Can you believe it? Me, Sara Sidle, a workaholic, I dread going to work," I chuckle nervously. "Because going to work means that I'll have to put up with her attitude, and her remarks. I'll have to put up with her questioning my skills as an investigator. And she's doing a so bloody great job at this, that I question myself as well. I won't lie – this is worse than hell." I confess.

"There's not a day where I don't ask myself 'what the hell am I putting up with this for?'. Then I come back to you, and as soon as I lay my eyes on you, the answer gets clear. I put up with this because you are worth it – we're worth it. Because no matter how awful my day is, I don't care as long as you're with me at the end of the day. Because I love you and there's not a sacrifice I wouldn't make for this to work. I love you Nancy." I let the words pour freely, straight from my heart.

She smiles through her tears. I kiss her lightly and then hug her fiercely just to make sure that she's there with me. I just realized that I could have stupidly ruined our relationship. "I love you." I repeat.

"You scared me." She says still crying. "Don't push me away again." she pleads.

"I won't. I promise." I say tightening my embrace.

xxxxx

Ever since last week's little fallout, I've spent all of my time at Nancy's. Tonight's my night off, so we've decided to get out as a family with Jeremy and Allan. We had a nice dinner and we went to the arcade, where we still are. I'm beating the boys at a car game while Nancy is just watching us, smiling.

"Woohoo! I won again!" I say cheerfully.

"I want a rematch!" Jeremy says.

"Yeah me, too. And this time we'll beat you!" Allan adds.

I give them both coins, so we can start the game again. The start is tight but I manage to get in front of the boys, yet again. I can feel Nancy's eyes scrutinizing me with a rapture interest during the two first tours. I give her a quick glance before turning my attention back on the screen. "What?" I ask with a smile. She doesn't say anything. Jeremy's car gets side by side with mine. Two more turns left and we'll reach the finish line. I have trouble keeping my advantage, but I hold on good.

"I love you, too." Nancy's voice whispers in my ear. I stop breathing and my heart literally stops beating before taking an unhealthy pace and exploding. As the meaning of her words reach my brain a nanosecond after, as I crash my car off the road.

"YEAH!! I won! I won!" I hear Jeremy exclaiming next to me "Al, give me five!" he says to his brother. My eyes are glue on the screen on my crashed car. "Mom, did you see that?! I won, I beat Sara!"

"I saw honey. I'm proud of you champ!" Nancy answers happily before kissing her son's forehead and ruffling his hair. Then she gets behind me "You know, I don't understand how you managed to miss that turn." she teases me.

I chuckle. "Yeah, me neither." I say before getting up from my seat and taking her in my arms. "Now that I think about it, I remember that you told me something. I didn't quite catch it."

"Really?" she says waggling her eyebrows. "Oh, that's right. Now, I remember." She kisses me deeply before pulling back. "I love you too." She repeats herself.

I told her that I loved her last week and she hadn't answered back, not that I minded. I mean, I didn't tell her expecting to hear those words back. I did it because that's what I felt – and still feel. Besides, this might be the first time she's saying those words to me, but she has shown me her feelings by her actions before. So I knew I wasn't the only one feeling like this.

She loves me!

I keep myself from doing a happy dance in the middle of the arcade and kiss her again. "Alright, cut the kissing. We have to try that new game over there. Come on Sara!" Jeremy says while Allan laughs. Those kids are lucky I love them as well.

xxxxx

I'm cuddling with Nancy on her couch. We're reading a book together – it's a good excuse to be physically close to one another. We have two hours to spare before having to pick up the boys from their basketball practice "I know Thursday is your night off and that you wanted to go out, but my mother is coming to dinner that same day." Nancy says suddenly out of the blue.

"Oh. Okay, well it's alright we'll get out another day. Besides, I need to go back to my apartment anyway, to do some cleaning." I answer.

"No, that's not what I meant." she says. "I'd like you to be there for dinner as well." she adds. She lifts her head up from its resting place on my shoulder and looks at me.

"You want me to have a dinner with your mom?" I repeat, my brain not really processing the information.

"Yeah. Well, I'll be there with the boys. It's not like it was a date or something." She replies jokingly yet with apprehension.

"You want me to meet your mother?" I say, still not moving on with my brain. I've been in enough serious relationships to know how much important it is when you get to meet your partner's family. I mean it's a freaking big step forward.

"Well, yeah. If you think you're not ready, I'd understand – I don't want to put any pressure on you, it was just an idea." She says offering me an easy way out.

My brain cells start to fire again and I smile brightly. "I'll be there. I mean, I'd love to meet your mother." I finally say.

"Really?" she asks surprised.

"Of course, I love you and I'm more than honored to meet your mom. Nervous as hell, but still honored."

"Great." She beams before kissing me.

I'm going to meet Nancy's mother. Boy, I hope it will go well.

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**Well I should warn you now, Catherine has been 'nice' so far...**

**Thanks for reading.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10 is on! Thanks for your reviews people! Yeah, well I felt like cutting some slack - not to much though - to Cath... A yes I think I can actually make her worse than she already is...but I although like payback time... so she might not have the upper for long... **

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: **csi7**, be reassured, I don't plan on killing anyone, especially not Nancy, I'm cruel, true, but not that much ;)**

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**Chapter 10: Catherine**

Today's my day off, so I'm spending it at home with Linds. Today she has a friend over, so I'm taking this chance to clean the house and have some time for myself. I walk to the main door as someone just rang the bell. I look through the peephole to see who it is. I sigh with anticipated frustration as I see who my guess is. I open the door and step aside. "Mother," I say flatly.

"Each of your welcomes is warmer than the previous. Sometimes I wonder if I taught you anything," she replies. Wow! Three seconds and that's her first reproach, I think we may have made a record here. Okay, I might have asked for this one.

I put on the best fake smile I can muster and use a honey voice, "Hello Mom, how are you? Fine? Good, I'm glad to hear it."

She just sighs and shakes her head in return. She drops her coat and makes herself comfortable. I close the door and go back to the kitchen where I was cooking dinner. She comes in the kitchen and pours herself a glass of water before standing near the island. "I had dinner at your sister's last night. I was surprised not to see you there," she says.

"And why is that?" I ask with no real interest as I'm still busy with my vegetables.

"It was a test run dinner," she explains. That stops me short.

A 'test run dinner' is what we call the dinner where we introduce our lovers or the person we really like to our mother. I can't believe my sister introduced Sara to our mother. I guess I underestimated the seriousness of their involvement. "Of course, that's probably because you already know her latest conquest; but still, you usually never miss one of those dinners," she adds. "I take it you and your sister aren't on good terms," she states more than asks.

"Stay out of this," I growl.

"You know me. I don't stand between you and your sister or brother when you have a problem. You are adults, so you'll fix things as such."

"How was it?" I inquire as I'm suddenly really curious about my mother's opinion. I turn to face her.

"Well, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't surprised to find out that your sister was dating a woman. But other than that, it was a really pleasant dinner and Sara is really a nice woman." She answers with a gentle smile. I should have known that she would stand up for Nancy.

Voices of young girls reach our ears, cutting off our conversation. "Gram!" Lindsey exclaims as she acknowledges her grandmother. She runs to my mother and hug her hello. "It's so good to see you!" she says genuinely joyful.

The only thing for which my mother and I are on the same wavelength is Lindsey. My mother adores my daughter and my daughter gives her all this affection back. "How are you my darling?" my mother asks.

"Good, Gram, I'd like you to meet my friend, Eleanor but you can call her Elie. Elie this is my grandmother Lilly Flynn."

"Elie, nice to meet you." My mother says extending her hand to my daughter's friend.

"Nice to meet you too, Mrs. Flynn," Elie answers politely.

"Please call me Lilly. What are you girls doing?"

"Elie is staying over tonight, so we're going to her place to get some music and videos. Will you stay over for dinner?"

"Of course, dear," my mother answers. Great, that's all I need, my mother inviting herself for dinner. I'm exulting inwardly.

"Cool, I'll see you later then," Lindsey says before heading out with her friend. "Later mom," she calls over her shoulder.

"So, you're okay with all this?" I say to my mother once Linds and her friend are out.

"Okay with what?" she asks.

"Nancy dating Sara," I specify my question.

"Why? You're not? Is that why you weren't there last night? Because your sister is dating a woman?"

"Of course not!" I defend myself.

"Why should I be bothered?" she asks.

"I don't know, Mother. I didn't say you should be bothered. But admit it – you could. You have so many ideas of what things are good and what things aren't." I reply.

"Well, for your information, I think I'm a fairly open-minded person. Then this is the 21st century. Gender is such a relative notion nowadays. Besides if you had seen your sister, you would know that I couldn't be against this relationship even if I wanted to be. They really looked happy."

I'm boiling. Whatever Nancy or my brother Jude do, they always get the support of my mother, but when I do the same, all I get is reproaches and criticisms. That's why I hate having my mother around. Whenever she speaks to me, it's to make praise my brother or my sister, just to remind me that I never do anything good enough for her taste.

I snort, "Nancy gets your blessing. What a shock!" I mumble sardonically, turning my back on her again. My mother hears me, but decides against replying and keeps talking.

"Sara really is a nice woman. She's witty, fun, polite, intelligent, shy and really reliable. She cares about your sister and her boys just as much as they care about her. They're actually about to celebrate their six month anniversary in a couple of weeks."

I can feel anger rising in me. Six month anniversary? So, they were together for three months before I found out. Bloody hell!

"Now, I remember that Sara said that she was doing the same job that you do, on the same team right?"

"Right." I reply through my teeth. Six month anniversary.

"It's a small world after all," she chuckles.

"It sure is." I seethe.

"Why did you take a bitter pill that morning?" my mother asks me a bit frustrated. I don't answer just keep cutting my vegetables. "Answer me when I'm asking you a question!" she orders. "What is your problem today?"

"My problem? _My_ problem?! You want to know what's my problem?"

"Well, yes Catherine. I want to know what's your problem. How come you're always so aggressive when I talk to you?"

"I don't know! How come you never speak to me except for making me feel like a failure?!" I burst.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me! 'Jude and Nancy are going to the University!' 'Jude and Nancy graduated with flying colors!' 'Jude and Nancy have decent jobs.' 'Jude and Nancy are giving a better education to their children.' 'Why can't you be a little more like Jude and Nancy?' Well, news flash mother! I'm neither Jude nor Nancy. I'm so sick of this! I'm so sick of being the ugly little duckling of this family!" I shout.

I start to pace like an animal. "I'm working my ass off to give what's best to my daughter and not once did you ever tell me that I was doing something right! Oh, but you did tell me that Jude and Nancy were good parents! I introduced you to the people I dated, not once did I have your blessing not even for the father of my child. I dated women who I liked deeply, but all I got from you were reproaches. Nancy does the same and does she get any of your reproaches? Good heaven no, because whatever Nancy does is perfect! I found a great job where I help people find justice. Do I get your praise? No. All I get to hear is how unholy the hours I work are, how I'm never there for my daughter, or how much of a bad mother I am whenever I'm here." I snort.

"Jude works at the ER, is barely home with his kids and wife, he works even more than I do, night and day. But we can't reproach him with anything because, after all, he's saving lives, while I work with dead people! And he gets to be a good father while I'm a bad mother! Why is it that I can never do anything right where you're concerned?"

"Are you accusing me of loving Jude and Nancy more and better than I love you?" my mother asks me slowly.

"I'm just stating the truth mother," I reply.

"How dare you?" she says outraged. "I'll have you know that I love you as much as them. I'm deeply sorry if I made you feel like I wasn't proud of you or that they were better than you. Now, you may think you're the only one to get reproaches and criticisms, but let me tell you that they both have an earful when I think they deserve it. I treat the three of you the exact same way. You can say a lot of things about me, but don't you ever, ever accuse me of not loving each of my children the same way with deep and unconditional love."

"You're proud of me?" I snort "I hate to break it to you, but you could have fooled me there for the past twenty years." I say bitterly.

"Yes, Catherine. I'm proud of you. Don't think that I don't see you struggling to be a good mother, while being single to educate your child and having an exhausting job, because I do. And yes, I think you work unholy hours. And yes, sometimes I wish you would quit your job for another that would make you feel happy and in full bloom, a job where I don't have to wonder whether or not tonight is the night that my granddaughter becomes an orphan. But, it's a fact I'm proud of you. Don't you ever doubt that!"

To say I'm stunned would be an understatement right now. "I do criticize you a lot, but there's reason for that. I found out a long time ago that it was the only way to actually push you to do your best, and don't you dare tell me it's not true. I'm your mother and I know how you work."

She's right, hearing her criticisms always pushed me higher. I mean it always brings out the best of me because I want to prove her wrong. But sometimes I wouldn't mind a little pat on my shoulder. "I wouldn't mind a compliment sometimes, or just a reminder that you're proud of me."

"I hear you. And I'm sorry if I made you believe that I wasn't proud of you for all those years," she says caressing my cheek. "I don't know why it is so difficult for us to communicate."

"That's probably because I inheritted of most of your piggy-stubborn-bitchy-pain-in-the-ass character." I reply.

"Well, thanks," she chuckles. She sighs, "You want to know something?"

"What?"

"As a mother, I have only had three dreams. The first was to keep my children safe and healthy and prepare them for life. I look at the three of you and I think that in spite of what each one of you has been through, my teaching wasn't vain. The second was to be blessed with grandchildren; I'm more than content in this department. My last dream is to see my children happy with their lives. Jude is happy. Nancy is on her way back there, but you've always been the one who couldn't seem to find the way there," she says.

"There's always something keeping you away from true lasting happiness. You're right. I never gave my blessing to any of your partners, because none of them deserved you as far as I was concerned. Unfortunately, the stories always proved me right, and believe me when I say that I wanted to be wrong more than once. Now, if someone ever put on your face the smile Amy puts on Jude's face, or the one Sara puts on Nancy's face, if anyone makes your face light up like that with genuine love and happiness, then that someone will deserve my blessing, be it a man or a woman," she says firmly.

I can't help but shed a few tears. I don't think my mother and I have had a heart to heart in a long time. It feels good to know that I'm probably not that ugly little duckling after all. I hug her tightly. "Thanks, Mom."

"I love you Catherine, don't you forget that."

"I love you too."

She chuckles "Now, now. Dry those tears we have a dinner to make."

xxxxx

"Willows' residence?" I answer the phone.

"_It's me."_

"What do you want?" I say with a cold voice as I recognize Nancy.

"_I just wanted to remind you that you were expected at twelve thirty Saturday for lunch. I do suppose you remember it's your nephew's birthday."_

"Yes, I do remember. Don't be condescending, I'm so not in the mood," I reply.

"_Good."_

"I suppose she's going to be there," I say with scorn.

"_First, she has a name. And yes, Sara will be there. It goes without saying."_

"Well in that case, it goes without saying that I won't be there."

"_Excuse me?"_

"You heard me. If she's there, I won't come. Listen, I already have to put up with her while I work. I might as well avoid spending time in her company when I can."

"_Sara will be there, understood?"_ she repeats. _"I don't care if you don't like it. It's Jeremy's birthday, so you'll be making an effort,."_ she states sternly.

"I'm telling you Nancy, if Sara is there, I won't come. It's a guarantee. Now you choose – either it's her or me. But you can't have both because I won't make a compromise."

"_It's Jeremy's birthday! You have to be there!" _she replies.

"Then Sara won't be there."

"_I can't believe you! I don't have to choose! Sara will be there and so will you," _she growls.

"No Nancy, Sara won't be there because if she is, then I won't come."

"It's Jeremy's birthday…" 

"And that's exactly why I don't want Sara to be there. If she is, there will be tension, a bad atmosphere and probably an argument. We wouldn't want to spoil Jeremy's party now would we?" I make my point vehemently.

"You can't make me choose this is unfair…" 

"Well so is life. If she's there, so help me god, I won't stay for the lunch or the party. You can scream as long as you want. You can say whatever you want. That's final. It's Sara or me, but you won't have both." I say firmly.

"_I can't believe you."_ she snorts.

"Yeah, well just give me a chance and I'll show you how serious I am." I say before hanging up.

There's no way Sara is going to be there in my life for any family event. She isn't my family as far as I'm concerned. She fucks my sister? So be it, but I certainly won't spend a whole day having to put up with the happy couple.

I know that I could bite the bullet and be an adult, I should. I know that the only reason I'm making Nancy choose is because I can and because I know that it's a won battle already.

I don't care if I hurt my sister, I don't care if I hurt Sara. This is my family, my rules. And if Sara thinks she can fuck with my family and get away with it, she's definitely wrong.

xxxxx

My sister has been calling me all week. She tried to reason with me; she begged; and then she screamed. We had arguments about Saturday, but I didn't change my mind. If nothing else, this week has made me more adamant about Sara's absence at the party.

It will go my way and that's it.

"Willows?" I answer my cell.

"_You won. Happy?"_ Nancy says with anger.

"Wise decision." I can't help but smile at my victory. "I'll be there with Linds on time then. You want me to bring anything?" I say lightly, but all I get in answer is the dial tone. I can't help the mean smile on my lips. I shouldn't be proud of myself, but I am. I feel a sadistic pleasure in the knowledge that I won over Sara.

Like I said, Sara won't ever win. She might have my mother and sister in her pocket, but she won't have me. And as long as it stays that way, I'll win over her.

My family, my rules.

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**Like I said I cut her some slack...but definitely not too much ;)...**

**Thanks for reading.**


	11. Chapter 11

**First, for those who haven't seen it yet, I made a little modification of chapter 9, and I also made an apology for my awkward choose of words, explaining that no offence were intended. I'm sorry again.**

**That being said, thanks for your reviews... Ok here's chapter 11...there's some troubles in paradise...**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps:**scuby** Ô great** scuby,** without you, no story...thanks for helping me ;-) (nice rhyme don't you think:-p)**

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Chapter 11 **

I get home – well at Nancy's – sporting a goofy smile. I'm absolutely ecstatic, bordering on euphoric. Nancy's in the kitchen reading a book on the island – don't ask me why, but it's one of her favourite places to read. I go to her and kiss her neck playfully at first, before I put her book aside before claiming her lips for an electric kiss.

She giggles at my behaviour. I pull back a little. "Hey babe," I greet her before kissing her again.

She laughs in our kiss before pulling back a little. "Someone's in a good mood today," she states. I just hum in response as my mouth is already engaged on her neck. One of her hands is in my hair to hold me on a spot she likes. When I hear her moan a little, I make my way up to her lips. "Can I have the same pill?" she teases me.

I just chuckle. "Guess what?" I ask her with a smile, before pecking her lips gently.

"What?" she replies amused.

"I got it," I answer mysteriously with a waggle of my eyebrows. She shakes her head with questioning eyes. "Jeremy's gift."

Her smile fades away immediately, she pales a little. I think I know why she reacts like that. I just hoped it wouldn't be that bad. I talk before she gets the chance. "I know we've talked about it and that you didn't want me to buy him that gift because it was expensive and way too much… but please hear me out. I wanted him to have something special because it's his birthday. Once a year he gets to be spoiled, and if you had seen is eyes when he saw it in the store window then you would understand why I bought it. And I want this birthday to be as special for him as it is for me…I've never been in events like this and I can't way to see his eyes getting as round as saucer plates when he unwraps his gift." I confess.

Jeremy and Allan love model cars. They had three little jewels with motors, too damn good and realistic to be labelled as toys. The other day we went to a shop that specialized in those things to get some parts for the motors of one of the car, and there was a new one being displayed in the shop window and Jeremy just stood in awe staring at it. He had sparkling eyes and such an expression on his face that I just knew I had to get this model for him.

"Don't be mad at me. I didn't mean it wrong," I plead my case.

She refuses to look at me and seems more upset as time goes. I get the sick feeling that something is wrong and that it has nothing to do with me buying Jeremy something she didn't want me to buy. I cup her face gently and force her to look at me. I kiss her softly on the lips, it's a kiss mean to say that I love her, that I'm here for her no matter what's bothering her.

She looks at me with pain filled eyes. "She said that she won't come if you're here," she whispers.

"What?" I ask her confused.

"She said that she won't come if you're here," she repeats more firmly. "I told her that it was unfair, that I didn't want to choose, and that she didn't have the right to do this to me…" she trails off.

Please don't let this happen to me. I can feel it coming, raging gut-wrenching hurt. I can feel my stomach turning into a tight knot. I will myself not to lose it now, maybe, just maybe, it won't be as bad as I think it will.

"I fought, I really did…I begged … I don't want you to think that I didn't do anything, because I did…" she says crying.

I feel myself going numb, feeling this vicious pain creeping in my whole body, slowly surrounding my heart.

She looks at me again. "She's his godmother. She's never missed a birthday…" she's struggling with her words almost choking on them. "You said it yourself, it's his birthday. It is his special day. I know you won't mind her being here, but if you're there, she would make a scene or worse turn around and walk away. I can't take that chance. I mean it's my son's birthday, I can't take the risk to ruin it, can I?"

I feel like my heart has been carved out of my chest with a spoon. I feel numb for a moment. I'm hurting so much that I don't feel anything anymore. "I can come to the party, right?" I ask even though I know the answer.

I look at her and her eyes confirm that I got her right. "Okay," I say flatly.

"Okay?" she repeats surprised. I just look at her without any emotion. "Okay? Is that all you have to say?" she asks me with a shocked tone.

"Yeah, okay," I say again. I can feel my hurt slowly changing into anger, a cold anger.

"Don't you be okay with it!" she says harshly physically pushing me away. She's crying and now she's upset about my passivity. "Don't you be okay with it," she repeats pushing me again.

All the defences I had let crumble down, rise up again. I feel my heart getting cold, and a hot acid travelling through my veins. "When did you plan on telling me this?" I ask her coldly.

I've been talking about Jeremy's birthday all week and not once she told me that we might have a problem. She didn't say anything about Catherine's ultimatum. Once more I feel like I was the fool in this story.

"I spent my week fighting with Catherine. I thought I could convince her…" she replies firmly.

I just nod a little, still not showing any emotion. I can see her getting more upset as my silence lasts. "Bloody hell, say something," she begs me.

I snort bitterly. "What do you want me to say? That it hurts? Well, it doesn't hurt. It's worse actually, and 'hurt' doesn't even start to cover it," I tell her with a harsh tone.

She's hurt by my reaction I can see that much, but right now I don't really care. "I'm sick of this," I say with a sigh. "I'm sick of feeling like I am being fooled, sick of feeling like I am the only one fighting for this relationship," I elaborate.

"I never come to you with anything, but damn I've been putting up with a lot, just to be with you. If it wasn't for your lie, I wouldn't have to put up with Catherine treating me worse than shit, fucking with my job like she does. But I do put up with this because I love you and want to be with you. Yet, I'm the only one biting the dust here," I continue. Nancy's crying a little more, her hurt growing with each new word.

"If I hadn't lied we wouldn't be together," she says in a whisper.

"That's true. But right now I'm thinking that maybe it wouldn't have been such a bad thing seeing where it's led us," I reply.

"Do you mean it?" she asks with shock clouding her features, crying harder.

"Yes, I do," I say harshly. "Because all I see right now is that I'm the only one fighting for something we both want."

"I'm fighting!" she protests.

I shake my head. "No, you're not! Just because you spent your week having argument over the phone with her, doesn't mean you're fighting! All you're doing is hiding and waiting, hoping that things will be okay someday. But it won't happen like that! So no, you're not fighting!"

"I'm not hiding!" she spits.

"Oh yeah? I don't remember you facing her or actually trying to make things change! And nothing will change until you actually find the guts to go to her and stand up for me!" I shout.

I've never seen as much pain in her eyes as right now. She's looking away from me, trying but failing to contain her sobs. A part of me is aching to take her in my arms, and is more than ashamed to know that I'm the reason for her crying right now. But the other part of me – the more powerful part at the moment – is just plain pissed off and hurt and doesn't want to let it go.

I keep looking at her for some time before talking again. "I need some air," I announce with a neutral voice "Don't wait for me I don't think I'll come back," I take a deep breath. "Actually I might stay at my apartment for a while. I think I need some time away from you… from all this," I say with a lump in my throat.

I don't wait for her response before making my way out.

xxxxx

I drive around not really wanting to go back to my apartment. I've been driving for the last hour, hoping to cool off. The thing I like about driving is that it has a soothing effect on me and right now that's exactly what I need. It's not really working today though. I can't help but thinking about Nancy and our fight.

We never really fought before. Today was our real first fight. We seldom fight because we're talking to each other a lot. We're great in the communication department. Or at least until today we were great. Whenever something is not right we talk about it, we always prevent the fights so to speak.

The things I told her were weighing on my chest for a while now and I just didn't tell her when I should have. Instead, I kept it inside and let it eat me alive, and it just exploded in Nancy's face earlier. I'm not so much pissed about telling her what I felt as I am about the way I told her.

Now that I think about it, I know that the reason I didn't tell her anything was because I was afraid to put our relationship on the line. I know I love her and that she loves me. I'm not doubting her feelings at all. But just because she loves me doesn't mean she's ready to make all kind of sacrifices.

I hurt her, deeply. And now that my anger is just like a pile of ashes, I berate myself for hurting her. I have felt nauseous since I left her. Just the thought that I could lose her right now is turning me upside down.

Damn it! I can't lose her like that! Not because of Catherine! I just can't lose her; period! I feel my chest tightening just at the thought of losing her. Great, I'm heaving now because I'm having a panic attack. I really fucked things up today.

Now that I'm a bit cooler, I start to really catch up with what happened today. I know what Nancy tried to tell me, but I felt so disappointed not to be allowed to be there at Jeremy's birthday. I was really looking forward to it. You know, I really felt like I was becoming a part of a family with Nancy and the boys, and today was the wake up call. I'm not a part of the family, well not a real one.

Sure I'm not happy that Nancy gave up, but I get her point. I mean, I can be in Catherine's presence and act civil. She, on the other hand, keeps on pushing my buttons so we can fight. And I'd be really pissed at myself if I ruined Jeremy's birthday because Catherine can't stand me.

I don't like to surrender, and if it was any other day I wouldn't. I would go even if her Highness of Bitchyland doesn't want me to. But it's Jeremy's birthday, I just can't ruin that day. I think that's what Nancy tried to tell me. That she didn't make the choice she wanted, but the one in the best interest of her son.

The thing is that I reproached Nancy with not doing a thing, when I'm no better. Sure I put up with Catherine everyday, but I let her get it away with all her crap. I don't fight back, and I've stopped trying to bring her to see things differently a while ago. I let her treat me like less than nothing, when that's not me. I'm not one to let people treat me like that.

What really hurts me in all this, is that I feel like Catherine is taking my life away from me. She just ruins the most important thing for me, and she's doing it…hell, I don't know why she's doing it!

I finally stop the car not far from my apartment. I have to talk to Nancy, to tell her how sorry I am for earlier. We have issues to fix, but I don't want to lose her. I love her too damn much for that.

I take my cell phone and dial her number by heart. I hold my breath and will myself to calm down.

"_Flynn residence,__" _her voice is shaky. And even if she tried to sound composed, you can tell that she's been crying and that she probably still is at the moment.

I swallow hard. I feel really bad right now. I never wanted to hurt her "I'm sorry," I simply say. I want to say more, but my mind is numb.

I hear her sighs. I can only imagine that she's trying not to burst into tears again. There's a long pause which scares me a little. The only thing I hear is her smothered sob and her irregular breathing. Please tell me that I can fix this.

"_You hurt me," _she finally says.

"I know. I'm sorry," I repeat.

"_The things you said…"_

"Babe…" I try to cut her off.

"_No. Listen to me!"_ she pleads _"Those things are true, you're right I didn't stand up for you like I should have, but damn you really hurt me Sara,"_ she says with a trembling voice.

I feel like there was a hand crushing my heart tight. Just the fact that she uses my full name says a lot. "I know, please forgive me," I reply.

A long silence settles between us again. I'm holding my breath, really hoping that I haven't screw things up too badly. "Do you want me to leave you alone?" I ask uncertain. I can feel my throat getting tight and tears watering my eyes.

After what I said I wouldn't blame her if she said yes. I insinuated that being together was a mistake and told her that I needed a break from her. But the truth is that being with her is the best thing happening to me in a long time and I want everything but taking a break from her.

"_I want you to come back home to me, please,"_ she finally replies. I feel a bit relieved, because that means there's a chance for me to fix things and make amend. I close my eyes tightly, a tear run free on my cheek but I brush it with my hand.

"I'm on my way."

"_Be careful,"_ she adds.

"I will," I assure her. "Babe?" I call her back.

I want to tell her that I love her but then decide against it. I'll wait to be with her. "I'll be there soon," I say instead, and with that I hang up.

Twenty minutes later, I'm turning my key in Nancy's front door again. I go in and close the door behind me. Nancy is on the couch sitting motionlessly. I sit next to her. She knows I'm here, but she hasn't spared me a look yet.

"I'm sorry I let you down," she says with a little voice. "I could find so many excuses for myself, but none could justify my behaviour. Somewhere I just resigned myself to the way things are, and you're right, I didn't really stand up for you or this relationship."

She's not looking at me when she speaks. "I love you and I don't want to lose you. I swear that I'll stop hiding starting tomorrow."

I wait a moment in case she wants to talk again. I take her hand in mine. "So will I," I answer which makes her look at me in surprise. "I stopped fighting when I let her treat me like she does without actually doing anything about it," I explain myself. I cup her face with my other hand and brush away the tears. "I love you, too. And we're going to face this together," I say before kissing her gently on the lips and taking her in my arms.

xxxxx

"Hey big guy," I announce entering Jeremy's room, once he has invited me in.

"Hey," he replies with a smile.

"Listen, you won't like what I'm going to say, but I can't be there tomorrow for your party," I say feeling every word burning my tongue.

"What? But you promised! And I want you to meet my friends," he exclaims.

"I know, I just can't be there," I simply say, not wanting to lie to him by making an excuse about work. I already feel bad as it is for breaking my word.

At this moment, I hate Catherine Willows for making me disappoint Jeremy, and taking some sparkles off his eyes.

"I tell you what though, we'll have another party. Or better yet, you can invite your friends next weekend and I'll take you all to Adventure Dome or wherever you want. I know it's not much, but I want to make it up to you," I offer.

"You'd do that?"

"Yeah," I reply with a smile.

"Alright, but you also have to call me tomorrow at 4 o'clock. on the dot and sing for me," he says extending his hand to me.

I take it and seal our deal, "Okay."

xxxxx

It's Saturday morning and in a few hours, I'll have to get away just before Catherine's arrival…

Nancy and I are making breakfast for the boys who aren't up yet. I enjoy my time with Nancy, I feel really sad to have to go. Right now, we just can't get away from each other's arms.

We have talked a lot last night after our fight. We surely have a lot to deal with and we've decided to do so after Jeremy's birthday.

"Good morning," Jeremy's voice says as he comes into the kitchen. Nancy and I are holding each other against the counter. I have my back against the counter and am holding her around her waist from behind. We lift our heads up and smile at him.

"Good morning," we answer in chorus. Nancy disentangles herself from me and goes to him. She hugs him tightly.

"Happy birthday, sweetie," she says with a smile and Jeremy just beams in response.

"Thank you mom," he replies.

"I love you, babe. Jeez, I can't believe you're thirteen today," Nancy says with pride and a sweet smile.

I wait until Nancy lets go of him before hugging him as well. "Happy birthday, big guy."

"Thanks Sara," he answers squeezing me a little. I pull back with a smile and shuffle his hair a bit.

Nancy serves him his breakfast. Allan comes in and hugs his brother from behind putting his arms around Jeremy's shoulders. "Happy birthday, squirt!" he jokes.

"Well, now that the both of you are awake, I have a little something for you," I announce before producing two envelopes, handing one to each of them. "That's my first gift," I say with a smile.

"You got me something? But it's not my birthday," Allan says confused.

"I know, but I wanted this day to be special as well," I wink at him.

"Wicked!" he exclaims.

They open their envelopes and smiles form on their lips instantly. They look at each other and compare the content of their envelopes.

"What is it?" Nancy asks curious.

"We're going to go make some kart racing!" they both say at the same time. They get up and hug me from both side and thank me in unison.

I feel my heart bursting with happiness all of a sudden as I hug them back. "Now, Jeremy I gave your gift to your mom, that way you'll open it with the rest later," I explain.

"Cool!" he beams again.

We share a nice breakfast like a family then the time for me to go comes. I tell the boys goodbye as they're going to get ready for the party.

I spend ten minutes just holding Nancy as close as possible to me. Then, soon it's time for me to go.

"I don't want you to go," Nancy pouts.

I cup her face gently with both hands. "I know. It's going to be okay," I reply kissing her.

We deepen the kiss as if it was the last time we are ever going to kiss each other again. We pull back when oxygen gets more important than our need.

"I love you," I tell her with all my heart.

"I love you, too," she tells me back.

"I'll call you," I say before kissing her again. Then I pull back because I know that if I don't leave now, I won't be able to do it later.

I feel my heart growing heavy with pain and anger as I walk out the door. Pain because of what I'm going to miss, and anger toward Catherine for taking that away from me.

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**Well, I don't want you to think that I'm taking one side in particular, I mean even though I do give a hard time to Cath doesn't mean that she's the only one who's going to take blows here...**

**Thanks for reading.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Ok, I'm back (...finally...). So I could look in my excuse bag and tell you that my work at the university and a lot of stuff have kept me from writing...truth to be told I suffered this good old writer block...But know that I'm sorry for the delay. Now i'm taking back a good rythm so hopefully the next chapter isn't too far. Thanks for your reviews.**

**One last thing...I might seem like I was taking side... just keep that in mind 'what goes around, comes around'... on that note, on for chapter 12**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;-)**

**ps: **scuby**...what would I do without you?**

**

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Chapter 12: Catherine **

"Mom! Hurry up we're going to be late!" Lindsey shouts at me from the doorway. I take one last look in the mirror and just like for the past twenty minutes I know there's something wrong, but I can't put my finger on it. I go downstairs and face my hyperactive daughter. As soon as she sees me, she runs out to the car. We're going to Jeremy's birthday.

Thinking of it kept me awake all night and restless all day. This house is so shiny that it almost hurts my eyes. As I lock the front door, it hits me. I know what's wrong, I'm nervous. I'm nervous at the idea of spending an entire day with Nancy. I've been ignoring her for the last three months and now we have to spend an entire day pretending that everything is okay.

Not to mention that my little game is probably about to backfire in my face. I asked her to choose between me and Sara. It was unfair of me. I knew that she wouldn't choose Sara. I had won this game before I even imposed it on Nancy. I'm Jeremy's godmother. I've never missed a birthday before. Therefore, I have to be there. And Nancy knows better than to doubt my threats. The only ally she has is our mother. And our mother never interferes in a fight between Nancy, Jude and I. She estimates that she has taught us enough for us to sort out issues like adults. Besides we're not kids, so the time when we could run to her for support is long dead. In short, Nancy never had a chance.

When she admitted that I won, I couldn't help the feeling of satisfaction I felt. But now I feel like shit. In fact, I've been feeling like shit for the last three months. Because I'm being a world class bitch to Sara and don't even treat her with a little respect. Then, because I ignore my sister. I should face the problem, that's actually what I'm telling myself everyday when I get up. But at the end of the day, I haven't done anything to change anything. If anything, I've made them a little messier.

Do you know the feeling you get when you know you've gone too far? You know that you're about to cross a line and you know that you should step back. But instead, you cross that line willingly just for the sake of doing it, to satisfy your mood at the moment. That's what I've been doing, each time crossing a bigger line, making any return attempt impossible.

I drive to Nancy's and ten minutes later we're in her driveway. Lindsey jumps out of the car as soon as I turn off the ignition. She runs to the door and knocks on it eagerly. Nancy opens the door and a genuine smile immediately graces her lips. She hugs Lindsey as usual and tells her something before letting her in. I watch the scene from afar with a little smile on my face. I take a deep breath and put my brave face on as I get out of the car.

I join Nancy on the porch, her smile has faltered ever since she laid eyes on me. "Catherine," she says curtly in a cold tone.

"Thank you for that oh so warm welcome," I reply with sarcasm and a fake smile.

She tenses and sends me a death glare. "Don't play your little games with me today," she growls.

"You want me to go? Because I can just do that, turn and go back to my place," I threaten.

"Do whatever you want Catherine. Just don't forget to say goodbye to your nephew and godson, not forgetting to let him know that you're leaving his birthday party," she replies.

Messing around with her is one thing, but spoiling Jeremy's birthday party is out of question. I'll never be a disappointment to him. There we are, first return of flames. This is going to be a long day.

I go inside and discover my mother in a nice discussion with her grandchildren – eight in all. My brother Jude and his wife are having a drink on the couch.

"Hey baby burn," Jude exclaims as he gets up from the couch and hugs me tightly. If you're asking what that stupid nickname is all about well, Jude is the oldest one, so Nancy and I are either 'little something' or 'baby something'. As for me I'm 'baby burn' because – that's what he says at least – I have a rather hot temper. Okay, he might not be that far from the truth. Anyway…

I hug him back. "It's good to see you big stuff," I reply playfully. He kisses me on the cheek before letting go of me and letting me greet his wife Amy.

"Aunt Nancy?" Lindsey's voice resounds. I turn around and pay attention, you never know what a kid is about to say, so you can never be careful enough.

"Yeah sweetie?"

"Where's Sara?" Lindsey asks.

Nancy looks right at me when she answers. "She had to work, she couldn't make it," though her voice is calm, I can feel the burning anger directed at me. Then she breaks eye contact and looks at Lindsey. "She said she was sorry."

"Too bad, we were supposed to have a Mario Kart contest," Linds says in a little voice.

"She's taking everyone to Adventure Dome next weekend to make it up to you guys, and of course you're invited," Nancy announces. I don't dare to protest. I already feel like worse than nothing and do not want to add to this feeling.

We have a rather pleasant lunch together. The kids are just ecstatic. They don't get together as much as they want. Jude is leaving Las Vegas and even if we try to have a family gathering regularly, it's not always possible. This lunch has a bittersweet taste though because even if Nancy is trying hard to be joyful, if you really take a look at her then you know it's just a front. She's sad actually, and that's all because of me.

An hour after the lunch, Jeremy's friends start to arrive with their hands full of gifts. The kids start to play in the backyard, some are playing video games, but pretty quickly every one is talking loud, laughing, running, having a blast, with the energy only teenagers and kids can have.

Nancy is on the kitchen trying to refill the candy bowl and taking a new round of brownies out of the oven. "Do you want me to help you with that?" I hear myself ask. I'm a bit surprised at first, but then I know why my mouth worked without consulting me. I miss my sister and I hate to see her gloomy like she is right now. I know I'm the one responsible for it but, I don't need any reminder thank you.

"I got it," Nancy answers not even looking at me. I watch her moving around the kitchen, going to the living room and then coming back. All the while, she just keeps on ignoring me, which only pisses me off.

"Hey, how are you Cath? Good thanks, what about you?...really cool...no really?" I mimic a conversation.

"If you don't have anything interesting to say, then don't say anything at all," she mumbles.

I can't really say I had expected her to be warm toward me, but she could at least try and see that I'm making an effort. I mean, being here today made me realize how much I miss my sister. I wait in silence watching Nancy busying herself. There are kids screaming, laughing, and jumping every where around us. Jude is playing with them while our mother is talking with Amy.

"How are you?" I try again.

Nancy stops at that and snorts with despise. She turns to me and looks at me with anger, something she's never done before. "This is a joke right?" she asks in disbelief.

I don't answer and just keep looking at her. I really wish things were simple. I know I messed up, but right now I miss the time when we were young and where 'I'm sorry' was enough to move on.

Nancy shakes her head and goes into the living room with juices and fruits, puts them on a table and then comes back. She passes by me fuming. Then she stops and looks at me. "You want to know how I feel?" she asks rhetorically. "I'm pissed – pissed that you're the one standing in my house right now," she states calmly but anger is oozing from her. I get her message loud and clear, but she just hurt me. And as always, I answer with the only thing I know: bitchiness.

"Oh, please! A few hours away from one another isn't the end of the world," I reply harshly.

Once again she snorts. "You know if it wasn't for Jeremy, you wouldn't be here," and with that she leaves me in the kitchen and doesn't come back.

The time for opening the gifts comes quickly after that. Jeremy asks everyone to stop what they're doing at four to three precisely. They all gather around the cake and wait a bit. Jeremy keeps his eyes on his watch. Then he starts to count down from five to zero. One second after he finishes counting, the phone rings. He runs to the phone to pick it up.

To my surprise it's Sara, apparently they had a deal for her to call precisely at four. Then he sweet talks her into singing, before he hands the phone over to Nancy. Nancy's face lights up with life and affection as soon as she takes the phone. She goes into the kitchen to have some privacy and from where I'm standing, I can see her smiling and being genuinely content.

Once the cake is served, I decide to have a little time out and go on the porch.

Some time later, Jude comes out and sits next to me. We share a long silence before he starts talking. "Want to talk about it?" he asks.

Jude and I have always been great at communicating with each other. Besides, since he's the oldest one, I'd turn to him because he was the one who could understand me the best. Now, I talk with Nancy, but being older, I try to protect her most of the time. Growing up this dynamic changed a little, but Jude and I always have the same connection.

"About what?" I play coy.

"About the thing going on between you and little bean," he replies flatly. Little bean, that's Nancy.

"I messed up," I answer with a sigh.

"Does it have anything to do with the killer brunette little bean is dating?" he asks.

"If you already know, why ask me anything?" I reply on the defensive.

"I just know that little bean is dating a woman. You know, you're not the only one I call almost everyday."

"Yes, it does," I concede with a sigh.

"What's wrong?"

"It's Sara," I just say.

"You mean that co-worker you've been bitching about for the last six years?"

"Yes, that one."

"I still don't get it," Jude answers.

"She's my co-worker and we were starting a new friendship, you know that deep and strong kind. And one night I find out that she's fucking Nancy, I went ballistic. Only until today, I hadn't realized that it could be more than this. That their relationship was serious. But you know me, when I'm upset, I don't think rationally. So, I've been making things worse for the past three months," I confess.

It was one thing to ignore Nancy and act like a bully. But seeing the consequences is a real wake up call for me. I can't stand not talking to Nancy, or being mad at her, but this time I've really gone too far and I hate the result.

"Alex Burton," Jude says out of the blue.

"What?"

"Alex Burton, he was my best friend when we were young and one day I caught the two of you making out at his place," he elaborates. I remember that day as if it was yesterday.

"I thought you would kill him," I add.

"Yeah, so did I. Saying I was upset would be an understatement. Finding out that my best friend was trying to get in one of my sisters' pants just made me lose it. He and I fought. I made his life a living hell for months, before we finally set things straight. You know what made me change things?"

"No, what?" I ask with a frown.

"The realisation that he wasn't alone in this story. I mean I blamed him, but not you. Then thinking about it, I realized that you weren't against the idea either. That and the fact that he had it bad for you. I mean, to keep seeing you in spite of what I made him endure – I knew he had to be serious about the whole thing," Jude snorts with humor. "Too bad things didn't work out between the two of you."

Jude gave us his blessing at some point, but then Alex and I had started to drift apart, only to break up four months later.

"Are you trying to tell me something?" I ask Jude.

"That would imply that you're actually listening to me. And we both know that you just can't do that. So that would be a loss of breath for me to do such a thing," he teases me.

"That's right," I chuckle.

He puts his arm around my shoulder and brings me to him. "Little bean needs you just as much as you need her. You'll fix this soon. You have to because no matter what happens, the two of you will always be sisters," he says before kissing the crown of my head.

It feels good to have some comfort right now.

He's right I have to fix things.

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**Thanks for reading.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Finally I update. Thank you very much for your reviews. Ok so you might be mad at me after this chapter...just don't kill me otherwise I won't be able to finish this story :p**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: **scuby**, kneeling down and bowing 'I'm not worthy, I'm not worthy...' of you... lol...thanks ;)**

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Chapter 13**

I'm two feet away from Nancy's door when a tornado that looks strikingly similar to Jeremy runs to me and tackles me to the ground in the front yard. "Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you!" he says without breathing.

I can't help the laugh escaping my lips forgetting my painful landing on the ground. I hug him back and ruffle his hair "You're welcome big guy," I chuckle.

We get up from the ground and start to walk to the house. My arm is draped over his shoulder. "I missed you today. You know you should have seen me. I was undefeated at Mario Kart for at least twelve races straight. Then Uncle Jude beat me, but I told him that you were better than him, and now he's waiting to see if I was right. I've been waiting for you to arrive before testing the racing car, now that you're here, we can race with Uncle Jude and Allan..." Jeremy tells me talking a mile a minute. I can't help but chuckle, smiling from ear to ear. All of a sudden, a big weight has been lifted from my chest.

I'm home, finally.

"Mom said that we'd have to wait until after dinner to have the race, but you could sweet talk her into letting us have one race now. I can't wait to use the Fireball," he pleads with me. Once again, I ruffle his hair as we head in the house.

"The Fireball?" I ask with an amused tone.

"Yep, that's what I named it," he beams as he answers.

"Honey, do you mind if I borrow her for a moment?" Nancy asks looking at me. I can feel my heart racing in my ribcage under her gaze.

"Sure, I'll wait for you in the backyard Sara," Jeremy says before leaving Nancy and I alone.

Nancy comes to me and doesn't give me a chance to speak as she claims my lips in a searing kiss. I kiss her back eagerly, feeling like I was breathing again. We pulled back when we need to breathe I kiss her one more time, caressing her face. "Hey there," I say smiling.

We hear a cough and turn around. A man is leaning against the island watching us with a smile. I look at Nancy and then back at the man. Nancy turns and blushes. "Jude, how long have you been there?" she asks him.

"I didn't want to interrupt. That was some kiss," he teases her and makes my face burn as well. He chuckles then comes next to me extending his hand. "I'm Jude, little bean's brother," he says.

"Nice to meet you," I answer taking his hand in mine.

"I'm glad to finally meet you. Little bean's been talking about you non stop for the last few months," he smiles brightly at me.

"Ok enough, you stop embarrassing me at once!" Nancy says.

I put my arm over Nancy's shoulder and kiss her forehead "It's alright...little bean," I chuckle. She gently hits my stomach in protest.

She narrows her eyes to Jude and shakes her head. "I'll get you back for this...tweedle," she retaliates.

I can't help but laugh a little when I catch the reference. Jude stares at me, silently asking me to stop. I like him, already.

Nancy introduces me to the rest of the family and we all have dinner before having a race in the backyard with the model cars. It's not the big party, but it's more like a private one. And right now I'm happy just to be there and sharing a birthday dinner in place of the real birthday party.

xxxxx

Nancy and I are lying in bed. Jude, his wife and his five children went to stay at Lilly's. The boys are in bed and Nancy and I just enjoy our first moment together of the day.

"Tell me about it," I say.

Nancy lifts her head from my shoulder and frowns. "Tell you about what?"

"The party. Tell me about the party," I elaborate.

"There were children...well, teenagers all over the house, running around, laughing, enjoying life as innocently as one can do. It's an amazing thing to witness and to hear. You can stop for a moment and watch them, and you know by the sparkle on their eyes that they were happy, genuinely happy even if it was just for this afternoon. Then Jeremy stopped everyone and waited for your call. He made you sing and then he blew on his candles. Time for the presents arrived and he kept yours for the end. You should have seen his eyes. He was so stunned he couldn't speak for a two whole minutes, just jumping up and down, grinning from ear to earn dancing happily and whooping in joy. And his eyes, you should have seen his eyes..." she trails off. "You were the only thing missing in an otherwise perfect picture," she adds snuggling further into my side.

I can't help the smile on my face picturing what she said about the party. I do feel a twinge of pain knowing that I missed it. Nancy looks at me intently, "I love you. For making my boys happy, for making me happy, for being yourself...for loving me like you do," she says, the look in her eyes is reflecting her words and she literally takes my breath away. I kiss her deeply, trying to convey all my feelings for her in that simple gesture.

xxxxx

I go to work early as usual and start on my paperwork. When I'm done, I go for a coffee in the break room and find everyone there.

"...oh yeah, it was a really good party, my nephew was totally having a blast..." I hear Catherine's voice from the doorway. I stop dead in my tracks and decide against going in there. Hearing her gloat about the party she banned me from is too much for me to bear.

Later, I'm having lunch with the boys. Greg is talking about Becky - well, Rebecca, his sister. Catherine is silently reading a paper across the table from me. Today she was rather quiet, and even tried to communicate with me. Yet I ignored her, not convinced that she was genuine.

"... Becky told me to tell you that she's sorry she can't come on Friday. She has to go to a conference for her job and won't have time to come by," Greg says.

"That's really too bad. I was looking forward to see her again," I reply. Becky and I grew quite close pretty quickly and I always like going out with her when she's visiting her brother.

"Yeah, so was she. Oh, by the way she told me that she had fun last time, the dates were perfect and..."

"My, one sister isn't enough," Catherine snorts with a voice full of despise.

My head snaps in her direction. Silence falls in the room and everyone except Warrick has a questioning frown on their face. "Private joke," Warrick says with a forced chuckle. Nick and Greg just shrug before talking again. I'm staring at Catherine, feeling anger burning me from the inside.

"I wonder if fucking people's siblings is something that runs in your family," Catherine says again, but this time I'm the only one that hears her. I'm about to explode when I feel a strong hand squeezing my thigh. Warrick's hand, maybe I'm not the only one to have heard her.

After a minute Catherine gets up and leaves the breakroom. I take a few deep breaths and then walk out after her. She'll get what she's asking for.

I storm into her office slamming the door behind me "What the..." she starts angrily.

"Shut up!" I reply through my teeth. "You won. I just lost every bit of respect I once had for you. You are pathetic, Catherine. All you had to do was talk to me. Be an adult. But no! I've been putting up with your shit for too long. So you know what? Fuck you! Go fuck yourself," I spit. I'm about to storm out again when I turn to her one more time. "Better yet, go get yourself fucked. It might help you with the tension!" And with that I open the door to leave.

I haven't made three steps away from the door before a hand grabs my elbow firmly and drags me away. I turn and see Grissom. Freaking fabulous.

He pushes me into his office closing the door and then comes to face me. "Go fuck yourself? Better yet, go get yourself fucked?" he repeats my lines with disbelief, anger and disappointment clear in his eyes. Now I'm in trouble. "Just where the hell do you think you are?! I don't know what the problem is, but you never talk like that to any of your colleagues, hell even to Ecklie. This is not high school, Sara!!" he shouts. He waits for a moment, probably for me to say something, but I don't. "I want to know what happened," he orders me.

I look away, not answering. "Sara," he prompts me.

"We were having a disagreement on a case. It got a little out of hands" I lie.

He stares at me for a minute. "Do I look that gullible?" he asks.

"That's the only answer I will give you," I reply harshly.

"You're suspended for a month," he announces. I look at him in disbelief, I'm about to say something, but he doesn't give me that chance. "I'm about to give you a chance, Sara. Officially, you'll be using your vacation time. Now if something like that ever happens again, trust me, I won't even blink an eye before firing you, understood?" he says angrily.

"Yes sir," I mumble.

"Feel lucky I'm not Ecklie. You'd be fired by now," he adds. He picks up his phone and presses a key. "Be in my office ASAP," he says shortly.

One minute later there's a knock on his door. "Come on in, Catherine," he says. I tense immediately, the fire of my rage starts to burn vividly again. "Sara has explained to me what happened and she has something to tell you," he says to Catherine who's standing next to me at a safe distance. He turns to me again "Sara, apologize."

No freaking way in hell am I about to apologize for what I said to her. Catherine asked for it, she had it coming. "No. I'm not." I reply firmly.

"Yes, you are. Because if you don't, our deal is over," Grissom dares me.

I put pressure on my jaw not wanting to concede this. But then I think, I can't let Catherine fuck me over yet again. "I'm sorry for what I said," I mumble barely audibly feeling each word burning my tongue, not sparing her a glance. Grissom looks at me and I let him know with my eyes that he won't get any more than that from me – consequences be damned.

"Go home Sara," he says with a sigh. I don't say anything and just turn to leave. I practically run to the locker room, grab my things and rush out to the parking lot.

xxxxx

I'm entering Nancy's house almost two hours and twenty minutes later. I've driven through Vegas to calm down, but it wasn't really effective. I go to the kitchen and pour myself a glass of cold milk. After a few minutes, I start to cool off, and only then do I register what I have done. Damn, I feel so disappointed in myself now.

"Baby?" I turn at the sound and see Nancy in her robe staring at me in confusion.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up," I say miserably.

She comes to me with concern. "Forget about it, what are you doing here? I mean you're supposed to be at work, there's no reason for you to be there unless..." she gasps. "Something happened, are you hurt, is anyone hurt or..." She doesn't finish her sentence, but I hear the rest loud and clear.

"Nothing like that happened," I reassure her.

"Then what is it?" she frowns. She hooks a finger under my chin to make me look at her. "Honey, talk to me," she says gently. I finally look at her and then look away.

"I'm suspended for a month," I confess with a little voice.

"What? Why?" she asks really concerned knowing what this job means to me. "What happened? Did you mess up a case or something? Did you..." she trails off as she sees me avoiding her eyes again "It's her," she states firmly "It's her, isn't it? I can't believe her! Damn it!" she exclaims before taking a step back.

"Actually it's me. I played along, and stooped to her level..."

"Sure and she played an innocent part in all of this. I'm going to kill her! How can she..." Nancy growls.

"I was out of line. I should have been an adult. Instead, I just...I lost it..." I sigh. "Listen, we'll talk about it tomorrow, let's get to bed now. I need you to hold me." I plead with her.

Nancy kisses me quickly on the lips before nodding. She takes my hand and silently takes me to bed. She takes me in her arms and holds me tight. I'm so emotionally exhausted that I fall asleep in no time at all.

I wake up alone with a note from Nancy telling me to take care of the boys and Lindsey because she has something to take care of, and that if she's not back in time, I need to take them to school.

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**Ok, I know it doesn't seem good, but trust me things are about to get better. I've never let you down so I won't start today. You know me I love the complicated paths...just have faith in me and don't torture me too hard ;)**

**Tweedle...as Tweedledee and Tweedledum...thank you Mr Carroll :-)**

**Thanks for reading.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Ok so I'm taking more time for chapters now and I'm deeply sory about the delay, but the end of the university year is coming, so exams aren't that far away, not to mention the music so I'm a bit caught in a lot of fires at the same time...forgive me. Thank you so much for your reviews. I'm sorry about this chapter, I'm really not satisfied with what I did but I just could find something else, so I'll make it up to you in the next...**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: thank you O great **scuby** for putting up with me even though I'm a hopeless case in grammar and spelling ;)**

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**Chapter 14: Catherine**

What have I done? What the hell have I done?

That's the only thought running through my head right now. It's been on my mind since I threw some nasty comment at Sara in the break room. Damn, I've messed up big time.

I've been in my office since Grissom stepped in and forced Sara to apologize to me. I've been sitting here pretending to work, when in fact I can't help loathing myself for what I did and can't stop hoping I could find a way to turn back time and prevent myself from crossing the last big line.

Let's try to process what happened.

xxxxx

I came to work determined to make an effort and stop acting like I had been with Sara. And I actually tried to talk calmly with her. But she ignored me. She never once glanced in my way or showed any signs of hearing my words. It pissed me off beyond belief. But most of all, it hurt me. I know that after the way I'd treated her for the last three months, I couldn't expect her to be welcoming as soon as I'd decided to be an adult. I mean, after all I didn't give her any reasons to believe me, so maybe she thought that it was another way for me to hurt her.

Anyway, I was pissed and I couldn't stand the fact that she ignored me so I pushed her buttons further than I already had. And I can't believe the words that came out of my mouth. We were in the break room with the boys and Greg was talking about his sister. Apparently Sara had dated her at some point and I snapped. "My, one sister isn't enough."

I know I hurt her deeply; the look in her eyes said it all. I regretted my words as soon as I had said them, but words are like bullets, once you let them go you can't take them back.

Warrick chuckled uncomfortably before saying, "Private joke," to Nick and Greg who luckily didn't ask for much more in the way of an explanation.

I was already way out of line and I should have stopped myself. Sara was staring at me with a raging fire in her eyes. There was so much pressure in her jaw that I thought it would break. But it's always when you know you shouldn't do something that you do it, trespassing into the forbidden.

"I wonder if fucking people's siblings is something that runs in your family," I suddenly said.

That was it, the last straw. I knew I had crossed **the** line. If it wasn't for Warrick, she might have punched me or worse. I couldn't face her realizing what I had done. I ran to my office. Well, not running, but I made it as fast as I could. I couldn't think of anything but: what have I done?

I was disgusted by myself. How could I stoop so low?

I had barely the time to take deep cleansing breaths before the door flew open. Sara stormed in and slammed the door behind her.

"What the..." I barely said when she cut me off.

"Shut up!" she ordered me angrily. "You won. I just lost every bit of respect I once had for you. You are pathetic, Catherine. All you had to do was talk to me, be an adult, but no. I've been putting up with your shit for too long. So you know what? Fuck you! Go fuck yourself," she spat and it hurt me. "Better yet go get yourself fucked, it might help you with the tension!" she said with disdain before storming out.

I didn't have the time to process the vivid burning in my chest when I saw Grissom's figure going after Sara in the corridor. That was definitely not good. I stood in my office waiting for his phone call. And I was right. Ten minutes later he barked at me over the phone to get in his office.

I was at his door within a minute. "Come on in Catherine," he said to me. I did as told, really apprehensive of what was waiting for me in there. I could feel Sara's anger oozing from her. I didn't have the guts to look at her. All I wanted was to be as tiny as a mouse and crawl in a hole to hide. "Sara has explained me what happened and she has something to tell you," Grissom explained to me. I could feel a good ass chewing session coming – not that I didn't deserve it. I held my head high and prepared for his next words. "Sara, apologize," he told her.

I was ready for a lot of things but not that. 'What had she told him?' was the question I asked myself. Because I sure as hell didn't deserve any apology.

"No, I'm not," Sara said through her teeth.

"Yes, you are. Because if you don't, our deal is over," Grissom replied in a tone that didn't leave room for argument. I wondered what that deal he was talking about was.

"I'm sorry for what I said," Sara mumbled inarticulately. I could feel her rage in her voice.

"Go home, Sara," Grissom dismissed her with a tired sigh. Sara left the room without a word and he turned, scrutinizing me. His stare was unfriendly. "I know Sara well enough to know that a simple disagreement over a case wouldn't elicit such a reaction and such words from her. I can only guess that your words were equally inappropriate, but since I didn't hear them, I can't do anything but let you off the hook. This incident is now closed. But, that being said, if there's a next time you'll both be fired. Do I make myself clear?" he asked firmly.

"Crystal clear sir," I replied a bit pissed off. I've always hated when he'd go all superior on me, even more so now that I'm the second in command.

"One more thing, you both better find a way to fix your issues because if you don't, I'll fix them for you. And I guarantee you that my solutions won't please either of you. So don't give me a chance to take the matter in hand," he added. He stared at me to be sure I got his point. I'm not one to be passive when I get an earful, but right at this moment I thought it would be better for me to eat some humble pie and keep my mouth shut. I nodded slightly. "Get out of my office, now," he ordered me with a calm voice.

I turned my back and walked away to retreat into the safety of my office.

xxxxx

I spent the rest of my shift sitting in my office berating myself for what I did.

That's still where I am right now. I'd give anything right now just for erasing that fight with Sara. Come to think of it, to erase the last three months. I'd give anything to get my friendship with Sara back and have a conversation with her about what happened instead of taking the path I chose.

Regrets always leave a bitter taste in my mouth, it's like eating ashes.

Well, I screwed up badly. There's nothing I can do now except move on with it. Although I doubt it will be that easy.

xxxxx

I enter my house exhausted and still disturbed about what happened today. I should call Sara but I know that right now she won't listen to me, right now and for a long time actually.

I sigh and start to go in the kitchen and jump in surprise as I face the figure of my sister sitting at the kitchen table. "What the hell are you doing here?" I ask her a bit harshly. "And who's taking care of Lindsey and the boys?"

"Sara is. She'll take them to school," she brushes my questions off. "We need to talk," she states with a firm tone.

"Listen, I'm not in the mood to have a talk with you right now," I dismiss her.

"Too bad! We're having it anyway," she replies.

I take a deep breath willing myself not to lash out at her with my words. I go to the counter top and face her. "Let's get this over with," I almost growl.

"I am with Sara. She's a part of my life, an important part of my life. And if you can't get that then consider yourself as a short one sister. You don't have to be happy about it, but that's the way things are, so accept it, because I'm not about to stop my relationship with her just to make you feel better," Nancy says.

I think now is a good time to let my anger pour. I know I was pissed with Sara, but that's nothing compared to Nancy. She's the one responsible for all this mess after all.

"Accepting it? You're fucking with my job Nancy! Did you ever stop and think about that?! How could you do such a thing to me? You knew perfectly well who Sara was and yet you went on and put us in this mess!!"

"I put us in this mess?!" she asks with disbelief before chuckling. "Now that's rich!" she snorts standing up and leaning on the island on the other side of the kitchen. "Fine, I'll admit I lied, but I'm not the one who made a mess of all this. You've been acting like an irritable five year-old for the last three months. Listen to you! It's all about you, uh? News flash: the world doesn't revolve around you! Did you ever stop and ask yourself why I lied?"

She looks at me waiting for an answer. I hate to admit it, but I never bothered to analyze the situation from another point of view. Nancy shakes her head, "You've never realized what it was like to be your little sister. Neither did Jude for that matter. Every mistake you made with someone was mine to pay. It was always harder for me to earn people's trust because you or Jude had left a wrong impression, or done something bad. That's the way things are and I've come to terms with that. And lucky me, we grew up. I met Sara and I knew when I heard her speak for the first time that I wanted to know her. Tough luck, you had ruined this for me yet again. So I lied, I did everything I could for her not to find out that you were my sister. Because I didn't want to be punished because of you—yet again," she confesses.

"Nice story really," I say applauding slowly. "So it's a payback? You're making me pay for the fact that it was hard for you to be the baby of the family?"

"I've never resented you for anything!" she protests.

"Then why are you doing this to me?! Sara is my co-worker! Do you realize that?!"

"I don't see where the problem is," she replies.

"She's my co-worker for goodness sake!"

"Mark and Kevin were my co-workers. I don't remember you bothering to ask me f I was okay with it. As a matter of fact, I don't remember you asking me my opinion of anyone you dated. So why should I?"

"You can't date Sara, period!" I order her.

She opens her mouth to say something. I can feel her anger from where I stand. She closes her eyes and takes deep calming breaths. My sister has never been one to lose her temper. She'll always opt for staying calm over losing it. A stroke of character we don't have in common. I'll lose it before remotely thinking about calming myself. I'm a ticking bomb and she's the picture of calm. Now get her really pissed and even I am not that much of a fury in my worse day.

"You knew what it meant for me to finally have a relationship with Sara and you screwed things up for me! So, no! I don't want you to date her!" I keep shouting.

"So, what? I should put my life on hold to please you?" she asks me.

"You should think about what you've been putting me through and think about how this is affecting me!" Okay, now I'm being petulant.

"I miss my sister. I miss our relationship. I miss our secrets and our moments together. But I don't know who the bloody hell you are," she states. "I've always been there for you, never judging any choices you made, never letting you down, always giving you the love, the support and everything you needed. Never once have I asked you to put your life on hold for me. Why should I do that?"

She sighs and starts pacing for a while. "I made a mistake. I'm the one who lied. I won't apologize for that. And if you could see things the way I see them, maybe you'd understand. I'm tired of this situation. I'm not about to fight you until the end of time. So you can keep on acting like a little, capricious girl all you want, if that makes you feel better. I just want you to know that until you accept my relationship with Sara, she's the one I'm choosing over you from now on. So the ball's in your court," she says before turning to the door.

I look at her not really knowing what to think or say. She turns back to me one more time, "You know, all I expect from you is to see that Sara makes me happy; she makes Jeremy and Allan happy. I expect you to be happy for me because I've found someone I love and who loves me back. But maybe that's too much to ask," she adds with a pain filled voice, and then she leaves.

xxxxx

Nancy's words have been on my mind for the last three days. I've been thinking a lot and tried to see the things from her point of view. I'm still pissed about the choice she made, but I think I'm getting her point. And having time to think also gave me time to realize that I was the only one to blame for those last three months. Sure Nancy lied, but I didn't even make the effort to be an adult about the whole thing.

I haven't seen Sara since the morning of our fight. I guess she has taken some time off. I was resolved to apologize to her for our last fall out. Even if she wouldn't have listened to me, I know I would have tried. The worse thing in all this is that I've thrown my friendship with Sara out the window. That's probably the most hurtful thing at the moment. And I know it will be hell to even get more than civility from her. I really screwed up big time.

Never doubt, never look back. That's my motto. I can't change what I've done, but I can move on and try to fix things.

xxxxx

Nancy opens her door after a moment. She has a blank expression when she sees me. "She hasn't finished her homework yet," she says before returning to the kitchen, leaving the door open. Silently she leaves me the choice of either coming in or going back to wait in my car. We haven't spoken in a week.

There's something she said about missing her sister…

I do miss my sister. I do miss our chemistry and the teasing and the laughter. Everything. I can't properly function without this relationship. I need my sister in my life, even if those last three months I seemed to have forgotten about that fact.

I take a deep breath and step in silently, closing the door behind me. Nancy has her back to me so I stand near the island and wait. When she doesn't turn after a minute I speak. "You…uh…never told me how you two met," I say casually. As if I was picking up where we had left off, that is when it was still about Mr. Nobody.

Nancy turns to me with a surprised expression. I guess she didn't expect me to come in. Once she gets over her shock, a smile creeps onto her lips. She chuckles nervously. She has heard my silent choice, coming back to her and accepting things the way they are. She pours me a mug of coffee and hands it to me. "At Meg's," she answers with a smile.

"Really?" I frown, curious to know how Sara ended up there.

"Actually, they knew each other from Harvard. They're old friends," Nancy says.

I've always admired my sister's ability to forgive. I've screwed up many times with her, yet never once she has rejected me afterwards. I'll always be grateful for that. "Don't leave me hanging and give me the details," I push her.

"Meg and her were having a debate about Baudelaire," she continues still grinning from ear to ear.

"Oh, Charles, someone after your heart," I joke. My sister has always been a sucker for that French poet.

"Yeah…" she sighs. "There was this big intellectual connection. Our minds clicked immediately," she explains to me. I can picture that scene, knowing Sara, my sister must have been under a hell of a spell in a matter of minutes. For Nancy, attraction is a notion which only begins with intelligence. Go figure, she's a nerd at heart.

"So how did you…" I start but don't get the time to finish when I hear Lindsey's voice down the hall.

"You should be a teacher. Seriously, when you explain something to me I understand everything, but whenever my teacher does it sounds like gibberish!" she exclaims with amusement.

I turn to see Sara ruffling her hair a bit and chuckling. "Honey, I've finished my homework can I have some milk?" she jokes happily. Her smile fades away though when she sees me.

I clear my throat and straighten up. "Hi," I breathe out.

She just stares at me, silent anger visible in her eyes. Lindsey comes to me and kisses me hello effectively breaking some tension. "Hi mom!" she says with a grin.

"Hi babe, how was your day?" I ask her with a smile.

"Good, thanks. Oh, I forgot a book. I'll be right back," Lindsey tells me before returning to the study room.

"There you go," Nancy says to Sara offering her a glass of milk. Sara relaxes immediately, all of her attention falls on Nancy. I will myself not to look and give them a moment of intimacy, but somehow m eyes are glued on them, not that they even realize it. They are caught in their own little world right now. Sara swallows her milk in one shot. Nancy giggles, earning a frown from Sara. "Come here," she says to Sara hooking her finger. Nancy kisses her sucking delicately on her upper lip then kissing her again. Then she pulls back sporting the same goofy smile as Sara's. "Milk moustache," she explains.

"Alright I'm ready," Lindsey announces, not caring about Nancy and Sara's closeness.

"Okay, let's go then," I answer distractedly. "Say good bye to your aunt and Sara."

Lindsey hugs Sara before turning to Nancy. Sara looks at me and I take that opportunity to speak to her again. "Thanks, for helping her…for her homework," I manage to say. She just nods in response. I don't suppose I can expect much from her right now. So I'll just be content with that.

"Bye everyone, see you later," Lindsey says before leaving for the car.

"Well… have nice evening, see you later," I say before escaping the house.

It was my first step in the right direction. I still have a lot to do but at least I've made a move.

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**Thanks for reading.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Hey folks! I back with a new chapter. I'm still in the middle of a lot of things so it takes me more time to update. But i really wish I had more time to write. Anyway, here's chapter 15...**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: thank you so very much **scubysnak **for wasting your time on me :)**

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**Chapter 15: Sara**

"You should be a teacher. Seriously, when you explain something to me I understand everything, but whenever my teacher does it sounds like gibberish!" Lindsey exclaims as we head to the living room. I love this kid; she's so much fun. Jeremy and Allan are as well for that matter. I just love this time of the day that I get to spend with them. I don't remember having such a blast while doing my homework when I was their age. Ever since I've been with Nancy, 'homework time' has been one of my favorite times.

I ruffle Lindsey's hair in response and she tries playfully to escape my hand, pretending to be upset about my gesture. I know I might be the only person she allows to do this, and I feel really privileged because of that. I don't believe I have a good rapport with kids, at least when I first meet them. But as soon as we find a common interest, everything else goes smoothly. I love spending time with the three monsters and I don't think I'm mistaken when I say that they like spending time with me. I guess I'm just a big kid after all. Maybe I'm trying to make up for the lost time, for what I didn't have the chance to have.

"Honey, I've finished my homework. Can I have some milk?" I joke as I'm still playing with Linds' hair. I feel my good mood disappearing instantly as my eyes fall on Catherine's figure – freaking fantastic. I don't think I've ever been so disappointed to see someone before. I look at her with a neutral expression.

She clears her throat, obviously a bit nervous at the sight of me. "Hi," she breathes out.

I keep staring at her not saying anything. My anger isn't far behind and I know that if I so much as open my mouth right now, nothing good will come out. "Hi mom!" Lindsey says going to Catherine hugging and kissing her hello.

"Hi babe, how was your day?" Catherine asks with a smile, genuinely happy to see her daughter.

"Good, thanks. Oh, I forgot a book. I'll be right back," Linds says before passing me again to go in the study room.

"There you go," Nancy's voice calls me. I can't help the smile returning on my lips as I look at my lover. I take the glass of milk she's offering me and drink it in one go. I'm a real milk junky. For me there's nothing better than a glass of cold milk after a long session of work. Nancy giggles once I put my glass down. I frown not understanding her reaction. "Come here," she says motioning me to come closer with her finger. And there she kisses me, sucking my upper lip delicately. I'm in heaven. I kiss her back enjoying this intimate moment. I know that when she pulls back I have an idiotic smile on my face, not that I care. "Milk moustache," she explains with sparkling eyes.

I'm so in love with this woman.

"Alright, I'm ready," I vaguely hear Linds' voice again.

"Okay, let's go then," Cath replies. "Say good bye to your aunt and Sara."

Linds hugs me before hugging Nancy. I look at Catherine again and she hesitates a second before talking to me again. "Thanks, for helping her…for her homework," I just nod in response. I can't seem to bring myself to talk to her.

"Bye everyone, see you later," Lindsey says before heading to Catherine's car.

"Well… have nice evening, see you later," Catherine says hastily before following Linds.

I keep on looking at the door after her departure. "She's making an effort," Nancy's soft voice tells me.

"I know," I reply flatly. I smile at her weakly and kiss her. "Do you need help with anything?" I ask effectively changing subject. Discussing Catherine is not something I want to do right now. I'm still way too pissed for that. Thankfully, Nancy doesn't push the issue.

"No, I'm good thank you," she answers.

"Alright I'm reading with the boys then. Oh and don't forget we're eating outside tonight," I say before heading to the study room again.

xxxxx

I'm on the backyard porch reading. Well, I was trying to read but mostly I've been thinking. My first week of suspension is almost over and I've been thinking a lot. That's the second time I've been suspended in my life. Both times it's because of some fight I've had with Catherine. I admit, I was out of line for the first one or at least that I should have been smart enough to have that particular conflict in the safety of her office or a lab, behind a closed door.

Now, I don't feel like I was out of line this time. If anything, she had it coming. And that's probably what pisses me off the most. I'm not proud of the words that left my mouth, but I think that compared to the ones she has thrown at me for the last three months, those were pretty soft. Now, don't get me wrong. I know what I did wasn't right and I probably deserve the blame Grissom gave me, but she's getting away with it yet again. Talk about luck.

I close my eyes and focus on the silence surrounding me.

The backyard door is opened and closed. Someone joins me on the porch. I don't bother to move or actually open my eyes to acknowledge the new person not far away from me. I assume it's Nancy since she has this habit of scrutinizing me silently most of the time.

But it takes me thirty more seconds to realize that something is wrong. This isn't Nancy, I'm positive about it. I know that scent because I've been around it almost every day for the last six years. Catherine. She's the one standing next to me. I must have a lucky star somewhere that must be out of service. I don't open my eyes nor do I move. Maybe she'll leave soon – I highly doubt it, but hoping doesn't kill.

"I haven't seen you at work this week. I thought we should try to talk before you come back," Catherine's voice says. "I mean, I realize that you probably took the week off because of me and…"

I chuckle dryly. "I've been suspended for a month. Well, you know Grissom always has his people's back, so officially I'm taking a month out of my oh so many vacation days. But unofficially, I'm suspended," I say with a light tone. I open my eyes and look at her for the first time. She's surprised to say the least.

I sigh. "I appreciate your concern. But honestly, I'm still too pissed to listen to anything you have to say…"

"I know I made mistakes but…"

"That's really good Catherine, really good. You have realized that you made mistakes," I say with sarcasm.

"I'm trying to apologize here," she says firmly.

I laugh bitterly. "So what? I'm supposed to be calm and welcoming? You have some nerve! Did you really think it would be that easy? You thought that what? You'd come here say that you're sorry, that I would forgive you and pretend nothing happened? You're sorry, well I'll be damned if I give a damn about it right now. And I certainly won't pretend that everything is fine just to ease your guilty conscious," I get up and start to pace. I feel so angry I want to punch something. "You know what? I don't want to see nor hear you. I don't have it in me to be merciful or try to make an effort for you right now. I'm way too pissed to have any conversation whatsoever with you. So you're going to leave me alone and maybe when I'm calm, I'll consider fixing things between us. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to enjoy my last two weeks of suspension in peace," I say harshly, I don't give her a second glance before storming inside leaving her behind me.

xxxxx

It's been three hours since I've talked to Catherine. If I was bothered by things before, I'm plain fuming right now. This little encounter has left me burning with rage. I'm not a resentful person. But I know myself well enough to know that in the state I'm in right now I'd do nothing but hurt Catherine. I'm not like that. So I'm going to wait, wait for the fire of my rage to be nothing but a pile of ashes.

I'm on the backyard porch again looking at the boys racing with their model cars. Nancy sits next to me and I can feel her gentle gaze on me. I don't turn to look at her though.

After the way I left Catherine she probably understood on her own that things didn't go well. She didn't try to talk to me or soothe me afterward. She gave me time to deal with things on my own and think. I'm grateful for that. One of the things that amazes me is the fact that Nancy always seems to know what I need. Be it space, time on my own, comfort, someone to make me laugh or a shoulder to cry on or anything. She always knows what I need and want without me having to tell her. The more amazing is that it works both ways. We really complete each other.

"It's hard for her to admit that she's wrong. It's hard for her to come to you and offer an apology," she says looking at the boys as well.

I let her words sink in. I know out of experience that it takes a lot for Catherine to make amends for anything. I mean, after all, she never apologized for any of her remarks for the last six years. Never once did she come to me with an apology even when her words were uncalled for. So yes, I think I can say I realize the big effort she made to come to me today.

"I know," I barely answer.

"But?" she asks gently.

I sigh heavily. I don't hide from Nancy. That's one thing I like about our relationship. I talk to her freely and the thing is that I want her to know everything about me. I never felt that way before with anyone. With Nance, I'm not guarded. I'm like an open book. And the best thing about all this is that I like it.

"What she did is still hurting me," I confess. "Her words, her attitude…everything that happened the last three months is still hurting me badly."

"I know," she states. She's been there for me. She has seen me literally worn out physically and emotionally with this situation. "I forgave her," she says. "I'm not saying that I forgot what happened, but I forgave her."

I sigh again and shake my head. I know what she means, but I think it's different. "She's your sister. No matter what happens, she'll always be your sister and you'll need her in your life. I mean you two have a strong relationship. So far, she and I have been like strangers. Every time I thought we could be more, it always blew up in my face. I'm tired of giving her my other cheek only to get slapped. And I don't know if I'm up for another round," I try to explain.

She stays silent and thinks about what I just said. I can see her nodding her understanding from the corner of my eyes. We share a long silence, and then she takes a deep breath. "You forgave me. I lied to you for six months, yet you forgave me," she says with a soft voice.

"It's not the same," I protest.

"You were friends this time, right?"

"Yeah, but if that friendship had meant anything to her, she wouldn't have treated me like that."

"She's having a hard time dealing with her emotions."

"That's no excuse," I reply firmly. Call me stubborn if you want but this is a pill I won't swallow.

"Why do you think it didn't work between the two of you before?"

"Because… I was reaching out for her at first and then I give up. Then when she reached for me, I gave in only to be pushed away. But this time I thought it was different," I snort sadly.

"Why?"

"Because we had decided to make a fresh start and it was working," I say.

"What happened?"

"You know what happened," I reply flatly.

"My point exactly. Maybe before you two weren't ready to be friends. And this time was the right time only I made a mistake and your friendship was sadly the price to pay. I'm the one to blame here. I'm not saying what she did was right, but…" she sighs. "It's a waste of time to be bitter and not move on. What has been done can't be undone, but we can try to make things right," I turn to look at her. I know that somewhere she's right.

"What if it doesn't work again? I don't know if I want to be disappointed again. I don't like being hurt and I know that as far as Catherine and I are concerned, it always mean a lot of hurt."

"To fight without loss, you win without glory," she says pensively. "Nothing that is worth it is ever easy," she says before kissing me gently. She gets up and calls for the boys, "Dinner's ready!"

"Coming, Mom!" they answer in unison.

She looks at me, clearly asking me to come without speaking. "I'll be there in ten minutes," I say. She nods her head and goes inside, followed by the boys.

I give some thought to our conversation. The simple truth is that I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm too unstable emotionally when it comes to Catherine to take a decision.

xxxxx

Today is my last day of suspension. I can't wait to go back to work. I was on the verge of going crazy. I did enjoy the fact that for once my life had some semblance of normalcy. I could spend quality time with my new family at regular hours. I admit that this time wasn't that bad since I wasn't alone, but still I love my job and having to stay home was the worst kind of torture at some point.

I did a lot of thinking as well and I'm ready to face Catherine. For the last two weeks, she came around Nancy's place a little more frequently. They had three months to catch up on. Whenever Catherine was around, I would play with Linds, Allan and Jeremy. I would say 'hello' and 'goodbye' to her, but that was about it. In return, she left me alone and let me take my time to think and cool off. For the first time in many months, we've reached a common ground.

I'm happy. I am. Things are good in my life – at the exception of some detail, but the fact is that I'm happy. Nancy and I celebrated our six month anniversary. I feel like a member of the family, and this relationship is excellent. But something's missing. Something I was on my way to have until fate decided to intervene.

I lift my hand and knock on the door in front of me. Ten seconds later, the door is opened. "Sara?" Catherine says surprised.

"Hi. Is it a bad time?" I say with an even voice.

"No, not at all," she answers once she's over her shock. She lets me in and I stand next to the door not moving. The funny thing is that I've been here enough times to know my way around. But with everything that has happened, I don't feel as welcome as I used to.

"Do you want some coffee?"

"Sure," I nod.

Catherine goes to the kitchen and motions me to follow her; I do. She leans on the countertop while I stay by the island. Neither of us talk for two long minutes. I finally decide to speak. "I'm going back to work tomorrow. We obviously have things to sort out. I'm wiling to listen and talk and if you are. I think now would be a good time to have a talk," I announce.

"I agree," she simply says.

"I didn't know that Nancy was your sister. I found out the day you came to my apartment. On some level I can understand your anger. I want you to know that I never played with Nancy. I love her and my intention towards her are nothing but good. I just don't get why you didn't come to me to talk. It would have been so easy," I state.

"I was pissed and every time I tried to calm down, all I could think about was the fact that you betrayed me…"

"I didn't know!" I repeat.

"I know. I couldn't help feeling that way. And then you were ignoring me and waiting for me to calm down when all I needed was a good argument with you," she tries to explain.

"Do you even realize what you put me through for the last three months?" I ask her honestly.

"I do. I'm sorry about it. And I know that no matter what I say, it won't change anything, but I'm truly sorry Sara," she replied.

"I forgave Nancy and I want to forgive you. But it's not that simple. I can't pretend that nothing happened. And as much as I want to be your friend again, I don't know that I'll ever be able to trust you the way I used to. I'm not making any promises. We're going to take things slowly and we'll see. But this is the last time I'm trying. If you blow it or if you're not sure that my friendship is what you want, then I'm done. I'm too tired to keep on with this game of pushing-pulling that we've mastered. I'm not a yo-yo and the next time you push me away will be the last," I say firmly.

She nods her understanding of my words. "I want our friendship back," she answers.

I nod. A long silence settles between us. "Alright. I've got to go. I'll see you tomorrow," I announce before turning my back to leave her.

Here we go again, I guess. Let's hope this ride to friendship city will be the good one.

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	16. Chapter 16

**Ok ok I'm back...please don't harm me...I'm sorry for the delay. I'm still in the middle of my exams and all. But I have a good new I've taken back my good old pace and chap 17 is only paragraphs away from being ready for beta and ideas for chap 18 are already overflowing my brain...anyway... thanks for your reviews you are sweet!**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps:** scuby** I'll never thank you enough for all you do for me, you're 'my precious'...beta...lol...thank you very much for everything. ;)**

madalyn**, please don't hate me...I came back for you ;)**

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**Chapter 16: Catherine**

Sara just came and we…sorted things out I guess. Actually, we talked for the first time in three months. So if things still need to be fixed, at the very least we've taken a step in the right direction.

I knew I had screwed up big time. But I didn't realize how much until two weeks ago. I went to Nancy's and decided to swallow my pride in order to apologize to Sara. It didn't go well to say the least. Sara was pissed – and saying that is an understatement. She didn't really give me a chance to speak. She basically lashed out at me, not that I can blame her. It made me angry, but I held myself thinking that I had done enough damages at it was.

That's when she dropped the bomb. She'd been suspended for a month because of me. Admitting her words weren't appropriate, I also have to reckon that my behavior and words to her were way out of line for the last three months. Only I've been lucky enough to have dodged the bullet so to speak. Sara wasn't that lucky.

Come to think of it, Sara wasn't lucky either time. First Ecklie caught her and now Grissom. When I saw Grissom go after her I thought that he would lecture her and that's it. He actually suspended her. I'm surprised she didn't give me an earful about it. I know that had the roles been reversed I would have been on her back as soon as the punishment was handed down. But then again, Sara isn't me. She's actually a better person than I am when it comes to those things.

I really feel like shit now. I think that I'm only beginning to realize the consequences of my behavior. And right at this moment it just hit me that I might have jeopardized my chance to be Sara's friend. Until this moment that thought never really occurred to me. My meeting with Sara today was the wake up call though. And I have to admit that it hurts much more than I had expected. Having Sara as a friend was such a good thing because even if it doesn't seem like it, we have much more in common than one might think.

Damn me for being unable to deal with powerful emotions like any normal person. Damn me for being so proud. She said that she didn't know if we'd be friends again. Actually she just talked about trusting me again, but the friends you don't trust can't be your friends, right?

Now what?

I've made a very nasty bed for myself and I'd give anything not to lie on it.

xxxxx

Tonight I arrived earlier than usual at work. At this time Sara should be in already working on something. To my surprise everyone comes in but her. Actually, she's the last to arrive and she seems relaxed and happy. When I think about it, since she's been with Nancy she's been the last in and the first out. Rare were the times she stayed longer. She did her job and then she would leave and actually be happy about it. I watch her from afar and the first thought coming to me is that she hasn't been so relaxed in a long time.

I have taken away more things than I thought. It's strange really. Now that I'm mature about the whole situation, I have a clearer view on what I've messed up.

Sara is chatting with the boys and I decide that now is the right time for us to share the 'coffee of peace'. I get up from the couch and pour two cups of coffee.

I go to the table joining everyone. Warrick and Sara are talking while Nick and Greg are laughing about one thing or another. I put one of the cups in front of Sara. "There you go, black one sugar," I say gently with a welcoming smile. She looks at me, but doesn't show any emotion.

"Thanks," she says. Her lips move but don't get quite close to form a smile.

"How are you?" I ask with a smile.

"I'm fine thanks," she says flatly with a little nod. There's a second of silence. Obviously she's not in the mood to talk…or at least to me because she was smiling and talking with Warrick two minutes ago. But I know I deserve that. "You?" she asks with little interest.

"I'm good," I answer with a forced smile trying to cover the hurt. "Okay. Well, I'm in my office if Grissom hands out assignments," I say before making my exit.

Saying Sara was cold to me would be an understatement. When we had a disagreement in the past she would be short while speaking to me, but she would be angry. There she showed nothing but indifference and for me there's nothing more hurtful than indifference because ultimately it means that you don't care at all. At least when she was angry with me, I still felt like alive in her eyes. Right now, I'm nothing. That hurts

xxxxx

Days go by but look the same. Sometimes I feel like there was some progress between Sara and I, but we're far from being friends. She actually says 'hi' to me whenever we cross paths and Grissom hasn't assigned us to work together once since she came back three weeks ago. I'm agonizing. I miss my friend, I miss what we had, I miss our chemistry when we worked together. I miss everything we had which wasn't much, but was really precious. I wish I knew how to build a time machine so I could back and change things.

xxxxx

"Knock, knock," a voice says playfully.

"Nancy?" I exclaim in surprise at seeing her in my office. "Is something wrong?" I ask out of concern. Nancy seldom comes to the lab, and generally if she's here, something is wrong the children.

"Oh, no don't worry," she chuckles. "I just came to surprise Sara and I thought I'd come to you first to say hi," she says with a smile. I have to admit that her relationship with Sara has changed her, in a good way I mean. She's radiating with happiness, she laughs more, and she's always in a good a mood.

"She out in the field with Warrick, or at least that's where she was last time I checked," no I'm not spying Sara but since we're having a 'non relationship whatsoever' at the moment, the only way for me to have news about her is to get second-hand information.

"How are you?" she asks.

"I'm fine, a bit tired with all the work but fine, thank you," I answer with a smile. Though we have sorted things out, Nancy and I don't spend as much time together as we used to. For some reason, I feel like an intruder.

We've been talking a while when I see the figure of Sara in the hall walking from lab to lab to analyze her evidence. She looks in the direction of my office and does a double take before a bright smile appears on her face she has recognize Nancy's back. Nancy follows my line of vision and turns around.

Sara makes long strides to join Nancy. She stops just in front of her suddenly remembering that she's at work. You can see on her face that she wants to kiss my sister. She chuckles and kisses Nancy's cheek before taking her in an intimate hug. Only those who are truly observant will see that it's more than a friendly embrace.

Sara finally pulls back but stays close "What a surprise!" she says. She has an expression she rarely sports while at work, an expression of pure joy. She has her honest to goodness smile on. For a second, the thought that I wish I was the one to put that smile on her face crosses my mind.

"Are you done or do you have to stay longer?" Nancy asks.

"Nope, I'm all yours. Just let me grab my stuff in the locker room," Sara says discreetly squeezing Nancy's hand. It's unbelievable how their feelings for one another are oozing from them. I don't think I had realized how much they loved each other until this very moment. I don't know why, but this newfound knowledge makes my heart tighten.

"Hey Nancy! It's been a while," Warrick's smoky voice says before hugging my sister.

"Indeed," Nancy chuckles. "You should come around sometime. The boys would be glad to see you."

"I will."

"Okay, I'm going to the locker room. I'll be back in a flash," Sara announces before kissing Nancy's cheek again. "Bye Cath, see you tonight," she says glancing at me for a mere second. She ignores me so much most of the time that I forget that I exist. But I won't complain because those five words are the best I've had in three weeks.

Ten minutes later, Warrick comes in my office as we watch the two lovebirds making their exit.

"So what's up?" Warrick asks me as he half sits on one corner of my desk.

"Same old same old," I say flatly.

"They're good for one another," he states out of the blue.

"I know…it's just…" I sigh not finding my words. "It's just like when you two were dating or whatever," I say referring to the affair he had with Sara. He looks at me with round eyes. Apparently he thought his little secret was safe. "Just because I didn't say anything doesn't mean I'm blind."

"You knew all the time?"

"What do you think?" I answer with another question. "What hurt me the most is that you didn't have the guts to tell me," I confess. "I mean, I know she and I weren't on the best terms at the time, but I would have made an effort."

"We didn't want to tell anybody," Warrick says.

"Well that's whole point Rick. I thought I wasn't anybody. You've been my confident for years and I thought you trusted me enough to talk to me about your relationship with Sara if you cared about her."

"I've been an ass on this one, haven't I?"

"It doesn't matter now," I say with a smile letting him know that we are okay as far as this matter is concerned. With a sigh I continue, "I felt left behind when you were with Sara. I feel the same now that she's with Nancy. I used to confide in both of them. I barely speak to Sara and I can't really go to Nancy and talk to her about the issues I have with her girlfriend. I'm all alone in my misery," I state sadly.

"I thought you had sorted things out."

"We have. I talked to Nancy and then to Sara and we've discussed the issue. But now I feel like I lost a friend and my only sister. I just don't fit anywhere in their world now," I try to explain.

"Maybe if you tried a little harder, you'd see that you still have a place in their world," Warrick says pensively.

"I am trying!" I protest.

"Really?"

"What the hell do you want me to do?!" I say harshly.

"Cath, it's not like you to sit there and brood in your corner. You screwed up. Big freaking deal. We all do once in a while. Never doubt, never look back. Ring a bell?" he looks at me knowing that he has touched a nerve. "Move on and go make your amends. Show them that you are a better sister and friend than you used to be," he sighs and gets up. "I'm hungry. Want to share a breakfast with me?" he asks.

I just get up and grab my purse before following him outside. I know that the subject is closed now that he has given me enough to think about. He's right. It was up to me to make things change from the beginning.

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	17. Chapter 17

**I am so not to blame this time for the delay...I sent the chap to beta and let's just say it had a hard time finding its way back from scuby to me...Anyway, chap 18 is really not far away and I'm already on 19...and I'm finishing my exam -two to go... thanks for the reviews!**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: **scuby, **you're my favorite beta...that's easy since you're the only one...thank you for everything...even if you're a slacker:p (you know I adore you...come on don't pout ;)...I still need you for my next chap :p )**

allgood2**, well I'm in a good mood so I don't really plan on killing anyone...now we never know, if **Immi **dares me I could very well kill somebody...(just teasing, **Immi** :p)**

Dawny1**, you should condsider opening a club with **FloatingInMoon** for those who don't like Nancy and Sara together :p, welcome on board ;)**

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**Chapter 17: Sara**

The rays of the morning sun are bathing Nancy's back in a halo. I like those moments when we get to spend the entire night together. I like waking up before she does and watching her sleeping. I always feel a new wave of love travelling through my body every time I do so.

I'm more in love with her as days go. A little more than three weeks ago, we celebrated our six month anniversary. It was perfect. We had a day with the boys, then a romantic picnic near the lake and then we had the entire night to ourselves as Lily was kind enough to take the boys with her. I gave Nancy a white gold necklace with a pendant in the shape of a Luckenbooth. The two hearts are delicately entwined and topped by a crown and all of it contained in a thick flat ring. Four tiny amethysts are encrusted in the ring. She gave me a ring with Celtic pattern on it and words of her own engraved inside. We had a perfect anniversary.

When I think about my relationship with Nancy, I'm amazed and grateful that she decided to give us a chance. She makes me happy, this relationship makes me happy. And the funny thing when you're happy is that there's nothing to bring you down. You feel like nothing could stop you, you can face everything life throws your way. Nancy gave me balance and strength, but above all, love. True, honest and strong love. Now, every day I try to show her that I'm worthy of this love and to give her that love back tenfold.

I lift myself up a little resting on my elbow. I can't help wanting to touch Nancy, so I caress her back gently. I bend a little so I can deliver kisses between her shoulder blades. She stirs a little and I smile. I keep on raining kisses on her back as she wakes up slowly. She then turns around to lie on her back. I kiss her.

"Hmm…I love waking up with you," she says with a voice thick with sleep. I kiss her again more deeply this time.

"Good to hear," I reply.

"What time is it?"

"Three hours before we have to go pick up the boys at Lily's," I answer.

"That long?" she asks with a playful gaze. I bend down to kiss her stomach. I just can't ever get enough of her. I hum in response. "I wonder what we could do to pass the time," she says playfully. I move my body on top of hers still kissing and exploring her body with my hands.

"We should figure something out," I answer before kissing her, smiling at the very pleasant morning ahead of us.

I'm very in love and very happy.

xxxxx

Work is a quiet affair now. I can't say it's back to normal, but at least it's not the hell it was those three months. There's a new routine going on. One I don't particularly like, but one that is calm. I come to work, I do what I have to, spend some time with the boys, I say 'hi' to Catherine, do some paperwork, I say 'goodbye' to Catherine and go home. You see, if things were back to normal, Greg would be talking nonstop about games, girls, and new technology; Warrick and Nick would make a new bet about something stupid; Catherine and I would animatedly discuss one theory or another and Grissom would….well, be Grissom.

Two words a day, that's all the conversation I have with Catherine. No wait, it sounds bad. Actually, she tries to reach for me. She tries to talk when we are together – which doesn't happen often. And except for an occasional smile, I can't seem to be able to express myself with words. I guess that somehow, even if my anger has been tamed, I'm still not over the hurt. I don't know how to make the first move to go in the right direction.

My relationship with Catherine has always been complicated, but now it seems like a tangle of tight knots. Or better yet, it's like standing in the middle of a mine field. So you have two options, stay right where you are and stay safe or you chance moving, conscious that there's a chance for everything to blow up your face. So far, I've opted for option one, but I'm not satisfied with that. I want things to change. I really do but…well, it won't be the first time that something blows up in my face. And I'm kind of sick of that. On the other hand, I can't stand where we are now so maybe it's time for me to risk it.

"Sara, I want you in my office," Grissom says as he comes in the break room to refill his mug. I get up from the couch and throw the magazine I was reading on the table. I wait five minutes since he usually makes a round of all the labs to see how the works is going and if any new results are back or any help is needed.

My timing is perfect as he is just entering in his office when I arrive there. He closes the door behind me and goes around his desk and sits. "There's been a triple homicide near Henderson," he states. I wait patiently for the other shoe to drop. I don't see how a triple homicide would bring me into Grissom's office without a particular reason. "I need you to go there," he adds. I frown still not seeing how that justifies my presence in his office. "I'm pairing you up with Catherine," he finally says. Ah, there we are.

Since I got back, he hasn't given Cath and I a common assignment. I guess he was anxious about what could happen. "I want to be sure that I make my point clear once and for all. I don't want any incidents of any sort. My position on the matter hasn't changed and if I were to hear that you or Catherine behave inappropriately towards one another, I'll make good on my promise. Now I need to know. Can you work with Catherine or is it too much of a risk to take?"

"Catherine and I are both professionals. We can work together under any circumstances. We sorted out our issues, so there won't be any problems," I answer.

Grissom scrutinizes me for a moment. "Good. Here's your assignment. Go find Catherine and rock on kid," he winks at me before focusing the papers on his desk. I chuckle and shake my head before exiting his office.

I find myself a bit nervous at the thought of Catherine and I spending the shift together. It's been so long since we've had a normal time together, without her talking down to me or with me actually talking to her. Remember the mine field I was talking about earlier? Well, it seems like I'm about to take my first steps into it even though I don't feel ready for it.

I find Catherine in the break room pouring herself some coffee. "Hey there," I say gently with a smile. She turns around and gives me a shy smile.

"Hey," she answers with a little voice.

"You and I are working together tonight," I announce. There's a flash of panic in her eyes, but it's quickly replaced by calm again. "I'll wait for you next to the car," I tell her before heading to the locker room to pick up my vest, gun and jacket.

I'm leaning against the car when she comes out of the building. "You want to drive?" I ask. She looks at me with narrowed eyes.

"Okay, who are you and what have you done of Sara Sidle?" she jokes shyly.

"Oh, really funny," I reply shaking my head.

"You drive there and I'll drive back," she proposes.

"Deal," I say smiling.

We get in the car and I wait for her to fasten her seatbelt before starting the car.

I thought it would be more difficult for me to be at ease around her again. But to my surprise, it's not. I missed this, and I guess I was dying for things to be normal again. Sure, it's not like we've said a lot so far, but it's still more than we did in a long time. And not only am I at ease, but I'm eager to pick up things where we left them off. Not that I will forget about what happened, but I'm just willing to move on.

xxxxx

I barge into the locker room pissed off as hell. Catherine's footsteps are close behind. I know what's coming and that probably pisses me off more than the actual situation. We both stand in front of our lockers, silently boiling. Whoever was in there before we stormed in, silently made their way out after sensing the tension between us.

"Do you even realize how stupid you were?" Catherine finally asks harshly slamming her locker door violently. Her tone is controlled and even though she's trying not to shout, I can feel her burning anger.

"I'm sorry, I didn't get that but maybe if you repeat it for the twentieth time I'll understand," I reply still looking at the inside of my locker.

"Going after this guy while he was armed and not asking for help until you're too far for anyone to reach you in time in case things go wrong was stupid Sara!"

"Well I'm sorry for doing my job!" I say between my teeth.

"That was taking stupid risks! Damn it, do you even realize that you could have gotten out of there with more than just gashes, bruises and cuts?!" she shouts in frustration.

"This guy might be responsible for the murders. I wasn't about to let him go!"

"You could have been killed!!"

I slammed my locker with such force that it startles her. "For goodness' sake, I'm fine! Get over it! I…you know what? I don't want to talk to you right now," I state angrily before leaving the locker room.

I walk in to the most secluded lab I can find and try to cool off. As you've probably figured out, our first crimes scene together didn't go smoothly. We were processing the scene and just when I was about to finish the perimeter I saw someone suspicious around the house and my instinct was correct because as I got closer to him, I saw blood all over his clothes. I shouted that the suspect was still on location and started to chase him. I radioed for more help five blocks away and kept running. When I finally caught the guy, we fought and since he had a knife he attacked me with it. The backup caught up with us and cuffed him. I came out of the fight bruised and bleeding, but everything was superficial.

Catherine gave me an earful about how stupid what I did was. We finished processing of our scene once the paramedics patched me up. The drive back was tense to say the least. And, well, she gave me another earful a moment ago. God knows I didn't miss this.

xxxxx

I knock on Catherine's office door. Her blinds are down, a silent sign for every outsider that she must not be disturbed for any reason. "Come in," she says in a tone that says 'I'm pissed so this better be good or else'. I go in and wait for her to look at me. She's about to snap, probably about my silence, but when she sees that it's me, her words die on her lips.

"I'm sorry about earlier. I had time to cool off and really think about what I did. You were right. I was stupid and I got very lucky," I say calmly. It's true, once I wasn't pumped up with adrenaline and had put some distance between myself and what happened, I realized that it could have been much worse; that I was being childish and immature about the whole thing. She had good reasons to be mad and worried.

She looks at me silently, not sure what to say. "You scared the hell out of me Sara. Next time, try harder to ask for back up," she says with concern.

"I'll use my head next time," I chuckle.

"How are you?" she asks.

"Not too bad," I answer. Silence settles between us again. Neither of us is sure about what to do now. I sigh, "It's almost the end of the shift and since you have to pick Lindsey from Nancy's, I thought we could have a breakfast there with Nance and the monsters," I suggest.

She nods with a little smile "I like this idea."

Since Nancy dropped me off at work today, we drive to her place in Cath's car. The ride is silent, but not uncomfortable or anything. As we near the house, I realize that tonight I jeopardized a lot more than my life: my family. Cath stops the car in the driveway. I stare at the house not feeling ready to leave the safety of the car.

I am now very aware of my swollen jaw and temple, of my fresh bruises and cuts. "She's going to freak a bit, but it'll be okay," Catherine's soft voice echos in the car. It's like she read my mind. "Do you want me to tell her?"

I turn to her and she has a soft expression of understanding. "Thanks, but I think it's better if I do it myself. I just realized that my _brilliant_ idea could have cost me way much more than I thought," I confess. I take a deep breath and get out of the car.

Once at the main door I take my key and open it. I let Cath in ahead of me. "Hello sister," she announces her presence to Nancy walking toward the kitchen. I come in and close the door watching them greet each other. Nancy's face lights up when she sees Cath and they hug each other.

"She's staying for breakfast," I say.

Nancy lets go of Cath and comes to me. She's smiling brightly. As she's coming closer she takes notice of my state and her smile quickly fades away and is replaced with concern and worry. "Oh my god, what happened? Are you alright?" she asks. She turns to Catherine asking for an explanation.

"I'm, uh…going to see if the kids need some help getting ready," Catherine says before disappearing down the hallway.

Nancy turns to me again "The suspect was on the scene; I chased him, we fought and well, I got a little hurt, but it's nothing really. It looks worse than it really is," I say not going into the details.

"Aren't there supposed to be officers with you to avoid this kind of situation? Where were they? Did they leave you alone at the scene?"

"They were on the scene…I, uh, didn't call for back up until late," I confess. She looks at me blankly processing my words. Anger appears on her features.

Nancy and Cath are like night and day. Cath is feisty in her temper while Nancy is calm. But they do have the same blood running in their veins and whenever they are angry they are both bad company.

"You willingly put yourself in danger? Is that what you're saying?" she asks firmly. I don't answer but my silence speaks volumes. "Are you completely stupid?" she echoes Catherine's earlier words. "You think your line of work isn't risky enough? What the hell were you thinking?" she says, even though she's angry her voice stays controlled and even. "I can't believe you!" she turns around and goes to the kitchen sink.

I go to her and put my hands on her shoulders. She jerks away "Don't!" she puts her hands over her face and brushes her tears away. "I need to know that when you go, you'll come back home at the end of the day. Can you understand that?" she asks.

"I was stupid…"

"Damn straight you were," she cuts me off. She looks at me. Her look is a mix of hurt anger and worry. She cups my face and pecks me on the lips. "We're not done, but we have to take care of the kids. I don't want them to be late. Set the table please," she says once again composed. But I know that the subject is far from being closed.

Breakfast goes smoothly. I had to answer the boys' question about why I had bruises and bandages, but except for that, we had a moment enjoyable meal. I love those moments when everyone is together. I didn't have a close-knit family. Sure, we spent a lot of time together, but it was nothing like those I have with Nancy. At last the picture is complete, especially since Catherine is here.

Once we're done eating, Catherine and I take the kids to school. Catherine rides me back to Nancy's before heading home herself. When she stops in the driveway, I wait a moment before speaking. "I'm glad we're moving on. The things I said still stand. We need to take things slow and I need to learn how to completely trust you again…but I'm glad we're moving on."

"Me too," she replies. "I missed you," she blurts out.

"So did I," I answer with a smile. "It was nice to have you around today."

"Thanks for inviting me."

"You're welcome," I sigh "I'll see you tonight then."

"Yeah," she smiles. I'm starting to exit the car when she speaks again "She's just shaken up. Give her time, it'll be alright," she doesn't have to elaborate we both know who's she's talking about.

"I know. Thanks."

"See you tonight," she nods.

I climb out of the car and head back into the house for the second time today. I'm exhausted. If I had to evaluate my day, I'd say that apart from my stupid decision, things are positively good. That's good news.

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**Thanks for reading.**


	18. Chapter 18

**Hey hey, look who's back with a new chap :). Thank you so much for your reviews! Ok scuby let me tell you something, I can't believe you are so full of sh.t...you send me back the chap _'days ago'_? Funny because in the real world it only made like 24h...well almost 48 now...and yes I held back on the chap 18 cause I wasn't sure I'd keep it that way. So not only you're slacking off but you're being petty about it...shame on you :p...Anyway here's the new chap people...**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: Thank you so much **scuby **even though you are blaming me for your laziness...lol :p...just kidding...and you're still the best. ;) (don't go pouting on me now...I adore you, you know that :p)**

JoJo**, I am a milk junky...I confess it and I'm proud about it! ;)**

kathy,** thanks for the pic that's actually cool to see what Nancy looks like ;)**

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**Chapter 18: Catherine**

What a night. It was full of surprise and emotion. Surprise because Sara and I actually talked – we even joked around with one another, which should say something. But it's well known, nothing is ever simple when she and I are involved. Tonight we had our first scene together in a month – courtesy of Grissom. We arrived at the scene and started to work. She was checking the perimeter and at some point I heard her scream that the suspect was still on location. One thing though, she only screamed when she was well involved in her chase of him. And when she finally radioed in to give her location, we were way behind. The result was that she got hurt and was lucky not to be stabbed to death.

So I lectured her about how stupid she was. As you can guess, the rest of the night was rather tense. I was scared, really scared. I thought that with time she would have learned her lesson about not being a daredevil, but obviously it won't get through her thick skull. She always finds a way to put herself in danger when she could easily avoid it.

I've always cared about Sara, not being on good terms with her never meant that I wished her any harm. I care for her and always have. Now I find myself caring for her even more because she's…well, family. It doesn't matter if I still have a hard time with that, she's my sister's partner. I know I'm not supposed to pamper her, but if I let anything happen to her, I would never forgive myself and neither would Nancy. I need to be able to look in my sister's eyes, something I couldn't do if I didn't try to protect Sara a little.

I've come to accept their relationship. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't mean that I'm comfortable with it, but at least I'm not blinded with anger anymore not to see that they are good for one another. What bothers me is the fact that now I'm trapped. I feel like I can't draw the line between work and my private life anymore. Everything is all mixed up now. I don't see any other reason for me having a hard time to swallow the pill otherwise.

Sara apologized. I think that once she was actually able to think through her adrenaline haze, she understood my point. After that we went to Nancy's – her new home, to have breakfast with the kids and Nancy. I don't think that until the moment we were in Nancy's driveway she truly realized the potential consequence her actions could have had. I guess that she's still not used to the fact that now she has a woman and two boys waiting for her home. I don't know if it's temporary or made to last, but the fact is that right at this moment, this is the status quo. She has to come back home everyday and take care of them.

I think she and I took our first step in the right direction. Like she said, it's not that easy and there's still a lot to fix but it's still a good beginning. For the first time, I'm starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. There's hope for salvaging our friendship. Now, it's up to me to show her that I'm a good friend.

As I crawl into bed, I can't help the little smile on my lips. Things are starting to be good again.

xxxxx

Days go by and my relationship with Sara is just getting better and better. I have to say that I missed this. I missed our closeness and the happy mood. We seldom argue, whenever we have a disagreement we try to talk about calmly or just go away to cool off and then come back to the other. I'm not stupid. I know she's still holding back a bit, but I'm fairly happy with all I can get.

Until recently, I don't think I had truly realized how much I like to spend time with Sara. I'm addicted to her presence actually. I want to spend all of my free time with her. I don't think I've ever been so needy for her person before.

"Cath?" Sara calls me.

"Uh?" I shake myself out of my reverie. "Excuse me what did you say?"

"Gee, I didn't know I was that boring," she jokes feigning hurt.

I chuckle, "Sorry."

"It's okay. I think it's time to go home anyway," she says fishing in her pockets for money. We've been having breakfast and lunch together on daily basis now. This is our moment of the day and no one else's. I seldom invite the boys over. Not that I don't enjoy their company just that I need my daily fix of Sara. I don't know why, I just do.

"I was thinking about a dinner at my place with you, Nance, the boys, and I might in invite the rest of the team. It's been a while since we've had a get together," I tell her. Sara told our friends that she was dating Nancy to avoid their questions since she was coming by more often now.

I don't fight over the bill with her because we have a system to avoid arguing over it. Lunches are on me and breakfast on her one week and then we reverse it the following week.

"I like this idea. I'll talk about it with Nance. When do you want to…sorry" she says as her phone rings. She looks at the caller ID before speaking. "Well, speak of the devil," she chuckles. "Hey love," she says affectionately. I don't know why, but every time Nancy calls her, I feel sick in my stomach and frustrated. I'm telling myself that it's probably because she's trespassing on my time with Sara. But somewhere I know it's not the answer. I just can't put my finger on the right one though. "I miss you too babe…yeah we just finished our breakfast… sure…really?... awesome!... I'll be there in a few minutes ...ok…oh and babe?...I love you," she finishes her conversation with this sweet sickening smile and sporting the 'totally in love puppy eyes'.

I don't like when Sara is high with love for Nancy around me. It's like she is on a cloud floating somewhere and forgot all about me; her mind just stays stuck with Nancy and I'm here feeling like the third wheel.

We climb in my car so I can drive her 'home' – to Nancy's. "It's good to see you happy," I say out of the blue. Each word has a bitter taste in my mouth and there's an unidentified feeling burning my throat.

"It's good to be happy," she answers with a big goofy smile.

I drop her off at Nancy's twenty minutes later. She barely opens the door before Nancy's mouth connects with hers for a burning, passionate kiss. I witness the scene from the car and I can't help but feel queasy. I wave at Nancy when she finally lets go of Sara. I force a smile on my lips when all I really feel is pain. I wonder where that comes from.

When I finally go to bed I feel confused and…well empty. I wish I could put my finger on what's wrong with me lately.

xxxxx

What was originally supposed to be a simple dinner turns into a party. Everything is going perfectly well. Everyone is having a good time and I have to say that I love being the hostess. Greg, Nick and the kids are playing video games. Grissom, Sara, David and Archie are talking about I don't know what. Nancy, Warrick, Doc Robbins and some other lab techs are talking animatedly about movies. As for myself, I go from group to group ensuring that everyone is comfortable and not missing anything. I also make my way between the kitchen and the living room to keep the supply of drinks and food stocked.

I'm preparing another plate of food when Warrick comes in. "Do you need some help?"

"No, I'm fine, thank you," I reply with a warm smile.

"What are you doing Cath?" he suddenly asks.

"Preparing some munchies, I don't want anyone to starve in my house," I chuckle.

"With Sara, I mean," he elaborates.

I turn to him and frown. "What are you talking about?"

"You, flirting with Sara," he just says. I do a double take, not sure I heard him correctly.

"Excuse me?" I'm stunned by his statement.

"You've been flirting with her for the past two hours," he says calmly.

"No, I wasn't. Maybe you had too many beers, you're seeing things," I reply sharply, angry at his assumptions. I should know when I flirt with someone. I wasn't flirting with Sara…was I?

"Well, you could have fooled me there. Then maybe you should stop being overfriendly with her and so touchy when your sister – her girlfriend – is standing only meters away. But that's just my opinion," he advises me then take the plate of food back to the living room.

I spend the rest of the party acting like the perfect hostess, not changing anything until everyone has to go. Nancy and Sara stay behind to help me clean up. Nancy went to put the kids to bed while Sara and I were in the kitchen doing the dishes and chatting.

"This party was an excellent idea. I had a blast," Sara says before handing me another plate.

"Yeah, we should do this more often," I reply.

We're standing close to one another. Physical closeness is one of the things I enjoy the most because Sara has never been quite at ease with me when it comes to this. So now that she actually is, I enjoy it very much.

"In those moments I truly realize that we are like a family, and I like that. I think we're lucky because…" Sara doesn't get a chance to finish her thought as the plate she was handing me falls and crashes on the floor. "Damn it, I'm so sorry Cath!" she exclaims quietly.

"No, it's not you. It's me. I'm clumsy," I reply hastily. Her fingers brushed mine when she handed me the plate and I felt an electric shock travelling through my whole body.

We're kneeling down at the same time to pick up the mess, but as we're too close, our foreheads knock hard into one another. "Ouch!" we both groan simultaneously.

Sara giggles, "I'm sorry, you're alright?"

I'm holding my head the shock was actually painful. "Geez, what is your head made of? Steel?" I'm wincing a bit, but smiling nonetheless. Sara's hand cups my face, and she brushes her finger tips where a future bump will appear. The next second I feel her lips brushing delicately against my skin. I gasp at the sensation. My heart is pounding in my ribcage, like I'm panicking. What the hell is going on here?

"Here, kiss and make it better," she says softly. She has an affectionate expression full of concern. There's a sparkle of amusement in her eyes and her full gap-toothed smile is on. I think she just took my breath away, which isn't good because my brain is in desperate need of oxygen.

She turns her attention to the shards of glass on the floor and starts picking them up. I blink, shaking myself out of my thoughts and get up looking for the trash bin.

"Ow!" she snorts. "Talk about being clumsy today," she sighs. I turn around and see her holding her bleeding hand. "Great, I have shards in my hand now," she says flatly.

She gets up and I'm at her side instantly. "Let me take care of that," I say taking her hand in mine. We go over to the sink and I reach for the first aid kit under the counter and take out a pair of tweezers. I manage to take out the two big shards, but a tiny one is still stuck in her palm. I touch it and she jerks her hand away.

"Hey, take it easy!"

"Oh please! Don't be such a kid," I joke. I'll never understand how this woman can be a real daredevil when it comes to evidence and then be such a baby for a little domestic cut. "Hold still. And if you're good I'll give you a big glass of milk."

She pouts and frowns at her hand. I take her hand back in mine and proceed to take out the last shard. She's so focused on her hand that she doesn't realize how close her face is to mine. I can feel her breath against my cheek. I lick my lips almost against my will. If I so much as turn my head I could kiss her…What?! Please tell me I didn't think that.

"Ouch!" she exclaims louder. I was so distracted that I pull on the shard harshly, hurting her apparently.

"I'm sorry," I apologize. Sara just pouts like a five year old in response. I take out a Power Puff Girls Band Aid and stick it on her wound. I can't help giggling. She's looking desperate as if her hand would have to be cut off.

"It's not funny," Sara says with her bottom lip a bit out. She's focused on her hand and as if I was drown by a magnet I feel myself leaning slowly in closer to her face…

"Honey, are you ready..." Nancy's voice startles me and I jerk away while Sara just turns her head not aware of what I almost did. "…to go" Nancy trails off.

Oh! My! Goodness! I almost kissed Sara. What the hell is wrong with me? Damn Warrick for putting my mind upside down with his statement. That's it, Warrick just played a mind trick on me making me have a lapse of judgment. I turn to Nancy and her eyes are on me.

"I'm ready," Sara says oblivious of what's happening. She gets up and goes to Nancy. Like she always does whenever she's near her girlfriend she kisses her lips softly. "Let me get my jacket," and with that she disappears in the living room. When she comes back two minutes later, Nancy and I haven't moved from our position. Nancy keeps on looking at me with this powerful and silent anger. I take it she saw my lapse of judgment. "All set," Sara says. She comes to me, kisses my cheek and hugs me – that's her new habit. Only today I feel uneasy with it. "You're coming?" she asks Nancy.

"Yeah, go ahead and start the car. I'll be there in a minute," she answers with a smile.

"Okay, bye Cath. See you tomorrow and thanks for taking care of my hand," Sara smiles at me before exiting my house.

I sigh uncomfortably. Nancy's expression is dark and cold. "I want things to be clear between us. My relationship with Sara is serious. I love her and I won't let you screw me over like you did in the past," she starts. I wince as one of our oldest grudges is back on the table. "You take your hands off and stop flirting your way around her because I won't be go easy this time. Am I clear?"

Several times before I kind of…well I had my way with Nancy's boyfriends. The first time we were in high school. Davis, was nice and handsome, I had a crush on him and he wasn't indifferent to me so I made out with him even though I knew he was with my sister. One day Nancy stayed late at the library so Davis and I decided to go to a party. By the end of the night we were having a private party of our own. I could have gotten away with it if he hadn't confessed to Nancy.

The last time, was with her first important boyfriend. Actually everyone thought they'd marry. They probably would have if I hadn't been around. I had an affair with Craig for months while he was with Nance. One day she came and found us in the middle of…you get the picture.

In my defense I would always say that it wasn't my fault if she picked up unfaithful guys. Truth to be told I was flirting with them relentlessly until they cracked. The worse in all this is that in the end I was only doing that to boost my ego. There were times in my life when I need to know that I could have anyone I wanted once I put my mind to it.

I haven't always been a perfect sister, I admit that. Nancy always forgave me. But she never forgot. And it's a topic we never discuss. Now though I have opened a can of worms. The fact that she's warning me lets me know how serious she is about Sara.

"I'm not flirting with Sara," I protest. I know it looked different a moment ago but I swear I don't know what got into me.

"Sure. Whatever," she says with a low tone. "Hands off, got it?" she repeats. She glares at me again before she turns to leave.

I swallow hard feeling really bad. I did have weird moments, but I know it was temporary. Yeah, I'm pleading temporary insanity. I hope I'm right.

One thing's for sure though. I'm confused and I might get in serious trouble if I don't find a way to stop making the wrong moves soon.

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**Oh one more thing. Why is it that everyone wants me to kill Nancy? Come on people, I know I can be cruel but I have -wait let me check... :putting a hand over my chest:... yep it's still there - I still have a beating heart in my ribcage, if I kill Nancy I'll make two orphans...I can't do that now can I? Then, believe it or not, I like Nancy. I'll find a way to break them apart eventually without killing anyone...have faith in me...**

**Thanks for reading.**


	19. Chapter 19

**Here's the new chap! I finished my exams and passed as far as music is concerned, for the university we'll see. Anyway, thanks for your reviews, you rock!**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: O great **scuby** ... thank you for the beta ;)**

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**Chapter 19: Sara**

I'm waiting for Nancy to join me in the car. I'm staring at my hand and at the Power Puff Girls band aid on it. I know it's weird when you think about it. I don't mind being dirty or hurt when I'm working or focusing on something. But I hate, like absolutely hate, the domestic accident. Thinking about it Catherine didn't give me the promised glass of milk. I know I deserved it. I was holding still and she literally butchered me. I'll have to remind her later.

The passenger door opens and Nancy sits down before closing the door again. I'm about to say something, but one look at her and I know that something's wrong. I know Nance well enough to decipher her body language. Right now it says 'I need some time on my own to think.' I stay silent and start the car, heading home.

I can't help but wonder what has her so worked up. I mean we just spend a good afternoon at Catherine's, having a nice party with everyone. I guess I'll have to wait for her to talk to me.

As soon as I stop the car Nancy leaves me to park it and enters the house. I feel like she is running away from something, namely: me. I park the car and head in, locking the door behind me. I step in further; two seconds later Nancy is on me kissing me. There's something different in her kiss, something scary. I'm trying to break the kiss to make her talk to me, but she doesn't give me a chance. She gets rid of my jacket and her hands are already working on unbuttoning my shirt.

Despair. She's kissing me as if she was afraid I'd vanish. She's kissing me with the distress of someone who has nothing left to lose. It really scares me, so I cup her face and gently pull away. She's resisting me and tries to kiss my neck; I hold her back. "Babe, babe…" I say panting. I force her to meet my eyes, asking her what's wrong.

There's sadness in her eyes as if she was lost. Above all there's pain, and I wonder what put it there. "Please…,"she whispers. "Please…" she's on the verge of tears and I'm at a loss as to what I should do. Her eyes are silently pleading me to give her what she wants; the rational part of me wants to talk with her. But the despair I see makes me ache to soothe her and if that's what she need then I won't deny her. I nod silently and kiss her again.

She's kissing me deeply and desperately as if her life depended on it. She slides my shirt off my shoulders. I'm struggling to keep up with her pace. I'm trying to move us to the bedroom but she won't have it my way and soon we find ourselves naked on the floor in the middle of the living room.

There's no teasing today, no discovery of each other's body at a leisurely pace. Today is about getting under each other's skin or as close to it, it's about intensity. I'm in her, holding her tightly to me with a hand on her back, rocking myself steadily and rather hard and deep. She has her hands on my back, her nails are digging into my flesh painfully, she's holding onto me like she was afraid of falling. She rakes her nails on my back and sinks her teeth into my shoulder as she comes, smothering her cry. I groan at the pain.

I slow my pace letting her ride her orgasm and gently coming back on earth. She closes her thighs on my hand as she feels me about to move. "Don't…" she says in a barely audible voice against my skin. I nod in her neck then lift my head up and kiss her deeply. Her tears are mingling in our kiss. She lessens the pressure on my hand silently allowing me to move my fingers out of her.

I rest my forehead against her. "I love you," she says still crying. I hold her tight against me, kissing her once more.

"I love you Nancy," I say once I pull back. She has a firm grip on me, keeping me from moving. We're sweaty and panting. I rest on her nuzzling my head on her neck, holding her as she cries.

I don't know what happened, but it scares me. Sure it was intense, but it was also weird. Nancy wasn't quite herself, and I have no idea what put her in this state.

After a moment I get up and take her in my arms as I lead us to her bedroom. We lie down under the covers and I'm lying on top of her, resting my head on her chest.

"I was afraid of losing you today," she says out of the blue. I put my chin on my hands and look at her, giving her time to talk whatever's on her mind through. "Some days I wonder why you're with me. You could be with someone so much better, prettier, funnier…way better than me," she adds.

I lift myself up a bit and kiss her deeply, hoping to convey my love to her. I don't know what put such an idea in her mind, making her think that she wasn't enough for me; but I know that I want to erase this thought from her mind. I pull back and take one of her hands in mine, placing her over my ribcage so she can feel my heartbeat. "You're the reason my heart is beating so loud. It's beating for you. I love you and there's no one better. You are beautiful, witty, smart, funny, sensitive, understanding and so much more than my words could express. And as long as you're in my heart, I don't see anyone else," I tell her seriously.

She starts to cry again and I hold her to me, never intending to let her go.

xxxxx

"You owe me a glass of milk," I say playfully as I lean against Catherine's office threshold. She looks at me confused, so I raise my wounded hand. "I was an exemplary patient. You, on the other hand, tortured me," I pout. "And I haven't even had milk in compensation."

"Oh poor thing," she mocks me.

I stick my tongue at her. "Can I talk to you for a moment?" I ask a bit nervous.

"Sure," she says frowning a bit. "Come in and close the door."

I do as I'm told and sit on the chair in front of her desk. "It's a personal matter," I confess.

"Uh…okay," she nods apprehending what I'm about to say.

"Did Nancy say anything to you yesterday?" I ask.

"What do you mean?"

"She wasn't quite herself when we got home. And I was wondering if she told you something, you know…since she stayed a bit with you…" I elaborate. It seemed like a good idea when I came here in the first place. Cath is Nance's sister. I'm worried about my lover and I figured that maybe Cath would know more about what upset Nancy yesterday.

Cath seems very concerned and a bit nervous. I look at her expecting and answer "No. She didn't tell me anything," she stutters.

"Oh…well," I realize that Cath is really uncomfortable and nervous, that's when it hits me that perhaps she didn't want to hear any of this. "Thank you, I'm sorry for bothering you with that. I mean maybe you're not the best choice to talk about this…I mean she's your sister…and I should shut up now…forget I said anything. Thanks for listening though," I say getting up.

"Sure, anytime."

"Oh by the way, Griss is about to hand the assignments," I say as I reach the door. I turn to her once more. "I'm going…but you still owe me a glass of milk. With interest, make that two," I wink at her. She chuckles shaking her head.

xxxxx

"Oh yeah, I'd say that one was funny," Nick finishes his story.

We're having our lunch break together. Talking about funny cases and sharing some awesome food graciously provided by Warrick's Gram. I'm telling you, she's a hell of a cook.

As I reach for the last brownie, Cath catches it before me "Hey! I wanted it!" I exclaim.

"Too bad you're too slow then," she just replies.

"Don't you dare eat it, it's mine," I warn her.

"I don't see your name on it, and I am going to eat it," she states smugly.

"Oh I don't think so," I get up and try to snatch the brownie from her. She raises her hand up keeping the coveted brownie at an arm's length from me. "Give it to me. You already had two!" I say petulantly.

"Well go complain to Nick and Greg they had at least four each!" she replies.

"I reached for it first!"

"Then it's a funny thing I'm the one with it in my hand," she mocks me.

"Don't make me do something you'll regret," I threat.

"Oh what? You're going to spank me?" she chuckles.

"You have three seconds. One…Two…"

"Two bucks Sara gets the brownie," Nick says extending his hand to Warrick.

"Go Cath , go," Warrick cheers sealing his bet with Nick. They both chuckle.

"Two and half…" I keep counting.

"Ooh I'm scared," Cath defies me.

"You asked for it," I say before tickling her fiercely. She fidgets hard to escape my grasp but I hang on. She falls from her chair and I end up straddling her not stopping my attack.

"Sara!...stop….please!..." Cath laughs hard trying to catch back her breath. I bend over her so our faces are inches away.

"Hand me that brownie, now," I say in the most threatening tone I can manage. Her smile fades away and she pushes the brownie on my chest.

"Here take it, now get off me," she says somewhat harshly. I don't understand the mood swing, but do as I'm told. I get up and look at her silently, feeling like I had done something wrong. "Lunch break is over. I'm going to my office. Thank Gram for me Rick," and with that she leaves like she was on fire.

I look at the boys trying to see if they know what just happened. "She's never been a fun loser," Nick shrugs.

I sigh. "There you go Greggo," I say handing him the brownie.

"Yay, cool!" he replies.

"Okay…well I have a car to take care of, see you later guys," I say and make my exit.

"I still won buddy," I hear Nicky's voice saying as I walk away.

xxxxx

I spend the rest of my shift under a car trying to find anything to help me on the case I'm working on. I have to admit I'm not really focused. My mind is still on Cath from earlier. I can't help but wonder what went wrong. It had been a while ever since she snapped at me and I didn't miss it a bit.

A hand rests itself on my leg startling me. I jump and knock my head against the metal above me. "Freaking hell," I mutter in a growl. That hurts.

"Oh my, Sara I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you," Catherine says with an apologetic tone.

"Well then next time, make your presence known when I'm under the car and don't touch me without warning me," I grumble as I slide myself out from under the car. Okay, maybe I'm a little pissed about earlier.

"I said I was sorry," Catherine repeats forcefully.

"I'm not deaf!" I reply harshly.

"Ooh you're bleeding," she states with concern. She reaches out to touch me, but I jerk away.

"Don't," I say.

She sighs loudly. "Let's try not to go there anymore shall we? I don't want to fight with you. I came to apologize about earlier. I don't know why I just snapped okay. I'm sorry."

I scrutinize her for a moment. I don't know why I feel like evaluating if she means what she says. But then again, Cath apologizing is an event in and of itself so yeah she has to mean it. "I'm sorry for being harsh," I reply.

"We're even then," she smiles. "Let me take care of this," she says touching my temple lightly. I hiss in pain.

"Are you going to butcher me again?" I tease her.

"Oh please, quit being such a drama queen. I barely left you with a scar and a Power Puff Girl band aid," she comes back.

"You promised me milk," I pout.

"I know. Look we should take care of this wound now, it looks pretty bad. And if you're nice, I'll take you out to breakfast. I promise," she says softly.

"Ok, but be gentle," I say with a little pout.

We get up and go to one of the rooms everyone uses to sleep in when they have to pull double. Cath takes the first aid kit and faces me. She puts some alcohol on a cotton ball and then looks at me. "Close your eyes," she orders me gently. "It's going to sting a bit."

I hiss as I feel the sting of alcohol on my wound, but I hold still. "You'll have a nasty bruise later," she announces, reaching for a band aid.

"That's the second time in 48 hour that you've hurt me and patched me up. At any rate, I'm going to believe you're doing this intentionally."

"Oh shut up," she chuckles. "There," she says as she places the bandage on my temple. I feel a feather like touch of her lips on my wound and open my eyes. We are close, too close… uncomfortably close. We stare at each other silently. It had been a moment since we didn't have a weird connection like this.

I break the eyes contact awkwardly and clear my throat. I look at her again and there's this awkwardness hanging in the air. I smile nervously. "I think I've been good enough for that breakfast."

"You never forget anything, do you?" She chuckles.

"Never where my stomach is concerned," I joke back.

"Alright, let's go," she says putting back the kit in its place.

"Whose turn to choose?" I ask.

"I think it's yours actually," she says pensively.

"Sweet," I smile. I love when I get to pick the place where we eat.

We head toward the parking lot. I have to say that I like it better when we're able to avoid any kind of fight. I think it's official: we are friends. I can't help my bright smile at the thought.

I'm friends with Catherine Willows, at last.

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**People, my friends, I won't kill Nancy, I won't...ok I don't make any promises because I'm not immune against a change of mind...but it's not what I have planned.**

**Thanks for reading.**


	20. Chapter 20

**Hey everyone, I'm back with a new chap. Thank you so much for your reviews you are awesome, seriously you are! **

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: **scuby** you are the best...the best of the best, the cream of the cream and I'll never get grateful enough for all you do for me, thank you very much**

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**Chapter 20: Catherine**

What the hell is wrong with me? It's like I wasn't in control of my body or brain anymore. It's almost like I was having an out of body experience.

At the beginning of the shift, Sara came to me to ask me if Nancy told me about anything that bothered her. Truth is that Nancy did talk to me. I couldn't very well tell Sara that what bothered my sister was the fact that I had been caught trying to make a move on her, could I?

What I thought to be just a lapse of judgement seems to have long side effects. At lunch time, everything was perfectly fine. Then we started to fight playfully about the last brownie and I ended up on the floor with Sara on top of me, tickling me. Then she was close to me and her eyes were sparkling and her smile…

I felt myself growing weak. I felt this huge whirlwind travelling my whole body, making me feel a thousand things at the same time. No such thing happened to me before so I did what I always do when I feel out of my depths. I snapped at her and bolted to the safety and confines of my office.

I spent most of the night telling myself that I was imagining things and that it was nothing. I was tired and emotionally on edge, hence my increased sensitivity. So it was a natural thing that my body would react in a weird way to Sara.

I went to find her in the garage knowing that I owed her an apology. We almost fought but we managed to avoid any argument. I had to patch her up once more since she knocked her head under the car after I startled her. That's when something happened again. I was standing close to her, taking care of her bleeding temple. She had her eyes closed and I couldn't help myself, so I bent down and kissed her wound. And just like yesterday I felt the same force pushing me toward Sara again. I had this burning need to taste her lips. Lucky me though she opened her eyes, stopping this line of thought.

Now we're sitting in a diner she chose and having a nice breakfast. One of the things I was surprised to know about Sara was her capacity to eat like four men. You'd think she hadn't eat for days. The back of the coin is that she tends to get cranky when she's starving.

"Well, thank you for breakfast," she says contentedly.

"You're welcome."

"I can't be mad anymore about the fact that you disfigured me," she chuckles. I gasp in surprise before laughing. I throw a napkin at her face and she sticks her tongue out at me.

"Hey I have the scars to prove it!" she jokes holding her hand high. I take it in mine as something catches my eyes. Something I failed to notice yesterday: a scar. "What? Admiring your handiwork?" she chuckles.

I hold her hand palm up with both of mine, one of my thumbs running over the scar. I feel my smile fading away when I realize it's a reminder of one of my biggest mistakes. "I'm so sorry," I say seriously.

"Oh come on now I'm just kidding," she says snorting with amusement.

I look at her and then focus on her scar again. "I'm not."

When she realizes what I'm talking about she sighs. I drop her hand as if burnt. She takes my hand back in hers and holds it firmly. "It was an accident. I am okay, and so is everyone," she says in a reassuring tone.

"It's funny because most of the time I succeed in forgetting about it. The lab looks like new. Greg and everyone else doesn't have anymore band aids all over them…" I confess looking at her hand. My thumb is touching her knuckles, "Most of the time, it's just a bad dream."

I feel her fingertips brushing my skin as she puts one of my locks back in place behind my ear. I look at her again and lose myself in her eyes. She smiles softly, silently comforting me.

Her phone breaks the moment. She reaches for it while I return my gaze to her hand in mine. I put my other on hers and draw on her knuckles memorizing her skin with my fingertips. Her skin is soft unlike her knuckles and palm which are rough, from manual work and working out, I suppose. I wonder what it would be like to feel her hands on…

"Hey babe. I'm fine, thanks," her voice is soft and loving. Just like every time I feel sick hearing it, just like every time I disregard it and focus on something else, right now: her hand. I know I should let go of her hand, but I can't. So I keep caressing it and feeling it under my fingertips. I don't know how much time I stay like this hypnotized by her hand. Funny how such a simple thing can have such power of attraction.

Her hand clenches gently and reflexively under my touch. Unconsciously, she rubs her thumb along my knuckles. She's probably thinking she's holding Nancy's hand right now. There's no doubt about it, because whenever she's talking to Nancy or is around her, Sara is like in a bubble, the world centers itself around her lover.

"Cath?" I hear far away. I shake my head to come back from the place I lost myself in. I look up and see Sara looking back at me expectantly. Seems like she has asked me something, thing is, I don't know what.

"Excuse me. What did you say?" I ask her.

"I asked you if I could have my hand back," she chuckles.

"Oh. Yeah, sorry," I say feeling a twinge of hurt. She keeps looking at me silently telling me that I still haven't let go. I pull my hands back in a surrender gesture.

"Are you okay?" she asks me with concern.

I look away then back to her and give her a little smile "I think I'm tired," I'm sure that's it, tiredness. _Yeah right…_

"It is getting late, I know I'm not against some hours of sleep. It's been a long night. Let's go," she says getting up. She reaches for her wallet, but I stop her.

"Hey, it's on me, remember?" I smile. She's about to protest so I add, "It's the price to pay for disfiguring you," I joke. She chuckles. I pay the tab and a minute later we are in the parking lot heading toward my car.

Now that Sara lives with Nancy, I volunteered myself as a driver for her. Nancy drops her off at work unless there's a change of plans. And I driver her back, so that it gives me a little more time with her. Another thing I understand about Sara is that she likes silence. She could stay silent for days without feeling like exploding, unlike me. At first, whenever she was silent I would ask her if I did anything wrong, then I learned to decipher her silences and actually enjoy them. In those moments, it's like we were speaking to each other in our own private way. Right now we are sharing a comfortable silence.

"There you go," I break the silence as I stop in Nancy's driveway.

She turns to me and smiles. "Thank you," she says before leaning and kissing my cheek like she has taken the habit of doing. Only this time I feel my skin burning fiercely from that light touch. "See tonight," she beams and then gets out of the car.

It's only two minutes later that I'm able to breathe again. I so need some rest.

xxxxx

I finally put the finger on what is wrong with me.

You see, Sara represents what I yearn for. A partner loving, caring, kind, funny, full of attention, understanding, smart and affectionate, who cares about me and my family and who's ready to take the responsibilities that come with dating a single mother. Hanging around Nancy and Sara allowed me to see that. And Sara – who's far from being perfect – is the ideal lover. And that's why I felt this weird, inappropriate desire toward her, because of what she represents.

So I spent the last two months going out, hunting for the rare pearl. I had a few dates, and even had a real hope with one of them. And though I know what I want, I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

xxxxx

As for those weird moments with Sara, they still happen, but I've learned to live with them and not put too much into it.

Things are better between me and Nancy because ever since she warned me, I've kept my distance. Not that I had any alternative, she's watching me with like a hawk. Well, I have to say that with time she has eased up on her supervision.

Today we have decided to have a day together with the kids. We went to the park to have a picnic and right now they're all playing in Nancy's backyard. Nancy and I are talking while Sara is playing with the kids.

"…oh my goodness!" Nancy laughs as I tell her the last date I had, which was funny so much it was horrible. "Tell me he didn't!"

"I swear he did. I was stunned to say the least. Then I was wishing for Grissom to call me back into work to get me out of there. And what do you know, I must have wished pretty hard because two minutes later, Grissom was asking me to come in. He was surprised when I literally begged to be in the field."

"Well, you'll be lucky the next time," Nancy says wiping a tear away that had fallen from all of her laughing.

"Yeah that's always what I tell myself, until the next date turns out to be worse than the previous. I think I'm going to take a little break right now. So much bad luck has to be a sign," I snort.

"You'll find someone baby burn," Nancy says passing her arm around my shoulders and pulling me to her. I lean my head on her shoulder and sigh heavily.

"I hope you're right."

"Mom can we have a snack?" Lindsey exclaims as she enters the house, her cousins and Sara right behind her.

Nancy gets up and starts to open her cupboards looking for something for our little monsters. Sara opens the fridge and pours herself a big glass of milk. I chuckle inwardly, I'll never get used of this habit of hers.

"…Batman can't be more powerful, he doesn't have superpowers at all!" Allan protests.

"Well, Spiderman isn't that powerful either even though he has superpowers," Jeremy states pensively.

"My point exactly superpowers aren't what matters to make a superhero," Lindsey says with a smile.

"Maybe, but you have to admit that it makes a difference," Allan replies.

They continue to argue about this oh so much philosophical topic. Nancy puts cakes, fruits, milk and juice in front of them. I take this opportunity to enjoy the moment from afar. Sara comes behind Nancy and circles her waist with her arms before kissing her neck. Nancy smiles leaning back against Sara, then she turns her head to Sara and kisses her lips. Sara tells her something for her and only her, because she whispers it in Nancy's ear. Nancy smiles and blushes a bit, then Sara kisses her neck again, then her shoulder. Allan asks her something and she answers and they all laugh, then she turns her attention to Nancy again.

I wish she could hold me like this, and kiss my skin, and being always needy of my touch and…

Holy…

I feel myself suffocating as the meaning of this thought hits me. Then I feel my stomach lurching. This has to be a cosmic joke. Please, please tell me this is a big joke, or better yet the Twilight Zone…

I manage to keep my composure and act as if everything is fine when I feel like throwing up. Since Lindsey is sleeping over today, I leave a bit earlier giving the excuse that I had to pick up something at home before heading early to work. Sara is a bit concerned and tries to talk to me and see what's wrong, but I stand my ground and dismiss her gently before heading out.

As soon as I'm in my car I rest my forehead on the steering wheel and try to calm myself. This is not real. This is not as bad as I think it is. I'm going to wake up soon and this will be nothing but a bad dream.

Suddenly I feel anger invading me, so I start the car. Twenty minutes later I've reached my destination. I get out and go to the front door of the house in a decided step. I knock and wait.

"Cath?" Warrick says with surprise "Is anything wrong?" he asks with concern as he steps aside to let me in.

"You bet something's wrong. I hate you so much right now, that's what's wrong!" I growl.

"Uh…okay. May I know why?" he's confused I can tell.

"He wants to know why. You want to know why? Because you put my mind upside down with your statement and now…now I'm in a deep mess and all because of you!! I hate you, why did you have to run your mouth about anything? Why?! I could have been ignorant, unhappy but at peace with myself. Instead of that, thanks to you, I'm aware of everything, unhappy and I'm struggling with myself not to do something stupid! Why, oh why did you do this to me?! You went and put this idea in my head and like a weed it's grown and infected all my being and now…damn it!! I hate you, I so hate you Warrick Brown!" I ramble vehemently.

"Alright, you hate me, but I still don't get why. Cath, what are you talking about?" he replies calmly. He knows it's not about him, so he doesn't take my remarks personally. Warrick knows how I work and he knows that right now I need to talk through something that upset me deeply.

"Ever since you said that I was flirting with Sara, my life has been a mess! Everything was fine and you had to say something. Now I've been through hell for months only to realize that it's worse than little lapses of judgement," I elaborate. I'm pacing like a wild animal. He's sitting on his couch looking at me.

"At first, I thought I was jealous of Nancy because she had what I wanted, an ideal lover. And for the last two months, I lived under this illusion, this…lie. I just realized that the truth is that I'm not jealous of Nancy because she found an ideal lover. I'm jealous of her because her lover is Sara," I finally let out the thought that has been eating me alive for the past thirty minutes. Those words burned my lips, and my stomach is threatening to give up on me.

"Wow, run that one by me again," Warrick says in surprise.

"I'm jealous of Nancy because her lover is Sara," I repeat harshly. I'm so not in the mood to play parrot right now.

"Oh my…Cath please tell me this is a joke," Warrick says closing his eyes.

"Do I look like I'm joking?" I ask aggressively. I sigh and run my hands through my hair. "I am so screwed," I say with a sigh. I let myself fall on the couch and bury my face in my hands. "I can't let this happen. I can't fall for Sara…" I whine.

"Well, it's not like you had choice in the matter, is it?" Warrick says calmly. I know he's right but this is so not helping me.

"Oh shut up! If it wasn't for your big mouth I wouldn't be in this mess right now," I know I'm being irrational – that with or without him I would have eventually put a name on my feelings. But I need someone to blame and luckily he's my scapegoat. I'm sure he sped up the process. I know I would have been in denial for much longer if he hadn't said anything.

I raise my head up and look at the ceiling. "What have I done to deserve this? Uh? Why is my life so fucked up?" I ask as if some mystic force was listening to me.

Warrick's arm comes to rest on my shoulders as he pulls me towards him, mimicking Nancy earlier. I let myself sink into his embrace. "I'm doomed," I whisper. "What am I supposed to do now?" I ask like a lost, little girl.

He sighs. "Suffer in silence," his smoky voice resounds in my ears.

I snort. "Gee, that cheers me up, thank you a whole damn lot," I reply with sarcasm.

"Why? You want me to tell you about rainbows, ponies and butterflies?" he asks.

"If you so much as ever think about telling me this story again, I'll hide your body where no one would ever find it," I say in a mock serious tone.

He chuckles and tightens his embrace. "I won't let you down, no matter what happen," he says.

"I love you," I tell him.

"I love you too," he says before kissing my head. Don't get the wrong idea. This is no romantic love. Warrick is more than a friend and more than a brother to me. We have this solid bond between us. He has my back and I have his. And I think he's the only one who really knows me and provides me what I need when I need it. He knows when to comfort me, when to kick my ass, when to leave me alone, when to hold me, when to make me laugh, when to be there for me, when to patronise me and so on. He's one of the constants in my life and I'm grateful I have him, because he's the rock I need to always be grounded. So yes, I think friendship is a tiny word to describe our connection.

I close my eyes and snuggle further in his arms. I enjoy the little peace of mind I find there because I know it's temporary.

I have feelings for Sara.

I am doomed… to say the least.

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**Funny, it tastes like 'déjà vu'... I wonder how things got so complicated...** **oh well**... 

**I have one thing to say: let the fun begin...ooooh yeah - (evil laugh) mouahahaha... XD...I'm evil and I like this so much!**

**Thanks for reading.**


	21. Chapter 21

**Hey there, I'l back. I'd like to apologize for the delay, I had to prepare my last concerts anyway, I just gave the last one an hour ago so now I'm devoted again to writing. Thanks for your reviews you are awesome.**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps**: scuby,** thanks for putting up with my laziness and my lame english, you're the best ;)**

**

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**Chapter 21: Sara**

I arrive at work early and in a good mood. My, my, what an excellent day with family can do for you. I'm keeping myself from whistling even though I feel like it. I knock on Cath's office door and wait for her answer. "Come in," she says.

"Hey there," I greet her with a smile. "How are you?"

"Sara," she seems surprised to see me. "I'm fine thank you," she answers in a not so convincing tone.

I wait for her to say something more, but she doesn't. "I want you to know that I'm here if you need to talk or if you need anything at all," I tell her honestly. I know she still has to prove herself to me but we are slowly getting back to where we once were.

"I know."

"Good, I just wanted to make sure you didn't forget it," I smile. There's no use pushing an issue with Cath, but every now and then it's good to remind her that you're there for her. She tends to forget it because she doesn't like feeling weak or needy, just like me. "We have an assignment together," I announce as I get up from my chair. I'm in ass kicking mode tonight, there's no crime I couldn't face, I'm on fire and at the top of my game. "Oh and Griss says to take overalls, we'll get dirty," I wink at her.

"Wait, it says homicide in the Bellagio," she says confused as she reads the pink slip of paper in her hand. I don't answer and keep on walking, with a smug smile on my face, "Sara, wait!" she exclaims running after me.

Four hours later we're on all fours in the mud. It turns out that tonight the Bellagio had organized a mud wrestling event. One of the girls fell dead after being stabbed. So we need to look for the murder weapon and now we're paddling in the mud. We saved it for the end as if pushing the fateful moment would make it disappear.

"Why are we doing this again?" Cath asks.

"I don't know at this point," I answer. "Oh and Sara take overalls you might get dirty," I mimic Grissom's tone. "You think he'd have mentioned we'd have to look into mud, but no he didn't. I'm going to give him a piece of my mind when we're back," I ramble. The trouble with mud is that you can't see anything through it so we're basically blindly looking for anything with our hands and knees. We've been like this for the past hour and we still have a hundred square meters to process. Needless to say, the situation is straining our nerves.

"I dream of a job where I stay clean from the beginning to the end…and oh!" Cath whimpers as a smudge of liquid dirt lands on her face. I moved so quickly to get up that I sent mud everywhere.

"Oops, sorry," I chuckle. She grabs some mud and throws it at me angrily. "Hey! What's wrong with you?!"

"Don't you throw dirt at me. I'm already pissed enough as it is," she spits.

"I didn't do it on purpose!" I protest.

"Yeah, right," she snorts before returning to her blind search. I debate for a second whether or not I want her to be off the hook that easily then I decide that no, I don't want to. I take some mud and throw it in her hair. She gasps and looks at me with fury.

"That's what happens when I throw mud on purpose. I aim and never miss my target," I state petulantly.

"I have mud in my hair," she enunciates each word carefully and then she turns to me. "Oh, you're going to pay for this," she groans before throwing dirt right on my face. I gasp in surprise and then retaliate. Two seconds later she tackles me on the ground and we wrestle for dominance. We roll and roll in the mud until I finally get the advantage thanks to my long legs. I push some mud in Catherine's face and she tries to avoid my grip. "How do you like that, Muddy Locks?" I say with a smug smile, quite happy at my word game.

I'm straddling Cath and holding her wrists still on the ground. We look at each other and then the ridiculousness of the situation gets to us and we start to laugh hard. I move away and sit next to her as I keep on laughing. Once we stop we're both on the verge of tears. "I'm sorry," we say at the same time, which only makes us laugh harder.

"Look at us. We're a mess," Cath laughs.

"Well, it's not like we could get any dirtier," I reply.

After a few minutes, we compose ourselves again and start to search again for the murder weapon. This time the atmosphere is light and relaxed. After two more hours of searching, we finally find what we were looking for: a nail file.

We get out of the mud and gather our bags of evidence. We don't have access to showers here so we have to cover the seats with anything we can find to avoid ruining the interior. We finally get in and head to the lab as quickly as possible without breaking the law. We both want a long, hot shower to rinse the mud out of every orifice of our bodies.

I open the first buttons of my overalls and reach for my chain only to find it's not there anymore. No, please don't tell me I lost it. "Stop the car!" I say suddenly with panic.

"What?"

"Stop the car," I repeat but Catherine keeps on driving "Catherine stops the damn car!" I bark, she jumps and complies. "Make a U-turn. We need to go back there. I lost my chain and my ring. It must have fallen off when we were wrestling. We need to go back. I have to get them back..."

"We can't go back now…"

"Yes we can and we will, now make a U-turn….please," I say hastily.

She looks at me silently not saying anything, just letting my words hanging in the air. "We're not going back, not now," she simply said before starting the car again.

"Excuse me?" I ask surprised. Surely she's kidding me. "Turn around I need to find them. I have to," I say firmly.

"We're on the clock. Right now there's more important things than your ring…"

"You don't get me. It's was Nancy's gift to me for our six months anniversary. I **have** to get it back. So please make a U-turn and drive me back there," I continue my pleas with a bit of desperation.

"You can go back later. We have a job to do…."

"No, we have to go back now," I protest feeling anger invading me.

"Suspects are waiting for us to interview them. Evidence needs to be processed and so on. You of all people should know that each case is a ticking clock. We don't have time to waste looking for a silly ring…"

"Don't lecture me about my job. I'll do it, but I have to find my ring. Drive me back there, now!" I bark at her.

"The scene won't be released before two days so your stupid ring is secure wherever it is!" she shouts.

"Drive me back!" I shout back. I am beyond pissed off now. And Catherine's attitude is not helping my state.

"We're going at the lab period. If you're not happy, go ahead and get out of the car," she seethes. "We're not going to put our case on hold for…" and she keeps on ranting.

I groan, "I can't believe you're such a cold hearted bitch!"

It takes me two seconds to realize what I've said. There's so much pressure on Cath's jaw I think she's about to crack her teeth. Her grip on the steering wheel makes her knuckles turn white. The rest of the drive to the lab goes by in stone silence. Once in the lab, we switch to our work mode and do what we have to without talking to each other.

As soon as the shift ends, I go back on the scene and spend three hours in the mud only to come back empty handed. I go back home upset; upset that I lost something as precious as my ring and upset that I insulted Catherine without so much as an apology afterwards.

When I arrive home Nancy has already left to take the kids to school. I take a long shower and go to bed. Nancy doesn't teach today, so not so long after a pair of arms snake behind me. She likes to have some cuddling time with me in bed when she doesn't have class – it sort of make up for the nights I miss holding her.

"Hey babe," I say.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you up," she says softly. I turn my head to her so I can kiss her. "Hey," she smiles as I pull back. She frowns instantly. "What's wrong?"

I can't hide from her, I'm an opened book. I turn to face her and sigh. "I lost your ring," I say with a little voice.

She needs five seconds to understand my words. She does she doesn't go ballistic, but just looks at me with a gentle and surprised expression "Oh."

"I'm sorry," I say then I proceed to tell her what happened. "I went back to try to find it but…I'm sorry," I repeat myself.

"It's okay. Don't get me wrong, I'm not happy you lost it, but there are worse things than losing a ring. We'll get you another one," she says caressing my cheek softly in a soothing motion.

"I don't want another one," I whine. "I want mine, the one you gave me."

"I know. It happens and it's not that important. What matters to me is that you come back home after work every day. Now it's a shame you lost it, but it's not the end of the world. So stop berating yourself, okay?" she tells me with a reassuring smile. "You need to apologize to my sister though," she warns me.

"I know and I will. Experience taught me that we generally need some time away from each other to cool off after an argument before even considering talking to each other again," I reply.

"Good, now try to get some sleep and don't worry about your ring anymore," she says before kissing me.

I snuggle deeper into her side and comply.

xxxxx

I'm sitting on the bench of the locker room. It's been two days since the 'ring incident', and Cath and I haven't spoken to each other since. I think she avoided me yesterday. I took that as a silent request to leave her alone some more. I know I told Nancy that I'd stop worrying about my ring. But truth is that I feel stupid for losing it and it hurts me to lose it. This ring represents the happiness I've had lately and the seriousness of my relationship with Nancy. So I've been moping around about that ring. It's funny how such a little thing can come to mean so much.

"Knock, knock," I hear from the door of the locker room. I lift my head and see Catherine leaning on the threshold. She doesn't seem angry. She actually she seems relaxed. She comes next to me and leans against my locker facing me. Neither of us speaks for a moment.

"I owe you an apology. I'm sorry for what I said the other day. You didn't deserve any of it. I was upset, out of line and fucking stupid," I tell her honestly.

"Yes you were," she agrees.

"I'm sorry Cath," I repeat.

"Apology accepted. We're cool," she says after a moment. I give her a small smile glad that we'll get through this in spite of my stupidity. I sigh and focus on my feet again.

There's a light metallic sound. I frown and lift my head again only to face my ring dangling from its chain. My eyes widen and I look at Cath silently asking her for an explanation and then look at my ring. "It's my ring…where did you?"

Cath chuckles. "They say mud is good for the skin," she jokes.

I'm speechless, I hold my palm up and Cath drops my ring slowly in it. I take the ring and scrutinize it closely as if it wasn't really there. I read again the words that Nancy had engraved inside and feel my heart swelling as I read it. I can't help the smile tugging at my lips. I have my ring back. I look at Cath again and get up. Our bodies are inches away from each other. I wrap her in a fierce hug. "Thank you, so very much. You've no idea how much this ring means to me," I tell her honestly.

"I think I do," she replies. And though I can't see her face, I know she's grinning.

I pull my head back a little and crush my lips on her cheek as if I wanted to get through her skin. I kiss her with a big 'smack' sound and then hug her again. There's no word to express my gratitude right now.

"Uh… Sara? I'll have to breathe again at some point," she giggles.

I hug her a little longer before pulling back completely. I'm beaming, I can't help but cup her face and kiss her forehead. Then I take a step back before giving in to the urge to hug her again. I'm not sure she truly realizes how happy she just made me.

"Ask me for anything and if I can do it or have it, I'll do it or give it to you in a heartbeat," I tell her excitedly.

"Now, now, breakfast will do," she says dismissively.

"On for a breakfast then," I nod. She starts to walk away, but I grab her wrist gently and she turns to me again. "I mean it, I'm here for anything, and not just today, every time at any hour," I tell her seriously.

"I know," she says before winking at me before exiting the locker room.

xxxxx

"Can I say something?" I ask Catherine, my eyes glued to her.

"Go ahead," she says shortly.

"This is so not a good idea."

"It's only the 30th time you've said that," she replies with sarcasm.

"Proof that it's really a bad idea," I reason.

"Well if you have a better one I'm all ears," she say exasperated. I stay mute. "My point exactly. Now please hold this ladder tightly," she says before progressing further up the ladder.

We have some possible evidence stuck in a tree and the only way to retrieve it is to use a ladder. Only it's not that easy. I'm supposed to wait for Cath to be at the top of the ladder before pulling the thing toward me so she can grab the piece of clothing we're trying to collect.

"You're ready?" Cath asks me.

"No."

"Sara!"

"It's a bad idea.You're going to break your neck and I'll be to blame," I state.

"Oh please it's not like I'm a mile high," she chuckles. "Okay, on three."

"For the record, I said many times that it was a very bad idea," I repeat once more.

"Sara, come on. Okay, I'll count to three,"

"Wait! When you say on three, what do you mean? It's one, two and I pull or one, two, three and I pull?"

"Damn it Sidle, just pull the freaking ladder!" she orders. I comply and pull the ladder toward me with all my strength. The ladder swings until it's straight up and down. Cath grabs the piece of clothing victoriously, only the ladder starts to fall back on me and since it's too heavy I can't hold it steady.

"Cath, jump!"

I let go of the ladder and try to adjust myself quickly to catch Cath's fall. Cath falls on me and we both land on the ground. I graciously provide a soft landing for Cath while I take the blunt of it. "Oof!!" I breathe out in pain.

"Ouch," Cath groans. I knew it wasn't a good idea. "Don't say anything," she manages to say.

We turn our head at the same time and though our noses collide, our lips brush together. I jerk away quickly. "Sorry I didn't mean to…" Cath starts.

I wipe my mouth with my hand as if to erase the contact. "It's okay. Now, would you please get off me, not that I'm not comfy here," I say sarcastically. Cath rolls on her side and then starts to get up. I take a few deep breaths before sitting up and then getting on my feet. "You're alright?" I ask her.

"Yeah, and I think I'm alright."

"Not to be petty, but I told you it was a bad idea."

"Yes, you did. And as bad an idea it was, we have our evidence," she says with a grin. I shake my head.

"And bruises and scratches as a bonus, hooray," I say flatly.

"Oh, don't be such a pessimist," she scolds me.

"I'll ask Nancy to kiss my bruises to make up for you crushing me with your fall," I say with a little grin.

"You're such a baby," Cath says before sticking her tongue at me.

"Sure, admit it. You planned all of this so you could give into your irresistible want to kiss me," I joke with a waggle of my eyebrows.

"In your dreams, Sidle," she shoots back. She turns to me, suddenly looking a bit nervous. "Uh…Can you not mention the part where I accidentally kiss you?" Cath asks.

"Why? She'll laugh about it you know," I say lightly.

"No, she won't."

"Come on, Cath. It was an accident, nothing to be ashamed about. It's not like there is anything more between us than friendship," I laugh.

"Yeah, I know but…just don't mention it okay?"

"Why?" I ask intrigued.

She sighs and looks away. "Let's just say that I didn't give her very many reasons to trust me with her lovers in the past. Trust me when I say she won't laugh, and I don't want to be in trouble. So please, I'm begging you, don't mention this part," she pleads without breathing.

I process her words and their implication. "Okay, I won't. Don't worry," I reassure her. "Admit it you liked the kiss," I joke.

"Oh please don't flatter yourself it was lame, you're not such a good kisser," she says with amusement.

"Your sister doesn't agree with you on this point," I say smugly before leaving her behind and getting in the car.

We start to drive back to the lab to the sound of the radio. "You think I'm a horrible sister don't you?" Cath says still fixated on the road ahead.

"Where did that come from?"

"Oh, please don't play coy with me," she says with a sigh of exasperation.

"Cath I'm your friend and I'm not one to judge you. I'm not proud of everything I've done in my past either. So don't go assuming that I think any less of you now," I tell her truthfully.

She sighs and smiles a bit, "Thank you."

"What for?"

"For being you."

I just smile in response and then start to sing along with the radio. "Oh boy," Cath mutters. I think that should say something about my vocal abilities.

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	22. Chapter 22

**Hey, thanks for the reviews, you made my days! Here's chap 22, I don't know if you will love me or hate me for this one...(no I didn't kill anybody :P)**

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**ps: **scuby,** thank you so very much for everything you are the best!**

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**Chapter 22: Catherine**

How could I describe my life lately? Well, that's easy. It's Hell, with a capital H.

I discovered a little while ago that I had feelings for Sara Sidle. So far nothing is wrong. We've known each other for years. This is the kind of things that happens every day. Nothing's wrong really, I mean I'm not even fussing about the fact that she's a woman because gender doesn't matter to me. So everything is fine. And technically it is, except for the tiny detail that Sara is my sister's lover.

I have the privilege of swallowing my feelings, swallow the pain with a smile on my face while I have to witness the object of my affection being happy with someone else – someone I can't curse or hate. Everything is just peachy.

I have feelings for Sara. Feelings that I don't dare put a name on because they already get me in enough trouble as it is. Six years and I had to have feelings for her now. Couldn't it have been months before she met my sister? Or never at all? Why does this kind of thing only happen to me?

And this is just the tip of the iceberg. Of course the worst thing is that I'm Catherine Willows folks, so it's all or nothing with me. These feelings are real. They actually grow, I mean somewhere I was still hoping for them to be some kind of joke or phase, but no, they're real. And I'm screwed, because they're turning me into something I'm not, an oversensitive person with my heart on my sleeve.

Three days ago we had a muddy scene, we fought and on our way back at the lab she realized she had lost her ring. A ring that my sister gave her to celebrate their six month anniversary. Anyway, Sara wanted to go back and I wouldn't, for a very simple reason, I was jealous. I didn't want her to get this stupid ring back. I was actually happy she lost it. I was freaking petty, that's all.

Then we exchanged harsh words and I was hurt deeply. To hear her say that I was a cold hearted bitch was really hard to take in, and it only made me happier about the fact that she had lost her stupid ring.

I would have stood my ground if she hadn't looked so miserable. I swear, she spent the last two days moping around, as if someone had sucked the life out of her. She was gloomy and not talkative, she was….not herself. I couldn't stand seeing her like this, it just hurt me and I wanted to have my Sara back… I mean to have her back to her normal self.

So I went back to that crime scene and paddled in the mud for 8 long hours. But the kiss on my cheek, the fierce hug and Sara's smile was so worth it. I was the one who put her in this mood and I felt happy for this precious, short-lived moment.

As if it wasn't painful as it is, we always seem to find ourselves in situations that ooze with temptation. We always end up in each other's arms or so close that I'm constantly on the verge of instantaneous combustion. Like today, not five minutes ago I kissed her, on her lips. It wasn't as much of a kiss as it was a collision between our lips, but for a split second I tasted her lips. I was elated at first. That was before she started to wipe her mouth like she had kissed a frog. I have to admit, that hurt.

My heart is hurting me with every new beat it takes.

I'm in Hell.

xxxxx

"…so she said that she was proud of Lindsey's progress and that my little princess was really one of the best student she has. Apparently, Linds is very interested in school again. I was so proud to hear this," I tell Nancy.

"I can imagine," she smiles.

Today I've decided to have lunch with Nancy. It's been a little while since we've had time for each other. We had had a huge case and we had to chain up the shift working almost non stop.

"I need to get my suit back, before I forget," I tell her.

"Let me see…it's in my room in the closet," she says answering my question.

"Okay, I got it," she's cooking so her hands are busy, I'll have to help myself. I walk toward her room to find the suit I need for court later this week.

"Oh Cath, try not to make too much noise, Sara's sleeping," she warns me. I nod and keep on walking and open the door. I hear her trying to tell me something more, but I'm already in so I close the door behind myself to keep her voice from disturbing Sara. I go to the closet and open the door and look for my suit. After two minutes of searching, I finally find it. I grab the hanger and turn around and take my first look at Sara.

I freeze at the sight before me, my breath stolen away. She's lying on her stomach, the sheet bunched low on her lower back starting to show the curve of her ass. I probably should mention now that she's naked. Completely, totally, absolutely…naked.

I've always thought that she was easy on the eyes, but now there's no words coming to me. The ray of light is like a divine sculptor tracing lightly the lines of her body. She stirs and sighs deeply before turning on her side almost facing me…oh my goodness. I so could have lived without this image in my head.

I suddenly feel my brain working again and make my way out of the bedroom feeling flushed, embarrassed and completely disoriented. I come back in the living and look at Nancy who's making a funny face. "You could have warned me she slept naked," I say.

"Well, by the time I remembered you were already in," she says with a smile on her face. She's amused at my embarrassment.

"How can you forget such a thing?" I ask her in disbelief. If Sara was sleeping naked in my bed, believe me, I wouldn't forget unless I was suffering from amnesia.

"She doesn't usually. We…hum…hadn't seen each other in almost three days so…you know," she starts.

"Oh my goodness, I so do not want to hear this," I say putting my hands over my ears. There's only so much I can bear.

I haven't pulled a stunt like trying to kiss Sara since the party, and since her first warning, Nancy seems to have relaxed about everything. I guess she has enough reassurance, anyway she knows I'm not a threat so we are on good terms again.

"Oh come on don't be such prude about it. You're not the tongue tied kind when it comes to sex usually," she teases me. True, we talk about sex like sisters would do when they have new lovers. Usually, I'm the one to shock her, but right now the parts are reversed. Nancy's always been modest on some subjects, but ever since she's been with Sara, she's been a different woman.

"Yeah well usually I don't have to face your lover at work," I reply.

She laughs at my embarrassment; at least one of us is having fun. I think I might be cursed. I mean before, when I was in denial or when I hadn't these funky feelings for Sara, nothing happened and now…now I saw her naked, back…and front. I mean what were the odds of this happening? It's like temptation was always there pushing me to do something stupid.

"You know I never knew it could be like this," Nancy says. I look at her with a frown silently asking her to elaborate. "Sex, lovemaking, the human touch," please god, if you hear me, could you make me deaf in this instant, I'd be forever grateful. "I mean, I never knew you could be so connected to someone before on a physical level. And Sara is…wow. She has opened my eyes on to many things. Most of the time I feel like I'm experimenting everything for the first time. And she's a fantastic lover, attentive, generous, adventurous…" Nancy starts to ramble with awe and glittering eyes of happiness and satisfaction.

"Okay time out! That's enough. I don't want to hear any more of this okay," I say suddenly. This is information I can do without. I mean I'm living in a Hell painful enough without adding fuel to the fire.

"Fine," she chuckles. "I never knew you could be so demure about this, it's a nice change."

"Whatever."

xxxxx

"Wow, you must be pretty depressed," Warrick says. I look at him and frown. "You've been looking at this plate for an hour now without touching it. It's Gram's special, and god only knows you would usually kill to have some."

Since Warrick is the only one who knows everything, we've been spending a lot of time together. And like he promised, he's there for me. But even his presence doesn't stop my heart from bleeding.

"I'm in love with Sara," I say flatly.

He freezes in his motion, mouth agape, eyes round as saucer plates. I understand his reaction. I was speechless and sick for five minutes when I finally dared to put words to the feelings that have been killing me. I'm ill, infected by the oldest known disease: love. The symptoms are simple: I don't eat, don't sleep nor can I focus anymore. All I can do is agonize and bleed a little more at each new beat of my heart. I'm not depressed, I'm dying, little by little, but I'm dying.

Unrequited Love is the most poetic form of suicide. You can't do anything about it, you know you should move on yet you stay where you are and suffer in silence because suddenly those feelings you didn't know before become like oxygen, and who can live without oxygen? It's destructive and knowing this doesn't make it easier. So you leave yourself dying on the altar, your heart is there beating hard and vividly, waiting to find a place where it belongs, waiting to be granted access to this sweet and inaccessible Eden.

It's the old story of the butterfly and the flame. You're only tempted by what you can't have and what's wrong for you. And even with this knowledge, you keep on wanting it.

Warrick seems to be coming to his senses again. He's about to say something, but then he stands up and comes next to me. He silently wraps me in his arms, that's all it takes me to break down and cry myself out. He tightens his embrace and rocks me gently. "Cath…" he sighs, "honey I'm sorry," he says in a soothing voice before kissing my crown.

"It hurts so much Rick," I finally say through my sobs.

"Yeah, Love's a bitch, I don't think I'm teaching you anything here," he snorts. I chuckle in response. No he's not teaching me anything. I think my 'love' record speaks for itself. "So there's this huge rainbow…" he starts.

"Oh shut up," I smile shakily through my tears.

xxxxx

After much effort, I make it to my front door. I've been alone for the last three days. Lindsey is on a school trip and Warrick had to pull double shifts and actually spend some time with his wife. I tried to get out a little, figuring that I needed a change of scenery. Finally, I decided just mope at home.

Tonight I didn't find anything better to do than to try and drown my painfully beating heart in beer. I lost track of how many I've had, but I know that I've had way more than a six pack. I open the door only to wish I hadn't. Sara is there facing me, her smile quickly fades away as she takes note of my distraught state. She frowns in concern. She's about to speak and since I'm not in the mood to have her being so perfect, so attentive, and caring, I turn around leave the door open.

I sit back on the couch and assume my previous position. My head is thrown back on the back of the couch I'm staring at the ceiling. I sigh as I feel Sara standing next to me not knowing what to do. She sits down and faces me, probably waiting for me to say something.

"We were supposed to meet today," she says.

I close my eyes and sigh. Damn, I managed to forget the only time I have with her. "Sorry," I say honestly.

She sighs. "I know you're not okay lately, I can see it. I'm worried. You've been losing weight, and you're sad and…" I can't help laughing softly, if only she knew. "Cath?"

"I've been having a shitty time at work. My life isn't that great either, and I'm in a shitty mood," I answer, more like an automatism than anything.

"That's not it," she says softly, inviting me to talk.

"Well, enlighten me then. You seem to know more about myself than I do," I reply almost aggressively.

"Look, I'm worried about you. But obviously you're neither in the mood nor state to talk."

I reach out for my beer and am stopped in my movement by Sara's hand. I sigh but don't try to fight her. "I think you had enough for today," she states.

"Don't mother me," I growl.

"Come on let's take you to bed," she sighs.

"Now that's a thought," I chuckle at my own joke.

Sara doesn't say anything and stands up. I stay right where I am not giving sign of moving. Sara waits a minute then sits back down, but on the coffee table this time, so now she's facing me. She leans in, her elbows on her knees, she waits for me to look at her again. "I'm here for you Cath, just tell me what you need. Talk to me," she pleads gently.

I mimic her position on the couch now our faces are only inches apart. I look at her intensely in silence, for a moment I can pretend it's not concern that I see, but love. For this precious moment, now that my brain is not working rationally, I can pretend that she actually loves me.

"What I need?" I repeat.

I don't think twice before grabbing her face and crushing my lips on hers. It takes her three seconds to start to push me away, but I refuse to let go, she's mumbling and I take this opportunity to slide my sneaky tongue past her lips caressing her tongue. She's wavering between pushing me away and kissing back. She pushes me away more violently and looks at me with anger, silently asking for explanation. I fucked things up badly. I know it even in my state, fucking up for fucking up I might as well go all the way. "I think a good fuck should do," I say slurring.

I see disappointment in her eyes but it's quickly replaced by concern again. She stands up and starts to walk away. There's a lump in my throat, I just made the biggest mistake I could have made.

"You need to rest and sober up," her voice is cold. I don't dare a look at her. "You're going to sleep here?"

"I'll be fine," I whisper looking in front of me.

"You sure?" she asks. Even I can feel that she doesn't want to stay any longer in my presence, yet the friend in her is concerned and eager to play her part. I might have screwed our friendship in the same stupid move. Great…I think I need more drink to forget about this moment.

"I'm sure." I say firmly in a little voice. "Go home, I'm sure Nancy is wondering where you are," I say flatly. This statement is heavy in the air and feels like a slap in a face.

"I'll see you at work," Sara simply says before leaving silently.

I grab my head in my hands. My lips are burning from their contact with Sara's, but I have the bitter taste of disgust in my mouth.

What have I done?

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**uh oh...and to say I stop it there...(sigh)...**

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	23. Chapter 23

**Hey there, my sincere apology for the delay. Thanks for the reviews. One more thing, all the mistakes are mine...yes I'm still French, sorry :P**

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**Chapter 23: Sara**

Damn it! Damn it!

To say I'm angry would be an understatement. I'm mad, pissed off…I don't know if there are words strong enough to describe the state I'm in. Maybe I shouldn't be driving right now. I can't believe what happened! Why did she have to do such a stupid thing? Why?! Oh yeah, she was drunk. So better question is why did I have to be the one there? Damn it!

I hit the steering wheel in frustration. Damn it!

I get home and slam the door shut behind me. Okay maybe I should have tried to cool off before going back home.

"What's wrong with you? You know I'm scolding the boys whenever they slam a door, and you're supposed to make an example," Nancy scolds me. I so don't need this right now. "What's going on?" she asks with a soft voice full of concern.

I don't look at her as I make my way to the corridor "I need a shower," I say over my shoulder. I know I'm being an ass. Nancy doesn't deserve any of my temper.

I get in the shower and let the cold water hit my skin without flinching. Damn I'm so pissed off. I wash my mouth and my skin fiercely as if she had contaminated me with some invisible virus. Damn it!

I've been worried about Cath lately. She's been withdrawing, I've been reminding her that if she needed anything I was there for her, yet she kept on pushing me away. Even if I was a bit hurt, it's not like I could reproached her with anything. But today was something. First we were supposed to meet to buy a camera to Lindsey – she's been taking class in her club and she's not bad at it. Anyway, Cath stood me up which was a first, I tried to call her only to have her voice mail. I went to her place to check up on her, and find out that my worries were justified. She was drunk, I tried to talk only to be blew off.

And then…then she grabbed and kissed me like I was some random stranger at a bar. 'I think a good fuck should do.' That what she said, damn, of all the barbs she ever thrown at me this one hurt the most. I don't know if I'm pissed off because of her words or because of the kiss. What the hell am I saying? Of course I'm pissed about the kiss. Damn it!

She kissed me, if you could call it a kiss that is. She basically grabbed me and glued her lips to mine without giving me a choice in the matter. And I, like a stupid idiot, took two long fucking seconds to react, for what good it made. The more I pushed the more she tightened her grip on me. Damn me for being so slow to react and damn her for kissing me. She kissed me because she wanted a good fuck, so much for being a concerned friend.

I won't lie to know how it would be like to kiss Catherine is a thought that crossed my mind a long time ago – you know, pure curiosity. Besides you have to admit that there's something in this woman that puts you under a spell. But that was long ago, very long ago. And now I can't help being pissed at her for doing this.

I get out of my shower not a slightest bit cooler, but at least I'm composed. I go in the living room and sit down on the couch. I throw my head on the armrest and close my eyes. I'm still boiling inside, I'm pissed at my friend's stupidity. You don't find anything but trouble at the bottom of a bottle, I more than anybody can confirm that. And yes I must admit that a part of me is concerned. I feel a pressure on the couch next to me. Nancy.

"Grissom called on your cell. He asked for you to call him back a soon as you could," she says after a long silence. I sigh heavily. I'm about to get up in search of my phone when speaks again "Here," she says handing me the phone. Then she stands up and leaves. If I could stop being a jackass anytime soon I'm sure it would be nice.

I call Gil, and my day goes from bad to shitty. What do you know I actually managed to max out overtime so I have the choice between staying home for next four days or going in for paperwork. Trouble is, I've done all my paperwork, so forced vacation it is, oh goodie. And here I was looking to go at work actually, work can be such a good distraction and relaxation for me. Nope instead of this I get to stay here, seething in my own thoughts… woohoo.

The boys are on a school trip, so Nancy and I are on our own. Normally this perspective would put me in a joyful-joyful mood, but somehow right now I wish I had time for myself, for I know I'm about to be very bad company.

I decide to occupy myself with fixing what needs to be fixed around. Nancy comes back in the living room, but she occupies herself leaving me alone. I know my rejection hurt her earlier, but now she's giving me time on my own I suppose.

We spend hours in the same room without exchanging a single word. I can't manage to cool off. Something's wrong, now if I could know what then maybe I'll be able to gain some self control again.

"You're not going to work?" Nancy asks me as she sits next to me on the couch. After all my attempts to busy myself I ended up on the couch again.

"I've maxed out overtime, I have the four next days off," I answer shortly. She nods in response. The silence is heavy between us. I think that for the first time I feel awkward around her. "Did the boys call?"

"They did actually, they were a bit disappointed not to talk to you."

"Bummer," I curse.

"They should call back later," she adds.

"Cool," I state.

Silence falls upon us again. I think that only now I understand what was bothering me. I need to confide in someone about those things going in my mind. Trouble is that my lover is the sister of the friend I'm concerned about. I can't really say anything without breaking anyone's confidence or creating a difficult situation. I sigh.

Now I don't hide from Nancy, I put an honour point not to ever do so. I've kept my word so far, and I don't intend on breaking it now. And here's what was disturbing me so much, the fact that I can't keep that for myself. I mean not telling her about the kiss would be like giving it much more importance than it actually has. But that kiss didn't mean anything right?

And even I know that in spite of the circumstance if I tell Nancy I'm screwed because something will be broken between us. On the other hand if I don't tell her anything then I'll feel like a liar doubled with an asshole.

Actions have consequence, this is the first and biggest lesson one ever learns. I sigh again, time for me to choose what I'm going to do. To tell her or not to tell her that is the question. What am I thinking? Of course I'm going to tell her the truth. I'm in love with her, I've not doubt about that, then there's no way I can keep that away from her. Otherwise I won't be able to look at her in the eyes again or even kiss her again without feeling like shit. Even though I know Catherine was drunk when she kissed me and that it meant nothing, I feel guilty. Guilty for not reacting fast enough, and guilty because somehow I feel like there was a way for me to avoid this.

Nancy is silent next to me. I know she won't push me to talk, but I also know that it hurts her for me to be so closed up. She reaches out to caress my neck. This is her silent gesture to let me know that she's there and won't go anywhere; that she'll be there when I'm ready.

"Cath stood me up today," I state, not really knowing how to start this conversation. I look at her and she frowns.

"That's not like her."

"No it's not. I was worried so I went to her place," I sigh.

Nancy senses my hesitation and her soothing movement on my neck stops but her hands rests there. "Babe?"

"She blew me off. I stood there offering comfort again. She jumped on me and then blew me off again," I confess. I feel the heat of her hand leaving my neck slowly.

"She jumped on you? What do you mean?" she asks with a flat tone.

"She grabbed and kissed me," I elaborate. The words are burning my mouth. I feel so ashamed of myself right now.

"She kissed you…" she echoes.

"She was drunk, I could have been anybody. " I stress out the most important part here.

"What did you do?" Nancy asks me with a voice I never known her to have yet: bitterness. I turn to her and feel hurt for her to even ask me this, she looking ahead of her.

"I kissed her back," I say scornfully. Her head snaps in my direction but I don't give her time to say anything. "I pushed her away! What question is that?" I ask surprised and hurt.

"Don't you take it out on me," she actually growls. Nancy has a really peaceful nature. No matter the situation she'll keep her temper. She seldom gets angry, but when she does…

"Don't you dare take it out on me!" she repeats aggressively before standing up. "I should have known. Habits die hard," she snorts. "Go, do just like everyone before," she spits. "I should have know you wouldn't be the exception."

"What are you talking about? She was drunk for goodness' sake!" I reply.

"Oh so had she been cleaned you would have had your way, fantastic," she chuckles bitterly.

Don't ask me why but it's only now that I see the family resemblance. Now that I'm arguing with Nancy, I can't help but think about the numerous fight Cath and I had in the past. They are different yet so alike, when you really think about it.

"Don't put words in my mouth! This is not what I'm saying!"

"Then what? Oh let me guess, you slipped on the carpet and hung yourself back by capturing her lips? Or better yet you temporarily lost your mind and had this urge to grope her? Or it was just an experiment: try the sisters out and pick the best!"

"You're twisting my words! She was drunk and jumped on me like she would have jumped on any stranger. I wasn't cheating or kissing her! Damn it Nancy, I'm faithful!" I shout back.

"Yes you are. In fact you're so faithful that some hours ago your lips were glue on my sister's, really convincing. You know what? We mustn't have the same notion of faithfulness," she

"She jumped on me!"

"Right and you are the poor and innocent party in this," she replies sarcastically. "Just put everything on her back that's really mature, one detail though, you were sober."

"I didn't see it coming! I pushed her back! It wasn't intentional!"

"I hope you enjoyed it!"

"What the hell? Nancy I…" I start to shout again, then sigh. I take a step forward. "Babe, I didn't mean it to happen and I pushed her back. I love you and I would never…"

"Don't 'babe' me," she snorts "You love me? Nice way to show it? Then what, for our one year anniversary you'll get in her bed to remind me how much you love me?!" she says with rage.

"What?! You make it sound like I had an affair! I haven't and never will! Nance…" I start to put my hand on her shoulder but she slaps it away.

"Don't you dare touch me. Stay the hell away from me," she says through her teeth. I can see tears threatening to spill from her eyes. I try once more to get closer but she steps away once more "Get the hell away from me!" she says more harshly, then she turns away to the corridor "Just go find her, I don't give a damn!" and with that she slams the door of our bedroom.

I go after her and try to get in only to find the door lock. "Nancy, babe….please," I plead

"Leave me alone! Better yet get out of here. Get the fuck out of this house!" she screams through her tears.

I turn the doorknob in vain. I hear her crying and sobbing, I feel a big shard in my heart making it bleed abundantly. I let it go and lean against the wall facing the door and let myself slide down on the floor. I bury my head in my hands.

Fuck, what have I done?

xxxxx

In spite of her order for me to leave the house I stayed. I got up from the floor 5 minutes ago. I gave up trying to talk to Nancy, but I did listen to her crying inside our room and feel like shit to know I'm the reason for all this pain.

I lie on the couch and try to reassure myself that there's still a chance for this situation to go better. Tears have been falling from my eyes silently. They say ignorance is bliss sometimes, sure Nancy would be better not knowing now but then my silence about this would have dig our grave – not to mention if she learned it another way. I know I did right telling her. Yet I might lose her and that mere thought kills me.

I put one arm above my eyes and close them, cutting myself from the world. I don't know how much time passes but I know from the depression of light that it's dark night now. I'm slightly startled by some new weight on me. Nancy? She shifts herself to be more comfortable, snuggling as far as she can on me.

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

"Hush. Sleep now, talk later," she replies before kissing my neck. I kiss her head and then let the silence taking back its reign. I hold tight onto Nancy afraid that if I didn't she'd let go of me.

xxxxx

I open my eyes and close them again immediately. One of the qualities of Nancy's living room – and house as a matter of fact, is that it's luminous. On a bright day, the house always seems so full of life, it's peaceful to be inside.

I try to open my eyes again but I do it slow this time, giving myself some time to get used to the light. My arms are still around Nancy and I can't help pulling her close to me. The memory of our fight is still fresh and painful. Thought we slept in each other's arms I am more than afraid to lose everything in a few moments.

"Morning," she whispers, not moving from her spot.

I kiss her head lovingly "Morning," I echo.

We stay still for a long, silent and peaceful moment. I suppose both of us need time to think and probably realize that the situation is uncertain.

She takes a deep breath and then lifts her head up a little and looks at me intently. She opens her mouth several time to say something but nothing comes out. Finally she just moves enough to deliver a kiss on my lips. One kiss to mean one thing only, she loves me. Better yet, she **still** loves me. She pulls back and we look at each other, our eyes silently speaking for our hearts.

Silently she gets up and goes in the kitchen. I sit up and then stand to join her. We prepare breakfast in silent, processing this daily ritual with a perfection we manage to acquire from all the time we've been together.

Once everything is settle we seat around the table next to each other and start having breakfast in a peaceful silence.

"My sister has always been the pretty one," she says out of the blue. I look at her but don't say anything, feeling that she needs her time to talk this through. "She's always been someone with confidence and personality. Put her in the middle of strangers and she will be the one to go to them and break the ice; she'll put everyone at ease. She's the model everyone wants to follow, the one everyone wants to be like. Sure sometimes her confidence is all bluff, but she never shows it. And though she might not realize it, I admire her, I always did," she smiles fondly.

Her look is a bit distant, then she looks at me again. "With her strong personality it was hard to walk in her footsteps, because I was pale in comparison. Now of course it's different, but then…" she chuckles. "It's funny because there was a time I couldn't tell if the boys I was dating, were with me because they wanted to be with me or just because they wanted to be closer to her."

A bulb lights up in my head. Some words Cath says comes back to me now 'I didn't give her ground to trust me with her lovers in the past'. Now I understand her reaction last night, no wonder.

"When she wants something and sets her mind on it, she has it. Several times her mind set on my partner. Even though it hurt badly at the time, a part of myself thought that I was responsible too; that I hadn't done the right thing to keep them with me. I don't want to lose you like this," her voice is a whisper.

"Baby, it wasn't like this…" I try.

"I know. Once I cooled off I took time to think about what you said and…this is the way it happened right?" she asks insecure.

"Yeah." I answer truthfully.

She nods "It just…hit close home, you know?"

"I understand," I reply. I get up from my chair and kneel in front of her, I take on of her hands in mine and put the both against my heart. I look at her, trying to convey my love silently. "I know I'm far from perfect, I'm stupid sometimes and make mistakes. But there are a few things I don't ever want you to doubt. You make me happy and complete; you give me everything I need and want, and I love you with all that I am. Just like I told you," I say then touching the pendant I gave her for our six months anniversary "Your heart and mine making one and nothing else matters."

She nods and sheds some silent tears. "I'm not going anywhere. I love you, and you're stuck with me," I tell her firmly as I whip her tears with my thumb. "I love you," I repeat. I kiss her fiercely for I want her to feel all my love.

Soon we find ourselves in our room tearing our clothes off, making love passionately.

xxxxx

"Knock, knock," I hear coming from the door way.

I tear my self from the screen I've been working on for the past hours, and find Catherine on the threshold of 'my' lab. "Hey," I say after a minute of silence. I couldn't define my tone, I don't know if it's friendly or distant.

"Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure, although I doubt a minute will do," I answer turning to my screen again.

Nancy and I spend four days talking about what happened, mostly I reassured her and stressed the fact that it wasn't an intentional kiss. I also made her promise not to ever mention this to Cath or resent any grudge against her. Cath was drunk, and it is inhuman to beat a dead horse… right? Now all that's left is for me to settle things straight with Catherine. And truth to be told I was dreading this moment.

Cath sits next to me and though I'm not looking at her I can feel her gaze on me. The silence is awkward and electric. "You don't have any feelings for me, do you?" I ask her flatly with my eyes glue on the screen. My tone suggests that it's more a statement than a question. I type my last words then turn to her as she hasn't answered my question.

"No, of course not," she answers firmly looking at me in the eyes. "Look, I know I have done and said stupid things the other day and I wanted to apologize about it."

"Apology accepted," I say turning once again to my screen. I still feel her gaze on me, so I look at her again "Anything else?"

"Yes. I'm truly sorry, and I hope we're still friends," her tone is soft yet insecure.

"I'm here for you, I hope you know that," I tell her. This is probably the heart of the issue. I think a part of me resent her for not confiding in me when she really needs it.

"I know, I just…it's difficult to talk lately," she confesses.

I smile a little "We're cool, don't worry."

She smiles brightly and sighs in relief "Good."

We stare at each other for a long moment. She breathes deep and breaks the eye contact "So what are you working on?"

"Uh…" I sigh before starting to explain her what I've been doing for half of the shift.

I suppose that things are settled now. Everything is for the best in the best world.

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**For those who believed I would break Nancy and Sara this way...you don't know me, I don't do easy. Next chap soon you have my word.**

**Thanks for reading.**


	24. Chapter 24

**Hey everyone, thanks for your reviews, you're the sweetest. Here's the new chap,**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: Thank you so much **scuby** for helping in my researches and for putting up with my bad grammar (I swear one day I'll know how not to make faults anymore...or at least not as much :p)**

FloatingInMoon**, you're not completely wrong but not totally right either...(cryptic I know but...) ;)**

* * *

**Chapter 24: Catherine**

I lied to Sara. She asked me a question, I looked her straight in the eye and lied. I don't like lying, though I know that sometimes a little white lie is best for everybody. But this wasn't a little white lie. It was a big fat lie, the worst of all the lies I could have told. She took me by surprise. I mean, I know she's blunt as a general rule, but I didn't see this one coming, besides her tone didn't leave me with many choices regarding my answer.

'You don't have any feelings for me, do you?' she questioned. I say question, but it was more a statement. Okay, so you think I'm making excuses. You always have the choice, sure actions have consequences – nothing new under the sun here – but no matter what situation you are facing, you always have choices. So yes, I could have told her the truth, that yes I actually have feelings for her; that no they're not just a phase; that yes I think I could give her much more than she has right now – but it's just my opinion; that yes if giving one of my kidneys away or hell even an arm was the price to pay to be with her then I'd give any of those in a heartbeat, I'd even add limbs if necessary.

But let's face it. We're not living in some happy ending stories where the hero always survives and lives ever after with the one he loves. This is the real life and in the real life confessing to Sara all those things would mean hurting my sister, possibly losing a friend and hating myself until the end of time. So, I lied. I told her 'no.' No, I don't have any feelings for her; no, those feeling aren't so powerful that it hurts every time I breathe and kills me whenever I see her in the arms of my sister; no, those feelings aren't so real that they make me sick.

Me? Having feelings for Sara Sidle? Ridiculous, where the hell did you get this idea?

Yeah…I wonder.

I admit that there was a time when I only cared about myself, to hell with the others. Now though I have a conscience, and there's no way I could have kept on looking Nancy in the eyes if I had so much as considered telling Sara the truth.

I spend my whole shift locked in my office. Sara didn't question my behavior, she probably thought I was feeling guilty for my behavior the last time we saw each other. Which is true, I do feel guilty, but the reason I stayed in my office was because was that I didn't feel up to pretending and smiling like life was okay. All I wanted was to do was cry because the way she asked me if I had feelings for her revealed one thing, that if I did have feelings I could choke and die on it because there was no room in her heart for them.

I decide to clock out a bit early, not that I'm really eager to get home, but more that I'm eager to be as far away as possible from Sara sooner than later.

I get in my car and turn on the CD player, hoping that Lindsey's last choice wasn't too bad.

'_You love her….but she loves him… and he loves somebody else… you just can't win. And so it goes until the day you die… this thing you call love is going to make you cry…'_ a guy starts to sing above the guitars. _'...all I can say is: Love stinks!'_

Now that sounds so familiar to me, story of my life kiddo. What do we call this again? Oh yeah, cruel irony.

I can't help chuckling bitterly at this song, I mean except for some pronouns which are off, you'd think this song has been written for me. But the guy who wrote this was a genius because he knew what he was talking about.

Love stinks!

xxxxx

So hours turn into days, which turn into weeks, which turn into months. For me, it's just the same shit, different day. I'm still in love with Sara, and every morning I'm wishing for two things. Either waking up in Sara's arms wrapping me from behind, her raining kisses on my shoulder just to say good morning; or I wish I wake up and not have those stupid feelings for a woman I'll never have. Instead of that, I wake up alone with an aching chest, depressed and in love.

Let's see the bright side of things.

Yes it's a purely sarcastic statement. There is no such thing as a bright side of things. Wait, actually there is, I'm doomed to rot in the Hell of unrequited love but things could be worse, so yes, there's a bright side after all. Anyway, back on track…

I was saying that the 'bright side' of it all was that I'm improving my ability to hide the fact that I'm dying little by little. I smile a lot – I even mastered the 'genuine yet fake smile' – I'm always joking around and in a good mood. I'm always there for everyone, so much that people think that I'm in full bloom. They're all asking me to give them some of the 'happy pills' I'm taking. If only they knew.

But my little tricks only work when I'm not alone. Put me by myself in a room and I'm suffocating with the ache in my chest which always gets tenfold.

Maybe one day I'll be so used to feeling this way that I won't hurt anymore. I tried to go out with people, even have some dates. But each one of those were bad for one reason, even if my dates were fun, smart, good looking and well educated, they missed the essential. They weren't Sara. If only human cloning was allowed, and even then I'd only get a tasteless copy of the original, so I wouldn't feel any less depressed.

Well, basically I'm further in the mess of my feelings than I was months ago.

There's a knock on my office door cutting my musing. I lift my head to watch my visitor. My heartbeat increases and I get light-headed, as you can guess the object of my affection is standing right there on my threshold. "Is it a bad time?" she asks me with a smile that makes me weak in my knees.

"Never," I answer honestly with a smile of my own. Being head over heels in love with her makes me smile whenever she's around and talking to me.

We managed to get over the 'drunk kiss' I forced her into months ago. And now things are as good as they can be. "Come on in and have a seat."

She enters and closes the door behind her before sitting on one of the chairs in front of me. She looks a bit nervous, or rather uncertain how to formula her point. She chuckles then sighs. "Okay, here it goes," she mumbles more to herself than to me. She looks at me with determination. "There's something very important I need to talk you about. So I was wondering if you didn't already have plans for breakfast today," she says holding her breath.

Like I said, I've been there for everybody and widened my web of acquaintance, so I've had breakfast with almost everyone working at the lab – except Ecklie, that goes without saying and that's probably the only thing I wouldn't do even if it was the condition to ever be with Sara – so I have a lot of invitations for breakfast. But it's Sara we're talking about here. I mean, even if the King himself would have come down from heaven and asked me for breakfast, I would have cancelled on him in a heartbeat, after all he might be the King, but he's not Sara.

"I don't. Something's wrong?" I ask her out of concern.

"No, don't worry. It's just really important."

"Okay, well, I'll be there," I tell her with my brightest smile.

"Great," she beams and I feel my heart exploding. Damn.

I spend my whole shift wondering what is so important that she's nervous. Sara is not easily nervous. My mind is on overdrive. If I believed in Santa Claus, then I'd think that she woke up this morning with this huge revelation: she's madly in love with me. So she decided to break up with Nancy and to come and live with me.

Now, back in the real world, I'd say I'm worried that something is wrong and that she's about to give me very bad news.

After hours of pointless thinking I gave up on my guessing game. I'll know soon what's going on anyway. My shift goes pretty quickly and soon it is time to get out of here. Sara left me a message saying that she'd join me in our usual spot.

I arrive at the diner and order for the both of us. Sara arrives five minutes after me. She smiles as soon as she sees me. I don't think I've mentioned this before, but in those moments I pretend that we are on a date, the world disappears, there's nothing but us. We tease each other, laugh together, touch each other's hand and so on. You know, if it wasn't for the fact that when we're done she goes to sleep in my sister's bed, we could really call this a date. I know though, that it's only my twisted vision of things. Sara is nothing but friendly toward me, but our breakfasts are my little ray of sunshine, my 'Sara fix.'

"Hey there, hope I didn't make you wait too long," she says sitting across me.

"No, don't worry. I already ordered," I inform her.

"Awesome, I'm starving," she chuckles.

We start to talk about everything and nothing, having fun like every other time. I get myself drunk with all she is, her laugh, her sparkling eyes, the little noise she makes when she expresses herself. For a few precious moments, she's mine.

"So what was this very important thing you wanted to talk to me about?" I ask, not being able to wait any longer.

"Oh that," she sighs. "Okay, well hmm…"

"Sara?"

"You might not know it, but in a month and a half, it will be a year since Nancy and I have been together…as a couple I mean," she stutters.

I gap like a fish for three long seconds before realizing that I should probably say something. "Wow…congratulations," I reply with a smile even though I feel like she had just taken her coffee spoon and carved my heart out of my chest.

"Yeah, thanks," she blushes.

"Time flies fast," I state. So it's been a year? Fucking hell!

"Tell me about it."

"Is that all you wanted to tell me?" I ask. Is that it? She just wanted to show off?

"No…well, it's a big event, for me at least, and I want to celebrate."

"Okay…still I don't see how it concerns me," I say. I'm having difficulties breathing. I have a lump in my throat and it takes a lot of self-control not to cry.

One year? And they're still living a perfect relationship. I think I could have gone on without this piece of information.

"I actually have a big plan. But I need your help, because I'm not sure I'll be able to sort everything by myself," she says in a breath.

She wants me to organize a day which will celebrate her one year anniversary with another woman? What is this? A joke? Ha ha ha, there I laughed. I stare at Sara and apparently she's serious. "How exactly do you want me to help you?" I ask against all reason. There was something in my food making me feel funny, that or I'm crazy, completely crazy. Oh no sorry, I meant I'm in love.

"There's a new restaurant where I want to take Nance, but I want to be sure she'll like it and it's not like I could ask her to come and taste the food. So…my idea was for you and I to have a test date. We dress up and go have a dinner there," she explains. "That and then there's the whole organization."

"So what's your plan?" I ask.

"You're up to it?"

I take another three seconds to think and sigh, "That's what friends are here for, right?"

She sighs in relief. "Thank you so much."

Why am I doing this to myself? Maybe for this little sparkle in her eyes saying she's happy and that right now I know I'm the one who put it there. That and also because I'm crazy. I'm crazy in love with the woman.

"So explain to me this big plan of yours," I tell her. She leans closer toward me and starts to talk in a low tone as if she was sharing the most well kept secret in the world.

xxxxx

I'm fretting around the house, getting ready for Sara. We're going out on a date. Well, not a real date, it's a test date, but the key word for me is 'date.' And I intend on behaving like it was one, dressing myself to the nines. I want her to see all I could give her, what she's missing. I'm nervous, really nervous. I want everything to be perfect. I bought a new dress, had my hair done, well, I did everything one would do for an important date.

I hear the bell ringing and feel my heart pounding in my chest. I take one last look at the mirror making sure I'm decent and head downstairs. I take a deep breath, put on my best smile and then open the door. Sara's smile fades away as she sees me, in fact her jaw drops. I can't help but feel my heart swelling with pride.

Sara looks at me and does a nice imitation of a fish out of water, seems like I made her speechless. She has a hard time blinking. She tries to speak, but only small incoherent sounds come out of her mouth. I feel myself blushing at her appreciative stare. "Wow…" she finally breathes out. "You are…wow"

I smile brightly, she thinks I'm 'wow.' I don't think I've ever felt as flattered as I do right now, nor have I felt as beautiful as she makes me feel right at this moment.

"Here, that's for you," she says before offering me a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I'm surprised to say the least.

"Come on in. Let me put those in the water."

I would have never thought she'd treat tonight like a real date. I put the flowers in a vase and soon I'm next to her again. She offers me her arm as we walk to the car.

We go to a nice French restaurant which just opened. The food is excellent and we're having a perfect dinner. There's a mood is light and fun and there's even some flirting – though she's just kidding that I can tell. Sara has a dry sense of humour so if you don't know her well you could mistake her joking tone with seriousness. And as if it was an unspoken agreement, we don't ever mention Nancy once. For a precious evening, she's with me and just me.

So this is what I'm missing? This is what Sara is like when she's out on a date? Damn, I hope Nancy realizes how lucky she is.

Sara is charming, gentle, and funny. I love the way her eyes sparkle when she's joking or teasing me. There's a lock of her hair that always falls into her eye. I love the way she struggles with it to stay behind her ear. I love all of her a little expressions that only those who really look at her can see. I'm the center of her attention, she's looking at me, talking with me, smiling for me, laughing for me, she's all mine.

Time unfortunately flies fast when you're having fun. Soon it's time for her to take me back home. We haven't stopped talking all night. She's been treating me like a princess. It hurts to know that soon the fairy tale is about to end.

Sara parks in my driveway and I don't get a chance to turn around and tell her goodbye before she gets out of the car to open my door. I exit the car and once more she offers me her arm. She walks me to my door and we both have matching smiles. We stop at my front door and face each other. That's the part where I'd be trying to give myself courage to claim a kiss. My whole body is yearning for that kiss. Sara and I stare at each other. It takes all that I have not to lean in to brush my lips against hers. I take a step closer to her and reach out a hand to put her lock of hair back in place. She smiles at me softly, I let my hand linger against her cheek, we don't break the eye contact. So close, yet so far. I sigh and take a step back before losing all the restrain I have. "Thank you for tonight. It was fun," I tell her.

"Yeah. Thanks for helping me out."

We keep on staring at each other in this uncertain moment. She starts to lean in and I stay still as if I'm petrified. She kisses me on the cheek and then hugs me, "Goodnight Cath."

She pulls away from me and then turns to go back in her car. I go inside m house and lock the door behind me. There's this big ache in my heart, but I can't help smiling when I see the flowers on my table, the only reminder that this wasn't a dream.

xxxxx

So I spend my next month and half helping Sara to make the perfect evening. Then I thought that it could be an occasion for me to spoil Sara without her questioning my motives, so I came up with some surprises of my own. Just thinking about the way her eyes will probably sparkle at my surprises and the smile she'll wear when she sees everything and to know that it will all be because of me makes it worth it.

I'm living by proxy through this event, I know it and you might think I'm pathetic. You're right, I am, but I don't care. This is the closest I'll ever get to making the woman I'm in love with happy. I'll be damned if I let this occasion pass me by.

xxxxx

Nancy and I had breakfast together today. She was still walking on clouds from the night Sara and I had spent so much time preparing. Yes, I'm jealous as hell to know that Nancy was the one sharing that special night with Sara. Yet, I just had to close my eyes and imagine I was the one there and not Nancy. Actually, I went to work smiling, picturing that night as if I had been there.

I'm about to go out of my office for a new fresh cup of coffee when I almost run into Sara. I'm startled and take a step back as she comes in. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," she offers.

I chuckle, "It's okay."

She turns around, closes and locks the door of my office, then she shuts the blinds. Don't ask me why but her behaviour scares me a little. "Uh, Sara? What are you doing?" I ask uncertainly.

She turns to look at me and I notice that she's nervous. "I need to have a moment with you… a private moment."

"Okay," I reply. I turn to put my mug on my desk then face her again. We stare at each other for a moment. She doesn't move nor say anything, which only makes me more suspicious.

Suddenly it's like life had returned to her. She walks to me and takes me in her arms, the force of the movement almost knocks us both but I get some balance back in time. She's holding me enough to cut my breath but I don't complain, because I feel so many feelings being expressed through this embrace.

It takes me some time, but eventually my arms come to wrap her. I let out a little laugh at her enthusiasm. I feel her lips kissing my neck twice then she pulls back. "Thank you. I wanted this day to be special and you made it exceptional. It was….thank you…for everything," she says breathless.

She's looking at me with an intense look, so intense that it's uncomfortable. I feel naked, like she could see through me. "You're welcome," I breathe out.

"I'll never cease to be grateful for what you did and if you ever need anything from me, just say it."

I snort a bit. "It was nothing," I dismiss her gratitude.

She fishes in her pocket and produces a black velvet box. She extends her hand toward me, "I got you a little something."

I take the box silently, stunned at her gesture. I open it with shaky fingers and discover a silver necklace with a pink pendant in the shape of a drop. I feel the air leaving my lungs at the sight.

"It's rose quartz," Sara says.

I look at her suddenly remembering that she's there. I nod silently and then look back at the jewel in my hands. Sara's hands cover mine. Then she takes the box away from me. She takes the necklace out of the box and puts the box on my desk. She steps closer to me, so close there's barely air between us. She leans in and puts the necklace around my neck. Her fingertips trail on the chain caressing my skin in a feather light touch. I close my eyes and feel my skin burning where her breath is touching it. She leans slowly and kisses the chain on my neck, I gasp at the sensation; and then pull back but our faces are still only inches away. I open my eyes again. I can feel her hot breath on my lips. She looks at my eyes and then at my lips. She leans a bit and then stops a tiny gap away from my lips. Our breaths are mingling, they're hollow and quick. I just have to lift my lips a little to kiss her. My heart and my body are literally aching for this contact, but I'm petrified. She doesn't want this. She's high, and once whatever she's on will have worn out she'll regret this. If we ever kiss, I want it to mean something.

I fix her lips, licking mine against my will "You should go," I whisper. Every word burns my tongue, but I can't bring myself to get what I want the most.

"Yeah, you're right," she whispers back not moving an inch. She blinks her eyes, as if to break whatever spell was between us and pulls away. She looks at me again but this time with a bit of embarrassment. "I'm…"

I put my fingers over her lips before she finishes her statement. "Don't. Please don't," I beg. She nods and then looks at the pendant around my neck. My heart is beating so fast that I'm sure she can see it bouncing a little in rhythm with my heartbeat.

Her fingertips brush over the drop, I close my eyes at the light contact with my skin. "It looks nice," she says absentmindedly. She shakes her head lightly and focuses on my eyes again. "I should… go… see you later," she stutters.

I nod silently and watch her leave my office. I'm rooted on my spot and can't understand for the life of me what happened. Her words swirl in my mind. If I ever need anything from her, I just have to say it.

"I need you to love me like I love you Sara. I need it so bad it hurts" I whisper in my empty office.

* * *

**The song is _'Love Stinks'_ by the J. Geils' Band.**

**I'll try not to make you wait too long for the next chap.**

**Thanks for reading. **


	25. Chapter 25

**Hey everyone, first thanks for your reviews! Then I'm sorry for the delay but this chap was really hard to write. It's a bit weird and some of you might hate me for it.**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

* * *

**Chapitre 25: Sara**

I take long strides to the parking lot. I get in the confines of my car and lock myself. I start to drive away from the lab and the city as fast as I can.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

I nearly kissed Catherine! Damn me!

My stupidity is more like a disease and it has a name: Temptation, with a capital T.

Have you ever noticed? It's always when you can afford it that new opportunities show up. The thing is that we're not talking about a new job somewhere here or a special offer on a car. We're talking about me opening my eyes on the fact that Cath and I could be good together. I'm not really considering the possibility because I'm with Nancy. That being said I'm human hence me being weak and hence me acting like an ass and almost kissing Catherine. If it wasn't for my stupid test date idea, I would have never been struck by temptation.

I always find Catherine attractive, well duh, I've got eyes. She as an easy beauty, just look at the way she dominates a room. But then for me there was nothing to it. She was good looking, so what? I hated her guts. We weren't getting along and as far as I was concerned she was a know it all bitch who's only purpose was to get to my nerve – a task she was good at. Now things are different. She's human, and this easy beauty has faded away to let place to her real beauty. Sure she's far from being perfect yet, she's beautiful as a person.

Ever since we're friend I've started to enjoy her company and her fiery temper, but even then I've never had thought that went beyond the limit of friendship. Now though there's this nagging thought in the back of my mind.

I asked Cath to help me settling my special date with Nancy, because we were celebrating our one year anniversary. Anyway, I asked Cath to come with me in a restaurant for a test date. That's when the seed of stupidity was sowed in my mind. I found myself starting to think 'what if I had asked Cath to go out a long time ago?' Because that night at the restaurant was really perfect. I guess it was also a realisation of the opportunity I missed, but then again a year ago the idea of being more than friend with Catherine had never so much as crossed my mind.

And she made my anniversary night with Nancy exceptional. Imagine my surprise when a limo was at my door, or all the little attention she gave to details. Nancy was on a cloud but so was I. So I thought I had to give her something in return. I bought her a necklace with a pendant. I put it around her neck and then I don't know, there was this tiny part of me wanting to know what it would be like to taste her lips, but then reason call me back. And I stop myself short from doing something really stupid while being sober.

Temptation.

You know you can't have something so you want it. Thing is I don't really want Catherine, yet the idea to be with her don't repulse me. I really don't want Catherine, I guess my behaviour was just misplaced curiosity. And thanks heaven Cath was thinking straight. I was caught in the moment. I know I don't have feelings for Catherine. Attraction, she's attractive, I think my nearly stupid move proved that I was well aware of this fact.

I'm not in denial. I mean Catherine doesn't make me feel like Nancy does. So yes there's this chemistry bubbling up between Catherine and myself but I believe it's a normal step when you're getting close from someone. There's this period of uncertainty where you're seeing all the opportunities available and you decide of the direction the relationship will take.

Still I can't believe I lost my mind for some precious seconds. I nearly ruin the best thing I have, my relationship with Nancy.

Fuck Sidle, can't you use this jelly you dare call a brain?!

xxxxx

After a three hour drive, I come back in town and finally decide to go home.

I hug and kiss the boys hello and ask about their morning, planning with them our day together – it's Saturday so generally we try to have a family activity. I kiss Nancy and let her know that I miss her. I help making breakfast and don't get too far from her because I need to feel connected to her in every possible way.

I spend most of the breakfast listening to the boys talking and Nancy playing with them. It's a wake up call telling me to leave this obsession about what could have been behind and focus on what is. Cath and I could have been good together, Nancy and I are good together. And I don't want to jeopardize that. It's a shame when you think about it, things aren't easy. Besides the idea of Cath and I is just a fantasy, if nothing else. I mean we did have what would have been a perfect date, yet I can't say being together would have worked. You can't judge if a relationship will work or not out of a single date.

A part of me regrets not to have the opportunity to find out if it would have work. That's always what happens when you feel you missed something. But mostly I'm happy and complete with what I have. So my little lapse of judgement this morning made me realized how precious was what I have.

Some of you will call me a coward, hiding behind what I have not to take any risk. You're wrong, you can't just take a chance with every little inspiration you have. Just because you want to see what will happen if you jump out a window doesn't mean you have to try. See what I mean? Just because I'd like to know if Cath and I would have worked together as a couple doesn't mean I have to try and see. It's one of those things I'll never know.

I'm not in denial. I've admitted that I was attracted to Cath and being close to her gave me more reasons to believe that had things been different we would have been good together. But Cath doesn't make me feel like Nancy. This morning when I almost kissed her I won't deny my heart was beating fast and that my body was tingling in anticipation. But before that very instant she never made me feel like Nancy. She never made my head spin with just one smile nor made me feel giddy nor did she ever make me crave for her touch and comfort.

So that's it then? I've been tempted by temptation and failed to resist – lucky me Cath wasn't under this spell as well. Now everything is clear again in my head. I want to be with Nancy, this is where I belong, and I'd have to be crazy to give up all this.

"You're okay?" Nancy asks me caressing my hand wit hers. "You've been awfully quiet." I look at her hand and play with the ring I gave her for our anniversary with my thumb. My heart beats faster as I take in the meaning of this, and start to think about our year together, everything that this ring symbolise. 'For this year of happiness and hopefully more to come', those were my words and I meant them with all me heart. No doubt this is where I belong.

I look at her with a smile and fondness. I get up a little from my chair and kiss her softly on the lips. "Perfect."

She smiles in response while the boys tease us. Nancy's surprised by my behaviour but I think that she's not the only one, I was having a hard time too to try and understand myself. Now that I do though I can focus again on what's important.

xxxxx

You'd think that after a year your relationship with your partner is bullet proof, I'm starting to find out that no. Or it's more like Nancy and I had dodge every bullet so far only now the fire is getting intense and we have to double our effort. Two months ago we were celebrating our one year together and now we're struggling to keep everything under control. And it seems that everything is fighting against us. Work is becoming erratic and at home I have more and more responsibilities – which is very good, it means that I'm an official member – yet it's a bit hard for me to keep up.

I won't complain too much, I have help. I have Nancy to confide in about everything. And I have extra help from Catherine. After the 'drunk kiss' and my lapse of judgement episode, we were even I guess. Anyway, we moved on and now she's as much in my life as Nancy is, which make me feel complete. We're a bit less touchy around one another though. We still hug sometimes and provide comfort to each other when need be. But we're not as touchy as before, and for once I'm not the one rejecting the touch. Cath is the one who pull the brakes as far as our affection display were concern. I didn't ask her why and just adapt myself to her.

Relationship is a lot of work. I knew that before off course. Somehow though, with Nancy everything went so smoothly with barely any obstacles, hence me forgetting that there was any effort to make. Everything was so evident and went so naturally that I didn't feel like making effort at all. Now though everyday seems like a mountain to climb, needless to say that sometimes things are a little tensed at home.

Tense, sweet understatement.

xxxxx

"…I can't believe it! Sara I asked you many times if you could do this, every time you said you would take care of it. And now you're telling me that you forgot?!"

"Nancy I was busy with work…"

"So what? Do you really think you're the only one who has a lot of work to deal with.? Sara when you engage yourself to do something, I expect you to hold onto your word. You said you'd take care of it!"

"I forgot okay, there's a lot in my mind and I just forgot!" I shout back.

Nancy and I are having an argument. It's a regular thing lately. I'm responsible for this one but the others were more about stupid things. We're having a hard time to communicate.

"I've been reminding you to do this everyday for the last three weeks! Explain me how you forgot!"

"Nancy, we've been working on a case that…"

"I don't care Sara! I don't care about your case, about your job! You failed doing something important and now Jeremy can't go on a camp! Every morning I asked you if you did take care of it and if you wanted me to do it but no, all you said was 'I got it, don't worry, I know, I won't forget'. Now you come to me and say you forgot? You've got to be kidding me!" she spits.

"I'm sorry!"

"Oh and that solves the problem doesn't it?"

"It's not what I'm saying… Damn it I know I screwed up…"

"Don't you swear in this house!!" she cuts me off upset.

"I am sorry, I'll see if I can do something. Now please stop bothering me with this!" I say harshly. I've come to the end of my rope with this argument. We've been screaming at each other for the last 30 min and I can't take it anymore.

"You want me to stop bothering you? Sara it's not the first time you're putting your job above anything else. You're a member of this family and as such this family is your priority so if you can't understand that and take your responsibilities then we have a problem because…"

Okay, now I'm pissed. I don't need to hear this, to hear that I'm a failure. I know I do mistakes but I'm learning and Nancy's been harassing me with my inability to conceal my job with my responsibilities as far as our relationship is concerned. How hard is it to understand that my job doesn't allow me much time to think about anything else and that trying to bring justice into this world isn't easy? I don't need to have this conversation over and over again.

"I so don't need to hear this now. I'm not coming home to have you patronizing me!" I seethe through my teeth. "I'm going out," I say grabbing my coat and keys.

"That right, get away just like every time because we all know that the solution to our problem is outside!" Nancy says with a sharp tone which only pisses me off more.

I open the door violently only to be stop short. There Catherine is standing still, looking at me with a surprised expression. How long has she been there?

"I feel like I was coming at a bad time," she says.

I don't answer her, just slam the door shut on my way out. "Don't slam the bloody door!!" we hear Nancy screaming, but I don't pay attention.

I know it's childish and that I shouldn't leave her like this when we're having an argument. But lately except for argument I don't feel like we're sharing anything else. Both of our jobs are erratic not to mention taking care of the kids. So in the end we don't spend that much time together. I regret the time when Nancy and I were able to communicate, now we're constantly on the edge so every little thing is ammunition for a new fight.

I drive around in town for hours then I finally come back home when I feel that I've cooled myself off. As soon as I enter the house I see my pillow and a blanket on the couch. Great, things are only getting better.

xxxxx

How did I get there?

I'm sitting on the stairs in front of Catherine's house. I was feeling out of depth after my second shift, and almost against my will I ended up here. I just couldn't bring myself to go home. Now though, I don't know what I'm doing here, so I'm sitting here waiting to know what to do I guess. I tried to knock on the door but somehow my hand never quite reached it. Why am I here anyway?

I hear the door behind me being opened. "Sara?" Cath's voice is full of surprise. She comes next to me since I don't move from my spot and stands in front of me. "Hey, is everything okay?" she asks me. I look at her and feel strange. Her presence has an immediate soothing effect on me. She's wearing a wardrobe and she's holding it tight against her to protect herself from the chilly air. Her feet are bare and she's wearing grey sweat pants with a white tank top.

I try to speak but nothing comes out from my mouth. She sits next to me and we share nothing but silence for a long moment.

"I'm sorry for waking you up," I say.

"You didn't."

"How did you know I was there?" I ask suddenly curious I know I didn't knock on the door.

"I wanted some ice cream , I saw you from the kitchen window," she says with a little chuckle.

"Ice cream? It's 3a.m."

"So?"

I snort with an absent smile "Nothing."

Silence falls upon us again. "What are you doing here?" she asks me gently.

I shake my head and pass a hand on my face "I honestly don't know. I thought I wanted to talk and now I don't know," I answer truthfully.

Catherine doesn't say anything, just waits next to me. We seem to share silence more than anything else, silence heavy with unsaid. Suddenly I feel her hand on mine. I'm not prepared for the sensation it gives me. With such a simple gesture I feel a strong connection. My heart races in my chest and my skin burns at the contact. I can't put words on the gamut of emotion I feel right now, I can't even say if it's right or bad, I just know it makes me feel upside down yet grounded.

I squeeze her hand but keep myself from moving any more, because I feel like if I did, I'd do something really stupid like kissing her for good. I'm still swimming in the 'doubt zone' every now and then when Cath and I are alone. A part of me thinks about the 'possible us' that could have been. And on moments like this I even come to believe that I actually want to be with Cath. But I think it's more linked to the fact that my relationship with Nancy is a bit rocky lately.

I get up from the stair I was sitting on and let go of Cath's hand. I don't need any complication in my life right now. And this line of thinking is nothing but complication. I sigh heavily and turn to her, once more I open my mouth but once more I don't find anything to express what's on my mind.

"Just go Sara, go," she says frustrated.

I get in my car and rest my head on the wheel. I'm an air breath away from playing with fire. I have much more to lose in this game than win, so I really should get my act together.

xxxxx

Not a week passes without Nancy and I having a heated discussion about one thing or another. It's tiring. Even more, it hurts. It scares me because there's this gap between us which only keeps on getting wider and wider. Just like now for example. We're both in the same bed, yet we are world apart. Each of us is sleeping on a side of the bed our bodies not touching. We had a light argument before going to bed and I actually feel lucky I'm not on the couch again – I'm close to make that a habit.

"Honey?" I call Nancy. She's lying next to me and I'm sure I heard crying. I turn to her and take her in my arms. "Baby, what's wrong?" I ask her.

She turns in my arms so her head is now buried in my neck and cries harder. I hold her to me hard and rock her gently. I don't know how long she sobs but it feels like an eternity. I caress her head and kiss it repeatedly. She kisses my neck and then starts to kiss my jaw line. Our lips met in a shaky kiss which only gets more certain and passionate. Soon enough our hands are searching for more contact and our bodies ask to make one.

Our embrace is desperate, as if we were scared that the other was about to disappear. All those fears we've been facing lately only make our love more violent. When Nancy comes her nails dig on my back deeply, and I feel like a ball of fire was burning my chest. We hold onto each other like our lives depended on it.

"I'm so afraid to lose you. Everyday feels like an ordeal. And every argument is making me ache. Sometimes it's like we were a galaxy away from each other and then the next second we are one," Nancy says after a moment, breaking the blissful silence.

"It's been hard to communicate lately," I add.

"I feel like we weren't on the same wavelength anymore."

"I know. We've had a lot to deal with, we're going through a phase. I know I made my job interfere between us and that I made a lot of mistakes, but it's going to change and we're going to be alright. "

"I hope you're right," Nancy answers kissing my neck and snuggling further in me.

"Babe, I'm sure we're going alright," I repeat firmly convincing myself and her as much as possible. "I love you and I'm not giving up."

"I love you too," she replies holding me tight.

xxxxx

It feels like déjà vu. I'm sitting on Catherine porch stairs. Once again I couldn't knock on her door, not that I really tried. Only today it's pouring rain, lucky me I thought about taking my cap.

"Geez, Sara what are you doing? Get inside now!" Catherine screams from behind me. I get up and walk to her house. I don't know why but I have a last hesitation before coming in her house. She's looking at me strangely probably wondering what's wrong, then I get inside.

Catherine disappears in the corridor then comes back after a while with a towel in hands. She starts to dry me up. I stay still just looking at her. "What's wrong?" she asks me, rubbing the towel on my arms. She expects me to answer but my brain is frozen, so I stay silent.

We haven't seen each other that much. I mean it's like we've been avoiding each other, or at least to have time alone. With this uncertain connection between us I supposed it was an unspoken agreement from her and I.

"Come on let me get you some hot coffee," she says leading me to the kitchen. I lean against the island while she leans on the countertop were the coffee pot is brewing. We're staring at a spot, the both of us in our corner. Cath hands me a mug of coffee and then puts distance between us again.

Without warning I start to shake and sob. The next moment Catherine is taking me in her arms and rocking me in a soothing gesture. "I got you," she whispers to me. I hold on her tight and cry myself out. It's good to let it all go.

I end up sleeping on Cath's couch.

xxxxx

I wake up with a hell of a headache. I sit and put my elbows on my knees before burying my face in my hands. I feel someone sitting down next to me. "Here, for your head," Catherine's soft voice says.

I look up and see her hand with two pills and her other hands is offering me a glass of milk. I smile and take the medication. "Thanks for letting me crash here," I say after a long silence.

"You're welcome."

"Nancy thinks I'm closing myself from her," I say breaking the silence again.

"Are you?"

"I just…I can't bring myself to talk to her about what's in my head," I confess.

"Why not?" Catherine frowns.

"How am supposed to do this? Honey today we found the body of a five year old boy in a box….today we found this girl who's been left for dead but survived…what about your day?" I say in a fake joyful tone. "She's lucky enough not to have to face this. I just can't taint her with all this shit. One of us should be able to sleep at night."

"If you keep pushing her away you'll lose her for good," Catherine answers firmly.

"I think I should go home," I say a bit frustrated. I don't need to be lecture, and I don't want to hear this.

"Sara…" she sighs. I turn and look at her expectantly. "Nothing."

I get in my car and wait a while so the cobweb starts to dissipate. I drive back home where I know a nice argument is waiting for me. I didn't call Nancy at all last night. It was a stupid thing to do, but I wasn't thinking that much.

Nancy is in the kitchen when I arrive home. I drop my keys on their usual spot and hang my jacket.

"How hard is it for you to call me?" she mutters upset. "I'm worried sick but you're at my sister not caring about anything but yourself." I get near her and put my hands on her shoulder. She jerks away "Don't!"

"I'm sorry I didn't call. That was stupid."

She turns to me and looks at me with a painful gaze. "We have a problem," she announces me.

"Oh please, not now. I'm not in the mood for this kind of talk…" I sigh heavily, putting my hands over my face.

"That's right, let's not break the good habit," Nancy replies.

"And what is that supposed to mean?" I ask feeling anger stinging me.

"You're not in the mood to talk, somehow it goes without saying. I hate to break it to you but you've stopped talking four months ago, I shouldn't be surprised by now," she chuckles bitterly.

"Whatever," I reply harshly.

"Yeah, whatever," she sighs. "I have a class in an hour," says before, living the kitchen.

xxxxx

I spend the next two days between work and my apartment. If you wondered why I kept my apartment when I was living with Nancy, well Greg needed a place to stay until he found his new place. And until he gets enough money to buy a place I offered him to stay in my apartment. Since Greg moved out two months ago. I use it as an office to work outside the lab, but more accurately, lately it's been an escape from home. I find myself thinking more than I should about my relationship with Nancy. It's like nothing was logical anymore, like her and I weren't on the same planet anymore. Something is telling me that when you think too much about something that should be obvious, you're in trouble. Then again it's a normal thing for couple to go through rough periods. It's a bit like a roller coaster. One day everything goes up and it can go down at any moment, but no matter what it always goes at speed light.

"Coming!" I shout to the door. I wonder who that can be. I look through the peephole and am surprised to see Nancy. "Hey babe, something's wrong?" I ask her as I let her in.

"I don't know," she says absently before getting further in.

I close the door and follow her in. She's sitting on the couch, I sit next to her. None of us speak for a while. She looks lost. I put one arm over her shoulder, silently telling her that whatever's bothering her we'll make it alright. Then a fear grips me in the chest "Are the boys alright?" I as a bit panicked.

"They are, they're staying with my mom," she answers with a little grin. Something is wrong, I can feel it.

"Nancy what's wrong?"

"We are," she finally says in a whisper.

"What?" I ask feeling oxygen leaving my lungs.

"I can't do this anymore."

"What do you mean?"

"Sara, we have a problem. Things aren't working between us, don't tell me you haven't noticed?" she says.

"I know things are a bit rough, but it's just a phase and…."

"Sara, that's what we thought four months ago. If nothing things got worse, so no, I don't think it's just a phase."

"Don't say this. You can't just give up at the first bump on the road… we're having a rough time but it happens and…"

"We're drifting apart in a boat that is sinking. This is what's happening. You know it just like I do but you'd rather close your eyes and pretend everything is fine. Sara this isn't working anymore," Nancy says calmly. She gets up and goes to the window.

"You've been thinking this through don't you? So this is it you're giving up?" I ask angry. It's like she had planned things long ago.

"Oh please don't you pull that one on me! You're the one who's rejecting me of your life for the last months! Not only you reject me but of all people you decide to turn to my sister, just like I wasn't enough!" she screams.

"She's my friend!" I protest.

"And I'm your lover! You should feel comfortable enough to lean on me, you shouldn't go and seek for comfort at my sister's!"

"Catherine is just my friend. So stop insinuating that there's more!" I say vehemently.

"You know how insecure it makes me feel! But this is not the point!"

"What's the point then? Tell me!" I ask through my teeth.

"We are the point!" she explodes. She takes deep breaths and then looks at me defeated "Things aren't working, you know it just as much as I do and…"

"No it's fine I got your point. Things are a bit rough and you don't want to fight for it, but it's okay…" now I sound like a petulant child.

"I'm the only one fighting for this relationship here. All you've been doing is running away, from home, from me. You think I'm blind? I don't know what you're expecting from me. But I know this, I can't stand being rejecting all the time," she says angry. She breathes deep and starts to pace. Then she stops, sits on the armchair and buries her face in her hands.

I know that what she's saying is true, I just don't want to hear it. All the cells of my being want to protest, want to tell her that she's wrong, that we're going to make it. I don't want to let go. I don't want us to be over, because that's what this is all about. I feel like someone was trying to smother me, like my heart was being crushed. This is not happening. I'm not about to lose her, please don't let this happening. I can't lose her, I love her.

We argue for what seems like an eternity, but it feels like drowning in quicksand. The more you move the deeper you sink. We argue in vain, and although we know it won't change a thing we but all our energy on it.

I go to Nancy and kneel in front of her. "We can't give up. I can't, I love you Nancy," I say with despair. I'm crying now and it's hard to breathe.

"I love you too Sara…but…it's just not enough…" she says through her own tears.

"Let's try again, I swear I'll make more effort…please, we can do this," I plead with her. "Let's try again," I repeat.

She looks at me with tear filled eyes. She shakes her head slowly. "We've tried. If keep on like this we're going to be so bitter toward one another we'll end up hating each other."

"I'll change," I say firmly.

"Will you? You think you're going to be able to tell me about all those things that are haunting you; that you'll be able not to let your job coming between us? You think…" she trails off.

I think we both know that I won't. No matter how much I want to change I know I won't be able to make those compromises. I love Nancy with all that I am, only she can't understand my job and all its consequences, because she doesn't have to face corpses and the worst face of humanity everyday.

I let myself fall on the floor and bury my head in my hands, mimicking Nancy's earlier position. I must be asleep, this is a nightmare. There must be a way to fix things up.

"So what? You think we waste one year and half of our lives?" I ask.

"No. We build something, we made a home and a family. We made love," Nancy says with a soft voice.

"We were good at it," I add making us both chuckle.

There's a heavy silence. We both realize what's happening. It's funny how you never see the end coming. You always make plans for the future and at not point you picture the possibility of the end. Ignorance is bliss. Nancy and I were over before today, only I refused to face it, because I don't want to let go. I don't want to put a cross on this year and half of my life, like it was nothing. I kept on hanging on the thought that everything would go better, that we'd find a way, anything but facing the fact that in spite of our feelings we are at the end of our rope as far as this relationship is concerned.

To know that what we're going through now is the logical thing to do, doesn't make it any easier, it doesn't make it any less painful.

I sit on the couch and sigh. Nancy comes next to me and we stay silent. "I can't believe this is happening," I chuckle. We both have puffy eyes for we have been crying for a little more than an hour now. I turn to face Nancy as I hear a clinging sound. She's trying to unlock her chain, the one I offer her for our six months anniversary. I stop her in her movement. "Keep it. Please don't make this look like it has been a mistake. There are only good memories so please keep it."

I caress her cheek lovingly. I can't believe that I'm about to lose this. I lean in and kiss her with all the love I have left. Nancy kisses me back with just as much intensity.

Suddenly I find myself thinking about this year and half, about all we've shared. And most of all I think about the first time we made love. Ironically enough it's going to end up just the way it started. I open Nancy's shirt and get rid of it. my mouth never leaves hers. Her hands lose themselves in my hair.

Soon we are both on the floor, trying to get under each other's skin. It's like a desperate attempt to hang onto each other, onto our love. It's strange because it's now that everything is falling apart, that our connexion is the most intense and deep. Nancy and I never leave each other's eyes, as if our souls were communicating. It's like I was dying in the arms of Nancy right now, and somewhere I am. A part of me is dying. And this powerful orgasm is like my last breath, the last breath of Sara 'Nancy's lover'.

We stay on the floor for long moment not really ready to let go. We both know that when Nancy crosses the door it'll be the end, for good. Eventually, slowly we disentangle ourselves. Silently we get ourselves presentable again. None of us utter the words 'break up', we don't discuss the arrangement for getting back my belongings. I guess that for some precious moment we want to preserve our bubble, to forget about reality.

We're standing in my entrance staring at each other, not wanting to say goodbye. Our looks are uncertain and shifty.

"Don't forget the boys' match on Wednesday," she says shakily.

"Yeah, don't worry. I'm their coach," we chuckle. "And I have the parents day too," I add.

"Right."

I take her in my arms and tighten my embrace to the point we can't breathe. Both of our hearts are beating strongly in unison, we're sharing the same heart for some more time. "You were wrong about one thing," she says in a strangled whisper. "We weren't good at making love," she pauses. "We were perfect."

My breath catches in my throat at her words. I tighten my embrace, then I pull back enough to kiss her with all I am. Once the kiss is broken she steps away from me and leaves my apartment never saying goodbye.

I lean my back against my door and let myself sliding down. Gut wrenching sobs rake my body. I bury my head on my arms and cry myself dry.

It's over.

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**I suppose that some of you are happy.**

**Thanks for reading.**


	26. Chapter 26

**Hey, hey...I know, I know I'm a big slacker, I admit that and I can only say that I'm sorry. Well for my defence I'd say that Sara and Nancy's break up was hard on me...(yes I say it out loud I didn't want to do it...) Then - and I think that's the real reason - I'm just not satisfied with anything I write lately. I decided to send this chap before deleting it for at least the 50th time -I'm an hair breath away from going insane with it... Anyway I wrote a long chapter to compensate the delay... One last thing, thank you so much for your reviews you guys are fantastic!**

**Okay here's another version with a slight modification at the end... Anyway...**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

* * *

**Chapter 26: Catherine**

I'm sitting on the bench of the locker room, elbows on my knees and hands over my head. In this position I can make the world disappear and it's just what I need right now. Gee it's been such a tough shift. Everything went wrong from the beginning to the very end. The labs were loaded, some lab techs were absent, the power went off, one suspect tried to escape and another bounced at me – now he's talking like a soprano though, and so on; and that was just during the first half of the shift. I won't go through the whole shift, it's just a list of bad or really bothering event. And to top it off I haven't seen Sara at all.

I know I've been putting distance between us those last months, but it's only because I don't trust myself. Ever since the 'almost kiss' in my office I know that it wouldn't take much for me to give in. Gee just thinking about this moment in my office makes my heart race and gives me goosebump. I can feel her lips on my skin, her hand burning at the touch, my knees weakening as I feel her hot breath on my lips, her lips so close that… so close yet so far. It was intense, so intense that I think the actual kiss would have probably killed me.

I sigh. I shouldn't think about this, but I can't help it. It's the closest memory from happiness I have, the only one I've had for a long time. After all I was close from Heaven, closer than anyone could be.

I sigh heavily. Enough fantasying, this is not going to happen, not now, not ever. Sara is with Nancy and she's happy, I'll die alone period. Yeah I know I'm optimistic. Well dying of love for someone for months, having to be with this person on daily bases, and see her at least 20 hours a day will do that to you.

I stand up and open my locker and I smile at the picture of Lindsey and I, lucky me I've got my daughter. We have decided to have a fresh start, and slowly but surely we're building a good and strong mother/daughter relationship. I think that she came to term with the fact that my job can really a be pain in the ass, and I'm making effort so we're having at least 4 hours together. She, for her part, has decided to enjoy what I was able to give, knowing that I always do the best I can. In short we found a compromise.

I grab a fresh shirt and leave it open on my tank top. I should have mentioned that I just took a shower, not that it matters that much but…

Anyway, I fetch for the most precious possession I have. My necklace, the one Sara gave me, the one that reminds me that my memory is real. I put it on and reach for clean socks. I sit down on the bench again and start to put my socks and shoes on. Someone comes in but I keep my focus on my task at hand.

"Hey Cath," Greg's voice says tiredly yet cheerfully. A good thing this kid never loses his spirit because then things would be really gloomy around here. I feel his gaze on me, and though I can't see him, I feel one of his bad jokes coming. I just realize then that he has a good view on my cleavage, other days I'd find it flattering for him to watch me, but right now I'm so not in the mood.

"Greg if you don't stop checking me out in the second you'll be eating your eyes among other things for breakfast," I warn him.

"Relax Cath, I wasn't checking you out," he says. I lift my head and looks at him "This once, I wasn't checking you out this once," he mutters. He puts his hands in surrender. "I was just looking at your necklace, I swear." I narrow my eyes.

"Elaborate," I ask him.

"It's rose quartz, right?"

"Yeah. A friend gave it to me a while ago," I say evasively, touching the necklace.

"A friend, uh? Come on," he chuckles "So…who's the lucky one?" he asks me with a smile.

I frown "What do you mean?"

"Well…you know?" he chuckles nervously and looks at me in a way that says I should know this.

"No I don't."

"Seriously?"

"If I say so," I chuckle.

"You really don't know? Cath, Cath, Cath…."

"What? Tell me," I ask.

"Well, just like flowers, rocks have a meaning," he says

"And what does rose quartz means?"

He scrutinizes me for a long minute and then smiles "You know, I could tell you what it means, but I think it'd better if you figure it out by yourself."

"Oh Greg come on!"

"No seriously, I really think you should figure it out by yourself. I mean the friend who gave it to you had surely no intention to share it with me," Greg says seriously. "Don't worry it's not that hard," he smiles at me then turns around and starts to leave.

"Greg?"

"Yeah?" He turns around.

"Thanks," I say kissing him on the cheek.

"What for?" he frowns.

"For teaching me something new...for lightening my mood."

"You're welcome, see you tonight," he winks back and mimic shooting a gun with his hand.

I'm more curious than ever now. What dose my necklace mean?

xxxxx

I'm pacing like a lion in cage in my desk room. I came back home forty minutes ago. Ever since my conversation with Greg, I haven't stop thinking about my necklace. What did Sara want to tell me with it? I'm split a part of me is eager to know and the other is a bit apprehensive.

I stop pacing and take a big breath. I sit in front of my computer and turn it on. I open a search page and type key words. I find several page and click on the first one, I close my eyes tightly and count to ten before opening them again.

My breath gets caught in my throat as I read the words on the screen. I shake my head a bit making sure that I'm not dreaming, or imagining things. Holy…

Love stone.

The rose quartz is the love stone. Is this possible? My heart is currently trying to escape from my ribcage. Sara offered me a stone meaning love. That could explain the moment in my office. Does this mean that she feels the same than I do? Wait, it doesn't mean anything unless I can prove that she bought this stone and not another one on purpose and that she knew the meaning behind it. I can picture this. Hey Sara, did you give me this stone as a silent confession of your love for me? Sure…

I'm having a hard time to breathe, and a million questions swirling in m head. Oh god, oh god, oh god. I get up and pace again. It can't be…right? I feel a smile tugging at my lips. I reach for the necklace and play with it.

Wait, no way. Let's see what else they day about this stone. I sit down again and start to read the whole page, making it roll down slowly. I get a lot of information on its metaphysical supposed properties and more details.

Oh.

And here it is, my hope being shot down in flames. There was a trick...of course. Love stone, yes, but love in all its shapes. Self love, maternal love, platonic love, kindness, caring and romantic love.

I should have known better before rejoicing myself. Gee I feel like a schoolgirl, jumping at every tiny hint of hope. My heart is still racing only this time it's not from giddiness or happiness. Tears are burning my eyes. What did I expect? You're ridiculous Cath, ridiculous and a fool on top of that. You're a fool to believe that Sara would love you back.

Besides, there's no evidence that she knows the meaning of the stone. I mean, even I didn't know that stone had meaning, so Sara probably doesn't either. Or does she? And if she does then which love is this stone supposed to translate?

I turn off the computer and decide to go to bed. I change myself in t-shirt and sweatpants. I crawl into my bed and grab a pillow to my chest for comfort. It doesn't matter. The meaning of this stupid stone doesn't matter. All that matters is that it comes from Sara and the memory attach to it.

xxxxx

I know I've been putting distance between Sara and I, but it was just as far as physical contact were concerned. I mean, I still need to talk to her and see her everyday to feel good. She's like oxygen, and I need oxygen to go on, don't I?

I'm in the breakroom waiting for assignment. Sara hasn't come in yet, but ever since she's with Nancy, she seldom comes in early. I'm talking with Warrick and Nick about their previous night and their future plans for the coming week end.

"Alright team, I got one DB, one car accident, a suspicious circ and a robbery, choose what you want and have fun," Grissom says with a smile. My, my, he's in a very good mood tonight.

"Okay, lady's first, so Cath what do you want?" Nick, ever the gentleman, says.

"Shouldn't we wait for Sara first?" I ask.

"No need, she's staying here tonight, rock on kids," Grissom says before disappearing for good.

That's weird, weird and not good. Weird because I don't remember her doing any overtime so I don't think she maxed out on this level. Now, if she's forced to stay here instead of going on the field, she'll be pissed off, and one thing I know is that a pissed off Sara is always bad. Luck me since I'm her friend I can tame an angry Sara so to speak.

In the end the boys and I agree to pick up our assignment randomly. My mind stays on Sara though, and I decide to find her before heading out. I head directly in her lab and find her studying pictures.

"Knock, knock," I say gently leaning on the door frame.

She lifts her head and looks at me quickly without even smiling. "Hey," she answers flatly. I see she's not in a good mood, then again I kind of expected that.

I wait a bit hoping she might actually talk to me but she doesn't. Instead of that she's ignoring me, I'm kind of unsettled by her behaviour. I try to think of anything wrong I could have said or done that could have pissed her off. I can't think of anything, so I conclude that the problem isn't me. "Are you okay?" I ask her gently.

"Fine," she says, her eyes never leaving the pictures she's studying. O-Kay.

I wait a while more but she keeps on ignoring me. I have to admit that I hate when she's giving the cold shoulder. "Grissom said you won't go on the field today, have you pissed him off?" I joke.

"No."

"I see."

"Great for you, now if you don't mind I've got some work to do," she says sharply looking at me annoyed.

"Okay," I simply answer. In a normal day I'd have bitch back at her. No matter what her problem is, I'm not the source of it and I really think her attitude is uncalled for. But she's my friend and right now even though I'm really pissed off, I'm concerned about her.

I leave the room without a word and decide to give her some time. I'll check up on her later.

xxxxx

I spend my whole shift thinking about Sara, wondering what's wrong with her. Call me suicidal but as soon as I'm back to the lab I decide to face Sara again. I go in the break room and pour two cups of fresh coffee and then I go looking for her. I find her in the A/V lab. "Hey there," I announce my presence.

Sara just looks at me and sighs before focusing on her work again "Hey," she says without enthusiasm. I see she's just as warm as hours ago, but I don't let this discourage me , I come in and sit next to her and offer a cup of coffee.

"There you go, I thought you could use a break," I say.

"Thanks," she simply answers.

"How are you?"

"Fine."

"How's your shift going?" I keep on asking question. She shrugs in response and takes a sip from her cup. Great, we just regressed from monosyllabic answers to non verbal answers. Those are sure signs that she's in a hell of a mood. I decide to reach her the only I'm sure she'll respond well: work. "So, what are you working on?"

"Greg asked me to watch the surveillance tape from the jewellery which has been robbed," she says flatly.

"They robbed specific things?"

"Yep, a big diamond and nothing else."

"A diamond uh? Innocence and constancy," I muse.

"Excuse me?" she frowns.

"The meaning of diamond," I elaborate.

"Really? You mean stones have meaning?" she asks surprised, with a little chuckle.

"Yeah….you didn't know?"

"You'd be surprised at the amount of things I don't know. I know a myth is crumbling down, but I don't actually know everything," she jokes a bit.

So now I know that my necklace doesn't have any secret meaning, well I can't really say that I'm surprised, after all she's with Nancy. The only meaning of my gift was 'thank you', guess it's better than nothing.

Anyway, now that she's a bit more responsive I decide to dare ask her again if she's alright, hoping I'll get an honest answer. "So, do you want to talk about it?"

"Talk about what?"

"What's bothering you," I state with a friendly smile.

"I'm fine," she answers firmly. Once again her expression hardens.

"Sara, I know you, and I can tell that something is bothering you," I push her a bit.

"I'm fine," she repeats looking at the screen in front of her.

"You're sure of that?"

"How many times do I have to tell you that I'm fine before you actually leave me alone?" she snaps.

"I'm just concerned about you," I defend myself.

"Why don't you mind your business for change?" she spits before bursting out of the A/V room.

Now, that hurts. I'm left stunned and angry. Seems like her and I have just taken a big step back.

"Cath? You're alright?" Warrick asks me from the doorway.

"Sara blew me off," I simply say.

"Tell me about it, she's been biting the head off of everyone today," he says with a sigh.

Yeah, well I had hoped I wouldn't be just 'everyone'.

xxxxx

Shift ends at last. I head to the locker room to grab my belongings and go home. Sara is in, I have a two seconds hesitation but then get in anyway. I expect her to apologize for her attitude earlier but she doesn't say anything. She just does what she has to and leaves without a word. I supposed she must have had a fight with Nancy and now we all have to pay for it. I sigh heavily, I let it slide for today but I know that I won't be that merciful if she keeps up with that attitude.

xxxxx

One week.

It's been one week since the last time I've talked with Sara. She's been avoiding me ever since she blew me off. The only consolation I have is that apparently she's been avoiding everyone. Another weird thing is that she hasn't been on the field at all during all this time. It hurts that she's not coming to me when she's like that. I mean I thought we were closed friend now and that she'd trust me enough to come to me whenever something bothered her.

The fact is that I'm pissed at her. A week ago she'd still come at night on my porch and sit there for hours. The first time it happened I was surprised but…I couldn't explain you how I felt, honored, special, there's no word to describe that feeling. She had turned to me, she was vulnerable yet she had turned to me for comfort or anything else. Then it almost became a silent dance for months. I surprised myself looking at my kitchen window almost everyday, hoping to see her on the front stairs. I was happy when she was there. We didn't talk much but she let me take care of her. And the last time she came she even slept on my couch. I watched her slept for hours, I even dared caressing her hair to calm her down when her sleep became agitated.

I've been watching my front stairs all this week, expecting her to show up, she didn't. Every time we were in the same room she ignored me. I even start to think that she has a grudge against me after all. I mean I think she's doing everything possible to avoid me. I mean at work she never passes by my office now, she barely gets out from whatever lab she's hiding into, she even avoids to be back at Nancy's when she knows I'm coming. You think I'm paranoid? Then how do you explain the fact that she was never at Nancy's when I came to pick Lindsey? Or the other day, the boys had a baseball match, and we were supposed to meet all after the match at Nancy's, Sara was at the match but not at Nancy's.

It's killing me not to know what's going on. I've tried to talk to her but it was just as constructive as talking to a wall. After the third reject I've stopped reaching. There's only much my heart can bear. This situation is really painful for me because I'm wearing my heart on my sleeves so any bad reaction from Sara is a full blow in the guts.

xxxxx

Today's my day off so I've decided to spend it with Nancy. First, because it's been a while since we had a day for ourselves, and then because I thought that if I couldn't get Sara to talk to me then maybe Nancy could help me and tell me what's wrong with Sara. I might actually get some clues on what bad things I did and how to repair it.

Nancy and I have a rather quiet lunch. I notice that she looks tired and a bit under the weather. Maybe she also has to suffer Sara's mood.

"…So Grissom got on the table and started to tap-dance completely naked, well no, actually he had a bow around his neck," I say. As I suspected it, Nancy wasn't paying attention to whatever I was saying so she didn't even flinch. I reach out and take her left hand in mine "Hey, where are you?" I ask gently.

Nancy looks at me as if she was surprised to see me there. She gives me and apologetic smile. "Sorry, I wasn't paying attention."

I chuckle "Yeah, I figured that much. Want to tell your big sis what's get you so down?" I say with a smile.

She sighs "I've got a lot in my mind right now, that's all."

"Sara, isn't it?" I state. "She's been quite a pain at work lately, so I figured things might be a bit rough between you two," I explain.

She snorts "I guess, you could say that."

"Talk to me. I know I'm not the best source of advice when it comes to relationships but I'm a good listener," I tell her. I caress her hand with my thumb and I frown. I look down at her hand and confirm what my thumb was feeling, or rather, not feeling "Your ring is missing," I state.

I remember how Sara was upset when she lost her ring in that muddy scene. If Nancy has lost her ring, they must have argued about it. That could explain Sara's moodiness.

"It's not missing," Nancy says, cutting my thoughts. Her fingers reach for the chain around her neck where her ring is dangling. "I took it off," she elaborates.

"Why?"

"It shouldn't be that hard to connect the dots, especially for you. I mean that's why you get paid, isn't it?" she says flatly.

I know for a fact that she never took that ring out, never. I mean this ring was like her wedding ring, and everyone knows that you never, under any circumstance take out your wedding ring. Alright I'll admit that you'd take it out at work if, like us, you were putting your hands in god knows what. But the thing is that a wedding ring is supposed to stay in your finger. Sure Nancy's ring wasn't an engagement ring or a wedding ring but the meaning of her ring was just the same. I should know, I had to listen to her telling me about this stupid ring for weeks; about how romantic it was when Sara gave it to her; about how happy she was… sickening, it was just sickening, but that's not the point here.

The only reason I can think off for one to take out such a meaning full item off their fingers would be because…

No way.

I look at Nancy in disbelief. This has to be a joke. "You two broke up?" I ask cautiously.

Nancy sighs, but her look tells me that I'm right. "Actually I'm pretty sure that I'm the one who broke up with her," she says in a whisper.

To say I'm stunned would be an understatement. I honestly hadn't seen this one coming. "I don't get it. I thought that she made you happy…that you loved her…I … I don't get it." I say still not believing the situation.

"She made me happy and I love her," Nancy echoes my words.

"But?"

"I don't know…something was missing…I didn't feel complete anymore," she shrugs. Her eyes are watering and her voice is weak.

I'm gaping like a fish out of water. "But she was there at the match, and I saw her taking the boys to school…I…"

"She's out of my bed, not of my life," Nancy replies. "Besides the boys and her have activities together and whole schedule of weekly habits, I'm not about to take that away from her or from the boys, I don't want to. Just because we broke up doesn't mean that the boys have to pay for it."

"How are you holding up?" I finally ask her. My head is spinning, and I feel like I was having palpitations. I think I'm having a little panic attack. I don't know why because after all I'm not the one who's having a broken heart.

"I feel empty. It's been a week and I feel utterly empty," she says before burying her head in her hands. "I miss her so much it hurts," she says with a shaky voice. She lifts her head and looks at me, silent tears are damping her cheeks, and she looks away. She chuckles humourlessly and then whips her tears away. "I'm the one to blame, I mean I let her go didn't I?"

I don't say anything. I don't know what to say anyway.

"You want to know something funny? All those reasons that pushed me to break up with her seems so stupid and meaningless now," she sobs a bit. "I miss her badly, but I don't know if we can be together, I'm lost and I can make any sense out of the mess of my feelings."

"Little bean, I'm sorry" I tell her honestly.

She takes a deep breath tries to block her tears with the palms of her hands. She stands up and silently she goes to the sink and throws some cold water on her face. She sighs and then turns to me again. "It's really hard," she says quietly.

I stand up and do the only thing I can think of to comfort her, I take her in my arms "Come here."

Now that I have a complete view of the puzzle I can understand Sara's behaviour lately. Nancy is the one who broke up yet she's devastated, I can only imagine what Sara must be going through.

xxxxx

Tonight is a quiet night. There were only two scenes and Grissom sent Greg and Nick on the field. Warrick, Sara and I are working on an opened case. We're all standing in a room around an evidence table. We're working silently, every now and then one of us breaks the silence, eventually Warrick and I joke around but other than that it's a strictly business atmosphere. The reason? Sara. She's just as joyful as a prison door. She's not saying anything except when she finds something.

She locked herself in silence and no one seems to reach her. Now that I know the reason why, I understand her reaction, although it worries me. I can't help glancing at her every two minutes, I think it's the first time in a whole week that we've been working together.

Suddenly we hear a low growl. Sara and I look at each other with a frown, she puts her hands in surrender "Don't look at me," she defends herself.

"Guilty," Warrick chuckles. "I need to eat something," he states though his stomach was pretty clear. "Alright, it's my turn to buy lunch, what do you guys want? The usual?"

"Yeah, works for me," I say.

"I pass, I'm fine, thanks," Sara replies.

Warrick leaves, now there's only Sara and I in the room. She hasn't apologized yet for blowing me off the other day, thought I'm a bit offended I haven't called her on it.

I take a moment to really scrutinize her and I realize for the first time that she's in a bad shape. She's pale and looks pretty tired, her eyes are dull – the sparkle in it is gone, and I'd bet my pay check that she has lost weight. She has never been good at taking care of herself, and those are the sure signs that her break with Nancy is affecting her badly, that was to be expected.

Her phone rings and she picks it up still looking at her evidence. "Sidle," she says flatly. Her expression changes immediately, the light in her eyes comes back instantly and her expression softens. "Hey Nance," she says.

It has always amazed me the effect Nancy had on Sara and now even more. Two seconds ago Sara looked almost dead and now it's like life had come back in her.

"Sure I can do this….no don't worry I'll take him there…tomorrow at four, got it…no don't worry….Nance babe…" she sighs as she realized that she has called Nancy 'babe'. She takes a deep breath and speaks again this time her tone is almost flat "…don't worry I'll do it…you're welcome…bye…take care…" and with that she hangs up. Once more the light in her eyes goes away. I see her struggling to compose herself again and then she returns her focus on the evidence.

It's really crazy. I mean, for me they formed the perfect couple. I still can't believe they're over. I mean it's insane, they love each other and make each other happy, yet they broke up. It's like the world was spinning back ward, if they can't make it with the odds on their sides, then who will?

Love is really a weird thing.

I can't take the silence anymore " Nancy told me about you two…I'm sorry," I tell her. She looks at me but doesn't answer or shows any reaction. "If you want to talk about it, I'm here," I offer.

I had expected her to snaps once more, to stay silent, to thank me or just blowing me off gently; but certainly not to laugh bitterly. I look at her quizzically. Then her smile fades away instantly, she looks at me with cold anger. " That's a joke, right?" she asks. "Let me get it straight for you. You're not even on the list of the last person I'd like to discuss this with."

Ouch. I don't think I'd be more hurt had I received a thousand blows in the guts. That's enough, I can't help but let my anger flow.

"You know what? Fuck off Sara. I know you're going through a rough time but I don't think I deserve any of this. I let it slide the other day, but I won't this time. I'm your friend and my only fault is to offer you comfort or anything you need. And you just keep on rejecting me with harsh and uncalled for comments, not to talk about your attitude. Tell me why, because honestly I'm confused here." I say angrily.

She just chuckles "Tell me something my friend. Have you even been remotely, just for one second, genuinely happy about me being with Nancy?" she asks vehemently.

Her words hurt, but she touched a sensitive string with her question. Truth is that I came to term with their relationship and I came to accept it. Have I ever been happy about it? Saying yes would be a fat lie. I keep on looking at Sara, I clench and unclench my jaw repeatedly before looking away.

"There. You have your answer," she says sharply. Then she leaves the room with a snort.

It's the second time she hurts me, and the second time that I'm unable to defend myself properly. Only this time her words have really made damage in me and it takes all I have not to cry. Loving her so much makes me weak and vulnerable. Right now my heart is bleeding openly because of her and I'm angry at myself for letting her doing this without fighting her.

xxxxx

Shift finally comes to an end. I'm glad for it because I've been eager to leave this place ever since my 'talk' with Sara. I head to the locker room. As I pass in front of Grissom's door Sara's voice catches my ears.

"Grissom…" she sighs "I quit okay? I quit." She says firmly.

I'm frozen on the spot. Please tell me that it's not what it sounds like. Sara can't quit, I mean this job is too precious to her for that.

I know it's bad to eardrop conversation but I can't help myself. I stay right where I am and listen, hoping that I misheard and that I might get more clues about what's going on. When I pay attention to the conversation again I've missed some pieces of it because my mind was too busy swirling with questions.

"You're sure of yourself?" Grissom asks.

"Definitive," Sara replies. "I'm tired, edgy, I can't focus properly… I just can't keep up like this."

"Alright, you know best what you need," Grissom says. "Let's settle this," then I don't hear anything more.

I feel sick. Everything keeps on getting worse.

xxxxx

"Sara, it's me again. Could you return my calls even if it's just to tell me to go to hell. I'm worried about you," I say before hanging up my phone.

Sara hasn't been at work in five days. Grissom says that she took some days off. I just hope that those days off aren't a period of reflection before deciding whether to quit or not.

I've been calling her several time everyday but she doesn't answer her phone. I know for a fact that she cancelled her engagement with Jeremy and Allan for an undetermined time. Basically, she's playing dead and I'm worried about her.

I decide to go at her apartment, just to make sure that she's alright.

On my way there several questions are clouding my head. I can't help myself but being afraid that she'll do something stupid. Nancy thinks I'm over reacting and that I need to leave Sara alone – probably because unlike me Sara gives her news. I can't help it, this is the woman I love we're talking about and I won't let go until I see her from my own two eyes.

I arrive at her place the first thing I notice is her car in the parking lot. At least I know she's here. I get out of my car and enter her building, I take the elevator to her floor, when I arrive at her door I take a deep breath. I knock three times lightly. I wait but there's no answer. I knock again but have the same result.

This time I pound on the door. "Sara, it's Catherine, please open the door," I ask. Since I still don't get any answer I decide to keep pounding on that poor door until I get answer.

Suddenly the door opens. I'm a bit taken aback but I regain my composure quickly. Sara looks like a zombie, a pissed off zombie. "What do you want?" she asks harshly.

Is she serious or is she just trying to provoke me? She's been playing dead for five days, not returning any of my call and she's asking me what I want?

I use all the self control I have to keep my cool. "I just needed to see you," I tell her honestly. "Since you weren't returning my call I thought I'd come to see if you were fine by myself," I say with a little resent and hurt.

She looks at me with an emotionless look. "Well you came, you saw and I'm fine," she says flatly before closing the door on me.

That's the last straw. She just unleashed hell.

I ball my fists and pound on the door again, harder than before. Once more the door opens but this time I force myself in her apartment. "Hey! What are you doing?!" Sara almost shouts but I don't pay attention. I go further in the living room near the window.

I'm pissed at her, because she's selfish. I was worried sick about her, I didn't know where she was, if she was alright, if she was even alive. All I was asking for was a simple sign that she was fine. Was it too much to ask?

"Catherine, get out of here," Sara growls, she's holding the door open. I don't move from my spot. Instead I cross my arms over my chest, I put my foot deeper on the ground. "Catherine. Get out of here," she repeats through her teeth.

"Make me," I dare her.

She slams the door shut and then comes in the living room. She sighs heavily she passes her hand through her hair and looks at me with anger "What the hell do you want?"

"What the hell do I want? I want you to stop treating me like shit because nothing justify this; I want you to get your head out of your ass and see that some people care about you, namely me. I know that you're taking hard your break up with Nancy, believe me I know and…"

"Oh you know everything then…" she starts with sarcasm.

"Shut up! Shut the hell up okay?! I'm talking here," I shout. I'm boiling now. "I know you're suffering Sara. I also know this, I'm your friend and I won't leave you in this state. Look at you! Ever since you broke up with Nancy you've been awful with everyone, you've been neglecting yourself so much you look terrible. You lost weight, from the bags under you eyes I can say that you don't sleep…." I sigh.

I start to pace then look at her again. "I know what you're going through because I've been there too. I'm your friend. You've been treating me like I was some kind of stranger but I am your friend and because I'm your friend I can't let you like this." I let my words sink in. she's staring at me blankly. I calm myself and walk closer to her. She's holding herself as if she was ready to shatter into pieces.

"I know you need someone to look out for you," my voice is soft now. "You need someone to take care of you, someone to talk to, someone to hold onto while you're going through this, someone to tell you that you'll get through this…you need a friend. I'm your friend and I'm here for you. So you can scream, whine, kick the floor, pout, do whatever you want but I won't let you down." I tell her honestly. "I won't let you down because I lo…" I trail off and keep myself from making a mistake. Telling her that I love her is the last thing she needs to hear now. Even though those words are burning my chest so much they're begging to come out. I swallow the lump in my throat and try again. "I won't let you down, because I care about you way too much for this."

"You want to know what I really need? I need my heart to be unbroken. I need Nancy back into my life. I need to go back home to Nancy everyday instead of being stuck in this fucking cage!" she says mentioning her apartment. "I need to be with Nancy again so I can breathe," tears are falling on her face, her breathing is hollow. "I need my happy life back….I need Nancy, do you get that?" she asks me aggressively. "I need Nancy…" she repeats before sobbing violently.

I start to take her in my arms but she rejects me violently. "Don't you touch me!!"

I try again and once more she struggles against me but I refuse to let go. Finally she gives up and let me take her in my arms. She lets herself falling on the floor I follow her so we're now kneeling down. I'm holding her tight against me.

I think that up until this moment, I never truly realized how much she loves Nancy. Now I know. Her gut wrenching sobs that are racking through her body are so violent that they're shaking me to the core.

Once more I feel the bitter taste of cruel irony. I've never felt so close to the woman I love so desperately than right now when she's crying herself out for the woman she loves, a woman that isn't me.

Love's a bitch, and it'll be the death of me.

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**I know it's not that good and I'll try to do better for the next chap, you have my word on that.**

**Thanks for reading.**


	27. Chapter 27

**Oy! I'm sorry for the delay, but I think I lost my mojo, so I'm writing a bit slowly. Anyway here's the new chap, thank you very much for your reviews. I'm not looking for praise but lately I have precise ideas of what I want and then the final result generally differs, which bothers me...anyway it's just a phase I think...I hope...**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: A special thanks to you **Maximilliam** because your quote inspired me a lot. Thank you very much for lettting me use it...;)**

* * *

**Chapter 27: Sara**

I open my eyes and regret it immediately. The rays of light have the effect of a thousand pins and needles in my head. I close my eyes again and sigh. I breathe deep and open m eyes again. I recognize the ceiling of my living room, so the logical conclusion is that I'm lying on my couch. The question, though, is to know how I got there. I don't remember lying in my couch, I did that enough lately to know when I lie there by my own will. But in this case the last thing I remember is…

Clinking sounds coming from the kitchen side cut my thoughts. What the…?

Oh yeah.

Now it all comes back to me. I was gently moping around and depressing when she tried to knock my door down. I sit down and bury my head in my hands for a moment, giving myself some time to face the day, and to face her. Once more I sigh heavily and stand up. I turn around and there she is, waltzing around in my kitchen. I should be pissed. She's invading my space when all I'm asking for is to be left alone.

I walk to the island silently, her back is facing me. I lean against the island thinking about what I should say or if I should say anything. I stay where I am silently. She turns around and startles, she closes her eyes and sighs. "Gee, you scared me," she states.

I don't answer anything, I just look at her. I'm pissed yet I'm confused, but I know that I'm too tired and that my head hurts way too much for me to argue with her right now. I can't think properly and I'm swirling in contradiction so I stay silent and decide to leave her there while I'm going to have a shower.

I lock myself in the bathroom and put myself under the hot spray of water. I close my eyes and try to relax, the key words here being 'try'.

It's been a week since Nancy broke...since she crossed the front door of my apartment. Gee, listen to me. I just can't, I can't bring myself to say it. It's just so wrong, it's unreal, and wrong, I must be dreaming, it can't be. I know I'm going to open my eyes and find myself in my bathroom, at home, and hear Nancy calling me for one thing or another, reminding me that I have to pick up Allan at practice today because she'll have a late class. Better yet, she'll come in the shower with me, she's going to wrap her arms around my waist and kiss the back of my neck then she'll rest her head on one of my shoulders and we'll enjoy the closeness under the spray of water together, then we'll wash each other, giving some kisses away every now and then. Yeah, I'm sure that's what's going to happen, I'm in a bad dream and I'm about to wake up.

I open m eyes and I'm met with the white tiles of a bathroom that isn't the one we have home. It's the bathroom of my prison, some might call it an apartment but it's a prison.

Fuck.

I hit the palm of my hand against the wall and then start to cry. This isn't my life, this can't be my life. I feel like I was punished. I'm in hell; living in a rat hole I'm supposed to call 'home', but this isn't home. Home is where my family is, and my family isn't there that's for sure. Damn it hurts just to breathe

I get out of the shower, dry myself and get dress. I don't like being here. I feel like a prisoner in the death row waiting for something to happen, anything.

I look myself in the mirror. "I hate you," I tell to the reflection, then I leave the bathroom.

I go into my living room again, hoping uselessly that Catherine would be gone, but I'm not that delusional. Even if I knew she would still be here after my shower I can't help the sigh escaping me as I see her still busying herself in my kitchen. I go to the fridge and grab a bottle of water. I seat on one of the stools on the other side of the island.

We still haven't spoken t each other ever since I woke up. I have some reminder of last night, I remember shouting at her and her refusing to leave. She can be such a plague when she's stubborn.

My gaze fall upon my phone, my machine must be full. Catherine has been calling me all week, leaving at least three messages everyday. I've been ignoring my phone for an entire week. Anybody with common sense would have left me alone, but Catherine Willows and 'common sense' don't mix.

Maybe I'm not totally honest here. I did answer the phone when Nancy called, even when Greg did. Whenever Catherine called I ignored her. Why? I don't really know. Maybe because a part of me thinks that she's responsible for what's happening. I know it's not true, but I dragged her into this. I mean one of the things Nancy reproached me with was to turn to Catherine when I should have turn to her, my lover. That's why I tried to cut every contact I could have had with Catherine, because it was easier to have someone other than me to put the blame on.

"I'm sorry," I say. "For treating you the way I did," I elaborate. "It was unfair."

"Yes you were unfair. My only fault was to care about you," she says.

"My apologies," I say tiredly.

"Apologies accepted," she sighs "Look, I know…" she starts.

"My words were harsh but their meaning was true, I won't talk about my break up with Nancy with you," I tell her firmly, I see hurt lightening her eyes but I don't do anything to erase the blow.

She nods and then turns around. She puts a plate in front of me "Breakfast is served," she announces. I jerk a bit back at the sight of food. "You have to eat something," she says.

"I'm not hungry," I tell her honestly.

"When was the last time you actually had a meal?" she asks.

I don't answer and look away. I'm tempted to say that I don't know how out of pure habit but truth is that I know very well when I last eat. It was two days before Nancy and I…before she walked out of my apartment.

We had cooked together, I can see me kissing her neck every time I reached for an ingredient, I hear her giggling when I tickled her with my breath. I see us dancing and fooling around on a stupid song playing on the radio, I remember kissing her deeply and telling her that I loved her when she made me taste this dinner we had literally cooked with love. I hear the boys' whistle as they came in on us kissing. It's funny because with Nancy I was never embarrassed when we were caught acting like teenagers.

I look at my plate again and I feel nauseous. I shouldn't be here.

"See my point?" Catherine's voice pulls me out of my thoughts

"What?" I frown.

"Sara if you're thinking that much it means that your last meal was too long ago. I want you to eat something," she says firmly.

"Don't mother me, I know how to take care of myself."

"Yeah," she snorts "Obviously you do seeing your state right now," She sighs. "You want me to leave you be, and I want you to eat. So here's the compromise, you eat at least a toast and I'm going."

I look at her suspiciously. There's a trick somewhere. I mean this Catherine Willows and she doesn't do anything the easy way, I know her well enough to know that she won't leave it at me eating just a toast. I don't say anything waiting patiently for the other shoe to fall.

"Either you let me come here once a day to make sure you're eating something or I'm calling you at least ten times a day."

I give her a stern look "I can unplug my phone," I say wittily. She raises one of her eyebrows, I would never do such a thing as unplugging my phone. I'm a CSI and like every CSI even when I'm on a day off, I don't totally cut myself form work. I know what you're thinking, I never cut myself from work because I'm a workaholic, but trust me no CSI really ever make a break with their job. That's the truth, we just never know when the biggest case of all time will happen, because even in our day off we can be asked to come at any given moment. You never stop to be a CSI. More than a job, CSI is almost a life style.

Anyway, the point here is that she knows I won't unplug my phone, and I know that hearing the phone rings all day will drive me crazy. Yeah, but having her around everyday? Talk about a choice, between the plague and the cholera which one is the best?

"Listen to you! I'm not some pet," I protest, more for the form than anything, it's a battle I've already lost anyway.

"You know I didn't mean it like that. I told you I won't give up on you, and obviously you're unable to take care of yourself properly so I'll breathe down your neck until you get yourself together," she states a bit upset. "So it's your call, the phone or the meal."

"Fine," I sigh "I'd rather suffer your presence than having you making this stupid phone ring."

"That's a deal then. Now eat," she smiles.

I grab a toast and take a very small bite out of it. I drop the toast down "There, happy?" I ask her. I don't wait for her answer as I stand up and go over to my couch. I lie down and stare at the ceiling.

"Sara, come on."

"You wanted me to eat, I did, now please leave me alone," I tell her not moving from an inch.

"Why you have to make this difficult?"

I've been behaving myself all the time but I know that if she doesn't leave me alone and drop the food issue soon I'll snap. She's standing at the end of my couch looking at me intently, waiting for I don't know what.

"I'm trying to help, I'm on your side, so please come back here and eat, for real."

"You see? Why are you pushing? I'm being fairly cooperative, I let you force yourself in here, I let you invade my personal space, I forced myself to eat something, I even agreed on a deal with you, why can't you leave me alone now? Get out! Just let me breathe. Damn!" I say vehemently. I take a deep breath to calm myself. "I can't deal with people right now, I appreciate all you did, but I really need you to leave me alone."

Once again there's hurt on all her features but I decide to ignore it. Instead I just take a more comfortable position on my couch and put my arm over my eyes so I can make everything disappear, her included. Catherine is stubborn, at times I really admire this side of her personality but right now I curse it. She thinks that I'll eventually give up and confide in her, that even though I'm protesting I want her around, but I don't. I really want to be alone and I really wish she could get that.

I hear her finally moving, I hear the sound of dishes being removed, even though I'm trying hard to ignore her I know she's upset. I hear my front door being opened and shut, I sigh in relief, I really couldn't deal with her. My relief is short lived though, she'll be back tomorrow and the day after, and the day after…

Oh boy.

xxxxx

I spend my day wandering around my cage, most of the time I'm lying on the couch and stare at the ceiling. I wonder what I did, where things went wrong and how I could fix them. I've lost interest in almost everything. This is why I took some days off, away from work. I can't focus, it's like I didn't see the point in my job anymore. My life is in pieces and the only thing I can think of is the missing part Nancy.

The fact is that we broke up yet we still see each other, I still go to take the boys to school, to practice, to have our Friday at the movie. I won't complain about it because if that had been taken away from me I would have gone completely insane. I mean I'm supposed to be there, with them. Those little privileges I still have are the directive line of my life now, the only thing that keeps me sane and alive.

I have to get my family back, I won't survive in this life without them. They made me happy, they gave me a purpose, and I just can't believe I let that go. I could say that it was to be expected, because I'm not good with relationship. That would be easy and I could find comfort in the knowledge it's not really my fault, I got issues after all.

Screw this.

Yes I do have issue, yes I suck at relationship but being with Nancy was the easiest thing ever. I was completely open with her, she knows everything about me, my darker secrets, my fears, hopes, everything. I never lied to her and I never hid from her. Yet I let my work come between us because I couldn't bring myself to talk to her about those things haunting me, about the horror I was seeing everyday. My intentions were good, I just wanted to keep my work away from my family life, only I didn't get that I was supposed to find a compromise between the two. No I do know though, but it's too late.

I sit up on my couch and grab my phone. I dial the number and wait for an answer.

"_Hello?"_ gosh…just hearing her voice makes my heartbeat increase, as if I was coming back to life.

"Hey ba..." I start but censor myself just in time. "Hey there, it's me."

"_Hey,"_ she answers, she sounds as glad to hear me as I am to hear her.

"I was just calling to know if everything was alright…I mean since I wasn't there this week, I hope you handle everything okay," I say honestly.

We don't bother asking each other how we're doing, the answer is simple, we're both feeling bad for the same obvious reason, so there's no need to move the knife that is stuck in both our chests.

"_It was a bit crazy but it was okay,"_ she answers.

There's a long silence, neither of us speaks. I might sound pathetic but I could listen to her breathing for hours. I can't spend a day without hearing her voice, without having a contact whatsoever with her, it's too damn hard. So I call her, or she calls me, we both know it's not the best thing to do and that it hurts a lot, seeing the current situation, but we can't help it, we need the connection.

"_The boys missed you though, they send you their love, hoping they'll see you soon,"_ she breaks the silence.

"I miss them too. Well, are they around? Can I talk to them?"

"_No, they're at practice, remember?"_

"Oh. Yeah that's right. Tell them I'll be back around next week."

"_I will."_

"I'm sorry I let you down this week," I tell her.

"_It's okay, I understand."_

"I took some days off, so if you need anything," I offer.

"_When do you have to go back in?"_

"I don't know yet, I needed a time out, so…"

"_I see. Well don't forget that you have the presentation at Jeremy's school this week."_

"I know, I'll be there, don't worry," I reassure her.

There are so many things I want to tell her, yet I stay silent. I'm sure she knows what I mean though, we've always been good at communicating in silence.

"_I have to go,"_ she says, I feel like I was choking on her words. _"The boys will be a bit disappointed that they weren't around when you called."_

"They can call me later."

"_I let them know,"_ she replies. _"I really have to go, I need to be ready to pick them up and to prepare dinner."_

"I know," I say even though I feel like a golf ball was in my throat. "It was good to hear you."

"_Take care of yourself."_

"Nance…" I say almost desperate.

"_Yeah?"_

I love you.

This is what I want to tell her. I love her, I understood my mistakes and I'm ready to change and make all the needed efforts. I want us to make a family again, I want to come back home. I miss her.

"I…" I trail off. "Tell the boys I love them, I'll see you around."

"Okay, bye," she replies with a twinge of disappointment.

Neither of us speaks for a while as if we were expecting the other to say something, to say the thing that would make it alright, and then she hangs up.

I bury my head in my hands and cry. I do that a lot lately, crying. Without Nancy I feel vulnerable, like I was naked, I wear my heart on my sleeves.

xxxxx

Catherine was serious when she said she'd come everyday. It's been four days and as regular as a clock she's been coming in here, making something to eat watch me as I take a bite or two and then she leaves. We don't talk, we just bear with each other's presence. Today is no exception, I get up from the couch as she bangs on the door. I open it with a sigh and get back in and go to the couch.

"You know if I had my own key you wouldn't have to bother getting up to open the door," she says. She drops her jacket on a chair and then goes right on the kitchen side.

I decide to seat on a stool next to the island and finish my book. I hate to admit it but I like having her around. I know I was reluctant at first but, I'm glad she's imposing herself, it comforts me plus she was right I don't know how to take care of myself. Most of all she makes this place a little friendlier to me. Everyday I have to take care of Jeremy and Allan, I go to my home yet I'm banned from it, then I come back here, in my cage. Then Catherine comes around and for at least one hour I don't feel like I was suffocating between those walls.

"There you go," she says as she puts a plate in front of me. She starts to eat silently. I stare at my plate but don't touch it. I don't mean to act like an infant but I just can't eat.

Suddenly I see a fork in my plate taking food and then being hold in front of me. I look at Catherine and she just stares back at me. Please don't tell me she's actually hoping to feed me like I was some baby. She waves the fork in front of me, sure like this would make me open my mouth.

"Fork 780 to ground control, asking for permission to land, operator?" she says as if she was some sort of pilot. She's got to be kidding. "Permission to land?" she waves the fork again. "I repeat, Fork 780, asking for permission to land," she giggles. "Permission to land?" she repeats.

I can't help the little smile tugging at my lips. For the first time ever since Nancy and I broke up I have a warm little feeling inside. I open my eyes shaking my head at the silliness of this. She puts the fork full of food in my mouth and then takes it out as I chew what she gave me.

"Operator? Here's Fork 780, the landing was successful, I repeat, the landing was successful."

I chuckle and shake my head. My stomach growls and I realize that actually I'm hungry, I grab my fork and gave in, eating what Catherine made. I can feel her eyes on me but she doesn't say anything. We eat silently for a while. When I finish my plate Catherine is giving me a surprised look.

"I was hungry," I tell her with a smirk.

"That's good. Okay, I'm doing the dishes and then I'll go," she says.

"Leave it, I'll do the dishes later."

"Okay, I'll go then," she says before cleaning her hands in the sink. She grabs her jacket and then starts to walk to the door.

"Cath," I call her back. She turns back to me "Thank you."

"You're welcome," she smiles at me and then leave.

xxxxx

Three days later when Catherine arrives I don't feel like she was imposing herself, I actually welcome her. "Hello you," I greet her.

"Somebody is in a good mood today," she jokes.

I watch her cook and give her a hand every now and then. We seat around the island and start to eat.

"I feel empty," I tell her out of the blue.

She looks at me silently for a moment. I think she wasn't expecting me to ever talk willingly.

"Ever since Nancy walked out of here, I feel empty," I confess. "What am I supposed to do?"

"I was in love with Eddie, head over heels in love with him," she says. I frown, I finally decide to talk and she's not even listening to me. "He broke my heart a thousand times, at least. Sad, but true, I was still loving him when he was screwing half of the Nevada. I think that a part of me never stopped loving him. It took time but I moved on, and slowly but surely I've started to get out again and look for people."

I keep staring at her. I'm about to ask her what was the point of her little statement when she speaks again. "Now I'm not saying that your heartbreak is just like mine, it isn't. What I'm trying to say is that you do have a broken heart now, and somewhere nothing will ever heal it completely. It's hard and it hurts, but life goes on. So take it one day at a time with baby steps, and then eventually you'll start to appreciate life again," she lets her words sink. "Your heart is broken yet it will always keep on beating just the same."

I don't know what I was expecting to hear, yet strangely it makes me feel a little bit better, just a little bit. If Catherine made it then why wouldn't I?

"I know you never trusted my intention toward Nancy, but I love her, I really do. I'd like to have another chance with her, and this time I won't blow it."

"I can't really help you there."

"I know, this is not why I told you this. I just…I just want you to know that I really love her."

"I know," she replies after a long pause.

Silence falls between us and none of us break it again. We finish our plates and then she gets ready to leave. I grab her wrist before she gets a chance to stand up. I reach in my pocket and hand her something.

"What are those?" she asks.

"We call them 'keys' they have the power to open my front door," I say caustically.

"I was joking the other day."

"I know. But if you intend on coming here over and over again I'd rather have you opening the door by yourself. I mean my door is bruised with all your banging and I'd like it not to be broken," I joke lamely. I sigh "To be honest, I enjoy having you here around. I know I haven't said it but I appreciate all you did, I'm glad you're here."

She cups my face with one hand "I told you I wouldn't let you down," she says caressing my cheek with her thumb. I put my hand over hers and kiss her palm.

"Thanks."

"You're welcome." We stare at each other without moving, the air gets thick with tension. She breaks the eye contact and clears her throat "I better go."

"Yeah, okay."

She grabs her jacket but stops her progression as she reaches the door. "I can't hold it anymore, I need to tell you something," she says suddenly. She comes back to me and stops inches away from my body. "I…" she trails of. I frown not knowing what she's about to say. Her eyes starts to burn holes on my face, her look is hard to decipher. She cups my face delicately and sigh "I know things aren't great for you but it's not a reason to quit."

I blink several times before understanding her words. "I'm not going to quit."

"Really?"

"Yeah," I smirk. "What gave you this idea?"

"I know it's wrong but I caught the end of your conversation with Grissom and you said that you were quitting. So I assumed…"

"Drinking, I quit drinking," I elaborate. "Had you been there ten second earlier you would have heard Grissom asking me if was having issue with any destructive habits."

She sighs in relief and smiles, but she doesn't move her hands from my face, nor take a step away from me. I feel weird, don't ask me why but my brain sends me flash backs from the day in her office when I gave her the necklace. As I think about it my eyes travel on her neck and she's wearing the said necklace. I touch it with the tips of my fingers and then looks at Catherine's eyes again.

Wow.

They're blue. Her eyes are blue. I know it sounds stupid but I feel like it's the greatest discovery I had made. She seems closer to me than one moment ago. I can feel her breath tickling my face. "Was it everything?" I say absentmindedly.

"Uh?" she says getting out of her trance.

"Was it everything you had to say?"

Her eyes drop on my lips and then she looks at me again. "Yeah, it was", she says before looking away. Her hands fall from my face and she fidgets a bit before taking one step back. "See you tomorrow then," her voice is barely above the whisper.

She's about to turn and leave but I grab her wrist and gently force her to turn back to me again. I stand up from the stool I was sitting on. I take a step close to her so our bodies are almost touching, my eyes don't leave hers. I bend slowly and bury my head in the crook of her neck as I hug her. She takes some seconds but she does hug me back. I don't know if it's my heart that is racing like this or her heart beating so hard and fast that I can feel it through my own chest, either way it's weird, as if we were sharing the same appendage.

"I'm really glad you're here," I whisper.

She doesn't answer just squeezes me a little. She pulls back and kisses my cheek, then she gets out of my apartment. I stare at the door several minutes after her departure, trying to figure out what happened.

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**Thanks for reading.**


	28. Chapter 28

**Howdy Oh everyone! Well, check this out an update only three days after the previous! And not to spoil anything I seem to have my mojo back for this chap because I actually like what I wrote...Now, on for the bad new. There won't be any update for a while because I start to work again on monday and add to that that I have exams all week so I have to keep my focus on my studies (sorry :(...)...Anyway...**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

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**Chapter 28: Catherine**

I'm leaning against the outside door of Sara's apartment. My heart is racing and I'm shaking like a leaf. I almost told her that I loved her, and then I thought she was about to kiss me when in the end she just wanted to hug me. I need to calm myself. I had forgotten why I had physically taken distance from her, now I know, because the simplest contact drives me crazy, making my whole body burn and my reason and resolves crumble.

I need to get out of here.

I'm heaving like I had run a marathon when I reach my car. I let my head fall against the steering wheel and try to compose myself again. This is wrong, this is so wrong. I shouldn't let this happen, I shouldn't give into the temptation. I couldn't let this before happen because Sara was with Nancy. But now she's technically single so….and I want it so badly…and I'm so asking for trouble.

I'm so fucking doomed…

xxxxx

I need to talk to someone, so I go to the only person who could advise me: Warrick. He's been listening to me pouring my soul and heart out ever since I realized that I was in love with Sara, he's been the only one to help to keep my good mood, and without him I would have gone mad a long time ago.

"Cath, hey, is everything alright?" he asks me with a little concern as he opens his door a bit wider for me to come in.

"I'm not sure," I reply as I get inside.

He sits on his couch and I start to pace like a caged animal. He doesn't say anything but I can feel his eyes following me closely. I stop abruptly and turn to him "They broke up," I tell him.

"You mean…"

"Yeah, Sara and Nancy broke up," I clarify my statement. I start to pace again, desperately trying to put some order in my thoughts.

I hear Warrick sighing "Oh no…you didn't…Cath, please tell me that you don't have anything to do with that."

"What?" I say out of pure reflex. I'm so lost in my thoughts that it takes me a while to catch with his words. "No! No, I'm not responsible for anything, I kept my distance, stayed in my corner and let love consume me until it hurts to breathe. They broke up on their own, for their own reasons. I'm not the bad guy," I defend myself.

"You got me a bit worried for a moment," he replies.

I start to pace again. Pacing is good, it helps me to think. I'm just realizing the true meaning of the new factors of the equation. Before there was Nancy and Sara on one side, me and my hurting heart on the other. But now…now things have changed and now we're all standing on an equal foot, all the three of us in our corner, with bruised and broken hearts…

"I have a fair chance."

"What?" I turn to Warrick and frown, silently asking him what's wrong. "You mumble something about chance," he elaborates.

I stare at him with a racing heart then I smile. "Do you realize what's happening?" I ask him.

"No, enlighten me because I'm in the dark right now."

I sigh "This is it. I finally have a chance to be with her."

Warrick looks at me like I had a third eye on my chin. He snorts with disbelief written all over his face "You're not serious. Cath, come on…" he smiles nervously. When he realizes that I meant what I said he shakes his head. "Please tell me you're joking."

"Why? As long as they were together I stepped back. Now that they're not together anymore, there's no foul, it's fair play."

He pinches his nose and rubs his eyes tiredly. "No, no, no, no…..this isn't fair, it's everything but fair. It's stupid, crazy and it's the worse thing you could think about doing."

"No it's not. And I know for sure that Sara might want it too. I know she feels something, I'm not imagining it. I was with her just an hour ago and we had another moment, just like in my office months ago. Only it was more intense, she took me in her arms and it was like our hearts were in perfect osmosis, I could feel hers through my own chest, beating in unison with mine, like our hearts were one," I say agitatedly, my heart is swelling just thinking about Sara's arms around me earlier. "She's not admitting it yet, but I know that if I made her see it, her and I could have a chance together."

"Cath you can't do that!" he says as if I had insulted him.

"Why not?"

"You cannot be serious," he snorts "Why not? Why not?! Because it's wrong that's why, and if you had your head on your shoulders you'll see it as well," he gets up from the couch and goes to the kitchen, he grabs a bottle out of the fridge and comes back, but he stays stand. "This isn't right. This isn't right at all," he says firmly before drinking from his bottle.

"Not right?" I snort bitterly. "I've been literally dying of love for this woman, choking on my feeling, pretending everything was fine when I was in agony…it's been over a year that I'm hurting for her now how right is this? I've spend a year convincing myself that I'd never get a chance to be happy, and now, now this chance has come to me. My chance to be happy and make her happy has come, this is everything but wrong."

"Cath, I know you've been suffering, but you're about to do something truly stupid. This isn't the chance you're looking for, it's an illusion and…"

"You know as my best friend I'd expect some support from you!" I spit. He's starting to piss me off.

"It's because I'm your friend that I'm trying to prevent you from doing something insane. The just broke up and you're…delusional."

"I've spent the last week with Sara, she's opening up to me, we have a special bound, and I'm not stupid I'm not going to jump on her. I'm going to take my time, but I'll make her see what she and I could have."

"Cath," Warrick says firmly with a sigh. "This. Is. Not. Right," he pronounces every word as if I was particularly slow.

"You don't want me to be happy," I state.

"Of course I want you to be happy," he protests.

"Then why are you like this? I want to win the heart of the woman I madly love with and you make it sound like I was planning to kill someone."

"You're about to make a big mistake, you're going to hurt yourself more than anything, you'll be out of this badly burnt and broken-hearted. You could lose her for good, not to mention that you'll probably hurt your sister."

"They broke up! Nancy let her go!"

"Cath you are delusional. Your feelings are blinding you, you're about to step in for your own interest when you don't have your place here," he says silently.

"Did you hear what I said? They broke up, they broke up!"

He sighs heavily. "Alright, I'm going to ask you questions and I want you to answer honestly," he says with a calm voice. "How is Sara?"

I frown "She's hurt, but I'm helping her to be better and…"

"Is she over Nancy?" he asks, not listening to me. "Well? Is she over Nancy?" he repeats and I don't answer, I just look away. He hooks m chin with his fingers and makes me look at him again. "Is Nancy over Sara?"

I don't like his line of questioning. I don't need to have my hope crush down. For the first time since long I feel something else than pain, I actually feel like I have a chance to be happy. It's like I had been underwater for a long time and now I might have a chance to get on the surface and breathe and feel.

"Why are you doing this to me Warrick?" I ask me with a strangled voice. "You had a chance with Sara, Nancy had a chance with Sara, so why shouldn't I have my chance?"

"Because now is not the right time. Yes they did break up, but they've just shared almost two years of their lives. They're still in love with one another, and they're suffering. Don't you think that at some point they'll try to fix things?"

"So I'm supposed to lay back and let my chance go? Is that what you're saying?" I ask angry. "I've been dying for this and if you think I'm going to let this chance go then you're the delusional one!"

"Love isn't selfish, and you're being selfish. This is wrong and you know it."

"Ok so let's say I'm let this chance go. What if Sara finds someone else? What if they get back together for good?"

"Then it will mean that they are meant to be together."

"If I let this chance pass me by I'll regret it all my life," I tell him and bit desperate.

"Didn't it occur to you that maybe you and Sara are never meant to be more than just friends?"

His words literally pierce my heart, and I feel pain being pumped into my veins. I can't help the tears filling my eyes "Thanks Rick, this exactly what I needed to hear."

He sighs "Cath don't think I'm enjoying watching you hurting, don't think I'm having fun telling you this, I'm just doing this for your own sake. I'm your friend and I'm not here to tell you what you need or want to hear, I'm here to be honest. And I don't want you to do something that will leave you more hurt than you already are. Because let me tell you that you're going to put yourself in a world of hurt." He lets his words lingering in the silence surrounding us. "I know I can't keep you from being stubborn, but I won't support you in your action. Yet, I'm your friend and I love you, that's why I'll be here with my spoon to put you back together when your heart will be broken in thousand pieces."

That's a low blow. He's seldom mean but when he is, he always touch his target.

"Some friend you are," I say bitterly. My lips are quivering and tears are silently damping my cheeks. "Go to hell Warrick," I tell him before leaving his place.

I drive back to my place, my heart is heavy with pain. I refuse to think about Warrick's words. Yet my mind acts like a broken record.

'Didn't it occur to you that maybe you and Sara are never meant to be more than just friends?'

He doesn't know what he's talking about. I was there when Sara almost kissed me, I felt her heart beating like mine. I saw the look in her eyes, there was something there, something just for me. I'm not imagining things.

I know, Warrick's wrong. He is.

He has to be.

xxxxx

I'm excited. You want to know why? Because right now, it's 'Sara time'. I can't help the smile on my face. I arrive at her apartment and once in front of the door I knock, not really sure if she'd really be ok with me using the keys.

She opens with a frown "Don't tell me you need an instruction book for the keys," she says with a smirk.

"Sorry, habits."

She smiles in response and lets me in. We cook together and have breakfast, we share light banter but as a general rule we don't talk that much. I don't mind, because it's a comfortable silence. I can see that something's on her mind, but I learned that asking her what was wrong didn't lead me anywhere. So I just keep on with a light banter, knowing that she'll talk to me if she wants to.

Her phone rings and she picks it up. "Hello?...Hey big guy…" she says smiling. It's Jeremy, I can tell by the nickname she just used. One thing I've always admired in her is the way she really involved herself with Nancy's boys. She really took a serious part in their education and their lives with all the complication it implied. And now even though my sister and her aren't lovers anymore she still takes her responsibilities seriously. "Jeremy, we have an agreement and the policy doesn't change, the answer is no…I don't want to know, you knew the rules, still you only did what you wanted, now assume the consequences…No…No….Jeremy….Jeremy, I gave you my final answer, so we're done here," she says a bit agitatedly yet with calm.

Once she hangs up the phone she passes her hands through her hair and sighs heavily. She comes back next to me around the island and starts eating again. She seems to have a lot in her head though, if her frown if of any indication.

"Something's wrong?" I ask. I know I should let her think things through, but she really looks like she could use some friendly ears.

She looks at me a bit surprised, as if she had forgotten I was there. She smiles a bit with a sigh "I won't teach you anything when I say that teenager aren't the easiest person to raise," she rubs her forehead tiredly. "Sometimes the boys and I are on the same wavelength and sometimes we're one galaxy away from each other. Today is on of those times with Jeremy. Anyway," she sighs effectively putting the subject at rest.

"You know, I think it's really good that you kept a big part in the boys' life in spite of the situation."

She looks at me with seriously as if it was perfectly natural. She smiles a bit "Well no matter what happens they'll still be my family."

She does take her role seriously. I don't add anything although I feel a bit unsettled by her statement, for a reason I ignore. We do the dishes together and soon it's time for me to go.

"What are you going to do today?" she asks out of the blue.

"I don't know yet."

"Have you seen _Equilibrium_?"

"Hmm….no, I don't think so. What is it about?"

"You want to find out?"

"Now?" I ask a bit surprised by her offer but immediately happy that she wants to have more time with me.

"If you don't have anything better to do."

Well anything better than spending time with Sara, would be to spend time with Lindsey, and my mother wanted to have time with her granddaughter so no I don't have anything better to do. "That'd be great," I nod with a big smile.

We seat on her couch, her on one end and me on the other. I'd be lying if I said that I had followed the movie plot. I couldn't help but watch Sara. I watched how emotions paint themselves on her features, I could watch her without fearing getting caught because she watches a movie with the same concentration she uses to process a scene.

When I leave to get back home before having to work, my mood has considerably changed. I feel fine and my heart is swelling with love.

xxxxx

Day goes by in the same way. Sara and I send a lot of time together and I couldn't be happier for it. Our relationship is changing as well. We're closer, she's opening up to me and I feel privileged. And the best part in all this is that she started to be touchy around me. I didn't want to be forthcoming so I let every contact or almost coming from her. But now I can hug her whenever I want without feeling like I was doing something wrong, and she actually lets me do it.

It's been two months and a half since Nancy and her broke up. They've started to build a bound again but as friends. I admit that I caught them holding hands more than once and that it hurt me a bit but they don't show any sign of wanting more than friendship, which only comforted me in my plan to take my chance with Sara.

Not to be conceited or anything but ever since we spend so much time together her mood has improved and she looks in a better shape than at the beginning of her break up with Nancy. The weirdest part in all this is that they are living like a divorced couple. Sara spends a lot of time with the boys and sometimes they come to her place for the week end. We got out last weekend with the boys and Lindsey and I felt more connected to her than ever, that day we were like a family.

Sara and I have our new habit. Now we're watching movies together. I found out that she was actually a big fan of cinema. The other day she made me watch a horror movie and I was so scared that I gripped her arms during the whole movie. We ended up crying like babies a sad film. It's funny to see how bare she is when she's watching movies.

I love our time together. When I'm with her everything is fine, I forget all the bad aspect of my life, I forget the horrible thing work left me with, I really see that life is worth living. I found myself wondering what things would have been if I had taken a chance to know her years ago.

And this new evolution of our relationship shows when we're at work. Sure we still have disagreements but it never turns into full blown argument.

"Cath?" her voice calls me back to reality.

"Uh?"

"The movie is starting," she chuckles.

"Yeah, sorry;" I smile at her.

"You know if you're tired we can watch it another day."

"No, I'm fine thanks. Let's watch it."

We start to watch the movie after chuckling. Two months and a half ago there was enough room between us for another person to seat, but now there's barely space, so much that I can feel the warmth of her body burning through the fabric of my clothes.

I open my eyes slowly, feeling a bit disoriented I must have fallen asleep during the movie. "Hey there," I lift my head a bit and realize that I'm resting on her lap. I smile a bit embarrassed.

"I think I was tired after all," I tell her.

She chuckles "I saw that, Bourne had just managed to get in Paris when you fell asleep."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. You can sleep in my bed if you're too tired to drive," she says from the kitchen side.

I stir and yawn. "Thanks for the offer but I should go home, it won't be long before I have to get Lindsey from her dance class."

"As you want, but wait a bit to be more alert before you go," she advises me. "There you go," she says offering a mug of hot and fresh coffee.

We talk a bit more. And then I decide that I really have to go. She walks me to the door and before leaving I'm bolt enough to kiss her cheek. She's surprised by my move but she just blushes and smiles in response.

When I arrive home I still feel her soft skin under my lips.

xxxxx

"Come on Sara, just taste it," I tell her. I've decided to try a new recipe today and I have to admit that even if I have followed the instruction with great care, the result…doesn't really inspire trust. And Sara who's supposed to taste it is reluctant to do it. So we've spent the last twenty minutes looking at her plate.

"Cath, look at it."

"I followed the instruction. There's more than what meets the eyes. Come on and taste it."

"Fine," she says with a dramatic sigh. "Let's hope it's not as good as it looks," she says sarcastically. She puts a bite in her mouth; chews it and spits it out immediately.

"Oh now you're just mean," I say a bit offended. I mean, she could have swallowed at least this bite before telling me that it's not good.

"Taste it," she says before drinking a mug of water.

I put a bite in my mouth and am almost ready to throw up when I taste it. "Oh my god," I say before spitting. I go to the sink and start to drink water straight out from the tap.

She laughs at me "Now we know the difference between…" she looks at the recipe "Three glasses of salt and three glasses of sugar."

I can't believe I made such a rookie mistake. I was so distracted that I confused the jar of sugar with the one of salt. Sara is laughing hard, when I turn around she's holding her ribs. I think it's the first time she actually laughs in months. She always chuckled or had silent laughs when we watched movie, but right now she's laughing with all her heart. I missed that sound and hearing it, knowing that I'm the origin of it makes me happy.

I start to advance on her silently threatening her to kick her if she didn't stop laughing in the instant, but it only makes her laugh harder. She starts to step back still laughing "Cath, come on," she pleads, but her laugh doesn't stop.

I start to chase her and we end up struggling, she's leaning on the back of the couch holding my wrists while I'm trying to get free to tickle her. She manages to reverse our position so I'm the one leaning against the back of the couch. We're both laughing.

"Ok, fine, let me go," I tell her.

"Promise not to tickle me," she asks.

"I promise," I say giggling.

We're both trying to catch our breaths back. She's still holding my hands when we realize how close from one another we are. All the sudden tension falls upon us. My heart starts to race, and my breathing gets shallow. We're staring at each other both a bit breathless after all our laughing. Once more the tension is thick, barely bearable.

Sara let's go of one of my wrists and moves it close to my face. Her hand is shaking, she watching her hand as if she wasn't sure that it was hers, or that she was controlling her body. Her hand is close to my cheek yet it's not touching the skin, but I can feel the warmth of it. I think my heart is about to escape my ribcage for good. Her hands finally lands delicately on my cheek. I let a shaky breath escaping my lips, but I don't move. My whole skin is on fire with this simple touch and I feel electricity stinging my body.

She's still looking at her hand moving. I'm watching her, she seems mesmerized. Suddenly her eyes are on mine again. Her fingers trail on my cheek and her thumb is on my lips, tracing it gently. Her eyes are glue on my lips and she seems to have as much trouble breathing than I do.

This time I won't tell her to go. This time I won't runaway.

I start to close the distance between us, stopping my lips just in front of her, giving her the opportunity to step back.

She doesn't.

I don't waste time being overly happy about it. I look at her one last time, then I lick my lips. This millimetre feels like an inch. I can feel her breath caressing my lips. I move again and…

I kiss her.

Oh. My. Goodness.

I sigh in contentment at the contact. My heart literally explodes when I feel her other hand resting on my waist and pulling me to her. She kisses me back and my legs turn into jelly. I take her bottom lips between mine and suck it, one of my hand is on her shoulder and the other loses itself in her hair. I run my tongue on her lips, asking her for entrance. She parts her lips and our tongues meet.

I can't help the moaning at the sensation. My whole body is swimming into pure bliss. Lucky me she has a firm grip on me because I sure as hell can't stand on my own devices right now.

I'm kissing Sara.

The kiss is slow and exploring, intense, deep, marvellous, wonderful, fantastic, addictive…the kiss is wow. I see stars and floors and fireworks, and I feel like I was on the verge of proofing the theory of the human combustion. The kiss gets more intense and passionate, demanding. She's holding me so close to her that it's like our bodies made one.

I'm in heaven.

I've been living for this moment. There are no words to express what I'm feeling. I'm about to die right on the spot, die of unadulterated happiness and ecstasy. I have reached the Nirvana.

We pull back once to breathe but I kiss her again almost immediately. I'd never have enough of those sensations and feeling, I'm tasting pure bliss, it's better than my first trip on cocaine, better than my best orgasm, better than driving a fast car, better than anything I've ever known.

She pulls back. I try to kiss her again but this time she keeps me at distance. I open my eyes and look at her, she looks lost and frightened. We're both panting, her lips are swollen and there's a faint blush on her cheek. I cup her cheek with one hand, the contact makes her looking at me. "Hey," I whisper with a little smile.

"I'm sorry," she says. I frown not understanding what she's sorry for. "I shouldn't have kissed you, forgive me….I'm sorry."

"Don't be," I try to reassure her. I look at her with all my love "Sara, I wanted this as well. I want it too," I tell her.

"That's the problem. I don't," she says sadly. She takes a step back and buries her face in her hands with a sigh.

"I'm not sure to understand," I reply.

"I don't want it. You're my friend Cath and I don't want this."

I feel a heavy blow crashing on my stomach at her words. I think I'm about to throw up. "You can't kiss me like that and then tell me something like this."

"Don't you see what I'm doing? I'm using you. I'm using you to fill a hole Nancy's left…I feel empty but you're here and I…and I don't find anything better than using you as a substitute…and I...fuck.." she says with agitation. "I want Nancy, I want Nancy because I love her…we're just friend, I don't want anything with you…I'm sorry…"

I can't breathe.

I was high with ecstasy and now I've fallen down so hard that I broke into pieces. I let all my defences down a moment ago so I'm completely vulnerable; her words have a lethal effect. It's like she was killing a bird shooting it with a tank. My brain is refusing to process her words, it refuses to admit this reality.

"Cath…I'm sorry…I'm really sorry…" I hear Sara say. Her voice is distant and even if I'm looking at her I feel like I couldn't see her. She puts her hand on my shoulder but I jerk away, burnt by the touch.

Unadulterated rage travels through me. I ball my hands into tight fists. I look at her with fury, my lips are quivering, my heart is racing, but for different reasons now. Tears of rage are falling on my face "Fuck you Sara," I say between my teeth. "Fuck you," my voice is barely above the whisper.

I grab my belongings and bolt out the door "Cath wait!" I hear her calling me but I don't stop. I'm swaying a little as I walk because my legs are like cotton, my head is spinning. I feel like falling so much that it's giving me vertigo. As soon as I'm outside her building I turn to the grass in front of it and puke. I whip my mouth but still feel queasy. I hold myself on the wall and then try to breathe, but it's like there was no more oxygen in the air, so the deeper I breathe the more I choke.

This is a nightmare, this is a nightmare, I'm going to wake up. This is not happening.

I manage to reach my car and drive away as fast as possible. When I arrive at the destination, I'm still in shock. I can't believe what happened.

I knock on the door with the little strength I still have. "Cath?...My god what happened?" Warrick asks me with panic. I can only guess how I look. He steps back to let me in.

I chuckle bitterly. It takes me more than one try to speak. "You better grab your spoon," I tell him.

He looks at me with a frown but then realisation hits him. He takes me in his arms and my legs give up on me. I fall but he supports me so we land gently on the floor. I start to sob violently. I have a death grip on Warrick, I feel like I was burning from inside, I'm literally dying. I can feel my heart bleeding openly. My sobs are so violent that I can't breathe.

Warrick doesn't say that he had told me so, he doesn't say anything except "I got you sweetie, I got you…"

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**Somehow I feel bad waves coming my way. And to say that I won't be able to update in a while...mouhahahaha...(hum...sorry)...My motto: the easy ways can be boring ;)...(...crawling out of the room)**

**Thanks for reading **


	29. Chapter 29

**Life sucks, work sucks...I had a lot to deal with lately so I wasn't able to update sooner, I'm sorry for the delay. Thanks for your reviews, you make my day each time. I tried to compensate the delay with a long chapter. Anyway...**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: **scuby**, thanks for the arguments and the kick in my ass (yeah I know it sounds like I was masochistic :P...)**

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**Chapter 29: Sara**

I'm standing in front of my door. I got the doorknob in hand and the forehead resting against the door. Or more accurately I'm banging my head against the door. I've been doing that ever since Cath left out of here. A part of me wanted to go after her but I knew that if I did it'd have only make things worse.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT!!" I repeat always louder and banging my head on the door rhythmically. I growl "FUCK!" I shout to no one before banging my head hard against the door.

Fuck that hurts.

Then again, I do deserve hurt right now. I just hurt one of the persons I care for the most. I hurt Catherine. Damn it Sidle, why are you such an asshole?!

It had started as a fine day. Cath was around she made some attempt at cooking, it was awful but we laughed about it. And then I screwed things up badly. I kissed her.

No wait, that's a lie. I let her kiss me and then I kissed her back. It was no peck on her lips, it was a full kiss with me tasting her lips, her tasting mine, our tongues dancing together. It was a real kiss. And what a kiss. The least we can say is that there's chemistry between us. But that's all that it is, chemistry. Once I got past that I regain some of my sense and realized what I had done. Kissing her back was a bad thing in itself but to find out that she wanted more than this kiss was worse. Because now I feel like the lowest form of life on Earth and somewhere I'm right…

I don't think I could have fuck things up more than I did even if I had wanted it.

I turn my back to the door and let myself sliding down, I lean my head back and close my eyes.

Stupid, stupid, stupid…

I stay right where I am for a long moment then I get up and grab the phone. I dial a number I know by heart and wait for an answer.

"_Brown."_

"Rick, can you come over? I could really use a friend right now."

Use a friend uh? Nice pun Sidle. And for information you already 'used' a friend.

"_You're not the only one,"_ he answers. Something's wrong because I can recognize this tone. He's mad at me. It's a fact he never denies me except when I did fuck things up with him. But right now I don't get why he would be mad at me. Wait…

Of course it makes sense. He's Catherine's best friend as well. Great.

"She's with you?" I ask not needing to precise who 'she' is.

"_Yes, and I'm sure you'll understand that right now your need for a friendly ear isn't my priority at the moment,"_ he explains. Though I know he's right and I totally understand, it's the first time he rejects me and that his tone is cold with me and right now it hurts.

"Yeah, I understand," I reply flatly. I sigh and I'm about to hang up when he calls me again.

"_Dolly…"_ he says before sighing. There's a long silence. Like I said before he can't deny me, just like I can't deny him. There's this thing between us that make us want to be there for one another. We have this bound ever since we became friend and being lovers made it stronger. The fact that he used the affective nickname he gave me tells much more than long explanations. It lets me know that even if he's mad at me he still cares._ "I'll come around tomorrow ok?" _he says in a slightly softer voice.

"I'd appreciate that," I say not covering the twinge of despair in my voice. "Now go," I tell him.

"_See you tomorrow,"_ he adds before hanging up.

Great, until tomorrow I'm left on my own devices to dwell on things.

This is a nightmare.

xxxxx

I haven't slept at all. When Warrick arrives I'm on the verge of insanity. He gets in and sits on the couch. I needed just to occupy my mind before so I have cleaned the whole place twice and then reorganized everything. I'm desperately in need to talk to someone.

Warrick stares at me as I'm pacing in front of him.

"I fuck things up," I say still pacing.

"No, 'fuck things up' doesn't apply here. You fucked things up when you stood me up and ruin our date out of pride. You fucked things up when you were too stubborn to admit your weakness and put us in danger at work. Now what you did is way beyond the 'fuck things up' category. It's the rank above."

As I listen to him spitting his words to me I start to wonder why I asked him to come. I certainly don't need someone to make me feel shittier than I already feel.

"Rick," I try to warn him, to tell him not to piss me off.

"What? Don't tell me you thought I'd take it easy on you, because then it'd mean that you don't know me as well as I thought you did," he replies harshly. "Now either you grit your teeth and take what I have to say, either I can go."

He sends me a hard look. I knew this was coming, that he would give me hard time about it. Knowing it doesn't make it any easier. But you rip what you saw, and I really don't want him to go, so I'll grit my teeth and assume my action.

"What did she tell you?" I ask after a long silence.

"We're not discussing Catherine. Whatever you put yourself into you're going to fix it like a big girl, I'm not here to play the go between," he says firmly. I balled my fist, his attitude is starting to frustrate me but he's right. I have no right to ask him to break Catherine's confidence, and this is no high school so can't ask him help to fix things up either.

"She kissed me and I kissed her back," I state. My mind is a mess and I don't really know what I want to say. Lucky me I'm talking to Warrick so he'll be able to understand me no matter what. "After Nancy and I broke up Catherine harassed me on the phone then she forced herself here. She gave me an ultimatum, having her around once a day to eat or having her calling me all day long. I agreed on having her around. At first I was more than bothered, because all I wanted was to mope around on my own. Anyway, she kept coming around and I realized that I was glad she came. She was keeping from being depressed. And because…" I trail off; once more feeling like crap as reality slaps me in the face.

"Because?" Warrick enquires.

"Because she was a good substitute to Nancy. I mean, she would not leave me alone, we'd talk and laugh and…Cath is a touchy person and her affectionate side was welcome."

"So you used her fully aware of that fact?" he asks me in disbelief. "Why did you kiss her then?"

The answer to this question is probably worst than the acknowledgement that I used Catherine. "I just wanted to know how it felt like, I guess."

"You guess?"

"There were moments before when her and I almost kiss. I was with Nancy then so nothing happened. Well now…I guess that part of me that wanted to kiss her won," I say feeling disgust invading me.

It's true. More than once there was this tension between Cath and I, when I was with Nancy kissing Catherine was impossible. But now that Nancy and I aren't together anymore, I couldn't resist to the temptation. And it was a great kiss because of the chemistry. But for me it was just a kiss. "Thing is that she wants more or at least she wanted more than that kiss." I add.

"Who the hell are you?" Warrick asks me with a mix of anger, disbelief and disgust. "She's your friend and you treat her like some experiment? You used her like she was some trash! I can't believe you!!" he explodes. "You know what? If you weren't my friend and if I didn't love you like I do, my foot would be so far up your ass at the moment that you'd be sucking my toes by now!!" he spits. "I can't believe you did this! Damn it Sara!"

I watch him as his rage is spilling over. I don't say anything, considering that he's Catherine's closest friend his reaction was to be expected. "I'm so mad at you right now," he states the obvious once he has calmed down.

"I'm mad at myself and I really hope I'll be able to fix things up because I really can't afford to lose her," I say more to myself than to him.

"Yeah, well you probably should have thought about that sooner," he says flatly.

"Look I know I screwed up badly but you're not helping with your attitude!" I snap. "I understand why you are mad, but I need a friend right now, so please put your anger aside for a moment," I beg him.

He sighs heavily but nods. It hurts to have him mad at me but I deserve it. I know that neither of us like the situation, but I also know that I don't have it in me to fight him right now.

A long silence fills the room. We both get lost in our thoughts. "You know if I was Catherine it'd be a long time before I ever talk to you again," he states.

But he's not Catherine, so I know that the consequences are about to be worse. Damn what have I done? I think I'm going to be sick. I'm realizing all I'm about to lose, Catherine's trust and possibly her friendship.

I feel two arms surrounding me. I let myself go in the embrace. "That's about all the help I can provide you," Warrick states. I know he's right so I hold him fiercely, because I need strength right now.

xxxxx

I drag my feet to work. I dread to see Catherine. I've been honest with her about the kiss, but I could have put some form to my words instead of my bluntness. I'm expecting her to really make m life a Hell, but at least I saw this one coming.

When I arrive she's already in the break room, she seems in a good mood as she's sharing a light banter with the boys. I'm even more reluctant to make my presence known. I'm even tempted to make myself invisible.

"Hey Sara!" Nick exclaims. Well so much for being invisible.

I clear my throat and take a deep breath, putting a friendly face on when in fact I'm so nervous that my stomach is tied up in knots. "Hey guys," I answer before reaching the coffee pot. They greet me back. They keep on talking about whatever they were talking when I arrived.

Catherine seems in a good mood. But her mask fades away quickly as our stares cross path, her smile fades away and she send me a stern look, then the next second as if nothing happened she's cheerful again.

"Alright kids, Nick robbery on Henderson, Warrick and Greg murder on the strip, Catherine Car accident near the Tangier," Grissom announces.

"Hum Grissom? Hello?" I say waving my hand at his attention.

"Oh yeah, Sara, paperwork."

"This is a joke right?" I ask him

"You owe me two weeks of paperwork, so you're grounded," he jokes. Everyone chuckles while I sigh loudly in disapproval. Great.

xxxxx

I spend my shift alone in a recluse lab, scratching paper. At least working keeps my mind busy, and I don't have to face Catherine just yet, although I'd rather be on the field right now.

I put the final note on the umpteenth report of my shift and decide to go put it on Grissom's desk which will allow me to get m fix of caffeine.

I'm checking m y report one last time as I walk through the corridor, one creepy yet amazing thing is that my feet seem to have a mind on their own because they know their way around.

Suddenly I stop my progression as I hear my name being called. I turn around and see Greg winking at me, I smile at this. I look again at my files and start to walk again but I'm stop short as I collide hard with something or rather someone judging by the curse.

"Damn it!" exclaims the other person.

My breath is cut by the collision but it's not all I feel my hand and my stomach starting to burn me. Great I'm covered with hot coffee, correction burning hot coffee. I'm starting to shake my hand in a useless attempt to ease the hurt.

"Why can't you look where you're going Sidle?!"

I look up and see a pissed off Catherine equally covered with coffee. "Well, it takes two to tango if you had been looking as well we might not have collided."

I look down where my files landed and they are now covered with black stains.

"Oh come on!" I exclaim. Hours of filling boring papers only to have to do it again. I hold my lips tight together not to swear more and not to lash out on Catherine.

We stare at each other, I'm expecting her to implode but instead she shakes her head and starts to pick up my files. She hands them to me. "You should pass some water over your hand," she says.

"Yeah, but I think I should change first."

"Me too," she sigh annoyed.

We both go to the locker room. I put my files on the bench and go put some water on my hand. I'll have a mark for a few days I think but nothing bad.

Catherine is silently changing. It's weird, in normal circumstances she would have made some other bad comments or just been plain pissed, right now she looks tired.

I grab a new shirt in my locker and process to change. I sigh at the uncomfortable silence. "Tough shift?" I ask her.

"Don't bother," she replies not looking at me. "We're not going to chit chat about everything and nothing. We're not going to beat around the bush and act like nothing happened. As far as I'm concerned," she says before looking at me "We're through."

Wow. I feel oxygen leaving my lungs and my head starting to spin. My ears are burning at her words and my brain refuses to process them. I was expecting a lot of things, but not that. I think I'm going to be sick.

"I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore, unless it's work related," she says firmly yet with a flat voice. She buttons up her shirt and stands up. She closes her locker with a little thud. "I'm sorry about your files," she throws over her shoulder as she leaves the locker room.

I feel my legs turning into cotton so I sit down and keep on looking at her retreating figure.

I'm going to be sick.

xxxxx

It's been a week since the last time I saw Catherine. Well that's not completely true. I've seen her through the glass walls of the different labs; in the break room; in the corridor; in the break room before getting assignments and for eventual coffee breaks; in the locker room when every one is getting ready to go home or on the field; and sometimes outside work when it's time to take Jeremy, Allan and Lindsey at school. One common thing with all those moment is the fact that she ignores me and that she never stays more than 30 seconds in my company and as if fate was against me we haven't had any assignment together.

I don't know what's worse. To have Catherine pissed at me and lashing at me every opportunity she gets, or having her pissed at me and completely ignoring me. I think that I'm actually wishing for us to have a bad argument, at least I'd stop feeling invisible. There's nothing worse than being ignored. Or yes actually there is, being ignored and losing a friend in the process.

I never thought I'd screw things up that badly. I'm only hoping I'll get a chance to repair the damages I've done.

xxxxx

I'm back home – at Nancy's. It's temporary. She had a conference in Chicago and she asked me to take care of the boys for the three days she'd be away.

I've known many breaks up in my life but none had ever hurt because I've never been really involved with someone before Nancy. And though my break with Nancy hurts, we haven't really broken up. I mean we're seeing each other everyday and except for the fact that we don't share the same bed anymore, we pretty much keep on living like we were together. We have our routine and our daily life all planned.

And though that's the best part of it, I mean still having a family life it's hard because it's incomplete. But I'd rather have this than nothing at all.

Ever since our break Nancy and I haven't had time together. We haven't talked about things, we haven't really talked about anything, just keep each other posted for the daily routine.

xxxxx

I feel pressure on the bed and sneaky arms wrapping me from behind. It takes me out of my light sleep. I relax in the familiar touch and enjoy the feeling, yes, I'm home. I've always loved Nancy's habit to snuggle.

"How was your flight?" I ask sleepily.

"It was okay. How are the boys? How was your day?" she sounds as sleepy as I am.

"They're fine and day was alright. They spent the afternoon with Lilly, we did all the homework for the week end when they came back, we talked, had dinner and then watched a movie before calling it a day," I sum up the day.

"Sounds fun," she says.

"I left you a plate with dinner in the kitchen."

"I know, my favourite dish, it was good, thank you," though I can't see her I know she's sporting a smile right now.

"How was the conference?"

"I'll tell you later, go back to sleep," she chuckles.

When we were together Nancy and I had to deal with the fact that I work night, it meant having pillow talk. We'll talk for the little hours we had together when I came back from work and she was about to get ready for going. We'd talk even if we were tired and I loved those moments, there was just us in a bubble of love.

I chuckle at her reply and roll on my back so I can take her in my arms properly and hold her tight against me. Her immediate reaction is to snuggle deeper into me, so she's almost on me. I squeeze her a bit and kiss her head. "I missed you," I tell her. I'm not only talking about the last three days.

I feel her lips kissing my neck once, then twice. She starts to kiss my jaw line and lifts herself up a bit and delivers a sweet kiss on my lips lingering there a bit. When she pulls back I caress her hair and grins a little. She grins back and then rests her head against my shoulder again.

I drift into sleep with the satisfaction of feeling safe and home.

xxxxx

I wake up before Nancy, prepare breakfast and then start the morning ritual with the kids. One hour later everyone is ready to start a day. I take the boys and Lindsey to school and get back home to take care of Nancy.

When I arrive she's still sleeping. I prepare her a big breakfast and then start to clean the house. She wakes up a bit later and goes straight in the bathroom to have a shower. When she comes in the living room she's wearing black shorts and one of my shirts which looks big on her. Her hair is dripping wet and the three first buttons of the shirt are open revealing her delicate skin.

I can't help the smirk on my lips as I see her. Damn it awakens all my senses. She's sexy, I've always liked how she could make the simplest clothes look hot.

She's oblivious of my gaze though, she's still not out of her cobwebs. She finally acknowledges my presence with a smile. "Morning," she breathes out before sitting on a chair in the kitchen. I put a plate in front of her. I made a smiley with eggs and bacon, she chuckles and looks at me with sparkle in her eyes. "Thank you," she says with a singing voice. On normal circumstances she would have given me a peck on the lips. But her smile is more than enough. She starts to eat as I keep cleaning the kitchen. The silence between us is comfortable.

"I slept like a baby," she suddenly says.

I turn to her "Yeah me too."

I hadn't slept that well since…well since the last time her and I had slept together. It's true what they say, you're never better than home. I can't believe I let that go.

"Shame I missed the kids this morning," she adds.

"Yeah, they wanted to see you too."

"There wasn't any problem in my absence?" she asks.

"Jeremy and I have a hard time to communicate but we always manage to get on the same wavelength. Oh and Allan wants a telescope since Lilly took them to the planetarium," I chuckle and she just shakes her head. "How was your conference?" I ask again the question she didn't answer last night.

She starts to relate me the three last days. And I listen to her with a rapture attention. I missed her voice, her expressions when she's talking about something, the little sounds she makes when she's in a playful mood.

She stands up to put her plate in the sink. I'm leaning against the counter so we're close from one another. We stare at each other. She doesn't leave my eyes as she puts her plate down. We both hold our breaths, then she looks away. "I missed you," I whisper.

She looks at me again with her intense, deep green eyes. "I missed you too."

Right now I don't know if we're just talking about the three days she was away or more. I can see her chest moving faster as her breathing is shortened. She breaks the eye contact and starts to turn around to walk away, but I prevent her move by grabbing the lapels of her shirt. I can see her bottom lips shaking a bit. I bring her to me with the lapels and kiss her.

I feel, tingles, electricity over my body and fireworks exploding in my heart. I've just reached the Nirvana.

The kiss is slow, deep and sensual. It's like an old dance yet it's new.

I pull back slowly as I need oxygen. I rest my forehead against hers, keeping my eyes closed. "I miss you," I whisper between two breaths. I open my eyes and look at her. She brings her hand next to my cheek, I can feel the heat emanating from it but she makes a fist before touching me as if she had been about to make something forbidden. She takes a step back from me and I look at her. She seems lost, confused.

I close my eyes and sigh, then I go grab my jacket and leave.

xxxxx

Hours later, while I'm still dwelling on the fact that things hadn't changed between Nancy and I, although last night I was under the impression that she wanted us to be together again, there's a knock on the door of my apartment.

I'm tempted not to answer but I go at the door anyway. I look through the peephole and don't really believe what I see. I open the door and stare at Nancy. I let her come in. She passed me by and I close the door behind her. When I turn around she's blocking the way. She puts a hand on my chest and pushes me back gently against the door. I don't have time to ask her what's going on as she connects her lips with mine.

Her kiss is made of fire and more. I grip her hips to keep myself up straight. Her hands are in my hair pulling me to her. She pulls back panting. "I miss you too. Damn, I miss you, so badly it hurts," she says with a desperate voice.

I cup her face and make her looking at me. "I love you," my voice is thick with feelings. "I love you."

"I love you too," she says with tears.

Then we kiss again. If it was slow and tender at first it quickly turns into something more demanding and desperate. We bumped into a few walls as we try to reach my bedroom. By the time we get there half our close are gone. Our movements are urgent as if our bodies were trying to get back all the time they've been apart. We almost never stop kissing, it was like oxygen was coming from the other's mouth. It's not long before our bodies make a fusion, not long before we make one in a choir of breaths and moans.

She cries out her release in a last effort digging her nails on my back and then kisses me frantically. And even now the vivid need to feel the other hasn't faded away and I don't think I'd be satiated even if I was under her skin right now.

We don't stop this fierce and passionate embrace until we can't move from exhaustion. We're holding each other tightly, we are one body with two hearts beating in perfect unison.

I'm startled by the phone. I extend my arms to take it. "Sidle?" I say a bit disoriented.

"_Sar, it's Greg, I know it's your day off but there's a pile up on the strip and Grissom asked to call to arms,"_ my brain is in no condition to be operational so it takes me half a minute to process the words I'm hearing. _"Sar?"_

"Uh…Yeah, sorry. I'm on my way."

"_Ok see you there,"_ Greg says before hanging up.

I put the phone back on its cradle and rub my eyes a bit as if it would make the sleepiness disappear. I turn to Nancy who's blinking into consciousness again. "You have to go?" she asks me although it's more rhetorical than anything.

"Yeah, they're calling everyone in," I say as I disentangle myself from her slowly. Every new inch of my skin that loses the contact with hers starts to sting suffering from the first wave of withdrawal. We both sit on the bed trying to get our head clear before moving out of the bed. We look at each other. There are so many things to say.

"Will you come back home after?" she asks me. I feel insecurity in her voice as if she doubted that anything just happened or that it was nothing but the answer to a physical need.

I cup her face gently and kiss her, trying to convey all my feelings in that simple touch. "Yes I will," I voice out my answer. She smiles and I smile back. In a moment of clarity I leave the bed and go to the bathroom to have a quick shower. I come back into the bedroom and go to the bed to take Nancy in my arms. I imprint myself with her scent again and kiss her one last time. "Rest a bit, I'll see you home later."

"Be careful out there," she asks me seriously. I nod and kiss her again then stand up and leave her there. She lies back down and grabs my pillow before closing her eyes again.

Once in the living room I go to the fridge to grab a bottle of water. As I turn around to leave something catches my eyes. I stop dead in my tracks. There's a spare keys set on the island. I know it's not Nancy's, nor my emergency one, and there's only one person to have the spare keys to of this place.

Catherine.

I know for a fact that those keys weren't there before Nancy arrived. So it means…

Shit.

xxxxx

The pile up is pretty ugly and it takes us hours to process, and if it wasn't for the help of day shift we'd need days to process everything. And to complicate things a little more it has started to pour rain. I grab all the evidence I can and find shelter in the closest car. And lucky me it happens to be…Catherine's.

She had the same idea so we're now stuck in a confined space until the weather allows us to get out again and salvage every single evidence we can. There's enough tension to choke on.

"I found your keys on the island," I state after two long minutes of silence.

"I knocked several time with no success, I assumed you were out," she states. I don't correct her. Maybe she came by when Nancy and I were asleep. "I take it you and Nancy are back together," she adds. Well I won't have such luck. I don't know what to answer so I don't reply. "Congratulation," she says flatly, with a twinge of bitterness. "Did you tell her anything?" she asks after a long moment.

"No, not yet."

"Good and you won't ever tell her anything," she orders me.

"I'm not lying to her."

"After treating me like you did, this is the least you owe me. I mean I'm pissed enough at myself to have fallen for such a trick so I'd rather keep the little dignity I still have untouched. So you won't tell anything because nothing happened," she says vehemently.

I'm not okay with it, but she has a point when she says that I owe her that much.

There's nothing but the steady sound of pouring rain again. We're both looking through our windows, lost in thoughts. It's been weeks since she declared that we were through and I can't let this happen, I decide that now is the time to let things in the open. "So this is how things are going to be from now on? You're going to ignore me and just throw comment every now and then?"

"I thought I was clear. We're through," she says with an emotionless voice.

Something's off. I don't know this Catherine. I'd have expected her to be mad at me, to bitch at me but this new 'I'm keeping my cool and ignore you' thing is bothering me. It's like she had given up on me and our friendship.

"Well I'm not okay with it," I tell her firmly.

"I don't remember asking for your opinion."

"I have my say in this, I mean it concerns me as well."

"You don't have your say in this, not after the way you treated me," she protests.

"I made a mistake and I'm sorry about it."

"Good you're sorry. Do you feel like it made a difference?" she asks rhetorically.

"If I could turn back time I would. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings…"

She snorts "Don't flatter yourself. Feelings? I'm a big girl, Sara…I can deal with hurt feelings…and trust me, what you did, didn't hurt my feelings" she chuckles bitterly. "You bruised me ego at most," she sighs.

Call me conceited but somehow that comment hurts. "I made a mistake, and even if I want to I can't change what's been done. Can't we just try to move on?"

"I have moved on Sara," she says in a tone that suggests more than she tells. "Like I said, we're through."

"Don't say that. Please tell me what I have to do to salvage our friendship, I'll do anything," I tell her honestly.

"I'm not sure there's enough of a friendship here to salvage," she replies in a jaded tone. "I mean, we spent years at each other's throats; we managed to be friend before I found out that you were dating my sister and I was angry about that so we took a huge step back; we tried again; and then again it didn't work….maybe someone is trying to send a us a message, maybe we're not meant to be friends."

She cannot be serious, right? I mean, our relationship is not the easiest but it doesn't mean that it's the worse or that we should give up on it. "That's unfair," I say angrily.

"The only thing unfair is the way you treated me Sara…"

"I remember you treating my like shit, yet when you asked me for another chance I did give it a try because I thought your friendship was worthy."

"Oh so we're keeping a balanced sheet of everything now? It's all about being even, is that it?" she snaps. "Do you realize that you're being petty?" there we go. The feisty Catherine I know I back on the game.

"I gave you many second chances after you treated me worst. I make one mistake and you throw me away like our friendship didn't mean anything."

"Then you're a so much better person that I am. You can be proud of yourself," she replies sarcastically.

"How come you can make mistakes but other people have to be perfect?" I ask frustrated. I sigh and calm myself "I miss my friend. I need your friendship," I confess honestly. "I'm sorry things got out of hand, and if could take that moment back I'd do it."

"Well, you can't…and it doesn't matter, Sara."

"Cath…"

"Tell me, why is it so important to you?"

"It's important because you mean a lot to me. You're one of my closest friends and I don't want to lose you."

"I…"

"Doesn't this mean anything to you?" I ask her.

"I can't be your friend Sara," she says a bit desperate.

"I won't hurt you again."

"The thing is this Sara, I don't want to give you the chance to hurt me again. I can't…" she looks like she was about to cry but shakes her head. "I can't because for some reason you manage to hurt me more than anyone else I've ever known," she sighs heavily. "I just can't be your friend, period."

"That's it then?" my tone is cold. I'm so mad at her right now.

"Yeah, I think it's for the best."

"For the best?" I snort "For who exactly?"

"Sara," she says with exasperation.

"Why did you have to go and kiss me?" I almost shout at her.

"Oh that's rich, now it's going to be my fault right? I can't believe you. You kissed me back!"

"Why Catherine?"

"It's irrelevant," she dismisses me.

"You're crashing our friendship so I think it's relevant. Since you're about to fuck me over I think I deserve an explanation."

"Sara, don't do this. Just let it go. We won't fight, but we won't be friends anymore. I can't be your friend….I just can't…not when I…"

"When you what Catherine?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Catherine," I seethe.

"I can't be just your friend Sara. Don't you get it?! I can't be just your friend!!" she explodes.

I'm about to ask her what does that mean when realisation hits me. We're staying at each other. She looks fragile and silent tears are on her face. Oxygen has left my lungs as if I had received a blow. This can't be. She can't have feelings for me, she can't, she just can't.

"Cath I…" I start but tail off. her expression changes in a nanosecond. She goes from looking vulnerable to furious. Her features are hard, and her look is dark and angry.

"It doesn't matter," she says through her teeth. "We're through," she repeats firmly. And with that she gets out of the car under pouring rain, leaving me speechless and dizzy. I think I'm going to be sick.

What have I done?

xxxxx

I come back home to Nancy feeling exhausted. She's in the kitchen when I arrive. We look at each other silently before rushing toward one another and getting lost in a bruising kiss. The desperation from earlier is still there. It's like we were afraid that this wasn't happening. We pull back to breathe our forehead are touching. I grin a little and caress her cheek. "We should talk," I tell her and she nods her assent.

We step away from each other but she takes my hand in her and doesn't let it go. We sit on the couch, there's barely space between us, we need this connection right now, it's been far too long since we've had it. We talk about how we went through things for those last three months. We talk about our expectations and about how we should take things slowly and avoid the mistakes of the past. An hour or two later we are both drained by the conversation.

I know that I won't blow the chance that is offered to me. I'm feeling alive again and I know it's only thanks to Nancy. We're meant to be together and I know we can be happy together.

At last I'm back home.

xxxxx

Days go by smoothly. Nancy and I are slowly getting our marks again in this relationship and we are enjoying the bliss of renewal. We're enjoying the closeness, the tenderness and the easy gestures. We've always been really demonstrative so those last three months have been really hard for both of us. Now that we're back together I guess we're trying to make up for the lost time.

"Cath is coming to dinner tonight," Nancy announces me.

Catherine and I haven't had a non related talk ever since the pile up case. Like she had foreseen it we're not fighting, we are amiable toward one another but we're not friends. Every now and then we share a joke but mostly we became strangers. When Nancy's around we don't let anything show but the rest of the time she ignores me unless we have to work together or she needs me to take Lindsey to school when she can't make it. A part of me is hoping that this situation is just temporary. It's hard not to be her friend when she's a part of my life, she is my lover's sister after all. I miss our friendship badly, and I tried to make things change, but I know that it will have to come from her. Until then I just have to swallow the bitter pill. What you rip is what you saw.

"She's bringing her date along," Nancy adds. I snap my head at her.

Catherine is dating someone? Who is it? And why does it bother me to hear this?

* * *

**You want Cath and Sara to be together, and I'll grant you what you're asking when the time is right. I'm a girl with a plan, so even though it seems like I didn't know what I was doing or where I was going, I do know. Just have a little faith in me.**

**Thanks for reading.**


	30. Chapter 30

**Hi everyone! Thank you so much for your review. Here's the answer to your question. I'm sorry if I take time but I had to write for the other fic too...which took time. Anyway...**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: **scuby** I'm sorry I made you waste your time with this one with the beta. I tried to do it myself but i'm still french...so it won't be as good as when you do it.**

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**Chapter 30: Catherine**

I go open the door as I hear the bell ringing. I take a deep breath before opening the door. "Hey," I greet my date.

Yes, you heard me right, I said date. She steps inside and offers me a bouquet of flowers. I gasp and smile genuinely touched by this little attention "Cameron, you shouldn't have."

"Seeing the smile it earns me, it was worth it," she answers.

"Let me put those in a vase. Go ahead and make yourself home," I tell her as I leave her in the living room.

I met Cameron in a diner. Our first meeting was rather percussive. I was a bit on the mood after having put a double shift and I didn't see her coming. I ended up throwing my coffee on her. Somehow she managed to talk me into taking her out on a date to make it up for ruining her shirt. She's been flirting with me openly, it took me time but eventually I gave in and flirt back. Now it's been a little more than four weeks that we've been seeing each other on regular bases.

I decided that it was time for me to move on. I mean I've wasted more than a year, waiting for Sara, a woman who doesn't want me, and when finally I had what I wanted, she threw me away without consideration, breaking my heart in pieces. The worse thing in all this is that even though Sara had rejecting me after our kiss, even though I was hurting badly, a part of me was still willing to wait for her. I was actually weak enough to give her another chance, to have an explanation, claim her apology and fix things up. When I arrived at her place I knocked on the door without success. Since I had the keys I thought I'd wait for her inside. Getting inside her apartment was probably worst than having her rejecting me after our kiss.

Everything stopped, and my heart definitely stopped beating. I felt like I was stabbed, there was this vivid pain in my chest, as if my heart was bleeding. I didn't think I could have been more hurt than days before, but I was wrong. This time the pain was so intense that I couldn't feel anything anymore.

I could hear them, I could hear Sara and Nancy giving themselves to each other. I heard them in the most intimate moment. I could feel the intensity of there lovemaking from the sound of it.

It was the death blow. All the strength, all the life I had left just deserted me right then. I put the keys on the island and left as fast as I could.

After that I've decided to move on. It was time for me to stop hoping for something that won't ever happen. I should start to live again for myself. So my meeting with Cameron came at the best moment.

Cameron is tall, brunette, young, smart, funny, intelligent and witty, she has a sharp mind and a dry sense of humour. And not to spoil anything she's beautiful. I know what you're going to say, I've chosen Sara's double but you're wrong. Cameron has green eyes.

Yeah right, who am I kidding? Cameron looks like Sara's long lost sister, Cameron's my substitute for Sara. Before you say anything please let me explain myself. I'm not using Cameron, I'm not playing with her. I really like her. I'm accepting the fact that I won't ever have Sara, so it means that I have to settle for the second best, because I have to move on.

I think I deserve to be happy after all the suffering I've been through. Sara won't make me happy, as hard as it is for me to accept that, it's the truth. Don't get me wrong I'm not saying that Cameron is making happy. She's putting light into my drab existence. She's putting good mood and she's providing a nice change. I might not be happy right now but at least Cameron is trying to lead me there.

We have a really slow relationship, like really slow. Any slower would mean going backwards. As willing as I am to move on, I'm broken hearted and my heart has been burnt at the third degree. I can't give much to Cameron, which doesn't mean that I don't take this seriously. She's really understanding about everything. She takes what she can get without complain, she doesn't ask for more even if she wants it. She doesn't put pressure on me, she's not pushy. Any normal person would have given up a long time ago. I mean for the five week we've been dating, we've seen each other almost everyday, yet the more physical it got was her holding my hand and hugging me once something like two weeks ago. We never kissed. Yet Cameron is sweet and attentive, she's accepting to go at my pace and I'm more than grateful for that.

I used to be a very touchy person, but I also used to have a heart in one piece. Loving Sara made me wear my heart in my sleeves, it took everything away from me, my confidence, my trust, my strength, my ability to feel. I put my heart at her feet and she toyed with it, tortured me smashed it before burning it, laughing hard and walking away. I'm vulnerable, fragile, and my first instinct was to put the remains of my poor heart in and impenetrable and inaccessible safe chamber with four meters thick walls. That way at least I won't go insane and no one will have a chance to hurt me.

Cameron and I are going to dinner at Nancy's. Nancy was adamant about me coming at her place for a dinner, she said it had been too long since I did come for that. It's easy to draw a time frame, the last time I was there for dinner was the day before I kissed Sara, and that was a little more than two months ago.

I have to give Sara and I credit, we're good at pretending that everything is fine. We are the only one to know that our happy mood around one another is a fake. And she's making things easy for me, at least she has this courtesy. Nancy hasn't picked upon anything, although I think that being back with Sara is blinding her for a lot of things. I don't blame her, I mean if I was with Sara I know that my world and life would resolve around her, the real world could come to an end in front of my eyes that I wouldn't notice, as long as Sara is with me.

But Sara won't ever be with me.

The worse in all this is not so much to be aware of the fact that it won't happen, but rather to know what it could be like. To know how her touch feel, to know how her lips taste, how her laugh sounds, how her voice can sing.

I must not think about this. It only makes it hard for me to breathe, and painful for my heart to keep on beating.

I don't feel ready to spend an evening on Sara's company. I mean even at work except if it's really necessary, I never stay more than thirty seconds around her. Every time I see her I feel a thousand forbidden feelings. There are butterflies in my stomach; I'm a bit dizzy and nervous; I feel my whole body stinging with the want to touch her; I feel a warm fuzzy feeling coursing through my entire being; I can feel her hot breath on my lips and the burning kiss we shared; I feel her sweet, warm and delicate touch on my cheek; I feel her arms surrounding my body, making me feel on top of the world; I feel my heart swelling with unadulterated and unconditional love; I go weak on my knees. I go weak, period.

Love is a masochistic feeling. It's a mix of raw pain and unconditional affection. Even now, I'm head over heels in love with Sara, even now I'd give up everything in a heartbeat should she come to me and declares that she loves me –like this moment will ever happen.

I hate myself for feeling that way. This woman hurt me more than anybody ever did. Eddie and all the stupid asses after him wouldn't start to compare even if they'd be all reunited. Sara has touched me to the core, and she's hurt me just the same.

I don't think I'll ever be happy, because I know for sure that happiness, for me, means to be with Sara. That being said it doesn't mean that I won't try to get as close to happy as one can be.

I might get there thanks to Cameron, that is, if she doesn't give up on me before.

"Everything's okay in there?" I'm startled by the soft tone of Cameron's voice, so much that I drop my vase and don't have time to catch it back before it crashes down and shatters in to pieces.

"Damn it!" I curse.

"I didn't mean to startle you, sorry" she says. I feel her hand gently resting on my shoulder and I jerk away in surprise. I failed to notice her moving closer to me.

We look at each other. Her hand falls back on her side and she gives me an apologetic look. She's hurt with my reaction to her touch, I can see that much. I feel like a wounded animal, any unexpected or blunt physical contact scares me. I open my mouth to apologize to her but nothing comes out. The hurt in her eyes goes away as quickly as it had appeared, replaced by a sad yet affectionate look. She kneels down silently and starts to pick up some shards of glass on the floor.

I kneel down as well and start to clean my mess. I can feel her glancing at me several times yet I don't dare looking at her. I move around my kitchen ignoring her. I can see her with my peripheral vision ass she stands and throw the shards she has in hand in the trash bin, then she grabs another vase she finds on the top of the fridge, puts some water in it and adds the flowers before putting it all on the kitchen table. I stand up a first time to throw away the glass pieces I have in my hand, I look on the floor and see some more shards. I crouch down again and pick them up. As I stand one more time I can feel Cameron moving toward me which only causes me to cling on the shard hard.

"Shit!" I open my hands letting the shard fall and look at my hand which is now bleeding. I see Cameron's hand dropping some more pieces of glass in the bin, then she bends down to grab the bloody piece on the floor before throwing it away.

She reaches out for my wounded hand but I jerk it away abruptly as if her touch would have burnt me. I look at her then look away not standing to see hurt coming back in her eyes.

"We should take care of this hand, it looks bad," she says with a voice full of care and void of any anger.

She grabs the first aid kit I always let in evidence on the counter top and goes to sit on a kitchen chair. I sigh and sit in front of her. She doesn't move and waits for me to offer her my bloody hand. She takes it delicately, I flinch at the touch but leave my hand where it is. I stare at my hand and see Cameron checking to see if there's any little shards stuck in my flesh, when she's satisfied to see that there isn't, she lets go of my hand to take a cotton ball and wet it with antiseptic.

She takes my hand again and then starts to clean it. Her touch is delicate, almost feather like. I grit my teeth not to make a sound at the sting but my fingers moves a bit on their own. She repeats the process one more time until my hand is free of any blood. She takes a band aid and places it over my cut. My eyes haven't left my hand all time, though I could feel her deep green eyes on me.

She reluctantly lets go of my hand and put the kit in order again before standing up to clean the table. She puts back the kit on its place then washes her hands. I watch her back as she moves slowly around. Then I turn back my attention to my hand. She sits back in front of me but I don't look at her, instead I trace the band aid with my thumb.

We stay like this for two whole minute, her silently looking at me and me refusing to acknowledge her. "Do you want me to go?" she asks with an even voice. I don't answer her. "Cath?" she calls me but I keep my eyes on my hand. She hooks a finger under my chin gently forcing me to meet her eyes. I quickly look away though. "Answer me," she asks. Her voice is calm and not really pressing. "Do you want me to go?" she repeats.

To be honest I don't know. I know that I don't want to screw things up though. I look at her again and she's looking back at me, patiently waiting for an answer on my part. She waits a little more and then puts the flat of her palm on the table before starting to go. "Stay," I say with a mere whisper. She stops her movement but don't make any sign of sitting back down. I look at her and silently plead her to stay. She slowly sits again and takes a deep breath.

"You know if the whole dinner thing at your sister's bothers you, I'd understand. If you don't feel ready for me to go and meet her and her family I won't be offended," she states gently.

I don't deserve such a kind and understanding person. "You're way too sweet for your own good," I reply.

If I asked her to come it's because there is no chance in hell for me to suffer hours at Nancy on my own. It's hard to see her and Sara back together, but there's only so much I can take, and having to witness displays of their perfect life, and perfect love is just way too much. As a matter of fact if Cameron had declined the offer I would have probably asked Hodges out to come with me, that should say how much I don't want to go there.

"Why are you so sweet?" I ask with a little smile.

"Because you are worth it," she replies with a calm grin. Silence falls between us. She leaves me speechless with this and I don't know what to reply. She breaks the eye contact and stands. "Ready to go?" she asks.

I stand and go grab my keys, purse and jacket. She's about to open the door for me. I take her hand in mine and she turns to me. I can see that she's more than surprised. I mean for the little contact there has been I've never been the one to initiate it. I open my mouth to say something but nothing comes out. Sometimes action speaks more than words. I take a step closer to her, she stays still as I lean in to kiss her cheek. My lips linger on her soft skin.

I pull back a little. Her eyes are closed and her breathing is irregular. Barely having any contact, makes any contact more intense. I find myself being reluctant to step back again. My thumb caresses the back of her hand, slowly and I feel her fingers squeezing mine a little. She slightly turns her head towards me her lips inches away from mine. She doesn't lean in though, letting me decide if I want more or not. I feel her shallow breath tickling my lips. My heart is racing frantically. My lips shiver a little, I look at her one more time. As our eyes meet I find myself lost in her emerald green eyes. My attention drifts back to her lips and I lean in oh so slowly. I have barely time to see her fluttering her eyes shut before taking her bottom lips between mine. We both sigh at the first contact.

The sensation is literally blowing me away. I have to close my eyes as I feel myself being dizzy with the contact. I gently suck on her bottom lip and I feel her hand squeezing my fingers. My heart is trying to jump out of my ribcage. It's like I was coming back to life. I pull back slowly, the flesh of our lips keeping the contact until the last moment. Our faces stay close from one another. I look at her and her eyes are still closed. She opens her eyes and looks at my lips. She moves slowly and for a moment I think she's about to kiss me again but instead she just rests her forehead against mine.

We stay like this for what seems an eternity. I bring my other hand near her face and touch her cheek with three fingers, my thumb passing over her bottom lip in a delicate gesture. Once again she closes her eyes as if to focus on my touch. I hook my finger under her chin and make her looking at me, mimicking her earlier gesture. She smiles at me and I feel a butterfly flying around in my stomach. I can't help but smiling back. I step away, missing the closeness a bit.

She silently opens the door for me and I get out, letting go of her hand. I close the door behind us and surprise her by taking her hand in mine again. She opens the door of her car and waits for me to be sitting comfortably before closing the door. She gets on the driver seat and puts on the ignition. Once we're on our way, I grab her hand and entwine our fingers before putting it on my thigh.

We're sporting matching grins as the drive goes in a comfortable silence.

xxxxx

We arrive at Nancy twenty minutes later. We walk hand in hand to Nancy's door, I feel myself being nervous and apprehensive. I feel her staring at me, I turn to her with a quizzical look "What?"

She just smiles "You're beautiful," she whispers before delivering a feather like kiss on my cheek. My fingers squeeze her hand and I can't help the warm feeling invading me as her words provide me a little comfort and confidence.

I ring the bell and the door opens almost immediately. A smiling Nancy greets us. I can see the subtle surprise in her eyes as she registers that Cameron is a woman, but there's no obvious signs of it. She opens the door bigger. "Hey, come on in," she says. She closes the door behind us. "Hi there, I'm Nancy, her baby sister," she says as she offers her hand to Cameron.

"Please to meet you," Cameron answers before letting go of my hand and shaking Nancy's.

"Let me take your jacket," Nancy says, ever the perfect host. Cameron complies and Nancy takes mine as well after hugging me. She goes to hand them and then invite us in the living room.

"Honey, I think I heard the bell," Sara says as she comes in the living room. Cameron doesn't sit and faces Sara with a smile. Sara is gaping like a fish out of water for a second or two before shaking her head. "Sorry, brain fart. Hi," she greets Cameron. "I'm Sara."

They shake hand, and I feel like Sara was putting more pressure than she'd normally put on her regular hand shake. My suspicions are confirmed as Cameron flexes her hand quickly as she pulls I back. Then Sara turns to me and bends down to kiss my cheek. "Cath," she says. She hadn't done that in a long while. And after what happened I had silently forbidden her this kind of familiarity. I send her daggers but look away quickly. The sensation of her lips on my skin is burning, and somehow it feels wrong compared to Cameron's earlier kiss.

"Well please, have a seat, can we offer you something to drink?" Nancy asks.

"Anything as long as it's not alcohol," Cameron answers politely.

"She doesn't drink," I hear Sara's mere whisper, I snap my head at her, clenching my teeth not to reply.

"Alright, and what will you have Cath?"

"The same," I reply. I hear Sara snorting. I ball my fists, I don't know if I'm ready to put up with this all the evening.

"I'll get it honey," Sara says before disappearing on the kitchen side.

Cameron and I sit on the couch. There's space between us, but I feel the need for a connection. I don't show it but I'm uncomfortable to be here with Sara in the same room. So I close the distance between Cameron's body and mine, that way our shoulders are touching. Cameron turns to me and smiles a bit.

"So tell us how did you two meet?" Nancy asks once everyone has a glass in hand.

"In a hot big bang," Cam jokes. I chuckle at the memory.

"Really? Well give some details, I'm curious now," Nancy says with sparkle in her eyes.

"We bumped into each other and she spilled her hot coffee on me," Cameron elaborates.

"I wasn't paying attention," I say a bit embarrassed.

"And I'm glad for that," Cameron replies looking at me with affection.

We keep on chit chatting about everything and nothing. I can't help but notice that Sara isn't really talkative. She does, however, mutter some comment that I seem to be the only one to catch.

After, Nancy invites us to join the table. We start to eat, and conversation turns around Cameron once again. Now that she's at ease, Nancy takes this opportunity to ask private questions.

"So what are you doing in life?"

"I'm an educator for rough kids, teenagers who don't have marks in life, who have given up on school and who have been abandoned by the system. I help them to realize that they have potential, that the can do great things, and that failure isn't a fatality, they just have to believe in themselves and give themselves the opportunity to get what they want."

Cameron starts to get passionate about her job and I can't help the fond admiration for her I get right now.

"You're sort of a modern hero in short," Sara comments. I send her a dark look.

"I wouldn't say that. I'm just trying to fix what the society has given up on."

"Do you smoke?" Sara asks suddenly out of the blue after a moment.

"No, I don't drink either."

"Why? Did you have trouble with alcohol?" she shoots her second question in a heartbeat. I feel raw anger invading me.

"Not really."

"Well it's either yes or no," Sara presses firmly.

"I'm no alcoholic if that's what you're fishing for. I did, however, have bad experience with alcohol like unfortunately most young teenager experiment one day."

"Did you ever take drugs?"

"In my teenage years, I did, yes," Cameron answers with honesty. I don't get how she stays that calm under such rudeness. I know I'm about to punch Sara or lash out at her if she doesn't stop her little game soon. I'm boiling and it won't be long before I explode.

"Do you have drug problem?"

"No."

"Have you ever been arrested?" Sara is like a shotgun, asking one question after the other almost not waiting for answers. She's staring at Cameron like she was trying to burn holes in her head, treating her like a criminal.

I can't fucking believe her! How dare she?!!

Alright that's enough. I'm about to unleash hell when Nancy stands up and squeezes Sara's shoulder. "Honey I need your help to get something in the store room," she says in a firm tone that doesn't leave room for denial.

Sara keeps on staring at Cameron, forcing her into a staring contest. Once more Nancy squeezes Sara's shoulder "Now, Sara."

Sara stands up and starts to leave in the corridor. Nancy turns to Cameron and I with an apologetic smile "Excuse us."

I feel rage burning my veins. My breathing is shallow and my fists are so tight that my knuckles are white. I'm trying to calm myself not to go after Sara and give her a piece of my mind. She has no right to act like she does and she had no right to treat Cameron like she just did.

"I take it that people tend to confess quickly with her," Cameron says lightly with a nervous chuckle. Then she turns to me, I'm sure she can see smoke coming out of my ears.

"I'm sorry," I say between my teeth.

"It's ok. I can understand why they'd be protective of you," she smiles. She puts her hand over my fist which is resting on my thigh. I flinch at the touch and she retreats her hand. I don't want her to be okay with it. I want her to be pissed. She's hurt by my rejection but doesn't say anything and just looks away. That's when I realize that I'm wasting my time on being mad at Sara – someone who doesn't care about me, when I have someone who cares about me, right by my side.

I also realize that my rejection is like taking a huge step back seeing how this evening had started. I don't want to ruin this, not when we're moving a bit. I release my fist and put my hand over hers, entwining our fingers. She's startled by my move, but grins a little. She brings our linked hands to her mouth and kisses the back of my hand.

"I'm sorry," I tell her.

"We're good," she simply replies.

It's one more minute before Sara and Nancy emerge from wherever they were. The rest of the dinner goes without incident, and Sara seems to be done with her re-enactment of the Spanish Inquisition. It doesn't quiet my rage though, but I decide not to make a scene. She isn't worth it after all, I have moved on.

We finish the dinner and have dessert and coffee back in the living room. The tone of the evening stays light and Sara seems to enjoy herself. I don't know if she's faking good mood or not, but I'm glad she stopped her little game. Afterwards Nancy asks me to help her with the dishes. I'm reluctant to leave Cameron alone with Sara, but I go not before kissing Cameron lips gently.

"She is nice," Nancy says suddenly.

"She is."

"You two look good together."

"Thanks," I reply. I'm not giving her what she wants from me. I know she expects me to talk more about Cameron, but I'm preoccupied by the fact that right now she's alone with Sara.

"You're okay?" Nancy asks me with concern.

"I think I should go and see them," I say.

"Leave them alone, don't worry. You have my word that Sara is behaving. I'm sorry for her moodiness earlier."

"Yeah well you saved her from a good kick in the ass coming from me," I say through clenched teeth.

"I gathered from the smoke I could see coming out of your ears." I can help but chuckle a bit. "So….does she treats you right?"

"She does. She's really sweet and attentive. I don't want to rush things and she's okay with it. She's a cream," I smile thinking about how well Cameron treats me.

"Does she make you happy?" Nancy enquires.

Tough question. Happy is a big word, and I can't lie to myself. "She…doesn't make me unhappy," I reply honestly.

Nancy scrutinizes me for a moment. "Good then, I'm glad to hear it."

I get lost in thoughts for a moment. Nancy has everything I want. I'll have to live with this everyday. I'll have to learn not let jealousy consummating me, not let it affect me as much as it does right now. I'm with Cameron, yet I can't help feeling myself react to Sara's presence.

I feel Nancy pulling my in for a hug. I don't understand her gesture but I give in. "You know that I'm here for anything right?" she asks me.

"Yeah. Don't worry," I tell her. We stay in each other's arms for a moment then I pull back. "Thank you for the dinner."

"You're welcome. I miss you sis," she smiles. "But now that I see the reason why you weren't around lately, I can't say I blame you."

If she only knew that she's mistaking about the reason of my withdrawal. "I'll try not to play ghost anymore."

"You better," she warns me.

I smile and sigh " I think that now is a good time for Cameron and I to go back home."

"You're right it's late, not that I'm chasing you. You two can come over at anytime ok?"

"Thanks."

Nancy and I go back to the living room where Sara and Cameron had stayed. Cameron looks a little pale and relieved to see me back. I don't know what Sara said, but from the look on Cameron face it must not have been pleasant. It takes me all my self control not to explode at Sara's face. "It's time to go home sweetie," I tell Cameron.

"Sure," she answers quickly before getting on her feet. Nancy is back with our jackets in no time and both her and Sara lead us to the door. "I was really please to meet you….the two of you. Thank you for the dinner," Cameron says.

"I hope we can make it another time soon," Nancy says.

"Yeah, well maybe not soon seeing the load of work I have but, it'd be great to do it again," Cameron says somewhat nervously.

We bid our farewell and then go to Cameron's car. She opens the door for me before going to the driver sit. I can't hold myself much longer as I ask her "What did she tell you?"

Cameron doesn't answer me and starts the car. She turns to Nancy's house and wave back at them before driving away. "Cameron?" I call her. It's not like her to avoid questions, that's my part of the job. "Cameron, answer me. What did she tell you?"

She sighs not tearing her eyes apart from the road. "Well she….apologized for her rudeness," she says evasively.

"What else?" I ask feeling that there's much more than a simple apology. I know Sara and she's not the kind to let go when she thinks she's right about something.

I'm more than mad right now. It's one thing for Sara to mess with me, it's another to mess with Cameron.

"I think she was quite adamant about me not messing around with you….then she made her point across saying that if I ever so much as think about hurting you….well once she'll be done making my life a living hell, she'll make sure not to leave any evidence behind as to where my body is or that she even did it…I feel silly…. I mean I know she can't do that but her expression was so serious that I believed her…I mean, she was joking right?" she asks glancing at me as we're stopped at a streetlight.

"Well actually she could. But that's not the point," I reply and see her gulping in response. "I'm sorry about that, I'll talk about her at work."

"You don't need to do this."

"No Cameron, she had no right to treat you like this, and I'll let her know," I say firmly.

"I'm glad to know that you have people having your back," she starts. She's about to add something but then stops and keep on driving. We stay silent until we reach my house. I didn't push the issue further, but I'm beyond pissed off right now and Sara just bought herself a one way ticket to hell.

Cameron parks in the driveway, but neither of us make a move to come out of the car. Actually she always makes a point at opening my door, so when she doesn't move I know something is wrong.

She turns to me after a moment with a serious face. She takes one of my hands in hers and look at me straight in the eyes. "I don't know where this is going, but I want you to know that if you had any doubts about my good intentions or if you were afraid that I'd hurt you, you can throw them threw the window. I had no intention to ever hurt you before tonight and now…well I even have a good motivation not to," she jokes. "I want you to know that I'll never hurt you….at least not intentionally."

She caresses my face. "Whatever this is between us, I want it to work," she says.

I kiss her palm in a feather like touch. "I want that to," and I do. This is something that I wasn't sure of before but, now I know that I want to try to have something with her. "Sleep with me tonight," I say without thinking.

She smiles "We don't have to take to many steps forward if you're not ready. I'm fine with whatever pace you want to take," she gives me an opportunity to back down if I want to.

"I want you to stay with me tonight," I say firmly. She doesn't answer anything, she just gets out of the car and goes to open my door. I get out and she locks it. I take her hand in mine and entwine our fingers, we walk to my door, and I don't break the contact of our hand even when I open and then close the front door. I lead us straight to m bedroom. I hand her one big t-shirt and she goes in the bathroom to change.

When she comes back she's wearing the shirt and her boxer shorts, I'm wearing shorts and t-shirt as well. I reach out for her hand and make her lie to bed next to me. We're lying face to face. Neither of us speak, we just stare at each other, getting lost in each other's eyes. She uses one finger to put back one of my locks behind my ear. She trails her finger along my jaw line before pulling back her hand.

I slowly get closer and capture her bottom lips between mine. This time I don't back down though, and I lick her lips, silently asking for entrance. She parts her lips and our tongues meet in a slow, sensual dance. She loses one of her hands in my hair. I roll a bit so I'm half on top of her. The kiss is exploring and deep.

I pull back and we smile at each other. "Goodnight," I tell her.

She caresses my cheek with her thumbs and kisses me quickly "Goodnight," she echoes my words. I rest my head on her shoulder and let her heartbeat lulling me into sleep, as her arms come to embrace me tightly.

I don't know if Cameron will ever make me truly happy. But I didn't lie earlier to Nancy, she doesn't make me unhappy. I know I'm definitely not unhappy now that I'm in her arms.

xxxxx

My first morning in Cameron's company is sweet. We stayed in bed a little while after waking up, talking a bit but mostly enjoying the closeness. She made me breakfast and we spend a big part of the day together. We kissed one more time when the time for her to go came, and then I got ready to go to work.

The closer I get to the lab, the more the pressure is bubbling up in me. I'm willing to move on completely, m night with Cameron proved me this much. In order to do that I need to clear the air, and not let Sara interfere in anyway. My timing is perfect because when I arrive she's in the locker room. I check to see if there's no one else before closing the door, making my presence known. Sara immediately stands and squares her shoulders, just as if she knew what was coming.

I walk to her with determination, she stands still looking at me straight in the eyes. I stop inches away from her. "Care to tell me what bug crawled up your ass last night?" I ask harshly.

"Excuse me?" she asked with a surprised expression.

"What the fuck was that all about?"

"It's nice to see you too, Cath," she says sarcastically.

"Cut the crap and answer me!!"

"Oh, you're talking about the woman you brought to our house last night?"

"She has a name!" I growl.

"That's right….Cameron, correct?" she mocks me. "I was friendly to her, I just asked a few questions nothing more."

"Bullshit, you were rude and it was uncalled for."

"I'm sorry you seem to think that I was rude. I'm sorry you think I was rude. I thought I was just asking a few questions of...Cameron. You were in my home… you had a woman that neither Nancy nor I had ever seen with you... regardless of how you feel about me, I still look at you like you're family. I was just making sure that this wo...Cameron...isn't just taking advantage of you."

I push her with a hard hand on her chest. "You lost your right to 'care' when you treated me like shit," I push her again

She pushes my hand off "Get your hands off me."

"Then Cameron is my girlfriend and in that aspect you owe her respect," I say pushing her hard again.

"Damn it Cath I'm warning you stop pushing me!" she says. "I don't owe her shit!" she growls.

"Yes you do, just like you owe me," I say firmly before pushing her again.

"Don't you push me again?" she threatens me.

I look at her straight in the eyes and push her one more time. "Or what?" I defy her.

She pushes me back rather violently against the lockers. "You should be thanking me for having your back. We all know that you're never been good at choosing people you date. Did you know any of that stuff? Or could you not get past…you know what? Forget it, ok? Just forget it. I don't know why I bother. Just because we're not friend doesn't mean I stopped caring," she says stepping back a little. "But that's alright, I get your point, I'll leave you alone so just stay the fuck away from me," she states angrily. "You got laid last night, so obviously you came in here with an agenda…. And I'm not up for your BS today…"

I slap her with as hard as I can as soon as the words leave her mouth. The blunt force of the shock made her hand spin. I feel hurt by her words and the fact that she thinks of me as a cheap person. But beyond all this I'm pissed off. I can't believe that my heart belong to this woman. I can't believe that I'm in love with someone who thinks I'm a cheap slut.

She slowly turns her head back to me. Her lips are parted, I can see her tongue feeling her now swollen bottom lip. She brings her hand to her lips as she tastes blood. Her two fingers are blood stained as she whips away the red liquid, she stares at them and then back at me. The angry red mark of my finger is deeply imprint in her cheek.

I've reached the point where I don't care.

"You don't get to insult me, you don't get the right to care nor to judge me… We're not friends. You're nothing but the warm body in my sister's bed," I seethe with all my rage spilling over in my voice. "You disrespect me or Cameron once more and Hell will be a children playground compare to where I'll drag your life into. I won't let you fuck me over one more time Sara."

She doesn't say anything, just keeps staring at me. I turn to leave and slam the door behind me.

* * *

**I feel some tension around...hum...strange...**

**Thanks for reading.**


	31. Chapter 31

**Hey everyone, thank you so much for your reviews, you're the sweetest. I know I'm slacking off, but I lost my mojo...this is definitely not the best chap I wrote, sorry about that...anyway...**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)

* * *

Chapter 31: Sara**

Bitter taste of blood invades my mouth, I can smell it through my nose. Slowly it creeps all over me, oozing from all my pores then I can't smell anything else. I start to feel nauseous. The gate of my memory opens and makes me dizzy with forbidden thoughts. I see a knife, the body of my father, I hear my mother's screams, there's nothing but red and this sickening iron filled air.

I clench my teeth hard and ball my fists. Untamed rage is building up in me asking to spill over, making my head spins with intensity. I start to punch my locker with ferocity not stopping until I feel the pressure in me evaporating. I rest my forehead against the cold metal to cool off. I close my eyes and breathe deep trying to get back some control over myself.

There are only a few things making me go insane, being touched in anger and spill blood because of it must be the worst of them. A part of the legacy my parents left me is this immeasurable boiling rage and violence, this untamed feeling so intense that it's always a hairbreadth away from swallowing me whole when I lose control of myself.

"Sara?" Greg's voice brings me back to present. "Hey, are you alright?" he asked me.

I take another deep breath and tighten my fists then open my eyes and step away from my locker. I lick my lower lip one more time feeling the faint bitter taste of blood, this forbidden nectar which awaken my darker and most dangerous instincts. Another deep breath and I feel all emotion leaving me. I finally turn to Greg – who's looking at me with concerned and maybe a bit of fear.

"Are you okay?" he repeats his question.

"I'm peachy," I answer with an emotionless voice before walking out of the room.

xxxxx

My shift goes in a blur. I saw Catherine twice and twice I had to isolate myself to hit something, not the smartest thing to do I know, but my rage from my previous confrontation with her hadn't worn off yet.

I haven't talked anymore than I needed during this shift. I was walking on a thin line, ready to snap at anyone for any reason. Lucky me, people seemed to have understood that I was in no mood to be mess around with, so they kept their distance or were really succinct when they had to deal with me.

Before I know it it's time to go home. I don't hang around any longer, I go in the locker room, gather my belongings and less than a minute later I'm out again.

Once I'm home the first thing I do is to take an icepack and put it on my swollen hand. I'm so lost in my thought that I don't see Nancy coming near me. I only register her presence when she takes my hand in hers and takes a look at it.

I pull my hand away rather forcefully since she's not willing to let go. "Leave me alone," I ask her. She doesn't move a muscle and I can feel her gaze burning holes in my skin. When I look at her she's looking at me with exasperation. If there's one thing she can't stand it's me rejecting her just because I'm too petty or stubborn to let her be there for me. I hold her gaze for a moment and then sigh in defeat.

I'm still amazed when I see how I've let my guard down with Nancy. I mean, there's nothing about me she doesn't know, and I do mean nothing. She's the only one I admit my weakness to and the only one I allow myself to be vulnerable with.

She takes back my hand in hers. She takes of the ice pack and put it aside, she contemplates my hand. "Flex," she says. I obey but my knuckles protest at the move, it takes me at least a whole minute to ball my fist. "Well at least nothing's broken," she states. "Show me the other," she asks. She looks at the dry blood there and the slightly swollen knuckles. "Let's take care of this," she says before getting up.

When she comes back she has the first aid kit with her. She takes one of my hands and cleans it from the dry blood. When she's done with this hand she takes the other one. She applies some ointment on it and then bands it. "I hate when you hurt yourself like that baby," she says looking at my hand.

I don't say anything. I feel ashamed of my reaction, of my lapse out of control. Nancy hooks her finger under my chin and forces me to look at her. "Honey, I'm….I'm sorry I wasn't there."

I don't think I've ever said it but in the arms of Nancy, I'm untouchable. In her arms, this is the safest place I know. When I'm feeling like I'm losing control she takes me in her arms and suddenly I can tame my anger and all those memories that are always haunting me.

"What happened?" she finally asks.

"We had a fight, I said some nasty things, she slapped me and I lost it against my locker," I sum up not needing to elaborate on who 'she' is.

"She slapped you," Nancy repeats.

"I was way out of line and my comment was more than insulting, so I deserved it."

"What was the argument about?"

"Last night," I simply reply.

She sighs. "Don't say you didn't have it coming."

"Cut me some slack I think I had enough for today," I say a bit exasperated.

"No I'm not going to cut you some slack," she replies firmly. "I don't get why you two can't get along. Just because I don't say anything doesn't mean I don't notice. I don't know what the problem is but I do know that something is wrong. I'm not stupid you know. You are the two people I know the most, you really thought that I wouldn't be able to tell that you were pretending to get along while in my presence?" she asks rhetorically.

So Catherine and I were less good at hiding our quiet animosity than I thought.

"I did cut you some slack, hoping in vain that you'll be able to fix the problem by yourself, but obviously nothing has changed. I just don't get it. you were friends not so long ago and now you can't stand each other's guts. What happened?"

"I don't know…" I say evasively.

"Please have the courtesy not to insult my intelligence," she cuts me.

"I hurt her feelings," I answer.

She looks at me waiting for me to elaborate but I don't. "You won't tell me anything more than this, will you?" she states more than she asks.

I kissed her rather passionately, meaning every bloody seconds of the kiss then I reject her without softening the blow. This is what I should say, but I won't because I made a deal with the devil….sorry I meant with Catherine.

"It's not relevant, Nance. I hurt her feeling and now she doesn't want to be my friend anymore, as a matter of fact as long as she can avoid having to do anything with me, she does," I say with animation.

"Honey, I know this is an issue between the two of you, yet you need to fix this," she says standing up from the couch.

"Oh, don't you think that I've tried?" I reply harshly. "You think that I've been waiting for you to give me this brilliant idea?!" I shout. "I tried Nancy, I did try, but it's not up to me. You see until she decides that I'm worthy of her friendship again there's nothing much that I can do!"

She looks at me but doesn't reply. I close my eyes and sigh. I get up from the couch and go to her "Babe, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have snapped," she looks away.

"You know when you're like this I feel like I didn't know you at all," she tells me before looking at me again. "It's just like yesterday when you pulled that little act with Cameron. I don't know what your problem is but lately I really feel like I didn't know you"

"Babe…" I try to take her in my arms but she steps back.

"Don't…just…don't," she says before retreating in our bedroom. I decide against going after her, knowing that she won't listen to me anyway.

xxxxx

We spend the rest of the day taking care of the boys but we don't talk again about our little outburst. Once it's time to go to bed though Nancy opens the hostilities again. We try not to argue but it's in vain because five minutes later we are both on the edge.

"For the twentieth time it's not up to me!! She refuses to talk to me! There's nothing I can do!" I shout.

"Of course it's up to you! You're the one who messed things up so it's up to you to fix them no matter what she says, so stop making excuses!"

"I tried!!! Damn it! I tried, she doesn't want to be my friend, I'm not going to beg her now, am I?!"

"Try harder!"

"Oh, give me a break okay?!"

"No I'm not going to give you a break! She's my sister. You can't be with me and not getting along with her. She's my family and I don't want to have to choose between the two of you!"

"Do you think I like this situation? I kills me, but I did all I had to, I apologized yet she doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore."

"Then you haven't done enough, I don't care what it takes but you have to fix this!"

"You know what? I don't want to have this conversation with you anymore, you're not even listening to what I'm saying," I say with exasperation.

"You can't runaway from the problem every time Sara!"

"I'm not running away. I'm just sick of hearing that I'm the 'bad guy' here. I made a mistake, one single mistake and everyone is on my back. I'm not perfect…surprise! It's already a lot to have to deal with her without you adding fuel in the fire. And I wish you could show a little support right now, because I'm really having a hard time lately. So cut me some slack okay!"

Silence falls in the room and we're staring at each other. We both sit on our side of the bed, both lost in our thoughts. She sighs and closes her eyes.

"Get out," she suddenly says in the deafening silence. Her voice is calm and even.

I turn to her and frown. Please tell me she's kidding. "I beg your pardon?"

"Get out of here Sara," she repeats then looks at me to show me that she's serious.

"You've got to be joking," I say.

"No I'm not. I want you to get out and I don't want you to come back in this room until you decide to change attitude and to fix things up. I don't know who you are but you're certainly not the mature woman I've fallen for, and I'm not going to share my bed with a stranger."

I stare at her in disbelief.

"Get out Sara. Now," she says firmly.

I grab my pillow and a blanket before getting out of the room, slamming the door shut.

Why am I always the one sleeping on the couch?

xxxxx

My night of sleep is short and agitated. Nancy and I get on out morning routine in silence, mumbling our 'hello' but basically we're on a non communicating base. I take some coffee and then have a shower before taking care of the boys and then taking them to school.

Later when I get home Nancy is still in. I just realize that today she hasn't class, so not only we're ignoring each other but we also have to share the same space. In times like these I wish I could lock myself in a bubble.

I couldn't be more grateful when the time to go to work arrives. I can't stand not communicating with Nancy at all, and the tension between us kills me but once again there's nothing to I can do.

I arrive a bit early at the lab, after a short passage in the locker room I head straight to the break room to have a fix of caffeine, somehow I can feel that this shift will be long.

Everyone arrives shortly after me and we all wait for Grissom to come in and give us assignments.

"You look terrible," Nick says sitting next to me on the couch.

I snort "Well thank you Nicky, I'm glad to see you as well," we both chuckle. "I had a long night," I tell him.

"If you need anything, you know I'm here…right?"

I look at him a bit taken aback. "Yeah…sure I know and I'm grateful for it," I answer honestly. He smiles and pats my knee.

"Good evening kids, Warrick suspicious circ at the Tangiers, Nick and Greg you have a DB,"

Please don't pair me up with Catherine, please don't pair me up with…

"Sara double homicide," he says.

There is some mercy in this world after all.

"Catherine you're with her tonight," Grissom adds. Talk about speaking too fast.

This has to be a freaking conspiracy.

One look at Catherine and I feel her anger from yesterday oozing from her. Okay, that's enough for me, I won't be able to deal with this. I'm way too tired and not in the mood to put up with this.

Everyone leaves the break room for their scene. I debate one more minute on the course of action I'm supposed to be adopting then I decide to go talk to Grissom. I knock on his door and enter.

"A problem, Sara?" he asks after briefly looking at me.

I sigh "I was wondering if I could be paired up with somebody else."

"Something's wrong with Catherine?"

"Well…hum…not really… I just…"

"Are you trying to tell me that you're not mature enough not to let your personal issues interfering with your job? I was under the impression that you were adult, mature, responsible and professional, bow tell me I was off base here. Because if I was I can treat you like a rookie, immature and irresponsible. So tell me if I have to pamper you Sara," he says vehemently.

Grissom seldom loses his temper but when he does you feel like a burning slap coming on your face.

"I'm an adult, mature, responsible and professional," I firmly echo his words.

"Good. Now I'm going to pretend this conversation never happened. Get out of here and go to your scene you're wasting precious minutes," he dismisses me without ceremony and turns his attention back to the paper he was reading when I came in.

I rush to the parking lot and as it had to be expected Catherine is waiting for me impatiently behind her wheel. I get in without a word and slam the door shut after having put my kit in the truck.

"What took you so long?" she spits.

I sigh and grit my teeth "Just drive okay," I say then lean against the window and close my eyes. And even like this I can feel her angry look on me.

Gee, this shift is going to be long.

xxxxx

We arrive in a big house. One step into the house and the smell of blood hits our noses like a punch. The floor is almost completely covered with the red liquid. Nothing seems disturbed except from the two dead bodies on the couch that is.

"Wow…it's bloody," I state.

"Very observant Sherlock," Catherine replies sending me a look which can only be translated by 'duh'.

"I was just saying…" I start to protest then give up, it's pointless and it'll only lead us to fight. No thanks.

The first thing I notice are bloody footsteps leading to the first floor of the house. "That's a lot of blood for only two persons," Catherine says.

"I'm taking the floor," I announce before heading to my destination cautiously.

I take pictures of every bloody step and make swabs. Once I reach the floor the footsteps lead me in every room. The master bedroom is the only place stainless, all the others are tainted with blood everywhere.

It takes me more than three hours to process everything. I'm contemplating the master bedroom. Something's off but I don't know what yet. I haven't heard of Catherine but from the look I've had of her rooms she must be pretty busy. I'm glad for the breather, what I love with my job is the fact that most of the time we're working with in silence. Sure there is more peaceful than a room bathed in people's blood but hey, that's my job.

"What do you got?" Catherine's voice startles me out of my contemplation.

"Gee, a little warning next time will be welcome," I scold her. "Don't sneak up on me."

"Didn't mean to scare you, sorry," she simply says. "So, what do you got?"

I know earlier I was asking to be paired up with somebody else, but truth to be told work might be the only time where Catherine and I can be on good terms. Of course we don't talk unless we have to but at least we are communicating. I've always been amazed at the deep connexion we have whenever we work, it's like our minds were connected sometimes.

I sigh and start to give her an update on my work "I have two different bloody footprints size 10 and 9, they lead to every room, as if whoever did this wanted to mark their territory, all rooms are tainted except this one. I have handprints but no fingerprints so my take is that whoever did this was wearing gloves. I have hair, some prints but I'm read to bet my pay check that they belong to Mr. and Mrs. downstairs," I tell her.

"Alright, are you done here?" she asks.

"Nope, there's something about this room that doesn't fit," I say staring at the master bedroom. "What do you got?" I return her question.

"Blood, a lot of blood. Like I said it seems too much for only two persons so I'm almost expecting to find another body. I have footprints too, maybe they're the same than your. Basically somebody wandered around the house. I found money and valuable objects so I think it's safe to say that the motive here wasn't the robbery. Mr. and Mrs. Calloway have had their throats slashed."

I turn to look at her at that, I frown "From the quick look I had from the living room, I don't remember any blood cast on the walls or any object and the blood pools aren't consistent with this type of wound."

She smiles at my remark glad to see our chemistry working its magic. "I know it's the first thing that had my attention. My opinion is that everything has been staged, and I'm pretty sure that except from the footprints we have zilch. Somebody had fun tonight and I don't like this.

"Pillow case," I say with a smile as I finally put the finger on what was bothering me in the master bedroom.

"What?" she asks taken aback. "Did you hear what I said?"

"Yeah, we have nothing. Take a look at the bed please and tell me what you see."

She sighs but comply "A king size bed and four pillows. Everything matches except… one pillow case."

"Don't you find it strange?" I ask rhetorically. I look at her and I see that we're on the same wavelength.

"I'll go check in the laundry room downstairs," she says before disappearing again. I look in the furniture, the bathroom and every room of the floor and there are no sheet nor other pillow cases matching with the one of the master bedroom.

"Okay, I think we're going to take this pillow back with us," Catherine announces ten minutes later, meaning that she's just as empty handed that I am as far as the set of sheet and pillow cases is concerned.

"We have two options here, the perp took the rest of the set with him for a reason we yet ignore, or this pillow case is like a signature."

"Or this doesn't mean anything at all," Catherine states.

"That's another option although I prefer the two first."

"So do I. Are you done?"

"Yeah I think I am."

"Let's go back then," she says before leading the way out of the house.

The drive back is silent but the tension is still there, none of us speaks though. Once we arrive we go in different labs to have all our samples processed. Then I go in my lab, we don't speak anymore and just do what we have to, each one on her side.

Shift is almost over and I decide that now would be the right moment to give Cath an update on my work. I leave my lab and go to the break room to grab two mugs of hot fresh coffee, then I head to her office. As I get near her door I can hear her phone ringing before she picks it up.

"Willows….hey Cameron..." I stop dead in my tracks. "No, not at all…actually I'm glad you called…"

I don't know why but I feel anger fuelling my veins. I turn back and return in the break room, I empty the mug that was for her in the sink and then go back isolating myself in my lab. Once I'm alone I out down the mug on the table with more force than I should and start to pace, breathing deep to calm myself.

You know this feeling you get when you eat too much sugar? Or too much peanut butter? Yeah this sickening feeling. That's what I'm feeling right now, just like when that Cameron woman came to dinner.

It's sickening. You'd think she's perfect. Sweet, understanding, beautiful, honest, straightforward and bla bla bla…

I swear you'd see the way she looks at Cath! I had to clench my jaw not to gag so much it was sweet, sickening sweet.

I cut you right there, don't start and go thinking that I'm jealous. I am not.

It's true I'm not jealous. It's just that I have trouble with this woman. I mean too much perfection always hides something. I don't think she's right for Cath anyway.

Okay, okay, I might be a bit jealous, but I'm trying to make a point here so please stop bothering me.

She's not right for Cath. Cath is someone with a temper, she's fiery, she's like a wild fire. And Cameron is like… I don't know, she's too calm…too perfect. Their duet is unbalanced, no need a scientist to see that, but hey who am I to judge. I'm just saying that Cameron is so not the kind of person Cath needs, now if she wants to be with somebody who doesn't challenge her at all and who's behind her like a love sick puppy…she's free.

By the time I cool off shift is over. I go in the locker room to get back my stuff. When I get in Nick and Greg are already there.

"Hey Sara, how was your shift?" Nick asks.

"Not very exciting, we had a scene with no evidence but a lot of blood. What about yours?"

"I guess we were luckier. We have a lead and tomorrow we'll go interviewing some people," he answers.

Catherine enters with a smile on her face. "Hey Cath," Greg and Nick greet her.

"Hey there boys," she says before opening her locker.

"What about grabbing a breakfast together?" Greg asks suddenly out of the blue.

"Sorry, someone is waiting for me already," Catherine answers with a wink.

"Ooh…hot date," Greg waggles his eyebrows.

"Maybe," she replies.

"And what's his name?" Nick asks.

"Her name is Cameron," Catherine answers. The boys don't even flinch to the information and keep fishing for information.

"Cameron, uh?" Nick smiles. "And when do we get to meet her?"

"Soon hopefully," Catherine winks.

That's too much for me and I slam the door of my locker shut before standing. "Okay, see you guys later," I say before making my way to the exit.

"Hey, Sara I was hoping you'd have five minutes to make an update on our case," Catherine says.

"Not now, I got something to do," I reply flatly not even glancing at her and with that I get out.

I'm petty, yes I am and I don't give a damn about your opinion, so just bite me.

xxxxx

I arrive home thirty minutes later. I get rid of my backpack and my jacket. I silently take a shower and then go in the bedroom. Nancy is still sleeping, I lie down behind her and spoon her from behind. My eyes aren't even closed when she moves away from me.

"Go back on the couch," she says with a sleepy voice.

Oh come on.

I try to get close to her again but she jerks away. "Couch," she repeats.

I sigh heavily. I get out of bed, grab my pillow and a blanket and drag my feet in protestation. I lie down on the couch and pout.

I'm having a perfect day.

xxxxx

Four days go by pretty much the same way. Catherine and I don't have lead on our case, Nancy and I barely speak to each other or we argue about the same topic, I banned on the couch, and I'm on the edge. The only way my life could be worse ate the moment would be if the boys – at home and at work – were mad at me.

I'm sitting on her couch of the break room, trying not to fall asleep as I stifle a yawn.

"My, someone is tired," Nick says as he sits next to me. "Here, it might help in the 'staying awake' department," he adds, offering me a mug of coffee.

"Thanks Nicky," I give him a weak smile. He doesn't say anything more, but I can feel his eyes on me. I sigh. "I've been sleeping on the couch for the last week," I tell him.

Everyone at work knows that I'm dating Nancy. Once Catherine had more or less accepted the situation, I announced it to the boys, well Warrick knew first hand, but I came clean to the rest of the team.

"Anything to do with the fact that you're not on good terms with her sister?" he asks me bluntly. I turn to him and frown. "Just because you're not on each other's throat, doesn't mean we're oblivious to the fact that Catherine and you have issues. We just learned a long time ago not to interfere between the two of you. It's called survival instinct... you know," he winks at me.

I chuckle. "I screwed up badly with her," I tell him.

"With who? Nancy?" he asks.

I shale my head and continue "She said we were through as far as our friendship went. Nancy and I have been arguing about this for a week now, she wants me to fix what I've done, and until then I won't be allowed back in our bedroom," I sum up.

"Ouch."

"Tell me about it."

"Did you try to fix things?"

"Of course I did Nicky, I'm not enjoying the situation you know," I reply a bit exasperated.

"Hey I'm just asking," he says gently.

"Sorry," I sigh. "I apologized, many times, but she said we were through."

"That's it?"

I narrow my eyes at him. "I apologized, I don't see what else I could do."

"That's a bit weak as an excuse don't you think?" he says. "I mean, you're acting like a victim of the circumstances here. This isn't you Sara."

"Gee, you sound just like Nancy. What do you people want from me?" I reply harshly. "You know, what let's not go there, I have enough of that at home."

"Sara, calm down, we're just talking here," he rises his hands in surrender. "I'm just saying that when you hurt someone's feeling you lose their trust as well. And in that case an apology is weak," he sighs a little. "It sounds to me that you have given up," he continues.

"Let's stop talking, I really don't want to fight with you," I say before standing up. I really don't have it in me to put up with this right now.

"If we'd have an ugly fight, and I'd hurt your feeling. I would apologize to you, and if you'd told me that we were through, then I'd make everything possible to prove you that I'm worthy of your trust again, I'd take as much punches as needed for that, for you to see that your friendship means way too much for me to give up on it, I wouldn't let you go, ever."

I turn to him and look in his eyes. There's truthfulness and intensity. I know that he means every word he just said. "But you know…that's just me," he adds with a little smile.

I'm at loss for words so I take him in my arms and hold him tight. "Thank you," I just tell him.

I'm not just talking about him being a good friend, but I'm also talking about him talking some sense into me. He's right. I had given up on Catherine way too easily.

"What would I do without you?" I ask him once I pull back a little.

"Well that's the thing. You got me," he smiles and I smile back. He kisses my forehead and we break the embrace.

I think a lot of work is in order, but I feel invincible. Beware Catherine because here I come.

xxxxx

Catherine and I are on our way to our scene. The drive is silent but there is less tension than one week ago. I've been trying to fine a way to establish a dialogue between us, but my mind doesn't seem to cooperate. It's been s long since we actually had a conversation that I don't know were to start.

As she slows down to park the car in front of the house we're going to process, I decide to go with the easiest. "Here we go," she says as she comes to a stop.

"I'm sorry for my behaviour during the dinner. You were right I had not right and I was out of line. I'm also sorry for what I said afterwards," I tell her looking at her in the eyes. I wait a little moment making sure my words sink in and then I get out of the car before she gets the chance to reply.

I grab my kit and pass the yellow tape. I talk to the first officer on the scene to have an update and wait for Catherine to be at my level to enter the house.

"This is not good," is the first thing I say as I take my first look at our scene.

"I'd say better, this is so not good," she adds.

This scene looks exactly like the one we processed one week ago. There's a couple of dead bodies sitting on the couch, blood everywhere and bloody footsteps leading us everywhere in the house.

Déjà vu.

Just like one week again we don't find anything relevant, but one pillow not matching with the other.

"You know what bothers me?" I ask Catherine.

"No, what?"

"The footsteps wander around the house. But none is in the direction of a window or a door."

She frowns and looks around at the bloody footsteps "You're right. Now that's odd."

"Tell me about it. There's no forced entry, so the perp has the key or knows his victims."

"Perps, we have two different footprints. And I might add that the shoes aren't the same than the one we found one week ago."

"I don't like this."

"Yeah, me neither," she replies. "You think we should consider there's a serial on the loose?"

"You know the saying: one is random, two is coincidence and three…"

"Enemy in action," she finishes. "So you're suggesting we're waiting for an eventual third scene."

"That's my opinion, now if you think we better tell Grissom about it, we can do that as well."

"No I'm good with this plan."

"Are you sure? Because I don't mind telling Grissom now, if you want," I offer.

"No, let's go with your plan. Three's a good number, although I really wish we won't have a third scene like this."

"Thank you very much," I tell her with accusation.

"What?" she asks confused.

"You just jinxed us. Now I'm sure there'll be another scene."

She chuckles. "That's right, blame it on me," she sighs. "Ok let's see what we have, shall we."

"No signs of forced entry, no defensive wounds, a lot of blood and footprints that wander all around the house. No traces. But one constant, two shoes size 10 and 9," I sum up. "Oh and let's not forget the ugly little pillow," I joke.

"Right," she chuckles again. "So basically, we have zilch. I feel like someone was playing with us. I don't like this at all."

We gather our kits and then go back to the lab.

Catherine's right, this doesn't feel good at all.

xxxxx

I go back home and decide to make Nancy and the boys a surprise. I take a shower first, then I prepare them a big lunch – our shift ended up later than usual so I missed breakfast. But before I can put my plan in action I receive a call from Lindsey, she forgot a book and she needs it, so I head out again.

Once I'm in front of Catherine's house, I sit on the stairs. I don't know why but I'm reluctant to knock, although I have a perfectly good reason to be here. But ever since Catherine pull the brakes between us I haven't come here uninvited. Maybe I should call her and tell her that…I'm sitting in front of her door, sure and she'll ask why I don't knock. That's so stupid.

I can't believe I'm sitting here thinking about how to knock on Catherine's door. You'd think it's the trickiest thing ever.

"What are you doing here," I lift my head up and stand up right away when I see Catherine looking at me quizzically.

I hand her the book I'm holding in my hand. "Lindsey called me, she forgot her book, so I came to bring it back."

"Thanks," she says nodding. There's a silence, both of us really interested in our shoes and the surrounding. "Why didn't you knock?" she asks puzzled.

"I…don't really know….I didn't want to intrude I guess….I don't know," I mumble. She just nods at my explanation.

"Thanks for the book," she says changing subject.

"No problem."

"I should go back inside…Cameron is waiting."

Why did she have to go and say that?

"See you at work," she says before taking a step toward the house.

"Yeah," I simply reply before going back to my car.

I drive back home and focus on my original plan again. Trying not to think about what Catherine and Cameron might be doing right now, it's none of my business after all.

The day goes by in a blur. Nancy and I play with the boys most of the day, then Lilly comes around to take them with her for the rest of the weekend.

I decide that now is the time to have a moment with Nancy. She's in the bathroom of our bedroom. She's facing the mirror, apparently getting ready to go somewhere.

"You're going somewhere?" I ask.

"I told you about the dinner at the university," she answers looking at me through the mirror.

"Oh," I eloquently reply. "I thought you didn't want to go."

"Staying there doesn't seem appealing," she says referring to our 'non communicative' relationship.

I take one uncertain step toward her. "I apologized to Catherine, for my behaviour at the dinner, and my words afterwards. I know it's not much but it's just the beginning. I intend on fixing things up," I tell her firmly. I take one more step toward her. She nods slightly her approval to my declaration.

I take one more step and arrive right behind her. We're looking at each other through the mirror. I put a shy hand on her hip. "I'm sorry," I say before putting my other hand on her hip. She gasps a bit at the contact. "I've been a jerk. No, that's not true. I've been a stubborn jerk. I'm sorry."

She moves a bit and I take that as a bad sign so I take my hands off her waist, I don't step back though. She turns around and looks at me. She scrutinizes me for a long moment. "Do you mean it? You're really going to fix things up?"

"Yes. I want to fix things up. I know it'll take a while, but I won't give up," I tell her honestly.

She kisses my lips softly then takes me in her arms. I let myself go and breathe deep. One week without her affection is way too much. She pulls back a little and cups my face. "I love you. You and that thick head of yours," she smiles a bit.

I kiss her gently and rub my nose against hers. We stay still for a moment and then she takes my hand and leads me back in our bedroom. She undresses herself, then she undresses me so we are both naked. I don't move nor say anything, just let her taking the lead.

She lies down on the bed and takes me with her. I snuggle on her side as we get under the covers. We stay like this, enjoying the extreme closeness, it's like going back home after a long travel. We're back we're supposed to be, in each other's arms.

"Nance?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you too," I say before kissing her neck. Then I just snuggle deeper on her side and close my eyes.

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	32. Chapter 32

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* * *

Chapter 32: Catherine**

I'm lying in bed. I should be sleeping but Morpheus stood me up, so I'm looking at my ceiling. Cameron is sleeping peacefully next to me. She's lying on her side and one of her arms is on my stomach. Ever since our first kiss a week or so ago things have been going smoothly between us. I pass one hand on her hair and she snuggles a little more on my side.

I should be enjoying my time with Cameron, I should feel content with the fact that she's here holding me, that she cares about me. Instead my mind is stuck on the only person I shouldn't think about. Yeah, you guessed it right: Sara.

She came by earlier to drop Lindsey's book. I was making the dishes and I saw her arrive from the kitchen window. I watched her sitting on the front stairs like she had done so many times before. And like many times before I wanted to go to her and offer her anything she needed, be it a shoulder to lean on, comfort or just a friendly ear.

Then I was mad at myself for feeling that way.

I waited five minutes, then ten and she hadn't moved from an inch and I…well I gave in. I went to her like the love sick puppy that I am.

It's been almost three months since our kiss, three long months since I've decided to pull the brakes between us, three months since my heart has stopped beating. Even after all that happened it was hard. I'm addicted to Sara. And I know about addiction, my former one use to take me in higher heights. So it's been three months that I've been having the 'Sara withdrawals', three months that I year to have my friend back, our chemistry back, be close to her again.

Fuck it!

I disentangle myself from Cameron and go into the living room. I sit on the window ledge of the living room and just look outside.

You know what bothers me the most about Sara? Her attitude. I don't know on which foot I'm supposed to stand with her. I mean, one second she kisses me; then she rejects me; then she acts jealous and overprotective when I decide to move on; then she's disrespectful with me and now…now she's trying to reach out for me again.

The worse in all that being the fact that I want to give in and be close to her again, because in spite of everything my heart still beats for this woman. But instead I just put on my tough face and I keep my distance. Every time I ignore her all I want to do is to take her in my arms, every time she stares when she thinks I don't notice I want to smile at her, every time we stay silent during a drive I want to talk to her about everything and nothing, every time I have a hard case I want to go to her, I want her to take her in her arms, and I want her to comfort me, like she had done before. I want us to have light banter and to joke around with our private jokes, I want us to be affectionate around one another again.

I yearn for all those things, but I know that if I let her in again I'll get hurt. I don't have it in me to face that again.

"Something's wrong?"

I turn around and see Cameron sitting on the couch. Her hair is messy and her face is still marked by sleep. She's cute like that, I can't help the affection bubbling inside me.

I have to get satisfied of what I have. I have Cameron, I won't ever have Sara, period. I should get on with that.

Cameron stands up and comes to me. She caresses my hair delicately "Where are you going so far away from me?" she asks.

I frown a bit and shake my head "Nowhere in particular," I answer. I can see that she's a bit hurt at my rejection but I ignore it. She takes m hand and makes me stand. I go ahead of her and start to walk back in my bedroom, she snakes her arms around my waist from behind and kisses my neck then we keep moving in this position. When I lie down again, she snuggles at my side and holds me tight.

I sigh lightly. I really should get on with what I have.

xxxxx

When I arrive at work everyone is already in. the boys are playing video games and Sara is on the couch reading a magazine. "Hi everybody," I greet them.

"Hi yourself," Sara answers with a wink before returning to her reading, and the boys answers in a joyful mumble I suppose meant 'Hi Cath.'

I decide to sit on the couch next to Sara, well not really next to her but on the same couch with a safe distance between us. I reach for the news paper on the coffee table and start reading it.

I can feel Sara's gaze on me, but when I look at her she's reading her magazine. I try to focus on the news paper in my hands but three seconds later I feel Sara looking at me again, once more when I turn she's reading but this time I can see a faint smile on her lips. I try to read again and she does the same. So we spend three minutes playing this little game. We start giggling on our own. It's a rare thing to see Sara acting like a kid but it's a good thing too.

When I turn to her one more time to finally speaks she stands up and goes away. I sigh. I shake my head and focus on the article I've been trying to read since this whole silly game started.

Aroma of coffee fills m nostril, I lift my head up and see Sara handing me a steaming mug. "Black, half a sugar," she says with a smile.

"Thank you," I smile back before taking the mug.

She sits next to me and starts to read again.

Once again I'm having an inner struggle regarding to the attitude I should have. For those last months after what happened I reduce our relationship to strictly work related talks, eventually we would share a joke or two, but that's it. I can't keep on like this, it's not enough. I miss my friend. I can be close to her and still keep a distance, it's all about control. I have to keep the control of the situation and push her away when I feel myself getting weak, or when I feel like I could be hurt.

I take a deep breath, here goes nothing then.

"So…how was your day yesterday?" I ask her. She turns to me and frowns a bit, her first reaction is to make sure I'm talking to her, she's surprised to say the least. "I mean after dropping Lindsey's book," I add.

She smiles a bit "Well I had a good family day. Nancy and I played with the boys all the afternoon. They have this card game with fantasy heroes..." she chuckles. "They are teaching us how to play and it's fun actually. Then Lilly took them so Nancy and I had a little time for us. We didn't do anything special, we talked a lot, had a nap together and then stayed in bed to talk some more. It was a nice day. What about you?"

"Uh…I had a little time with Cameron. Then I asked her to go so I could have some time with Lindsey, they do get along with one another it's just that I wanted an exclusive time with my daughter. Sometimes I feel like I didn't have enough of those."

"I know what you mean."

"Lindsey and I talked a lot, I helped her with her homework, then we shared some ice cream and talked some more. Then my mom picked Lindsey up as well so I had time for myself. I had a long and relaxing hot bubble bath."

"Hmmm….now I envy you. This must have been good," Sara replies.

"Oh yeah it was," I smile brightly.

I'm about to say something else when Grissom comes in. "Congratulation Nicky boy you won the only case that was available tonight and you get to take Greg with you," he announces with a smile.

"Oh come on," Warrick, Sara and I protest.

"Why is it always the same who can have fun?" Sara asks.

"Warrick owes me paperwork, you have an opened case with Catherine and Greg needs to learn," Grissom answers with a smile. "But I know my kids and I knew you would be grouchy," he jokes "So here's a consolation," he says before handing the three of us cherry lollipops.

After Greg's coffee, the most wanted things around the lab are Grissom's cherry lollipops, he always give us one after a great team work or like now, when some of us are pouting. The three of us pretend to pout but still take the candy. "I still want to be on the field though," Sara mumbles.

"Now, now, the night is still young," Grissom says with a wink before going out again.

"Hey that's unfair I want a candy too," Greg whines.

"Well you should have thought about that before being a newbie," Sara says sticking her tongue at him.

"Brat," Greg comes back before exiting the room pouting and we all laugh at him.

"Okay, see you guys later," Nick says with a wink and then follows Greg.

xxxxx

Sara and I are on a lab studying all the possible angles on our case and after hours we don't have anything new.

"The victims' blood is on the floor of the living room, but the blood in the kitchen is pig blood," Sara says.

"Okay, so whoever's behind all this brought pig blood to make things look messier. What I don't get is why we don't have any blood cast on the walls. I mean even if they had cleaned it we would have had something under the ALS."

"Right, and we still don't know how they get in and out of the house," she adds.

"How about this, they decide of a clean path. They wonder around the house with bloody shoes and then they take it off and get out without leaving anything behind them," I make a theory.

"That's a possibility," Sara replies after a moment.

"God this is frustrating," I growl.

We keep on making theories and re-examining the little evidence we have and soon the shift comes to an end.

Well the only positive point of this shift is the fact that Sara and I have taken a step on the right direction.

xxxxx

Sara and I are heading to our scene. We've been talking about the latest craze of Lindsey, Jeremy and Allan during the drive. I must say that since I've initiate the dialogue again two weeks ago, we've been slowly but surely rebuilding a good relationship. Well, Sara hasn't pushed me to have more. I mean, she always waits for me to make the first step and she doesn't asks for anything more, which I'm glad for. She let's me be in control, yet she keeps on with little attention display like offering me coffee and such, she keeps reaching out for me, but she let's me take the lead as far as our relationship is concerned.

"There we are," she says as she parks the car.

We grab our kits in the trunk and go to the house. We talk to the officer who tells us what we're going to find inside. I stop on the threshold without warning so Sara bumps into me. "Ouch," I exclaim.

I step aside so she can get in. "I knew it. You jinxed us," is the first thing she says.

This is it, our third scene. Just like the two first ones there's a dead couple on the couch and the whole place is covered with blood.

I turn to her and hit her shoulder lightly "Oh shut up," and we both chuckle. "This is bad," I say seriously. This is very bad, it means that we have a serial killer to deal with, no actually, two serial killers if we follow the evidence we have so far.

"I know. Guess we'll have to tell Grissom this time," she adds.

"Yeah," I sigh.

"I take the floor," she tells me before starting processing.

After hours we come back with as much evidence as the two previous times. So basically we have to figure things out on our own with hunches and theories, and we have to wait for a mistake.

I hate case like this one. I feel useless.

xxxxx

I'm sitting on the front stairs of my house, looking at Sara parking her car in my driveway. She exits her car and rushes to me.

"Hey, are you alright?" she asks with concern.

"Yeah don't worry," I answer. I pat the stair I'm sitting on silently asking her to sit down. She complies and we stay silent for a long moment.

"I miss my friend," I suddenly say out of the blue. We look at each other and she just nods at my statement.

It's been a month now since we are talking freely like we used to do. But we only talk when we're at work not when we're outside. I guess I needed to be sure that I could do this before taking the big dive and trying to be friend with Sara again. Work was the safety web. Now I think she proved me that I could give her another chance. I'm not forgetting what happened and I know I'll have to be careful. However I know I miss my friend and that I need more than just talking to her when we're at work.

So I called her to talk to her about it.

"I've been thinking a lot. I won't lie to you the trust issue is still there but I miss our friendship," I continue.

"I miss you Cath," she says bluntly.

We stare silently at each other then I smile at her reaching out my right hand. "Friends?"

She takes my hand in hers "Friends," she smiles back. She doesn't let go of my hand and put her second her on it. "So how have you been?" she asks, as if we hadn't seen each other in months, which is true somewhere.

We don't get in the house, we just stay there talking, and it's good. I feel like I was getting my fix after months and months of abstinence.

For the first time in I don't know when I actually feel satisfied and happy.

xxxxx

"Hmmm…" Cameron moans.

We're in my bedroom, alone in the house and we are kissing each other. Of course our hands are travelling over each other's body. Our legs are tangled and our mouths are glue together, our tongues are duelling and we're breathless, filled with desire. She pulls back and starts to nibble on my earlobe then she kisses my neck, stopping on my pulse point to suck on it.

I bite my bottom lip and wimp. One of her hand finds its way under my shirt and caresses my stomach then it gets bolter and takes one of my breasts. I grip her shirt firmly then pull on it so I can take it off, she stops sucking on my pulse point a second but resume her position as soon as I send her shirt in a corner of the room.

She straddles me and lifts my shirt, watching her hands roaming on my body. Then she bends down and kisses my skin, then she comes back up and kisses me again. I close my eyes and focus on the sensations I feel. When she pulls back I open my eyes again.

And there she is, Sara, with swollen lips, chocolate brown eyes darkened with desire, I can even smell and taste her skin on my lips…I caress her face and smile.

"You're beautiful," she says, but her voice is wrong. I blink and see Cameron hovering above me with a tender smile.

Holy fuck.

Cameron bends down to kiss me but I pull away. Her smile fades away and she frowns with concern. "What is it?"

"I can't," I tell her still staring at her not believing the hallucination I just had.

She blinks a few times opening and closing her mouth like a fish out of water. "Uh…okay," she answers still breathless.

I push her away physically. She looks at me with surprise but don't protest. She sits on the edge of the bed and buries her head on her hands.

"I'm sorry," I tell her lamely.

She lifts her head and turns it a bit, but doesn't face me. "It's ok," she says flatly. She stands up and looks for her shirt.

"Please don't be upset," I say. Even if she doesn't say anything I can see at her behaviour that she's mad a t me.

"I'm not," she answers shortly. She puts her shirt over her head and dresses up.

"Listen I just…something snapped in me and I," and I saw myself in the arms of another women for a second.

"You don't need to explain yourself," she says not looking at me. "It's ok."

"Yeah it seems like it," I reply harshly. This time she looks at me.

"Well forgive me not to be ecstatic after the cold shower I just received," she spits. "Forgive me to want my girlfriend, forgive me to be lost because frankly I don't know on what foot I should stand right now, one second everything is fine and the next you reject me. I mean you didn't seem to be against the idea two minutes ago."

"I'm not going to force myself just to make you happy now, am I?" I say a bit angry at her reaction.

"What? No! Of course not, if you don't want this I'm not going to push you…"

"I'm sorry to ruin your plan to get some today, but I would have expected you not to be upset about it," I keep on.

"Great now I'm a horny teenager who only wants to get laid right? You know what if all I wanted was sex I wouldn't have waited almost five months for you to get used to my touch, I would have gone into a club and jumped on the first girl catching my eyes, but I'm here am I?"

"Oh I'm so sorry to mess with your sexual life…"

"You're twisting my words! I did not say…." She passes a hand in her hair and sighs "Oh my goodness I can't believe we're fighting about this," she sighs again. "You know what? I don't want to talk, in fact I'm going home, see you later," she says before exiting my bedroom in a hurry. Ten seconds later I hear the front door being slammed shut.

Fuck!

xxxxx

I'm in the kitchen cleaning around when I see Sara's car being parked. Sara gets out of it and stops on the stairs. She sits there and waits. She knows I heard her coming so she knows I'll be here in any moment. We are on friendly terms again but she hasn't come in my house in months. I guess that my front stairs became our spot. As a matter of fact we see each other there quite often.

I put down the dish rag I had in my hands and then go out to join her on the stairs.

"Hey," I say sitting down next to her.

"Hey you," she replies. She sighs "You've been distant those last four days so I was kind of worried. I thought I'd stop by to see if you needed a friendly ear."

It's been four days since Cameron and I fought – I haven't heard about her since. I've been avoiding Sara though because she is after all the reason of my fight with Cameron.

"I had a fight with Cameron," I say flatly.

"Oh," she just answers. We stay silent and then she sighs "I don't suppose I'm the right person to talk about this with," she says with a light chuckle.

"You're right."

Talking to her mean telling her about the hallucination, then telling her about why I had it and I can't let my feelings getting in the way of our friendship again, not when we're slowly fixing things up.

"I'm sorry," I turn to her and see that she actually means it.

"Yeah. Well it'll be fine."

"I hope so," she says.

"Thanks for coming by," I finally tell her.

"Sure, no problem," she winks at me.

We talk some more and then she goes back home.

I'm lying on my bed when someone knocks on my door forty minutes later. I get up and go to the door to see who it is.

Cameron.

I open the door and look at her not saying anything.

"Hey," she says in a whisper.

"Hey,' I answer flatly.

She takes her hand out from her back, revealing little bouquet of roses she's holding. "I'm sorry. Sorry, for leaving you like I did and for all the rest."

"I'm sorry for everything as well," I tell her before taking the bouquet she's offering me. I kiss her lightly on the lips and let her in. we go in the living room and sit down on the couch.

"I'm really sorry about my behaviour. It's just that…sometimes I feel lost with you," she says.

"I know," I sigh. "I told you at the beginning of this relationship that I didn't feel ready, and that it might be complicated. I know I've been asking for much from you but… this is me, I try to be less insecure and to give you more, but you have to be patient."

"I know and I'm willing to wait. It's just that the other day, it…I've been a jerk, that's it. I'm sorry."

"You weren't a jerk. I want to give you this, but you have to give me a little more time," I tell her.

"All the time you need," she smiles at me.

Once more I kiss her lightly on the lips.

xxxxx

Cameron is sleeping soundly but I'm wide awake. I've been having insomnia though, it's been two weeks now and it's really bothering. I think that the case Sara and I are working on is making me think a lot. At least when I work I tire myself up a bit so when I get home I manage to sleep an hour or two. Today is my night off so I don't have such luck.

It's been a week since Cameron and I made peace. I won't say that things are perfect but at least they are back to normal. She's a bit less touchy, but seeing what happened the other day I don't give too much thoughts to it, I mean we're taking things slowly and it's fine by me.

I hear a car parking in the driveway and I can't help the smile on my face. I get out of the bed without a sound and exit my bedroom. I put my trainers on and grab my jacket then I exit the house.

I recognize Sara's figure on the stairs I go next to her and sit down silently. I called her and asked her to come by once she had finished her shift so I could get an update on our case. And also to have a moment with her if I'm honest with myself.

"How was the shift?" I ask her.

"Long," she answers with a sigh but smiles nonetheless. "I've had an idea for our case by the way."

"Yeah?"

"Yep. You know I thought about a way to bleed the victims dry and yet not to make any cast. I think the killers used the same techniques as for the embalmment. You know they use a big needle and a catheter and take all the blood out to replace it with embalm fluids. So my theory is that they took all the blood out and then slit the throats of the victims," she explains.

"Wouldn't there be a puncture marks on the victims then. I mean we're talking about a big needle here."

"Well maybe the cut hides the puncture mark," she says.

"Okay supposing you're right we're still at the same point. I mean half of the Nevada is a suspect and I'm just talking about the Nevada, nobody tells us that the killers are local."

"I know but a step is a step."

"It's a baby step then."

"The size doesn't matter, only the direction. And right now we took one tiny step in the right direction," Sara replies.

"Think positive. I got it," I joke.

We share a silence for a moment then she sighs. "Okay I should let you enjoy the rest of your day off," she says before standing.

"You can stay, I mean I wasn't doing anything anyway," I tell her hastily. I really don't want her to go now.

She hesitates and then sits back down.

"I meant to ask you something," I say out of the blue.

"Shoot," she replies.

I turn to her a pretend to have a gun "Bang."

She chuckles shaking her head "Smartass."

I chuckle back. I take a deep breath. "Lindsey is being a bit secretive and…well she wouldn't talk to me. I thought that maybe she had talked to you…"

"Cath…" she sighs. "If Linds talks to me and I'm not saying she does, don't you think that telling you would be a violation of her confidence?"

"She's my daughter Sara," I protest.

"I know and I understand your concern," she sighs again. "I care about you Cath and I care about her as well. You have my word that if I thought something was very important and that you needed to know it then I'd tell you in a heartbeat. For all I know Linds is fine, so give her time and she'll come to you."

"I hope you're right," I reply.

We start to talk a bit more. Then tiredness wins over her and I advise her to go back home before she gets too tired to drive. We stand up, she takes a step forward starting to go away but then she turns to me. Without warning she hugs me briefly, then before I can realize what's happening she pulls back and she's gone.

Funny how such a fast and ephemeral gesture can make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I watch her drive away and then get back in the house. I close the door behind me and take off my jacket. I start to walk back silently to my bedroom.

"Everything's okay?"

Cameron's voice startles me. I turn around and see her shadow in the kitchen. "I didn't mean to wake you up, sorry,' I tell her. I turn on the light so I can see her properly.

"It's okay. Something's wrong?" she asks again.

"No everything's fine."

"Then why did Sara come by?"

"Oh, she came to give me an update on our case," I reply simply.

"And that couldn't wait a few more hours? I mean you're going to see her again during your next shift, she surely could have waited a bit longer," Cameron says, I can feel anger underlying in her tone.

"It was important."

"Well not that much. I mean if you had a new lead or something consistent you'd be on your way to the lab now. You're still here so I conclude that it could have waited a little more."

"Look, Sara came by we talked about our case a few minutes that's it."

"45 minutes," she says sharply. "One hour and 45 minutes."

"What you're spying on me now?" I ask her.

"I'm just trying to understand what's going on. I mean, her coming by now and then during the day is one thing, but it's past 4a.m. Catherine, and I think she could realize on her own that it's not an hour to come by to talk about a case."

"Are you making me a jealousy crisis? Because if you do I stop you right there, I'm not up to it right now. you said it yourself it's past 4a.m." I warn her.

"I feel like you were mocking me and I hate that," she says shooting me a death glare.

"Mocking you? And how exactly am I doing this?"

"She came over to talk about a case? Oh please do I look that gullible?" she spits.

"Well that's the reason why she came and that's what we talked about. Now if you don't believe me it's your problem not mine. Now if you would excuse me I'm going back to bed."

She sighs and looks away. I shake my head and let her pout in her corner, then I go back in the bedroom. Five minutes later she comes in, when she lies in bed she stays on her side and doesn't snuggle.

I guess there's a first time to everything.

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**Alright I'm already working on the next update so it shouldn't be too long...according to the plan...**

**Thanks for reading.**


	33. Chapter 33

**Howdy oh everyone! I back with the update, it took two days more than I had planned but hey, I'm back pretty quickly. I'll make a proper note at the end. Thank you all for your reviews, you always make my day :)**

**Enjoy (if that's possible)**

**So ;)**

**ps: **Maximilliam**, I told you you'll get the explanation soon ;)**

csi7** I hope you'll like it ;)**

Madalyn**, interesting theory you got there and analyse of things. But yeah except for the obvious I'm not really confident on your theory either :P**

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**Chapter 33: Sara**

Do you ever sit and watch life like you were at a movie? You know, you just stop doing anything and just watch other people going on with life, wondering what they think or what it feels like to be in their shoes, or just to contemplate your own life, to see what you have and think about what you've lost. I do. In fact I do it a lot.

I love watching the boys play in the garden, I love watching Nancy just wandering around the house…I love watching my family. It has a soothing feeling on me.

I look what I have and then think about things evolve. You would have told me I'd be here a little over 2 years ago I'd have laughed on your face.

Some things change for the best, some for the worse, some even disappear.

Lately my life has been changing. I'm trying to get close to Cath again, she gave me another chance, sure there's a lot to do but at least now we're on track so we're moving. It's funny because I feel our relationship being more intense. I mean we've lost five months away from one another, granted I deserved it but it was hard, so now that everything is slowly coming back in order, we are trying to get that time back.

We have a new habit, we talk on the stairs in front of her house, I don't know why but it's our new thing. The reason I didn't get inside the first time I went back to her place was because I didn't want to intrude. She's with Cameron, which is a good thing, but it's not like Cameron and I were friends and I don't feel comfortable sharing Cath with her so to speak. I guess staying on the stairs is our way to be in a bubble, at least until Cath trusts me enough to start having breakfast with me again or to have me around in her house. I mean, yes I didn't ask to come in, but I was silently banned from there when things went south between us.

Anyway, what matters is that we're building up our relationship again. And I couldn't be more grateful for that.

xxxxx

"Babe did you bring me back my clothes from the dry cleaner?" Nancy asks me from the bathroom.

"Yep, and I already put them in your side of the dresser," I answer.

I'm leaning against the headboard of our bed, reading a file. She comes out of the bathroom and kneels on the bed then gets to my level. She kisses me. "Thank you, honey," she says before kissing me again.

"You're welcome," I smile back at her.

She lies next to me and takes a peek at what I'm reading. "Working again?"

"Yeah, I'm trying to see all the possible angles for this case," I say with a sigh. "But…" I start closing the file and putting it on my nightstand. "It can wait."

I arrange my position so I'm staying on one elbow slightly hovering over her. "Hello there," I smile at her.

"Hello stranger," she replies.

I lean down and kiss her. I've always liked her lips, fleshy, soft and sweet. I caress her hair with one hand while the other starts to race the curves of her body. The kiss is deep, our tongues teasing each other in a ballet we have perfected with time. One of my hands goes under her shirt, feeling her soft skin under my fingertips.

We are moaning, touching, caressing, teasing...letting the desire slowly bubbling up.

I pull away from her mouth and direct my lips to that soft spot she has in her neck, her response is immediate. She puts both her hands in my hair gently forbidding me to go anywhere, her breathing is shallow and she's making those little sexy sounds that turn me on and make me weak.

I suck harder on her neck and she gasps, trying to catch back her breathing, writhing under me. My hand reaches her breast and starts to gently caress it. She moans deeper and pushes herself against my hand. I pinch her nipple through her bra and keep on sucking on her neck. I push one of my legs against her center and as if her hips had a life on their own they start a slight motion of friction.

Her breathing is quickening and I can feel her heart beating against my chest in spite of the layers of clothes in between our two skins.

My hand leaves her breast and starts to go southward, my palm cups her fold in one motion and she gasps, buckling her hips. She moves against my hand wanting more contact. I start a slow motion with my hand not quite giving her what she's wanting. She starts to moan little non sense, begging me to release her.

I go past the barriers of her pants and underpants. My fingertips caress her oversensitive flesh, making her chanting my name in a weak voice.

Her body is shaking a bit and her skin is hot as if she had fever. I run one finger along her opening teasing her. Her hips rise a little from the bed asking for more. I bite the flesh of her neck as I get in her core. She cries out at the sensation of pain mingled with pleasure. I take a strong pace. One of her hands grips my shoulder under my shirt and she digs her nails on my skin. Her other hand gets on top of mine, silently asking me to keep the pace and deepening my touch.

My moves are strong and steady. She's having troubles breathing and I feel her body tensing under me. Her nails dig deeper into my flesh, I bite her neck harder, she pushes my hand deeper in her. I feel her legs contracting around my hand as she reaches her climax in loud moan, she makes a fist with the hand that is on my shoulder racking her nails hard on my flesh doing so. I feel her whole body shaking violently and it's like her orgasm was coursing right through me.

I release her flesh from my bite and kiss her flesh to sooth the pain. There's a big hickey on her neck and the angry red mark of my teeth. We're both heaving, not moving, enjoying the aftermath of the intense connexion we just had. Our skins are wet and hot. I'm still in her, she holds my hand hostage of her core. I kiss her jaw line slowly reaching her mouth. I take her bottom lip and suck on it gently before kissing her deeply.

I gasp and break the kiss as I feel her in me. I rest my forehead against hers and close my eyes as she's bringing me in higher spheres. My breath is caught in my throat and I can't do anything but moan. I start to caress her again settling with her pace. Our rhythm is slow yet deep. We are in osmosis, making a softer connexion, more intense. I open my eyes and look at her. Both our mouths are open and our breaths are mingling together. It's not long before I feel fire travelling my whole body and concentrated in the pit of my stomach.

The intensity of my orgasm leaves me mute and fighting to breathe again, I feel Nancy climaxing again only a second after me. I collapse on her, not able to hold myself anymore, my muscle all as hard as jelly.

I pull back my hand gently and feel her shivering at the gesture. I bite my lips as I feel her retreating from me. I lift my head up again and rest my forehead against hers a moment, when I got my breathing slightly under control I kiss her again. This time the kiss is different, calmer, full of love, soothing.

I rest on top of her and kiss her neck as her hand caress my hair in an affectionate gesture.

xxxxx

Catherine and I are back on the scene we processed yesterday, looking at it with fresh eyes.

"We have two problems. We don't know the killers' motives and we don't know how they get out," I state.

"Let's put the motive aside for now and focus on the more practical. How do they get out? Supposing the victims let them in, the perps get out leaving everything closed from inside. One perp can go out easily using the door. My take is this perp takes all their tools out and all material evidences."

"Okay, so one little perp is stuck in a house, he doesn't have the keys, he can't use the doors or the windows. What does he do?" I ask as if it was a math problem. "Let's see. We have….a chimney," I say pointing at the structure.

"Sounds plausible," Catherine states. "So…who's going to try?" she asks.

I look at her. "There's only one way to sort this out."

We put our right fists in between us in and shake them up and down "Rock, paper, scissor," we say at the same time.

I make a leaf with my hand while Catherine makes a rock. "Got you!" I exclaim and she growls.

She goes to the car, grabs an overall and some material before coming back. She puts the suit quickly over her clothes, she puts protective glasses, gloves and a helmet. She goes under the chimney and stands.

"Cath?"

"Yeah," she bends so she can look at me.

"If you see Santa tell him that I'm still waiting for my new car," I joke.

"Aren't you funny, now? Smartass," she chuckles and takes back her position.

She put her hands on two opposite faces and then jumps a little immediately putting her feet against the faces as well. She climbs a bit and starts to cough. Dark powder falls on the ground in big quantity on the floor.

"Okay Cath, come back, no need to go further," I tell her.

She slides down until she reaches the floor again. She comes out from under the chimney, more soot comes out of it. She shakes herself a bit to get rid of the excess soot, but she's still black like a shadow.

"You're okay?" I ask her as she coughs again.

"Yeah. I think I got some in my mouth though," she says sticking her tongue out.

"You barely made a meter and there's enough soot to make an inch thick layer on the floor."

"So, no playing super Santa then," she states. "Do we have an alternative?"

"There is…." I start to look around. My eyes fall on the trapdoor. I look at Cath again and she shakes her head.

"You're not serious," she tells me.

"The Calloways had a trapdoor, the Barringtons had a trapdoor and now the Hemers. You know come to think about it, it might actually be the only common factor for the three couples."

"No adult can go through this exit," she says firmly.

"I can."

She snorts, "Yeah sure, Sara, get real."

"I can get through it," I repeat with conviction.

"You'll stay stuck that's what's going to happen. Then we'll have to wait here all night for the fire-fighters to rescue you."

"Thanks for your faith in me," I reply.

"Sara, I'm smaller than you and I have a lighter frame. And I can tell you that I don't get through this hole."

"Let's try, shall we?"

"Fine, whatever, it's your time to waste," she says with a sigh. "Let me call the fire-fighters already so they can be there soon."

"I tell you what, if I get through it, you'll owe me a breakfast."

"It's not going to happen, but you're on."

I take of my jacket and empty my pockets. "Watch and learn faithless woman," I tell her before kneeling down at the level of the trapdoor.

I will go through it even if it takes hours, my pride is on the line now. I start to crawl and pass my hands through it then my shoulder after wriggling like a fish out of water. It's narrower than I thought, but I know I can do it, with patience and method.

I writhe, push, pull, move inch by inch but slowly I'm making my way out. The hardest part being my hip bone, but I manage. Once I'm finally through I'm soaked as if I just had a shower.

I smile cockily at Catherine as I get inside again, using the door this time. "Still not convinced?" I ask her slightly breathless.

"Alright, you made it through," she admits annoyed to be wrong. "Yet, there's a little problem, it took you over 20 minutes. I don't think the perp took that long, I mean they're trying to leave a crime scene here."

"Well it means that the perp has more skills, is smaller than me, and has an even smaller frame. We can't rule this option now," I reason.

"Alright, now we might know how they escape, I guess it's another small step in the right direction."

I take back my jacket and my belonging. My wallet falls on the floor, as I bend down to get it back something catches my eyes. "Do you have gloves and a bag near?" I ask, not leaving the object of my attention.

Catherine hands me what I'm asking and once I'm set I reach out and take the evidence.

"What do you got?" she asks.

"It could be nothing but it could be something," I tell her cryptically. "Looks like duct tape," I tell her before showing her the piece of tape I have in my hand.

"What is it here for?"

"We'll have to find out," I tell her with a little smile. At last we have something.

We make another thorough examination of the house then we go back at the lab. Once we arrive, we return in our lab and study pictures again.

"Hey did you see that?" she asks me.

"What?"

"Straight line, the blood makes a line."

I frown at the picture she's showing me. My eyes widen a bit. "Go find some duct tape, I'll be right back," I tell her before exiting the room.

I go in the break room and open the door of the fridge, just like I had hoped it Grissom kept some blood in it – some things never change. I take a pocket of blood and go to the lab where Catherine is waiting for me.

"You got the duct tape?" I ask.

"Yeah, you got the blood?"

"Yep."

"Let's go then."

We make a line of duct tape on the floor and pour a little bit of blood next to it. The red pool widens irregularly and stops when it reaches the tape. We sit and wait a bit, letting some time to the coagulation to make its work.

"I've called the funeral homes and there were no robberies reported. But it appears that there are two or three companies of medical tool and products making the deliveries for material," I tell Cath.

"So we need to know if they were robbed, or who has access to their stock. Well, the positive point is that now the list is relatively short."

We stay silent watching the pool of blood we've made.

"They make a safety line with duct tape. They kill, they wander around the house, taking their time, the blood coagulates in the meanwhile…." I start.

"Then they gather their tools..."

"They wear gloves so we have no prints."

"They take new shoes each time, but from common model, so we have zilch," Catherine continues.

"They do whatever they actually do in the house."

"Then," she starts, and pulls at one band of duct tape revealing a perfect line. "They take out the trash."

We both smile.

"You know, I don't think the blood is supposed to touch the tape, I think the tape is there just in case and that this time they've poured too much blood on the same spot and betrayed themselves," she says.

"The big question remains: why?" I ask.

"Why the victims let them in, why the master bedroom is spared from blood? And we have to see if there's a connection between all couples."

"Let's do this then."

xxxxx

"Catherine, Sara, I need to have a word with you," Grissom says.

We're all in the break room waiting for assignments, but obviously it'll wait. Cath and I stand and follow him silently. I let Cath enter his office first and then get in, closing the door behind us.

"Where are you in your case?" he asks.

"We're at a dead end for the moment," Catherine answers.

"Alright, you have to start working on other cases," he announces and Catherine and I both sigh heavily. "I know, the problem is, you're waiting for the perps to make a mistake. Now until they strike again, I need you."

We don't protest knowing he's right, but it doesn't stop the frustration though. It's been two more weeks on this case and we still have nothing new. We exit his office in silence.

"Bummer!" I exclaim.

"Sara, he's right we have to wait until they strike once more and make a mistake," Cath replies calmly.

"I know," I sigh. "But what if they never strike again? Then they get away with it!"

"That's unfortunately something that happens Sara, you know it just like I do," she says with a soft voice.

"It just pisses me off, that's all."

"I know, me too."

xxxxx

I'm working on one of the model cars with Allan when Nancy comes back home with Jeremy.

"Hey there you two," she says when she joins us in the garage. She kisses Allan's head and she pecks my lips.

"How was the meeting?" I ask her.

"It was okay, they're all satisfied with his work lately and they only hope it will continue," she answers talking about Jeremy. Tonight was a parents/teacher meeting, usually I go with her, but Allan's basketball practice has been cancelled so I stayed home with him, playing the mechanic.

"Good, that's good. We'll make sure it stays that way," I reply.

"Hey Sara," Jeremy says kissing my cheek, before turning his attention to the model on the table.

"Your mom told me the meeting went well. I'm proud of you big guy," I ruffle his hair a bit.

"Thanks," he smiles. "So could you find the problem?" he asks mentioning the car.

"Yeah, one piece was broken in the motor mechanism," Allan says.

"O-kay, I'll leave you guys having fun. Dinner's in 40 minutes," Nancy announces. She kisses me one more time before leaving the room.

I work on the model car with the boys twenty more minutes before leaving them on their own. I wash my hands clean before joining Nancy in the kitchen.

I sit on the island and I watch her move around for a long moment in silence. "Do you need help with anything?" I finally ask her.

She turns to me with a smile "No that's fine I got it under control."

It's strange you know. I feel the things changing. I feel like a distance between Nancy and I. We're fighting but I feel this tiny void between us sometimes. It's like…like something was missing. Then we close the distance, and we cling onto one another in desperation, but after a little while the distance comes back, a little bigger than the last time. It's hard to explain. I just feel things changing.

I'm telling myself that it's a normal phase, but somewhere in the back of my head, I know it's not that simple.

I get down from the island and go to Nancy. I circle her waist with my arms from behind and she leans into me. I kiss her neck gently. She turns to me and kisses me on the lips then looks at me silently. "You're okay?" she asks with a light frown.

"Yeah," I smile at her a bit.

"Not that I hate being in your arms, but it's not helping me to cook."

I snort with a smile. I kiss her one more time before letting her go.

xxxxx

"I don't even know what we're looking for," Catherine says.

We're processing a giant aquarium tank full of feathers. It was an attraction of the casino, dancers who go in and make their show as feathers were being blow in every sense with a ventilation system. One customer has been killed, the bartender said he saw somebody dropping something in the aquarium. So there's a bloody, sharp object hidden in the aquarium.

"Well, whatever we're looking for is under the ton of feathers," I state.

"It's going to take hours to remove all the feathers."

"Not necessarily," I smile at her. "Whatever it is, is heavier than the feathers so…"

"You're dying to put the ventilation on, don't you?" she shakes her with a chuckle.

"One it'll be fun, and it'll help to save time," I reason.

Catherine climbs out of the aquarium with the scale and asks the manager to turn on the ventilation before coming back next to me.

"Alright, all the feathers are white, so all we have to do is to follow the red ones," I barely finish my sentence when the ventilation is turned on. All the feathers start to fly around, our hair is blown up in the air as well.

I spread my arms to feel the powerfulness of the air. "This is so cool," I shout to Catherine, she just shakes her head laughing at my childish behaviour.

We look around and as foreseen we find a bloody object on the floor, with sticky red feathers next to it. We process it with the ventilation still running. Once we're done Catherine makes sign to the officer outside the tank so they turn off the ventilation.

Soon it's raining feathers around us and we both laugh.

"I want to do it again," I say cheerfully.

"My goodness, you're worst than a child," she chuckles.

We shake ourselves free of feathers and then get out of the tank. We finish processing the rest of the club and then go back to our car.

"I owe you a breakfast by the way," she says out of the blue.

"Hey that's right," I reply with a smile.

"Want to have it today after shift?" she asks.

"Yeah, absolutely."

I hadn't mentioned it again since we made our deal over two weeks ago. I know she wants to take things slow as far as we are concerned and I supposed she wasn't ready for us to have breakfast together. I mean talking on her stairs is one thing, going out is another.

The end of the shift comes pretty quickly. I have to say that having my friendship with Catherine helps a lot, the atmosphere at work being lighter and more harmonious.

We're in the locker room getting ready to clock out. I'm leaning against the lockers while Catherine is gathering her belongings. We're talking about our case. She turns to me and I can't help the giggle escaping me.

"What?" she asks me.

"Nothing, you have a…." I trail off and reach for her hair pulling a feather out of it delicately. She laughs a bit remembering how the feather got there.

I put back her lock behind her ear and look at her. As our eyes make contact I feel my breath getting stuck in my throat. I feel like I was looking at her for the first time. Her eyes have never been so blue and deep; and her smile…

Tiredness is visible on her feature, yet all I can think of right now is to how beautiful she is.

Wow.

I feel a warm fuzzy feeling coursing through my entire body, my heart starts to beat hard enough to nearly destroy my ribcage and a crazy butterfly fluttering in my stomach. For a moment I don't remember how to breathe.

"Sara?" she calls me.

I blink my eyes, breaking the spell. "Are you okay?" she asks me.

"Yeah… I…uh…just kind of zone out, sorry."

"Maybe you should get back home and get some rest, we'll have breakfast another day," she says.

"Yeah, I think that's what I'm going to do actually," I answer.

"Okay," she says a little disappointed about our rain check even if she's the one who proposed it. "Well, see you tomorrow then."

"Yeah," I reply before getting out in a rush.

xxxxx

When I get home I go straight into the bathroom and have a long hot shower. Then I go in bed I turn on my side, not taking Nancy in my arms as I would usually do. She snuggles against me though almost immediately, kissing my neck but not completely waking up.

I'm willing my heart to calm down.

I might not be a genius when it comes to relationships but even I know that I shouldn't feel what I'm feeling right now.

This is just wrong.

xxxxx

"Sara, stop…..okay, okay…you won," Nancy says in between her breaths as she's laughing. I'm tickling her in our bed. We've been fighting like kids for the past hour. I'm straddling her while she's writhing and giggling under me.

I decide to have mercy on her and we look at each other. She has sparkling eyes and a smile on her lips. She's blushing a bit from all her laughing. I put back one if her locks behind her ear.

No butterflies, no fuzzy feeling, just affection.

I can feel my smile fading away from my lips. I kiss her gently then pull away. "I'm going to see what the boys are doing," I tell her before standing up and leaving the room.

I join the boys in the garden and sit on the bench of the backyard porch. I mean against the wall, close my eyes and sigh.

Wrong.

There's something wrong.

xxxxx

I'm swimming into confusion, my life is a big ball of confusion.

Three weeks ago I had a strange reaction to Catherine while having a gesture as simple as putting her lock back behind her ear. I thought it was a one time thing, that I had had a sort of 'attack' you know, struck by her beauty.

Only I tend to have the same reaction a lot when I'm around her now. When she smiles at me or just when she's around. I didn't stop to think about the meaning of all this, the only meaning it has for now is: trouble.

Then there's this distance between Nancy and I. At first I thought it only came from me, but thinking about it we both seem to pull away from one another, yet on another hand we try to hang on. I know it, she knows it, but neither of us seems to be willing to acknowledge what's happening and bring it into the open. So we just go on with our daily life as if everything was normal.

Things are strange. They are evident, yet something is missing. I can't put my finger on it but it is missing.

xxxxx

"I'll never get tired of watching them," Nancy says talking about Allan and Jeremy. They are playing in the backyard while her and I are sitting on the bench under the porch, watching them. "They're growing up so fast," she says with affection.

"You did a great job with them. They are good boys."

"We did a good job too," she adds looking at me. I smile at that. She puts her hands on the back of my neck and caresses my hair there in a soft gesture.

"Do you remember our first kiss?" she asks me out of the blue after a long silence.

I chuckle. "How could I forget?" I smile at the memory.

"I remember what I felt when you kissed me…it was…intense….unique…" she says staring at the distance. "It was like nothing I had known before. It confused the hell out of me but mostly it just…surprised me. I was stunned by the powerfulness of this feeling. You know, for the whole week that followed I couldn't stop feeling it. I wouldn't stop myself from feeling it. I thought to myself…I want to feel like this everyday of my life, feeling like everything was new, feeling like it was the first time I was tasting those new sensations."

"The joy of renewal," I say softly.

"Yeah…" she sighs. She looks at me intently. "That's how you made me feel for over two years."

The use of the past tense is not lost on either of us.

"But…" I start for her.

"We've been drifting so far away from one another for the past three months that…I feel like I was losing a part of myself everyday," she says softly.

I wish she was wrong. I wish I could find the words to tell her she's wrong. I wish I could find the arguments to prove her she's wrong. I can't. I want to, but I can't, because she's right.

"This is right. We are right but somehow…" I trail of.

"It feels wrong or at least, something feels wrong."

"Yeah, I don't get it. I want to be here, I want to be with you. If it's what I want, if I have all that I want, then why the hell do I feel so…" I say in confusion.

"Incomplete."

Silence wraps itself around us.

This is it, it's happening. We're taking the bull by its horn, putting words on what we've been ignoring for the past months.

"I miss it," she says. I turn and look at her, asking her silently to elaborate. "This feeling. I miss the army of butterflies going crazy in my stomach when I see you, when you smile at me, when you kiss me, when you touch me."

The 'butterfly effect' theory. That's how we called it. We talked about this a long time ago, I think we weren't even lovers yet. When you're in relationship with someone you're in love with, you have the butterfly effect almost every time you're with your lover. Of course, with time the effect calms down, but the beauty of love consist on this ability you have tore-create this butterfly effect, over and over again with the simplest gestures. When you definitely lose this effect and the ability to re-create it, then it's the first sign that things are changing.

"I love you Nance," I tell her honestly.

"I love you too," she replies.

"Why does it feel so different?" I ask her.

"Because our love has changed. It's deep, unconditional and true, but it's not passionate and made of fire like it used to be."

"It's just so hard to admit it," I confess her.

"That's because admitting it, makes it real. At least when we don't say it, then we can pretend it's not the case."

It's hard to admit that what you've been working on for the past two years and a half has come to an end. Not because you've achieve it, but because you don't have anything to give to it anymore, or at least because what you have to give is not enough to go higher.

Feelings change constantly. Our love has changed. Love is constant. Love stays love no matter what happens. Now what's changing is its intensity. There are different degrees of love, different level, love is a tricky feeling. When they say falling in love, it's about this constant renewal of the feeling; this passion making you always want more; this feeling growing a little more everyday so much that sometimes you don't know if you'll contain it all; this urge to give everything without restriction; to do more for the other; falling in love, means falling in love everyday with the same person, because the love you feel is just more intense than the previous day.

Falling out of love doesn't mean that you stop loving the other. It means that you start loving them in a different way. And that's a big difference.

That's what is happening now between Nancy and I. The love remains but the passion's gone.

"We can stay together," she says.

"Yes we can. I'm happy with you, we're good together."

"But the puzzle is incomplete and it'll stay that way from now on."

"Yeah…" I breathe out. "We could stay together, but then in ten years from now, we'll wake up one day, bitter and sad because of what's missing."

"That's inevitable," she nods slowly.

"Then where do we go from here?" I ask.

"Slowly but surely, we're going to learn how to live without one another," she states.

"It's going to be hard," I reply.

"There's no rush, we'll do it little by little," she smiles at me.

It seems simple and easy. What's happening right now, seems to be easy because we both seem serene about it, detached. It seems so easy, truth to be told it's everything but. Sure it's going smoothly, at least the words are going smoothly. Now there's a lot left to do, and this is going to be hard, hard to bring everything to a closure, hard to turn the page. You just don't give up on over two years of your life in the snap of your fingers. It takes time and it hurts.

We both have the same look, a look full of sadness and melancholy.

"We are a family, that's a given. No matter what happens this will never change, just like I'll always love you," she says.

"I'll always love you," I echo her words. And it's true, I could never stop loving her in a deep, unconditional and true way.

So this is it? It's over?

Why am I not screaming in agony at the top of my lungs? Why am I not kneeling down begging for it not to be over? Why don't I feel like I couldn't breathe anymore?

"Ten months ago, I was devastated. I was ready to kill just to be back with you. But now… I feel sad and it stings, but I don't feel broken-hearted. I don't understand why I'm so calm, why we are so calm about it," I tell her.

"Ten months ago, it was too soon, we had still a lot to give to one another. Now…it's just the right thing to do. Don't think we're giving up. We've been fighting this silently for months now. But it's a fact, we have given all we had to give."

That's true. We've been desperately trying to close the distance, but it just kept on growing.

"So I guess…it's time to let go," I say.

"Yeah, with no regrets. We had our chance, we took it, and it's been fantastic. We loved each other passionately, we've made a family…"

"We still love each other," I add.

"Just not the way two lovers should."

I stand and face her, then I kneel down to be at her level. I cut her face and look at her intently. "You've given me the best two and a half years of my life," I tell her truthfully my words coming right from my heart. I can't help the tears damping my cheeks.

She laughs a bit. "That's my line," and we both chuckle.

Then sadness takes over us again. We're both crying silently. I lean in and kiss her deeply, desperately, as if she'd vanish if I was to let go. This kiss is made of all my affection for her, of all my love for her, it's made of all my gratitude for everything she's given me, it's made of everything I am.

This kiss is intense, yet different from all the kisses we have ever shared, it has the bitter sweet taste of our tears, of the end.

We pull back and rest our foreheads against the others. We're slightly breathless, we're both smiling a bit. I kiss her one more time, letting my lips lingering against hers.

"I love you," I whisper.

"I love you too," she whispers back.

I sit back down on the bench and I take her in my arms, we hold each other tightly, silently.

This is the end.

This is not just the end of a couple, this is not just the end of a love story, this is not just the end of a two years and a half relationship, this is not just the end of something beautiful and intense.

This is the end of an era.

* * *

**I can't believe you made me do this, because this is all because of you, I broke my couple, for you! ;)... I am so sad right now...I think I'm going to go and pout in my corner a bit before working on the next update...but I'll try not to be too long.**

**So this is it. Some of you will hate me for doing what I just did, but it was a necessary wrong thing to do. Some of you will reproach me with the way I did it, but I speak out of experience when I say that not every love story ends on a melodramatic note, sometimes it's just about acknowledging the death of a feeling. Anyway...**

**Let's look at the bright side...everybody's alive.**

**Thanks for reading.**


	34. Chapter 34

**Howdy oh! Okay I know it's shorter than usually but the next chap will be long...Now if anyone of you sees a sparkle responding to the name of Mojo, tell her to get back home that I'm sorry and that we'll talk things through...Anyway, thanks for your reviews, it cheered me up a bit after the break up. ;)**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: **scuby,** thanks for everything, we never work better than when we argu ;) (which I like a lot)**

Titpom1,** another frenchy, yay! I feel less alone. Moi aussi, je suis compatriote de Baudelaire et autres Victor Hugo,alors les revues en français sont aussi les bienvenues ;)**

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**Chapter 34: Catherine**

Cameron is sleeping next to me. We were supposed to go out but she was really exhausted and just fell asleep on the couch, in the end I lead her to bed for a better rest. Things have been slowly progressing between us. I'm trying to let her in a little more and to be more involved in our relationship.

I know what you're thinking, I shouldn't have to put an effort for it, those things should come naturally. Well, I'll have you know that relationships are about making constant effort to find balance and to keep it, then to strengthen it.

I'd be lying if I was saying that my relationship with Cameron is easy. It's not. I want to let her close to me, but I can't. I think my decision backfired at me. At first it was good to be with someone, but now we are to the point where … she expects more from me than I'm willing to give. It's normal, the only thing is that I'm still asking myself if I'm ready for it.

I have to give this a shot. A real one. I've been unfair to her, I mean she's been really patient and understanding and I didn't give her back half of what she's giving me. I like her, a lot.

I know that I want more with Cameron. I also know that I'm scared to get hurt, that and a part of me – as tiny as it is - is still feeling something for Sara.

I need to move on definitely. I mean, I know there's no use to wait for Sara and I to happen. It won't. Now I have to focus on what I have and trying to find happiness and satisfaction in it.

xxxxx

"Hey there," Nancy greets me as I come in her house.

I follow her to the kitchen. I sit on a stool behind the island and watch her as she finish whatever she was doing on her laptop. Don't ask me why but she always works in the kitchen.

"Nance?" I hear Sara's voice coming from the corridor. "Who was it?" she says as she enters the living room.

"Cath," Nancy states the obvious as Sara sees me.

"Hey Cath," she says with a little smile that goes away as quickly as it came.

I don't know what's going on with Sara, but I know that she's been pulling away from me. I didn't push the issue, but it's like she was…I don't know avoiding me, or at least like she wasn't at ease around me. I thought we were doing find at the 'getting back together' thing, and we were until a few weeks ago. I propose her the breakfast I owed her, and after that she's been putting distance between us. I don't think that problem comes from me, I mean I made sure that our interaction was safe, we didn't have arguments, we didn't have any real fall out.

I decided to let her in her corner figuring out whatever's in her mind. She'll come to me eventually. Plus, I can always be there for her whenever she's like that, it's leaving an opening for hurt, and I already paid my due in that department.

"We're ready to go," Sara says to Nancy.

Allan comes in the living room, ready to go out. "Hey aunty," he greets me with a kiss on my cheek.

"How are you?" I ask him with a fond smile.

"I'm okay, we're going to the movie then we're going to the arcade, and since Jeremy isn't there I get to pick the movie," he says with enthusiasm.

"That sounds good," I reply and he just smiles. "Have fun then," I take him in my arms before ruffling his hair a bit and he giggles.

"Okay, squirt, let's go," Sara says putting her jacket on. "Say goodbye to your mother," she adds as she takes her keys.

"Goodbye to your mother," Allan replies wittily as he hugs and kisses his mother.

"We raised a clever boy haven't we?" Nancy chuckles.

"Yes we did," Sara says before taking Nancy in her arms.

"Can I open the car?" Allan asks. Sara smiles and gives him the keys, he beams in response and goes out.

"Be careful and don't come back too late."

"Don't worry, we'll be back before dinner and no we're not going to eat too much junk food," Sara finishes. She kisses Nancy's neck then her cheeks several times. Then she lets her lips linger on Nancy's skin. Nancy smiles softly and leans her forehead against Sara's.

I've always been jealous of their affection. They always display love in the simplest gesture, when you see it all you think is 'I want to have that too'.

"I love you," Sara says.

Nancy kisses Sara on the lips softly "I love you too," she answers.

Sara lets go of Nancy and goes to the door, "Bye Cath," she throws over her shoulder. She waits for my response before going out, joining Allan.

I turn to Nancy who still has a soft smile on her lips. I have to give this to Sara she's put a smile on my sister's face that seldom fades away.

"So I've been meaning to ask you…" I start once Nancy and I are alone again.

"Ask me what?"

"You and Sara….how did you ask her to move in?"

"Easily, I never did," she chuckles.

I look at her with a shocked expression. "You never did? Then how did you manage to end up living together?" I ask intrigued.

"I know, I know, it sounds weird but…how can I explain myself?" she sighs with a smile. "Things have always been evident between us. We've been needy for one another pretty quickly. We were almost living together when we were just friends. I mean I was sleeping at her place two weeks after we met and I had the keys to her apartment after the first night I slept there. So after we started dating it was evident. Then when you found out about us and once we had talked things through, it wasn't even a question, I gave her the keys of the house and she moved in," she says. "It's always been about spending all our time together, we've always had this craving need for each other…I told you about the night we met?"

"Yeah, dinner at Meg's," I reply nodding.

"Exact. We left Meg's house around 2 a.m. then we went to a diner to talk some more sharing coffee and hot chocolate. Sara drop me home around six, yet at ten we were back together to have breakfast, it was like we didn't want to spend time apart. It's always been like this. You know in the three months her and I have only been friends and nothing else, there must have been only a dozen of days we haven't spent together, and seven of those days were my week of reflection after our first kiss. So you know…living together wasn't a question we needed to debate"

"You never told me about your first kiss," I state. I know how they met, but I never went too far in the details where they were concerned because I've never been really comfortable with them being together. Once I came to accept they were together the questions I asked to Nancy were how they met and how it was going. Now though, I think I'm comfortable enough to ask and actually listen to the answer.

"You never asked," she chuckles. "Like you want to know…"

"I do, tell me," I reply genuinely curious.

"Well…we were here getting ready for our afternoon. We were supposed to go see a movie. We were on the couch, I had my feet on her laps, I was reading and she was looking at the program to choose the movie we'd see. Then I asked her how it was to kiss a woman, don't ask me why but it was something I wanted to know that day. And we made an 'experiment', she allowed me to put that question into practice, so to speak. And wow…it was an eye opener, it's like I was discovering my senses for the first time….it was scary as heel but just as much exciting and elating…" she smiles with awe. "We ended up in my bedroom, starting to take our kiss beyond the 'experiment' boarders…"

"Wait, you slept with her the same day you first kissed her?" I asked stunned making her blush in the process. I mean, Sara is the first woman Nancy has ever been with and knowing my sister it's surprising that everything went so fast.

"That's probably what would have happened if you hadn't called. You broke the spell so to speak," she giggles.

"I'm sorry… I guess."

"Oh don't be, she asked me out then. And one week of reflection later I went to tell her that I wanted to try as well. Then you know the rest of the story."

"So… it's always been that easy, living with your girlfriend?" I ask getting back on our original topic. "I mean I lived with Eddie…but that was different. We were married but…it was never a bed of roses with him."

"I know what you mean," she says, of course she does, she's always been there to pick the rest of me up when Eddie would hurt me one way or another. "And to answer your question, yes, it's always pretty easy between Sara and I. I've always been amazed at the connection we share, I mean, we weren't the best couple nor the most perfect one but… we've always been on the same wavelength and even if sometimes we had issues we would come back to the same page quickly, we were good together, very good," she chuckles.

"I'm thinking about asking Cameron to move in," I drop the bomb.

Nancy looks at me, imitating the fish out of water for a second. "Wow…talk about a surprise. Are you sure about this? I mean you really want it?"

"Yes…no…I don't know," I sigh. "It's a logical step."

"A logical step…" she repeats with a little frown.

"We've been together for 8 months."

"But…you want this…right?" she asks cautiously.

"It's a logical progression in our relationship and yes I want it" I say with conviction. "She's smart, beautiful, considerate…what's not to want about her?"

"She's a good person but…I'm not sure that moving in with her because it's logical is a good idea."

"Nance, you and Sara are so good together…I just…" I trail off as something just hits me. "Wait…what did you say that earlier?"

"Say what," she frowns in confusion.

"You said you 'weren't' the best couple. Why did you refer to the two of you using the past tense?"

"Because we broke up?" she says cautiously.

"What?!" I exclaim.

"We broke up," she repeats casually.

"But…why Nance? When?" I ask. "Hold on, I didn't imagine things earlier, you did kiss each other goodbye and say 'I love you', what the hell is going on?" I feel like the world was spinning backward.

"We broke up two weeks ago and…"

"Two weeks ago?!! Why am I learning this only now?" I almost shout.

"Well it's not like you had been around a lot lately, we haven't had time to talk you and I."

My heart is racing and I feel like somebody just told me that my puppy has been hit by a bus. "I hate to admit it but…you and her were near damn perfect….how could that happen?" I'm in shock. Then I shake my head to compose myself again. I go to Nancy and take her in my arms, holding her tight. "I'm sorry, little bean," I pull away a little and look at her. "How are you?"

She smiles. "I'm fine, thank you"

"I'm going to kill her, how could she do this to you?" I say angrily.

"It was a common agreement," Nancy says calmly. "Cath I'm fine."

"No you're not. You're telling me that you broke up with her after two years and a half together, yet you still live with her, and you are too damn calm and detached about it."

"Cath, I'm fine. I swear."

"I'm going to kill her," I repeat.

"No you're not," she sighs "Cath I know it's surprising, but I'm okay, it's something we both wanted and everything is fine."

I look at Nancy and she seems to be fine, but knowing her she's probably putting a brave face on. I sigh and reluctantly let her go "Look, I got to go, but I'll come back so we can talk about it, okay?"

"Sure," she answers with a soft smile.

xxxxx

I go to work pissed at hell and in a murderous mood. I spend my shift in my office getting my paperwork up to date. And lucky I haven't met Sara yet because I'm about to rip her apart.

I have to go out for a moment, giving a hand to Warrick, but I'm back to the lab less than two hours later. When I go in the locker room to change, Sara is sitting on a bench with her head hanging down, lost in thoughts. Unadulterated anger burns through me.

I throw my jacket on the bench and open my locker so hard that the door slams against the other locker. She raises her head suddenly, startled by the sound. She watches me silently.

"Something's wrong?' she asks.

She got some nerves. I turn to her completely and don't say anything. There are so many words I want to shout that it's burning my tongue. I turn to my locker once again and start gathering my things.

"O-Kay," she sighs. "Am I supposed to guess what's wrong?"

"Are we friends? I mean….seriously, are we friends?"

"I think I'm offended you'd even ask," she tilts her head. "Yes we are," she answers firmly.

"Then why do I have to find out from my sister that you two broke up two weeks ago, two weeks ago!" I spit. "I mean that's the kind of things friends tell to each other, even more since this is my sister we're talking about!" my tone is accusatory but I make sure that I'm not shouting.

"Well, I don't owe you explanation or anything."

"This is a joke? You were dating my sister for goodness sake!"

"Regardless the fact that it's your sister, it also happens to be my privacy, and I don't 'have to' tell you anything, if I don't feel up to it," she replies calmly. "In that case though, I just needed time for myself."

"That's BS Sara!" I reply. "You should have told me. I can understand not telling the guys and announcing it to the rest of the world…but I'm your friends… I recall you practically begging for me not to end our friendship on more than one occasion."

"So what?" she comes back. "I don't remember any rules saying I should tell you everything on the instant."

"You've been lying to me!"

"How?" she asks with surprise.

"If we're working a case and a suspect doesn't tell us something upfront, we consider that lying...you...you not telling me about you and Nancy...that's lying, in my book it is"

"I needed time for myself, that's all," she repeats.

"You wouldn't buy that line if a perp used it on you...and I'm not buying it now."

"I'm not a perp Catherine," she protests. "I didn't commit any crime. What's wrong with you?"

"She's my sister Sara, you broke her heart and I wish you'd had the guts to tell me so. I deserved to know that, so I could be next to her and pick up the pieces of the mess you've done."

"There aren't pieces to pick up, I didn't break her heart."

"Ho w can I believe that when you didn't trust me enough to tell me it was over between you two?" I ask vehemently.

"Okay, first of I don't get how my break up with Nancy becomes a matter of trust between you and I. Then you might not realize it but I do care about Nancy a lot…hell I love her…and I needed time damn it!"

"If you loved her so much you wouldn't have dumped her!" I say harshly.

"Who ever said I'd dumped her?"

"I just assumed…"

"That's your biggest problem Cath, you always 'assume'. How about once in your life trying to know what things really are before coming to me with your BS?"

"Fuck you Sara!"

"Really articulate," she just says calmly.

"I guess that was to be expected… I should have known that's you'd hurt my sister, which I always suspected you would so," I start to pace back and forth.

"Wow, wow, time out. I didn't hurt Nancy."

"I should have known that you'd lie about it…"

"I didn't lie!" she repeats.

"How can I trust you to be honest with me when you couldn't be trusted with my sister's heart?" I ask firmly poking Sara's chest with an accusatory finger.

"You're out of your mind."

"No, I'm very much in my mind…I didn't walk out on the one person that I claimed to be the best thing that happened in my life…you did…that clearly makes you out of your mind."

"What the fuck are you talking about?!" she shout.

"Keep your voice down, everyone in the damn building doesn't have to hear this conversation!" I call her back in order.

"I didn't break up with your sister. **We** broke up with each other. I didn't break her heart, she didn't break mine, the only thing broken here is our relationship, happy? Now, please mind your own business," she says standing up.

"Excuse me?"

"Do I stutter?" she replies.

"You're hurting my sister, first breaking up with her and then sending her mixed signal. If you have broken up with her why are you still acting like you too were together?"

"The way Nancy and I handle this is our business," she starts to walk away but stop and looks at me again. "You know what? I think you're taking this break up harder than either of Nancy and I did."

"That's pretty fucked up if I'm the only one caring here."

"Don't get me wrong. I'm sad things ended between Nancy and I, but Nancy and I are on the same page," she looks at me intently. "Nancy and I are okay with it, why can't you? What bothers you? The fact that we broke up or the fact that I haven't told you about it?"

"You don't spend two years of your life devoted to someone as much as you claim to have been devoted to Nancy and then just decide to end things…" I say feeling lost.

"I don't have to explain you anything Catherine. Nancy and I have broken up and we are fine with it, we are dealing with things, period."

I don't answer anything. I don't know what I feel, anger, frustration, sadness, fear…lost.

Sara keeps looking at me, then she walks away, leaving me in the locker room, struggling with my thoughts.

How can that be possible? I could they breaking up? I mean they were good together, they loved each other, they were almost the perfect. How could they end this up? I'm confused about it all. If love can't work in the perfect condition, if they didn't make it, then who will?

I don't even want to think about the consequences of their break up.

xxxxx

I'm kissing Cameron. We're making out on the couch like teenagers. She's on top of me, I feel one of her hands going under my shirt, caressing my stomach and I just moan in response. "Cam?" I breathe her name.

She kisses my neck, still caressing me with her other hand "Mmhmm?" she hums her lips not leaving my neck.

"I want to…" I manage to say before moaning again, holding her head in place. "…want to ask you…hmm… something."

She bites my skin gently then nibbles on my pulse point. "Can't it wait?' she asks continuing her ministrations.

"Mmm…no…I want to know….god that feels good..." I sigh in pleasure. "Will you…"

She comes back to my mouth and kisses me. "Will I what?" she smiles in our kiss.

I put my hands on either side of her face and kiss her. "Will," a kiss. "You," a kiss. "Move," a kiss. "In?" another kiss. She pulls away from me after a second and stares at me. "Babe? Did I say something wrong?"

"What did you just say?" she asks still staring at me. I chuckle a bit and pull her down to me again.

"I asked you to move in with me," I repeat before kissing her again. She pulls away from me completely, sitting up. "Cam?"

She shakes her head a bit. "Where did that come from?"

"We've been together for 8 months, I want to be able to spend more time with you and it seems like it's time to take another step in our relationship."

She chuckles. "Another step…right."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

She rubs her eyes passing a hand over it then turns to me. "One second you're needy for me, then the next you're distant, one moment you want me then the next you reject my touch, one second you talk to me and the next you clam up…I mean, it's a daily struggle just to spend an entire day together because of your mood swings, I never know on what foot I'm supposed to stand…hell we can barely make it to the next physical step and you want me to move in with you?"

I stand up and put distance between us. "That's unfair."

"That's the truth," she replies.

"I told you when we met that I wasn't ready to get involved. And yet I'm giving what I can, which is much more than I though I could give. But nothing is ever good enough for you is it?" I nod in anger "So that's a no then."

"That's a 'are you kidding me'?" she says.

"Fuck you Cameron."

"You make it sound like I was the one holding us back," she snorts.

"I should have listened to my sister," I say more to myself than to Cameron.

"You're the one that doesn't know what she wants," she replies with frustration.

"I just asked you to move in… how is that not knowing what I want?"

"That's just what you want today, then in two days you'll come to me saying that you take it back because you're not ready after all. That's the way it works, one step forward and three backward."

"You act like I was a fickle teenager trying to decide on her favourite color!" I protest.

"Well that's a bit what you've been doing. We've been together for 8 months and I feel like I was your yoyo."

"My yoyo? I'm not toying with you. I'm here...I've been here for 8 months and I'm trying to be here longer...I'm trying to take us a step forward in this relationship, you're the one holding us back...you're the one laughing in my face."

She snorts "That's rich. I'm the only one trying to make this work Cath."

"I wasn't ready to date...but you insisted...so I went out with you… I wasn't ready to be involved...but you wanted to be...so I've tried…You wanted to be physical and I've tried to accommodate you and now, I'm trying to make a move, to bring us closer together...to give us more time together...and you're not fucking happy with that either."

"You make it sound like I was forcing you to be with me!" she says louder.

"I'm here because I want to be, it's not like I don't have the choice Cameron."

"What are you saying?"

"All I'm saying is that I want to be with you…it's my choice. I chose to be with you, just like I chose to ask you to move in, because I want you to be with me."

"I don't think you have any idea of what I've been putting up with for the past 8 months…" she starts.

"Fuck, is this about sex?" I start to pull off my shirt and strip out of my clothes. I'm naked in a matter of seconds and she just stares at me stoically. "Fine, do you want me on my back or on my knees Cameron?" I spit at her. "here, have sex with me…" I walk to her and stop only inches away. "Is that what you want? What's holding us back? Let's have sex…"

She doesn't move a muscle and keeps on looking at me silently. "You're ridiculous Cath."

"I'm ridiculous? I'm here, naked…offering you sex. Isn't it what you want from me?"

"No," she answers calmly.

"No?"

"Yes Catherine…no. I want much more than that."

"What…do….you…want?" I say through my teeth with hot burning tears.

She cups my face delicately. I refuse to meet her eyes though. "Look at me," she orders gently. It takes me some seconds but eventually I do as I'm told. "I love you Catherine," she declares.

To say I'm shock would be an understatement. I forget how to breathe for a second, then my heart starts to work on destroying my ribcage. "I…I love you too," I hear myself say.

She looks at me for a moment, not saying anything, letting my words sink in. she leans in to kiss me but I avoid her lips. She looks at me with confusion, she's about to speak but I silence her with two fingers on her lips. I grab her hand and lead her to my bedroom.

Once in there I start to kiss her, then I process to undress her slowly.

No rush, no more holding back, no more doubting.

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**Ok, I'm already working on the next chap. Remember I have a plan, so don't doubt. Everything happens for a reason. Have faith in me.**

**Thanks for reading.**


	35. Chapter 35

**Howdy oh! I know I made you wait a bit...but since it's a long chap so I have an excuse...that and work...anyway thanks for your reviews, I love you guys!**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: **scuby** thank you for everything, arguments included ;)**

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Chapter 35: Sara**

The door to the backyard is opened then closed. I don't turn to acknowledge the presence, I just keep on staring at the distance, it's what I've been doing for the past hour now.

Nancy sits next to me and shares my silence. Two weeks since we've officially broken up, yet it's like we were still together. We're not naïve enough to think that we can stay like this for ever but for now that's what we need.

I feel her eyes on me but I still refuse to face her. She doesn't speak, just envelops me in a hug, a warm, loving hug that says more than words could ever express. I close my eyes and let myself go in her arms, I sigh and take all the love she's silently offering me, comforting myself there, where I belong, close to her heart.

I pull away from her in a soft motion, she frowns a little but doesn't break the silence.

"Martin needs another month, maybe two, before moving in his new place definitely. I don't mind being his roommate for the time being though…just so you know," I start, still not making eye contact. "So one word and I move out right now."

Martin is a friend of mine, he's moving into a new place but he wanted all the painting and decorating to be done, all the little details to be fixed, he wanted his new home to be perfect before moving into it. So he's living in my apartment for the time being. I know what you think, I've spent two and a half years with Nancy and I kept my apartment. Let me be clear, I lived completely at Nancy's and I didn't keep my apartment as a safety net, I just did because life being what it is my friends were in need and I was more than happy to help them. And it was planned that once Martin was had moved out, I'd sell it for good. Obviously the plan has changed.

"Why are you telling me this?" she asks surprised.

"I know we've discussed the situation and all, but…"

"Baby, I'm in no rush to see you moving out," she says firmly. One of her hands loses itself in my hair, I close my eyes and lean into the touch.

We broke up two weeks ago, yet we're still living with each other, sleeping in each other's arms, hugging each other most of the time, exchanging those little display of affection like we've always did. And sometimes we even share a chaste peck on the lips. Nothing made of passion, just a quiet love. As if her and I were doing everything not to forget, that though it has changed, love remains between us.

We're breaking up slowly, waiting to feel ready to be truly apart. For now I still need to be close to her, physically close. Get your brain out of the gutter, when I say physically I'm only talking about affection, we're not having sex anymore, let me make that clear. But the need I have for her is vivid, I know I'm not ready yet to live on my own, sleep on my own. I've been addicted to Nancy's closeness for a long time and this addiction is quite powerful, and somewhere I doubt I'll ever completely get rid of it.

Right now we both still need this connection that's why almost nothing changed.

She sighs. "She gave you a hard time didn't she?" she asks out of the blue. I frown a bit not understanding where that came from. "You have the 'I had an argument with Catherine' look," she chuckles.

"She didn't appreciate to learn about us," I state.

"Well after two weeks of silence, that was to be expected."

"Yeah, doesn't make it any less bothersome."

"I'm in no rush to see you moving out, now if you want to move out sooner, I'll understand."

I turn to her, looking at her for the first time. "I'm good with the situation, I'll go when Martin is done."

She scrutinizes me for a long moment then smiles a bit. I silently take her in my arms again, not letting go of her this time.

xxxxx

"…and what did he say?" I ask Nancy moving around her in the kitchen. We decided to cook together today.

"He said that he didn't understand why we were always trying to look for the deepest meaning of the words. Maybe when Baudelaire wrote that the sky was blue, maybe all he meant was…that the sky was blue," Nancy says with a chuckle.

"Well, poetry is all about perception and feeling," I reply.

"I know...I'm sure I'll find a poem that he'll…" she doesn't get to finish her sentence as the front door is opened violently and slammed shut just as bluntly.

Jeremy comes in the kitchen with anger painted all over his face. He looks at the both of us but doesn't say anything.

"Welcome home," I say sharply, giving him an 'I'm not happy' glare. "Now, you're not supposed to slam the doors in this house, or anywhere else for that matter," I scold him.

"Who are you to tell me what I can and can't do?" he spits with rage. "I don't have to listen to you anymore."

"Excuse me?" I ask him disbelief. It is the first time he has ever talked back to me.

"You heard me…" he says through his teeth. "I. Don't. Have. To. Listen. To. You. Anymore," he spells out.

"Watch your tone young man, you're getting yourself in big trouble," Nancy says firmly with authority.

"I'm going to get in trouble? At least I'm being honest," he answers Nancy before turning back to me "You're a liar! You pretend to still care…pretend to still love Mom…but you're a liar!"

"I do care and I do love your mom, your bother and you…" I start but he doesn't let me finish.

"Oh yeah, then why are you pretending to be her girlfriend?" he spits.

I close my eyes briefly and sigh silently. I know what the problem is now. Nancy and I had decided not to tell the boys about our break up at least not until I definitely move out, it was to avoid any kind of confusion. Now our decision is coming to bite us right in our asses.

"Jeremy…let's sit down and talk about this. You're right, your mother and I have broken up, let's talk about it."

He snorts. "Now you want to talk? Go to hell! Why are you still here anyway?"

"Once again Jeremy watch your tone, this is not a way to talk to either Sara or I. You want to know things fine, let's sit down and talk," Nancy scolds him again.

"No!" he shouts before knocking a chair down "Why don't you just leave?" he asks me.

"I think you better go in your bedroom and come back to me when you're calm enough to actually listen," I tell him calmly.

"No! Get your stuff and get out!...You don't love us….so you shouldn't be here!!" he screams.

"That's it, go to your bedroom in this instant!" Nancy replies angrily.

"No!" he spits before charging on me and pushing me away with force. "GET OUT!"

Nancy grabs him by the elbow and pull him backwards "And what do you think you're doing?!!" she says.

Jeremy yanks his arms from her grip and look at her with rage, "You're just as bad as her," and before she can react he runs to me again and start to slap hard at my chest with his balled fists.

I take me ten seconds but I grab his wrists and struggle not to let him hit me again. "You do not raise your hands on me!" I scold him angrily.

"You can't tell me what to do! You're not my mother!" he says hitting me again when he escapes my grip.

I catch his wrist again and hold them tight. He just keeps on debating himself and starts to kick me hard in the shins. I tighten my hold on his wrists and pull him close to me, I'm staring at him with a death glare "Stop it! You hear me? Stop it!" I shout, shaking him a little.

Nancy pulls me by my shoulders "Sara let him go!" she screams, pulling at me with all her strength. I release my hold in the instant. She faces me with all her anger, I've never seen her like this before. "Don't you dare touching him like that!" she tells me harshly. She turns to Jeremy "As for you young man, you're going straight to your bedroom or so help me I'll give you a slap you'll never forget," Jeremy is about to protest but she doesn't give him this opportunity. "Do as you're told, NOW!"

He glares at me, panting from our struggle and then he bolts out of the kitchen, he goes in our bedroom "I hate you all!" he screams before slamming the door shut behind him.

Nancy passes her hands through her hair and turn to me. "Sara…how could you?" though her voice is steady and calm her rage remains in her eyes.

"What?" I ask her. "What was I supposed to do? Let him believe it's okay to hit me?" I spit. "He was out of control! I didn't hit him, I just defended myself!"

"You were hurting him!"

"He was hitting me Nancy!"

"He's our so…he is MY son!"

"Thanks for the reminder," I reply bitterly. "Well, your son was attacking me."

"You're an adult and he's only a little boy."

"He's a teenager!"

"He is a child!" she says through her teeth.

"He's 14! And he was hitting me with blunt force Nancy!"

"With his hands….with his hands Sara," she says.

"With his fists and his feet!" I correct her. "If I hadn't done anything he would have thought it's okay to do such a thing. We have a policy remember? No violence. Or has my word become void of any meaning all the sudden?"

She snorts "Oh so you resort to violence to fight violence, bravo."

"I was stopping him!! What was I supposed to do?!"

"You were supposed to keep your hands off my kid," she says stabbing my chest with her finger.

"You make it sound like I had molested him," I reply in disbelief, offended that she could think of me as someone capable to do such a thing. "I would never hurt him or Allan, you know me. Nancy, I had to do something didn't I?"

"Fine Sara you had to do something," she acquiesces in a way that says 'if that's what you need to hear, then here you go'.

"No, no, no don't do this. Don't make me become the bad guy in this situation," I protest. "Our son just attacked me and I'm wrong for letting him know that it's not a right thing to do?" I snort. "That's freaking brilliant."

"You made yourself being the bad guy on your own," she says flatly.

"This is not how we raised him!"

She laughs humourlessly. "I don't remember you being here for the first 12 years."

I close my eyes at the barb, taking the blow silently. "You know what I meant Nancy."

"Yeah, I know exactly what you mean Sara…this is my child…and I'll always come first no matter what…" she starts but I cut her off.

"You made me become an official member of this family and as such I treat them as mine, but you're right they are not **my** sons. He was wrong and I couldn't let him go on treating me like that."

"I am **not** justifying his actions," she says firmly. "He was wrong, but so were you," she says calmly but I still can see a quiet anger dancing in her eyes.

I sigh. "I was. I'm sorry," she turns her back to me. "Nance?" I call her gently. Now that my anger has worn off I do realize that I was more aggressive than I should have been, that I almost raised my hand on Jeremy. I'm ashamed of myself. "I'm sorry for what I did and it will never happen again," I tell her firmly. "I guess waiting for me to move out before telling them wasn't a good idea," I add with a sigh.

"No….it wasn't…maybe…maybe we shouldn't put this off any longer."

"Nancy," I call her as I put my hands on her shoulders.

"I can't have my children acting like this and," she turns to me "I've been lying to them, I don't like that."

"You think I enjoyed lying to them?" I ask frowning. "Just let me talk to him."

"At some point you're going to be gone Sara….and I'm the one who will always live here, dealing with them…with…" she keeps talking as if she hadn't heard me.

I don't like the sound of that. "I'm not going anywhere," I state firmly. "Just because I'm going to move back in my apartment doesn't mean that I'm turning my back on this. You're the one saying we're a family, **we** made sure this would be official, I'm not going to give up or leave, I'm not going to turn my back on any of you…unless you want to change your mind about it all," I say through my teeth.

I don't think I've ever mentioned it but after a long thinking Nancy and I decided to make this family official, not only to our eyes, but to the eyes of the world. So I now have legal rights over the boys, I am officially their second parent. We have thought about this for a long while, I mean it's not a decision you can take lightly. I was certain that I had found my family and that no matter what would happen I'll always be there for my family, and that Nancy could count on me to raise the boys and guide them through life.

"I don't know Sara…that's all," in all the time I've known Nancy I've never seen her so lost or unsure of something. "Everything is just so different from what we had planned on…"

"I know…it's not like we had planned to break up, is it?" I take her in my arms. "We'll get through this…just let me talk to him and you should…talk to Allan."

She pulls away from me. "I'll talk to both of them," she says as if I just had insulted her. "I think you…" she bites her bottom lip.

"You think I what?"

"You should start packing," she finishes not even looking at me.

I look at her stunned to say the least. I can feel myself growing pale as I feel like I had just received the nastiest punch in my guts. I just can't breathe anymore.

She looks at me then avoids me gaze again "I love you Sara, I do, I swear, I love you more than I thought I could love anyone…" I can't believe she's giving me that speech. It's just too much to take, I swallow the pain and use my anger as a shield.

"Yeah, whatever,' I snort.

"But…my children come first….they always do…"

"You know what? It's okay, I'm going," I spit before turning around. I don't think I'd be anymore hurt if she had put a hot iron on my bare heart. "Where's my jacket," I mutter to myself. I turn my back on her and look for my jacket. I come back facing Nancy once I have my jacket on. "You tell me we're a family, you tell me to get involved, we decide for me to be officially their second parent and now you're forcing me away from this family. I know they come first, don't think it's only true for you, they come first for me as well, and I really wish you could see that. I…" I trail off. "I'm going back to my place, I'll call to get my stuff back."

She walks down the hall and face the door of our bedr… her bedroom. She turns to look at me again. "Don't make this any harder than it is," she pleads.

"Oh I'm the one making this harder?" I shake my head "What happen to 'I want you as their second parent' speech? Uh? Tell me. Or what? Now it's nothing more but a signature on some piece of paper, is that it?"

She has a hand on the doorknob and the palm of the other against the door. "I'm not saying never….just…give it some time…please…for their sake…"

"Let me be here to deal with this with them. We're supposed to face each problem as a family, yet you're treating me like I was an outsider. I want everything to be fine, I want them to understand. Jeremy is mad at me, fine then I want to talk to him so he can deal with me," I plead my case.

"I really don't think that's a good idea," she replies.

"If you make me go now, he'll hate me for the rest of his days, this is not the solution either. At the very least give me a chance Nance, let me assume my part in this family."

"I…don't want you talking to him alone."

"I will never get physical on him," I say offended she even thought about it. "You really think I'd hurt him?"

"I know that you'd never do that on purpose…"

I close my eyes and sigh. After what just happen I can understand her fears, but I'm better than that and she knows it. "Fine…I won't talk to him alone, but let me talk to him, don't force me to go, this will only make things worse."

She sighs and then lets go of the doorknob to walk back to me. "What do you suggest? That we go there together and deal with him?" she asks. "Because he feels betrayed right now, the two people he's supposed to be able to trust the most just let him down."

"Well we could either wait for him to calm down and come back to us to talk, but I'm not fan of this solution. Or we could go in there and try to talk to him."

"I don't know," she says pensively.

"Or we could have a family reunion like we always do, that way we'll talk to Allan at the same time."

"No," she shakes her head "We're not talking to them together."

"Fine…then let's deal with Jeremy," I ask her as I shed my jacket. "We go in there and try to talk, if he's not ready then we'll give him time, but at least let's try."

She shakes her head again. "I'm not sold on this idea, Sara."

"Then please trust me and let me talk to him…alone," I renew my request. "Nancy…you need to trust me, if you don't it will never work out. Please trust me and let me face him alone."

"Go ahead," she says without hesitation this time.

I kiss her forehead quickly "Thank you," I tell her before going in the corridor

I knock on the door of our bedroom and wait a bit, but just like expected I don't receive any invitation in. I open the door slowly and step in before closing the door behind me. Jeremy is sitting on the bed with his knees to his chest, he's looking right in front of him, not acknowledging me.

"You're right to be mad at me," I break the silence. He doesn't move, nor speak. "Your mother and I should have told you what was going on, we should have been the first to let you know and I'm sorry you learned it another way. We had planned to tell you once I was moving out…"

"So you thought about it enough to have a plan?"

I wince a bit as my words have been misunderstood. "It's not like that. What I meant was that your mother and I thought it would be better to tell you once I was moving out.'

"Lindsey said she heard aunt Catherine talking about it…Lindsey knew and we didn't…" he crosses his arms on his chest. "You could have told me, I'm not a kid. You and mom both say to **never** lie, yet you just did."

"You're right, we made a mistake, we didn't want you to be confused about the situation but now….thinking about it, it's a stupid reason…I suppose we weren't ready that's all."

"Like I said, I'm not a kid, I wouldn't have been confused," he says firmly. "When?"

I decide to cross the distance between us and to sit next to him, he doesn't protests and I'm grateful for that.

I'm a bit taken aback by his question, not really understanding at first what he means. I gap like a fish for ten second before realization hits me. "Two weeks and a half now, your mom and I broke up two weeks and a half ago."

"Why didn't you just leave?"

"I couldn't," I answer honestly. "See…things are complicated. We did break up, but we also need to be close to one another."

"Grown ups," he shakes his head and rolls his eyes.

"You'll learn with time that things aren't always either white or black, there are tons and tons of shades of grey."

He turns to me and frowns "What happens now?"

"I'm going to be here for a while, then I go back to my apartment, but apart from this, nothing changes. We were, are and will stay a family."

"Okay," he just answers.

I sigh "I love your mother, and I love your brother and you."

"I'm not stupid you know, once you leave, we'll never see you again, so you don't have to lie and pretend that nothing changes."

"I'm not lying, we are a family and unless you don't want to see me again, nothing will change."

He looks away and stays silent. After a minute or two I decide that maybe he needs time on his own so I start to stand up.

"Sara?"

"Yeah?" I turn to him again.

"I…I'm sorry about the thing that happened…in the kitchen…" he says with shame.

"I know, I'm sorry too," I tell him honestly. "Listen…I don't mind you being angry, I do understand your anger…"

"I don't think you do," he cuts me. "I think I want to be alone right now."

"Okay, I'll leave you alone…just' know that when you're ready to talk I'll be there, whenever you want… I'll always be there for you, your brother and your mom…we're a family," I tell him once last time before going out of the room. On my way out I hear him muttering 'not anymore', it hurts but I don't turn back, respecting his wish to be alone.

I go back to the living room where Nancy is anxiously waiting for me. As soon as she sees me, she stands from the couch. "How did it go?"

"Smoothly. He understands the situation, yet let's be honest, I think it'll take a lot of time before he trusts me again. I think a rough road lies ahead, but we'll get through this, eventually."

She kisses my cheek then takes me in her arms. I hold her back, taking the comfort she's offering silently.

xxxxx

"What are you doing here?"

I lift my head up and see a rather angry Catherine. I came to her place to apologize for my earlier behaviour, I was on her stairs waiting for her to come out eventually, but by her a look I'd say that maybe it wasn't a good idea to come.

"I wanted to talk to you," I tell her. "I wanted to…apologize I guess…for my behaviour earlier. I shouldn't have talked to you the way I did, but I felt like you were stepping over a line. I would have come to you, once I was ready, and…"

"I couldn't care less….It doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore," she says hastily. She looks at her house then at me again. "Listen, we tried several times and obviously friendship isn't working as far as we are concerned. I'm tired and I honestly don't have the energy to keep on like this, even less since it's useless."

I look at her intently, trying to understand what she's trying to tell me. I try to speak, to protest, but all I seem to be able to do right now is mimic the fish out of water.

"Let's give up okay? I don't want to be your friend, I can't be your friend since obviously you don't trust me, and with what you did to my sister…I …I need to move on…and you keep holding me back…and…I can't let you …I need to live my life and you can't be in it…"

"What are you talking about?" I ask with a frown, truly not understanding what she's saying.

"I can't have you in my life…if I want to move on…and…I can't, I just…. Can't…." she shakes her head, closing her eyes briefly. "I don't want you to ever come back here, from now on our relationship will be strictly professional. Leave me alone Sara, let me be. Look Cameron is waiting for me….just… Don't come back here, ever. It's over and this time it's for good," she says firmly, she doesn't even wait for me to answer before passing me by and returning in her house.

I think her words had the effect of a bullet straight in my brain. I'm numb, I feel so many things at the same time that it makes me numb. Anger, because once again we're playing by her rules, and I have to suffer her decisions and she doesn't even let me have my say in all this. She acts like she was the only one concerned here, by the time I register all the new information she's gone, and I'm left here speechless. Pain because now I'm apparently one friend short. I feel tears damping my cheek, but they don't have the only taste of pain, they taste like bitterness and rage as well. She shall get what she's asking.

I laugh bitterly. "Your wish is my command, your highness" I seethe in the air of the night. I go back to my car and drive away.

xxxxx

"Can you go find Jeremy, it's the fourth time I've called everybody, the lunch is going to get cold," Nancy asks me as we're setting the table with Allan.

"Sure," I smile at her and leave them both in the kitchen. I go in the backyard and find Jeremy on the stairs, looking at the distance, obviously zoning out in his thoughts.

I sit next to him, bit he doesn't seem to notice my presence. "Lunch is ready," I announce softly. He turns to me a bit surprised to see me there. "You mom already called you four times," I add.

"Oh," he says flatly. "Sorry," he turns his attention to the distance again.

Things are somewhat back to normal. It's been almost two months now that Nancy and I have broken up, things have been a bit rough once Jeremy found out, and though Allan's reaction to the news wasn't as violent as his brother's he didn't take it well either. They barely spoke to me for two weeks. Now, we could say that our relationship is back on good terms, but something is broken, and I know that they have lost their trust in me, so I still have to work hard in order to get it back.

"So you're moving out for good?" he asks though he already knows the answer.

"Yeah, in three days now," I confirm.

"That sucks…I mean it's not cool," he corrects himself.

"It's not indeed," I sigh.

I look at him and he seems in deep concentration. He's frowning, like he was trying to solve a particularly hard problem, but couldn't see the solution.

"I've been thinking a lot and…there's something I still don't understand," he says before turning to me. "If you love Mom, and you love Allan and me, then…why? Why are you leaving? Why did you break up? I mean…it doesn't make any sense, does it?" he asks confused.

I sigh deeply and think about his question. "How can I explain?..." I take a deep breath. "There are different shapes of love. The way you love your mother is different from the way you love your brother, which is different from the way you love the rest of the family, which is different from the way you like your friends, and…the girls. The love between your mother and I…"

"…was the love with a capital 'L', yeah I got that part," he continues for me and I can't help but chuckling.

"That's right. This kind of love is like…a big fire, red, powerful, intense, majestic, flamboyant, radiating with warmth and so much more than words can ever say…" I pause. "You have to keep this fire alive, to make it grow a little more everyday, to make it more intense and powerful, no matter what happens, you have to keep it alive," I stop and look at him to see if he's still following me.

"Go on," he simply says.

"You have to feed this fire, and in this case the wood is made of feelings and all those little things lovers can share, all those ways they use to display this love," I sigh. "Your mother and I…just ran out of wood I guess," I frown at my own metaphor. "We used everything to our last tiny twig. Now the fire is still there but it burns differently, it's quieter, calmer…different. The love is still there, it's only different."

"So basically what you're trying to tell me is that you love her, but you're not in love with her anymore," he sums up my point in simple words.

I laugh a bit embarrassed, I can't believe he let me struggle when he knew what I was saying from the beginning. "Yeah, that's exactly my point."

"I told you I wasn't a kid. You don't need to beat around the bush."

"Yeah, and I'll keep that in mind for the future," I chuckle.

We stay silent for a moment. "Nothing changes…right?' he asks with an uncertain voice. "I mean, you're not going to forget us once you get back to your place…right?"

I don't think I truly realized, until now, how insecure he was about my departure and the consequence it will have on our life as a family. "Of course not. Nothing will change, well some things will, your mom and I won't sleep in the same bed, we won't…"

"Have sex anymore?" he cuts me, he's trying to keep a straight face but there's a subtle smile playing on his lips. "Sorry, I meant, make love," he adds.

I'm brain dead, I don't suppose you ever expect kids to talk to you about this particular subject. Now his words took me aback to say the least. I gape at him trying to come over my surprise.

"We might be young we're not that naïve you know, we're way beyond the birds and bees story," he chuckles. I'm still mute and keep on looking at him. "Oh come on, don't tell me you never wonder why sometimes the TV or the music were louder than they should be," he states.

I open my mouth wide before pursing my lips. I feel blood rushing to my cheek. I hide myself in my hands for some seconds. "Please don't ever mention this to your mother, she'd be mortified."

He just laughs a bit. I look at him again and he laughs at me more openly and I can't help but joining him.

He stops suddenly and sighs heavily. "Don't let us down okay?" there's insecurity and fear in his eyes.

I put my arm over his shoulder and bring him to me, so I can hold him tight in a warm, loving hug. "I couldn't do it even if I wanted to. I love you way too much for this. You hear me? I love you big guy," I say firmly and honestly. He nods against me. "I love you," I repeat before kissing his hair. "Nothing changes, even if your mom and I aren't 'together', we are a family."

We stay silently in our position for a long moment. The door opens behind us and we both turn around only to see Nancy looking at us with an exasperate look, she sighs with a smile "Have you lost the way to the kitchen?" she asks.

I smile sheepishly, that's right, I forgot that I originally had a mission.

"Go, wash your hands and then head to the kitchen pronto, I'm starving, and Allan is almost ready to eat his plate," she adds. Jeremy and I both chuckle and stand up. I ruffle his hair in an affectionate gesture as we go back inside.

There's still a lot to do before putting everything back on track, but I won't let my family down and I'll make sure we get through this.

xxxxx

"…no lead, no new crime scene…timeline….are you even listening to me?"

"Sara!"

I snap out of my daze and focus on where I am again. I look at Catherine with a little frown, realizing that she's been talking about our case, but that I only got a few words out of it.

"You didn't listen, did you?" she states more than she asks.

I wince slightly, she's pissed off to say the least. "No, sorry, I wasn't paying any attention to whatever you were saying," I answer honestly.

Ever since she sent me packing two months ago, I've respected her wish to have only a professional relationship with me. So we barely speak, only when it's necessary, no more, no less. We still work together, but even that is a bit difficult sometimes.

I've been back in my apartment for a week now and I haven't slept since. I mean I feel like an intruder, then I the sheets and pillows don't have the right smell – Nancy's smell., I'm cold on my own and I don't know…I'm not at ease in my own bed. I know what's missing: Nancy, but it's a part of the process of learning to live apart from one another again. I guess sleeping apart is the hardest part.

Anyway, the point being that I haven't slept since I moved back in, and I'm having a hard time to keep up with work since I tend to zone out every time we're out on the field.

"Damn it Sidle! You're tiring me!" she spits. Oh yeah, we're back on this good old first name base, not that I ware anymore, after all we're not friends.

"Look I'm sorry, I zoned out, it happens no need to blow a fuse over it," I tell her calmly.

She starts to get even angrier than a second ago. And here we go again for a bitching session. Since she decided to stop our friendship she has started to completely ignore me at first and now it's been a week that she bitches at me at least once a day. Thing is, I'm way too tired and I have too much on my hind to bear with her, so I let her do her little monologue, letting her get it all out of her system, then I move on. I tend to block her words. Like right now, I see her lips moving but I don't hear any words, as if my body had created an invisible shield against her bitchiness.

I'm getting obsessed by the fire in her eyes when she's angry, there's so much passion pouring from her eyes – which take a deep shade of blue whenever she's angry, that I'm hypnotized. Her face shows many emotions too, and I come to notice little details like how she narrows her eyes when she stresses a word, or how she licks her lips when she finishes a sentence…

I'm fascinated by the movement of her body, by the heat radiating from it, by all this subtle gestures you only notice when you take your time to study her.

I never let my contemplation of her lasting too much time though because I find some unrequited desires surfacing when I do. And I can't afford that. I shake myself out of my hypnotised state and look at her more focused.

"Are you done?" I ask her as she has tilted her head, sign that she's either waiting for an answer or just a reaction in a general rule.

"I can't believe you…" she says with an exasperating tone. "Why the hell do I bother?" she asks rhetorically. She sighs. "Shit I'm out of here," she says before storming out of the lab we were working in.

xxxxx

I hate being in my apartment at the end of the day, because it feels like an unknown territory. I don't feel at ease there and I don't know what to do with myself. I have to reset all my old routines, I have to find out how to do the things I used to do here before. Lucky me, I'm seldom here for long, I have to take care of the boys and all, but still there are still at least five long hours that I spend in this place . I should be sleeping but I can't so I'm pacing around, I'm cleaning over and over again, I order things…

I'd kill to fall asleep though. I'm used to insomnia but not at this rate. I mean before being with Nancy I would at least sleep two or three hours at the most when I had an insomnia crisis. But now, I just can't, I can't sleep in my bed, I can't sleep on my couch….it feels odd. And when out of luck I actually manage to have a nap, it barely lasts an hour and I never feel rested.

I'm in hell.

I'm reading on my couch when I hear a knock on my door. I stand and go to the door. I look in the peephole and a heartbeat later my door is wide open. "Nance?" I'm surprised to see her there since I left her barely an hour ago. I put myself aside so she can come in. I close the door and lead her in the living room. She looks a bit disoriented. A knot is forming itself on my stomach with apprehension, "Babe is everything okay?" I ask her.

She looks at me like she was on verge of tears.

"The boys are alright?" I ask her and she just nods.

"We're Thursday," she simply answers. Right, every Thursday, they go at Lilly's.

I step closer to Nancy still a bit worried about her. "Please say something, you're scaring me."

"I…I need to sleep," she says in a desperate tone. "I really need to sleep… I can't take it anymore, if I don't sleep soon I'm going to go crazy…" she rambles. "I need to sleep even if it's for two little hours, I just need…to sleep," she finishes before looking at me pleadingly. "Can we…." She trails off.

I breathe out in relief and take her in my arms. I kiss her cheek before leading her to my bedroom. We lie on the cover and on their own accord our bodies entangle themselves. I breathe deep as her scent invades my room and my nostrils.

It's only minutes before I fall asleep.

Home sweet home.

xxxxx

It takes Nancy and I two more weeks but we finally make a schedule to be able to sleep together. I guess we weren't that ready to sleep apart. But we're trying to keep our nap together to a minimum, I mean we do have to sleep completely separately at a point or another. We only take naps, we don't spend an entire night of sleep together, because after that we'd make a habit of it. Anyway, sleep slowly comes back to me and I'm grateful for this.

Life with the boys is also slowly falling into a healthy and regular pattern. I think their greatest fear was that I'd slowly let them down, but now they slowly understand that I won't ever leave them. So our relationship is evolving for the best, slowly but surely. They sleep over at my place sometimes during the week end. In short Nancy and I are leaving like a divorced couple minus the animosity.

There's still a lot to do, but everyday we're making progress.

xxxxx

I stand up and walk to the door as someone knock on my door. I look at my watch and frown, I'm pretty sure I'm not waiting for Nancy, so I wonder who that could be.

I look at the peephole. Freaking fabulous.

Catherine.

I open the door and look at her already exasperate at her presence. The only negative point of those last three and a half months is Catherine. Our relationship has been decaying a little more everyday. I arrive to a point where I don't really care. We're not friends, we're not even good colleagues. I mean we don't talk to each other unless it's really necessary. Most of the time though I don't exist to her eyes.

Seems like we are over for good. I have to give her that, this time she stuck to that one good this time.

I had a hard time at first because it really hurt when she rejected me, but now I just try not to think about it. I have a family and friends to focus on.

I needed time away from her after breaking up with Nancy, since she's the one who triggered emotions which lead me to question my feelings for Nancy. So right after the break up, I put distance between us, just so I could think, and because I was afraid of those disturbed sensation she'd make me feel.

Then she learned that Nancy and I had broken up and we had a weird argument about it, I tried to apologized, but instead of that, I lost my friend.

The problem with Catherine is that she's acting under the influence of her emotions and pride most of the time, and to hell the consequences. Usually I'd go after her, and try to make her see that she overreacted. But this time I decided not to, because I'm always the one working her ass off to make this friendship work…when we had a friendship that is.

Thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that maybe her and I weren't mean to be friends. Not that any of that matter now.

"May I help you?" I ask her flatly. She just pushes her way in not even looking at me. "Well please…make yourself home," I say with sarcasm.

When I close the door and turn around she's pacing back and forth in my living room. "Great," I mutter. This going to take a while, because whenever she paces it means that she has a lot to say but that words are failing her. I sit on a kitchen stool and wait for her to finally realize that I'm still in the room. She goes on pacing for what seems an eternity.

Suddenly she stops in front of me and looks at me. "You..." she starts and trails off. She looks at me intently then go back to her pacing. I sigh…boy this is about to be long.

She stops once again, staring at me. She seems to struggle with her words "How…?" she asks before pacing again.

"Is this a guessing game?" I wonder. "Am I supposed to try to fill the blanks?"

She stops again in front of me, opens her mouth and raises her finger like she was about to make a point, but instead of talking she returns to her pacing. I sigh heavily and grab the book I was reading, taking my reading back where I had left it.

I go over a page and a half before hearing her speaking for the first time. "Three months Sara, almost four. Three months," she says.

I look at her over my book with a questioning look. "You'll have to elaborate," I tell her.

"I should have realized… you wouldn't even notice…that it's been almost four months since we last talked," she says shaking her head in disapproval.

"Yeah, I'm aware of that," I answer flatly. That's the time it has taken her to actually decide to be adult again. "You asked for it, remember? I didn't, you're the one who decided that we were – and I quote – 'over for good'."

"You didn't even try…" she trails off "Every other time you'd try, you'd push…" she keeps on. "You didn't even try…" I'm not sure I understand what she's talking about.

"What?"

She shakes her head in a desperate motion. "You have no idea of what you've done do you?"

"I did everything you wanted me to," I reply.

Anger sets in her eyes and she walks to me furiously, she grabs my book and throws it across the room. "You ruined everything…**everything** Sara," she accuses me. This woman has some nerves.

"You asked me to leave you alone, I left you alone, I don't bother you at work unless I absolutely have to, hell I even go out of my way so we don't cross path when you have to go at Nancy's….what else do you want me to do? Leaving town? Stop breathing maybe?" I spit. "If someone ruined something here it's you. You called things off."

"You ruined everything for me," she repeats. "I was dating, I was content... I was…"

"You throw me out of your life, how could I ruined it?" I asked her confused.

"Like I wanted to do that…you act like I had the choice Sara…"

"You did have the choice, nobody forced you to do anything," I reply bitterly. I don't remember having my gun against her head when she blew me off for good.

"You ruined our friendship Sara," she blames me.

"Excuse me?" I ask in disbelief.

"You didn't fight for it…" she says vehemently. "You didn't even try, you never listened to me before when I'd call things off….why did you this time?"

"What is this? A game? You get your kick out of pushing me away, hurting me then waiting to see how far I'd crawl to fix things up?" I ask her angrily.

"You should have understood why I did what I did, you shouldn't have given up to easily…"

"Well sorry I don't know why you did that, so you might want to enlighten me," I spit bitterly.

"I was trying to be with Cameron and you…"

"What does she has to do with anything?"

"You've always been so selfish….you were so focused on Nancy you never saw that someone….that there was a world around you…" she starts to ramble. "I'm with Cameron damn it…I… it's like you hadn't noticed her…"

I'm getting tired by this conversation, I don't know what the hell she's talking about. And I can't stand her reproaches when she's the one responsible for the actual situation. "Why should I care about who you choose to fuck?" I ask her exasperate.

"This isn't about us…" she mumbles the end of her sentence.

"What was that?"

"My sex live is none of your business and it's not what I came here to talk about," she says firmly.

"Like I cared if she fucks your brain out everyday," I reply flatly.

"Stop it," she warns me.

"What?"

"Stop talking about that," she says.

"Talking about what? Sex?" I chuckle. "You've never been so coy before.'

"We never talked about your sex life with Nancy, so keep mine….or my lack of…out ok?" she says quickly.

"Nancy and I had a good sex life," I tell her with a smile.

"Well good for you, keep it for yourself I'm not interested by it."

"You're the one bringing the subject on the table," I answer. I laugh softly "Is that the problem Cath? Your girlfriend can make you get your kick in bed?" I ask sweetly as I catch up with her earlier words.

"Must you be so crude? Just leave my sex life out of this," she scolds me.

"Well you're the one who just said you didn't have any," I state.

"Fuck Sara, this isn't the point!"

"I'm sorry you bet on the wrong horse…what can I do? Do you want me to give her advices?"

"What?" she frowns "NO! She doesn't need advices she's doing good on her own!" she replies, not realising that she's giving me the stick to beat her.

"Oh so she touches herself instead of touching you? Is that it?"

"Quit twisting my words!"

"Look, I'm not 'Dr. Love' or anything so I can't help you with your non existent sex life….now if you would excuse me I was busy," I laugh humourlessly.

"You ruined everything...you complicated everything…any and everything…complicated…by you," she says agitatedly.

"How did I make things complicated? You told me to leave you alone, I did."

"You weren't supposed to…you were supposed to fight…you always fight….why didn't you?"

I sigh "I'm tired of this little power trip of yours, every now and then you blow your fuse…" I trail off. "You asked for space, I gave you what you wanted…"

"It's what I needed…not what I wanted…"

"Listen I'm tired of this, this conversation is pointless. Just leave okay?"

"Once again…you're willing to kicking me out….to toss me aside…"

"This conversation is over," I tell her. I grab her gently by her elbow and start to lead her to the door.

She struggles "Why not talking to me Sara? It's not like you didn't have time in your hands…now that you don't have a little wife and kids to think about or look after either," she spits.

I let go of her elbow and face her, she just crossed a line there. "Fuck you okay? You don't know anything about my life!" I tell her angrily. "Now go back home to your girlfriend, teaching her about sex…with all your experience it shouldn't be that hard for you…"

She grabs my wrist and twists it. "Why is that you always resort to reminding me of my past?" she asks? I can see hurt in her eyes but also burning anger.

This conversation is getting way out of hands I know it, I should stop talking or apologize, I know I should, yet there's this part of me who's asking for more, who wants to push this further. I have this like sparkle of fire in the pit of my stomach, anger is fuelling my veins and a part of me is enjoying this. This is officially sick.

"Is that what you think of me Sara? That I'm a whore? Just a girl to be fucked and tossed aside?" she asks with watering eyes." Go ahead and say it, since it's burning your lips, stop beating around the bush!"

"You are crazy. You are a crazy bitch, without the shadow of a doubt, but you're not a slut," I tell her bitterly just for the sake of taking a piss at her. "There you go, now let me go and get out of here," I say not leaving her eyes.

"A crazy bitch…" she repeats in a breath she lets go of my hand. Once again she covers her hurt by her anger. "If I'm a crazy bitch, you're a stupid bitch."

"Leave Catherine," I tell her in a low tone. I grab her elbow with force and drag her to the door.

"After all you gave up on out friendship…you gave up on Nancy…but that's just a habit you have….probably learned it from your mommy dearest," she rambles. "Did mommy give up on you too?" she says with a little voice. The last remark makes me snap I shove her against the wall.

"Shut up! Shut the fuck up!" I scream.

"Wow….that Harvard education is really coming out now," she chuckles dryly.

I'm panting with rage. "Bitch. That's what you are. Always fucking with everybody, and especially me."

Before I know it she slaps me hard. I push her hand against the wall and we engage a stare contest.

I feel a fire in the pit of my stomach, a confusion of feeling burning in me.

Suddenly my head is spinning and my lips are burning. My whole body is set on fire, electricity running under my skin. I feel like falling at full speed.

It takes me some seconds before realizing that I'm kissing Catherine. I don't know who initiate this….

One of my hand his behind her head keeping her prisoner of my lips, and the other is on her waist, pulling her to me, I feel her pulling me to her, clinging onto me like she'd fall if she was to let go. We stumble against the wall. Kissing fiercely, duelling with our tongue.

She pushes me away violently. And once again her hand collides violently against my cheek. I guess I'm the one who did this then.

She looks at me in disbelief, then anger, then fury. She pushes me away again and bolts out of my apartment.

I look at my door, trying to get my breathing under control again.

What the hell did just happen?

* * *

**Thanks for reading.**


	36. Chapter 36

**Howdy everyone! I know, I know, I took a long time to update, but I had a reason I was focusing on Trust is a two way street (I did not one but two updates and it takes time)...anyway I'm back with more and I'll try not to make you wait too long before the next update. Thank you all so much for your reviews :)...Ok so you don't like the slapping...my opinion is the first one was out of line, the second slap was well deserved...but that's just me...anyway**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: **scuby**, if it wasn't for our arguments... thank you for everything ;)**

Titpom1,** je t'ai reçue 5 sur 5 ne t'en fais pas, et ça me touche beaucoup ;)**

Immi,** I feel bad for exhauting you ;)**

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**Chapter 36: Catherine**

Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod…

I'm heaving, my head is spinning, my legs are as hard as jelly, my hands are shaking and I can't understand for the life of me what just happened.

She kissed me.

With no warning, no signs, nothing.

Sara kissed me.

Why the hell did she do that for? Why did she have to do that? Why now?

I'm panicking, I can't breathe and my heart is going to pulverize my chest…

I'm angry, I'm elated, I'm lost, I'm afraid, I'm about to get sick…

I can't believe the nerve of Sara! Why did she have to kiss me?

Damn her!

I feel hot tears damping my cheeks, whether it's from joy or pain I couldn't say, maybe it's both. My whole body hurt, literally burning from inside, I feel like I had high fever.

I need to get out of here.

I start to walk, but my body is a traitor and I find myself going back to Sara's door, which I left ajar, no, no, no…

Please don't do this to me…don't betray me, not now, I beg my body but nothing seems to work. My body is working against my mind.

My heart is beating vigorously, I feel like I had never felt it beat before. Each beat is more painful, because it's new reminder of how dead I've been for those last months.

I'm trying to breathe deep, to stop that ache in my chest, to stop the electricity making my skin sting. I'm fighting with all my reason not to get back in, not to give in temptation. But it's a lost battle, my heart and my body are much too strong for my weak reason.

I push the door open and come in closing the door at the same time. Sara's at the same spot where I left her a minute ago. As soon as she hears the muffled sound of the door closing itself she lifts her head in my direction with a mix of confusion and shame, I'm next to her in a heartbeat.

"Cath, I'm sor…" she starts but I don't let her finish her sentence as my lips crash on hers in a bruising kiss.

I hear her in take of breath at the contact. One of her hands snakes around my waste pulling me closer to her while her other goes to my neck. Both my hands are cupping her face, the one of them goes in the jungle of her hair. My heartbeat has reached the speed of light, I feel like flying, I'm feeling…I'm alive.

The kiss is burning hot, filled with urgency, need, a kind of desperation, as if oxygen was coming from the other's mouth. It tastes like fire and tears.

Lack of oxygen starts to burn my lungs so I pull back a little but don't completely break the contact, peppering her lips with little kisses. Then I take her bottom lips in mine and suck it gently before meeting her tongue in a slower, and more sensual dance with mine. She's pulling me even closer, completely moulding my body with hers.

It feels so good, it's intoxicating.

I'm alive.

I had forgotten what it was like to have all your senses in overload, this tingling feeling under your skin, the fire in the pit of your stomach, a real heartbeat…

One of my hands travels down to her side, lightly tracing her curves before settling on her hip. I want to touch her, I'm yearning to touch her, so much it aches.

I clutch my fist on her shirt. I take a little step forward making her take a step back. We manage to find a way to provide ourselves oxygen never breaking the kiss.

She starts to massage the back of my neck delicately, caressing the soft spot behind my ear, making me weak on my knees. The thumb of the hand that is on my hip starts to trace circles on my shirt, but her touch is burning the fabric of my clothes.

I want more, I need more.

She pulls back a bit "Cath…" she breathes out.

But it's like our mouths were two magnets drawn toward one another and we are kissing again. I can feel her heart thundering in her chest and resonating against mine. I take another step forward, then my hand sneaks under her top brushing her skin.

I hear her moan in response to my touch. "Cath…" she breathes again. "We can't…" she starts but whatever her conscious and reasonable mind is trying to tell isn't in harmony with her body.

I'm losing myself in her arms. I feel so alive.

This is wrong. My mind is screaming me that this is wrong, and it is, but my heart is alive again and much stronger than anything else.

I have to stop. I can't stop…

One more step and I'm a goner, one more step and…

Sara must come to the same realisation than me because she takes a step forward, making me take a step back. The hand I have on her skin starts to explore the new territory, wandering on the small of her back. My fingertips stand a bit applying some pressure on her flesh, then I put the flat of my palm against her skin running upward.

She breaks the contact of our mouths resting her forehead against mine, panting, shaking…

"I…" I try to speak but words fail me. I want her, I love her, I want to make love to her, I want to tell her that much but somehow those words can't pass the barrier of my lips. "Tell me…" I ask her. My tears are falling again and I can feel a heartbreaking pain burning my chest as I speak. "Tell me…to leave….tell me…" I almost beg her.

All the fibbers and cells of my being, my heart, my body and my soul want to stay. The little clear mind I still got left knows I should go. Besides I don't want anything to happen like this, not when she's not mine and not when I can't be completely hers. I know that maybe nothing will ever happen in the future, I know that maybe this is my only chance to get what I want, but…this is wrong. The hardest part being that it feels right.

I kiss her deeply once more pouring all my love her in the kiss since I can't express it with words. And I should stop kissing her, I should because I won't get out of here if I keep on.

I force myself to pull back, feeling the loss as if someone had taken one of my limp away. "Please…tell me…tell me…to leave…" I beg her, crying hard. I can control my body but not my emotions and I know I won't be able to leave unless I hear it from her.

I feel her frowning against my forehead. Apparently she seems to have a hard time making a decision too. Her lips are shaking and I see her struggling with her own mind and emotions. Slowly she guides my hand out from under her top. Her movement is hesitant. She takes a step back effectively putting an inch between our two bodies and I feel myself dying a little instantly.

"Leave…" she says in a whisper not looking at me.

The word hurts me like a hot dagger plunged in my heart. I know I asked for it but it doesn't make it any easier.

I start to turn and leave. I'm one step away from her door when she grabs me by the wrist and makes me turn again, before I can say anything or react she has me pinned against the wall and she's kissing me passionately, desperately. A flame literally burns my heart as I cling to her not to fall.

Then as abruptly as it came the kiss ends. She tears herself away from me, leaning against the opposite wall, her eyes tightly shut. "Go…Go now please before…just go," she says firmly through her teeth.

In a second of clarity and heroic gesture I manage to bolt out of her apartment. I almost run till I reach my car, never looking back. Once I'm locked in my car I start to drive but pull over a few meters later. I start to cry myself out, the ache in my heart being more unbearable than it already was.

Fuck.

xxxxx

I compose myself again as I park in my driveway. I check myself in the rear view mirror and no exterior signs give me away. I know I won't be able to sustain the illusion long though. I get out of the car breathing deeply, trying to calm myself. I open and close the front door slowly like I was sneaking in my own house.

"We're in the kitchen," I hear her voice calling out, Cameron's voice.

I lean me forehead against the frame of the door and close my eyes tightly. I sigh. This is not the moment to flinch, not now. I take a deep breath and open my eyes again. I lick my lips out of reflex and can find the faint taste of Sara's lips lingering there.

I turn around and try not to run to the bathroom. I make a stop when I reach the island and turn around. I see Cameron next to Lindsey, apparently they're making the cross words in the news paper. "Hey there," I say weakly, both heads turn to me.

"Morning Mom," Lindsey greets me.

"Hey yourself," Cameron says with a sweet smile. "We made breakfast waiting for you," she announces.

I feel sick in my stomach just seeing her there, just feeling her sweetness radiating from her. I should feel elated to be here, coming home to my daughter and Cameron. I should, instead of that I'm happy to come home to my daughter…period.

"I'm going to take a shower and I'll join you in a bit," I say before heading to the bathroom.

I'm halfway through the corridor when I hear her voice again "Cath?"

I close my eyes and sigh.

"Hey, are you okay?" she asks.

I feel her hand on my shoulder and I jerk away. I turn around and her hand is suspended in the air. She's confused at my reaction to say the least. "Sorry," I say and sigh again. "Work left me on the edge and…I need a shower."

"Alright," she replies.

I turn again and start to cross the last distance between me and the bathroom. "Cath?" she calls me again. I stop my motion but don't turn around. "I…I'm here for you, you know."

I close my eyes again, I need to reach the bathroom fast because I can feel the mask slipping away from my face. "I know," I whisper before going in the bathroom.

Once in, I lock myself and shed my clothes. I get in the tub and turn the spray of water. I sit down, knees to my chest and let hot water washing over me, trying in vain to erase Sara from my lips, from my body, from my heart.

I don't feel the water though, no the only thing I feel are the tears damping my cheeks.

Fuck.

xxxxx

I come out of the bathroom not feeling any better, but at least I have some sanity back.

I join Lindsey and Cameron in the kitchen, we have an almost quiet though nice breakfast. Lindsey tells me about her plan for today, she's supposed to go shopping with her friends this afternoon. Until then, Lindsey has her basketball practice, and the time for her to leave come too soon to my taste. I'm really not willing to be left alone with my girlfriend right now.

We hear the horn of a car outside. Lindsey looks at the window and then turns to us. "It's Elie, I got to go," she announces before hugging and kissing me goodbye "Love you Mom," she says.

"Love you babe, and watch your ankle," I warn her.

"Yes, I will," she says before kissing Cameron goodbye "Bye Cameron."

And two seconds after she's out of the house. The moment I dreaded arrives, I'm alone with my girlfriend.

I turn to her and look away. "I'm going to bed," I say flatly.

I stand up and head to my bedroom. I lie on the bed in a foetal position turning my back to the door. I feel cold here, I don't feel, I'm not even sure I got a heartbeat.

I'm dead.

I hear sound in the room and feel a slight depression on the bed, then a pair of arms pulls me backward. I feel sick, this embrace feels wrong. It has always been, only it wasn't important, but now I can feel it and I can't erase the memory of Sara's embrace.

Cameron kisses my shoulder gently. "Hey there," she whispers.

I close my eyes tight, but it doesn't stop tears from falling though. Her touch, her carefulness… not only I don't deserve any of it, but I'm being unfair with her. I shouldn't be there.

Before this morning I could be there and not feeling so depressed, so dead, but now…

I had another taste, a greater taste of what I want, of what Cameron won't ever make me feel, of what I'll never feel in her arms. Now I can't entertain the illusion anymore, I can't pretend.

No Cath! No…

I swore to myself that I'd try, I care about Cameron right? Right? I do, I know I do, I love her, I told her so and…and I felt like I did when she made love to me…

Then why don't I feel anything?

My tears double and Cameron holds me tighter against her in response. "Baby, you're scaring me," she says.

I feel sad and depressed and hurt.

I had managed to block everything for months and now the gate is open again, letting my emotions free and untamed, wild, powerful, pouring onto the open.

Wish that heart would stop bleeding itself dry out of pain, out of love for her, for Sara.

xxxxx

I open my eyes and it feels like I had a jackhammer in my head. I turn around only to realize that I'm alone.

I get out of bed and go to the bathroom to have a shower. I get in the tub and let hot water splattering on my skin, trying vainly to ease the tension in my body.

Memories of yesterday are still fresh in my mind. I don't know what I feel, besides feeling empty that is.

I don't want to think about it, about the possible meaning. I don't want to be rejected again so I'm not going to go and confront Sara about anything. I mean with the luck I got this time she'll say 'Oh I'm sorry I don't want you to have the wrong impression, I just had a lust daze and you were there at the right time, nothing more'. Yeah, that or a lapse of judgment or anything that means rejection. Fool me once shame on me, but fool me twice shame on you, I'm not going to give her another opportunity to hurt me like she did. As a matter of fact it doesn't matter, I'm with Cameron and I lov…I'm with Cameron and I'm good with it.

I have to… I mean I wanted this, and I have to give it a good shot.

I thought I had barricaded my heart, I thought that the walls I had put would never stumble down. Yet one touch of Sara and everything vanished like air.

Now…

All my work is ruined now, now the gate is open again and this time I know I won't be able to get back some control over my feelings again. At least every time Sara and I will be in the same radius.

Why does my life have to be so complicated?

It's not complicated. I make it complicated. I'm not with the one I want? Big freaking deal, the Stones said it right, 'you can't always get what you want…but if you try sometime you find, you get what you need'. Yep, that's the truth.

I need to be with someone who wants to be with me, I need to be with someone who loves me, I need to be with someone I can rely on. Sara's a fantasy, someone I'll never be with, no matter what happened today nothing changes, she stays out of reach. Cameron however is there, with me and she loves me, she's real. I can't let that go.

I'll never get what I want, but I have what I need, so I should focus on that and nothing else.

xxxxx

I get out of the shower after some undetermined time. I go in the living room and to my surprise Cameron isn't there. I look around but she's not anywhere in the house. I start to look for a note but nothing. I try to remember any appointment she'd have told me about and that I would have forgotten but nothing comes in my mind.

Weird.

I grab my phone and call her, I end up on her voicemail "Hey babe, you're not around, well…you didn't leave a note or anything, so I'm a bit worried I hope everything's okay, give me a call when you get this. Bye," I leave a message.

I'm actually worried about Cameron. It's not like her to go around without letting me know where she is or that she'll be back. I suppose I forgot that she had something to do today.

I know that when I came back she was the last person I wanted to see, but now that my sanity is back, I want to be with her and I wish she was there so I could hug her and apologize.

Living with Cameron is fairly easy, she's not confrontational and she's sweet. She always is, she seldom get angry. She's calm, maybe too calm, so sometimes I feel like she wasn't challenging me enough or like we were unbalanced. But fundamentally we're good together.

We're good together.

xxxxx

I'm staring at my phone, as if it could ring just by the power of my will. It's been a little more than three hours now since I woke up and I still don't have any news of Cameron, I left many messages on her a phone and so far she hasn't called back. It's really not like her to go without a word and not to give signs of life.

I'm really worried now.

I grab my phone once more and call her again. "Hey babe, it's me again. I know I'm being really annoying harassing you like I do, but I'm really worried and I wish you'd return just one of my call to tell me what's going on. Please call me back, ok? Bye, love you."

I sigh in frustration.

Fuck.

It's almost time for me to go to work. I'm pissed at Cameron now, she doesn't return my call while she is God knows where, and she was supposed to take care of Lindsey today after picking her up from her basket ball match in twenty minutes. Nancy is not available, my mother either, Warrick's my only backup left on the list, if he can't make it, I'm stuck, bloody brilliant.

I dial Warrick's number hoping that he will be able to make it.

"_Brown"_

"Hey Rick it's me. I'm in a jam right now, I'm on call but there's no one for Lindsey. Well… Cameron was supposed to be there, but I can't reach her and…"

"_Ok no problem, I got it,"_ he simply answers, bless him for always making things easy.

"You're sure?"

"_Sweetie, I'm sure. I'm your backup right? Told you, you need me, just say so and I'm yours. When and where should I meet the princess?"_

I sigh in relief. "You know I love you Rick, right?" I smile.

"_I love you too Cath,"_ he answers chuckling.

I give him the directions and tell him that I'll do my best not to come back late. I give a call to Lindsey explaining her the change of plans, then I get ready to go to work.

I hope Cameron is okay, I really do, because when she comes back home I'll give her a piece of my mind. It's one thing to stand me up or ignore me, but when you engage yourself toward my daughter you stick to it or at the very least you give me a warning. I mean, that's the little engagement I was expecting from her, or from anyone I actually trust with Lindsey.

xxxxx

I go to work pissed as hell and moody, better not play with me today.

After locking me in my office so I could cool off a bit, I decide to go to the break room. As soon as I get in I regret not staying in the confines of my office. Sara's there talking with the boys and my heart plays tricks on me skipping beat then accelerating its rate.

I take a deep breath and shake my head a bit. I must be strong.

I greet everyone and go straight to the coffee pot. I chit chat with Greg, all the while I order myself not to turn around and look at Sara.

And just like always fate decides to laugh at my face pairing me up with her today, aren't I a lucky woman?

We don't talk to each other, no greeting no anything. We just go to the locker room getting ready and then I find myself driving without so much as a protestation. This silent dance quickly makes me edgy.

We barely can look at each other but you can feel an awkward tension going on. Questions are swirling in my mind, but I can't bring myself to talk to her.

Thanks goodness for small mercy the drive to our scene is short. We get out of the car and grab our kits before walking to our scene.

"Oh this is so not good," those are the first words she addresses to me. And as I take a look at the scene I can only agree to her statement.

They struck again. The 'pillow killers', they struck again.

Crap.

We come in the house completely and take a good look at everything. There's a dead couple on the couch, they're sitting as if they were watching the TV. Something's off though.

"They're escalating," Sara states.

And it hits me, one wall is splattered with blood. No more tidiness like for the other scenes, definitely not a good new for us. It's been months since the last scene, we have reviewed every angle, every tiny evidence we had and yet this case had turned cold. Now though the killers returned and their little upgrading in their MO is everything but good new.

"Seems like only one of them had the throat slashed, they keep the same MO for the other one," I add motioning the dead couple.

"You think it was personal?" she asks.

"We can't rule anything out," I shrug.

"I'm taking the floor," she says before moving away from me.

We get silently into work. There is no doubt in my mind that we have to deal with the same killers. I can find traces of their 'safe path', apart from the blood splattering on the wall there's nothing new in their pattern. Almost all the place is bloody except from the spots near the doors and windows.

I don't know how much hours I spend crouched in the living room looking for evidence but I feel knots in different muscles. I stand up and stretch a bit.

"Catherine," Sara calls me. I lift my head up and look at her "There's some upgrading up here as well," she states before disappearing upstairs again. I follow her silently. She's standing on the threshold of what I guess to be the bedroom.

I stand next to her and take a look at what she wanted to show me. As I guessed it, it's the master bedroom, the first thing catching my eyes is the bloody pillow in the middle of it. "Now that's new," I mutter.

We enter the room and process it. There are some more blood stains on the covers but except from that area.

Once we are done we tell each other what we found and try to see where that leads us. We took a tiny step forward but we don't have that much more than what we already had.

We check the perimeter together and come back empty handed. We finally decide to head back to the lab. As soon as we are in the car again, the tension returns. Obviously none of us is willing to face whatever happened yesterday. I can't stand this uncertainty though, and I want things to be clear once for all.

"I'm with Cameron," I state not looking at her and focusing on the road. From the corner of my eyes I can see her head turning to me, I spare a quick glance in her direction and see confusion. "I'm with Cameron," I repeat firmly.

"I know…" she answers flatly. She sighs "Look…"

"Save it," I cut her firmly. "I don't want to hear any of your explanations, or excuses, or whatever. "It was wrong, it shouldn't have happened and it won't ever happen again. I'm with Cameron, I love her and I want you to respect that…" I can feel the bitter taste of ashes in my mouth as the words pass the barrier of my lips.

"Oh that's rich, I … you're the one who…" she starts.

"It doesn't matter Sara," I cut her off. "It shouldn't have happened, and it won't happen again. I just wanted things to be clear on that point."

I'm making sure that my voice doesn't waver. I don't know who I'm trying to convince the most, her or myself. But I'm doing the right thing, I turn the situation in every senses and this is the only thing there is to do.

"Don't worry it won't," she answers a bit angry. She rests her head against the window and closes her eyes.

xxxxx

"…So you had a great time with Uncle Rick?" I ask Lindsey.

"Yep, we did my homework first then, we talk about my game today and we watched some basketball before playing," Linds answers.

"Good, I'm glad it went well. Have you eaten yet babe?" I open the door and let her in before following her.

"Yeah, we did, Gram had left something for him earlier and it was excellent. But I think I might be hungry again," she giggles.

I shake my head and chuckle. Sometimes I wonder if my daughter has a stomach or a black hole she uses as a stomach.

"And Rick said he'd come to see me at my next match…hi Cameron," as soon as the words leave her lips I turn around and effectively see Cameron sitting on the couch.

"Hey there kiddo," she smiles a bit.

I can feel all my anger bubbling up again. "Linds, baby can you leave us alone, Cameron and I need to talk…I'll fix you something to eat a bit later ok?" I say not tearing my eyes from Cameron's figure.

"Okay mom," Linds answers without arguing.

Cameron and I stare at each other not saying anything, the only sound breaking the silence is Lindsey's door being opened and closed.

"You could have fixed her something to eat Cath," Cameron says.

I snort in disbelief. "I don't think you're in position to give me advices about how to take care of my daughter," I reply harshly.

"If she's hungry you should fed her. She wouldn't have told you that she wanted something unless she was hungry," Cam's continues.

"She has already eaten at Warrick's so she can wait a bit," I come back. "I don't remember you caring so much about her when you were supposed to be there," I say bitterly.

"I was there, but when I arrived she was already gone, with Warrick apparently," she sighs. "I had a rough day okay."

"You had a rough day? You think my day was like a walk in a park? First of you disappear, no notes, no signs, not even bothering answering your phone or returning my calls for that matter, standing Lindsey up and now coming back in here without so much as an apology."

"I'm sorry I didn't return your calls…I had to take care of something at work…there's this kid who needed me okay," she says a bit harshly.

"I'm not reproaching you with going back to work unexpectedly, my problem here is the fact that you committed to take care of Lindsey and…"

"And I was there! Only you wanted to have another way, and asked your friend to replace me!" she accuses.

"I had to be sure somebody would be there since returning a phone call or sending a text message has become too damn hard for you!" I reply. "I can't go blindfolded when it comes to my daughter, I'm not playing guessing games and I don't have supervision!"

I start to pace out of frustration. "What the hell got to you? Aside being pissed at you for your irresponsibility regarding Lindsey, do you know how worried I was?" I ask her.

"Do you know how worried I am each time you go to work? I don't make a mountain out of it."

"When I'm at work you know it. This morning you were gone, disappeared, I didn't know where you were, I didn't know if you were okay, I didn't know anything!"

"Please stop with your false concerned," she spits out of the blue. "Just because I'm in love with you doesn't mean I'm blind or stupid."

"Excuse me?"

"I just need to know one thing. How long has it been going on? Just be honest…I'm not angry I just feel like a fool. I knew there was something between you after the way she treated me but…"

"What on earth are you talking about?" I ask her shaking my head as I don't get a word of what she's saying.

"Sara, I'm talking about Sara."

"What does she have to do with anything?"

"Oh please, I can deal with a lot of thing, but I won't let you lie to me, not anymore than I'll deal with you cheating on me."

"I beg your pardon? I am not cheating on you!" I protest.

"You said her name…in your sleep," she adds through her teeth. I blink at her in disbelief. "Don't look at me like that, you said her name several times during your sleep."

"Is this what it is all about? You act like an idiot because if something I did being unconscious…do you realise how stupid this sound?" I ask her really not over my surprise. "This is ridiculous. This is beyond ridiculous," I walk out and head to the corridor, then I turn around and come back to her. "You know what, I want you to be comfortable, so just in case I might call whoever's name while I sleep, I suggest you sleep on the couch," I turn around again.

I go and confine myself in my bedroom. I start to pace again. I can't calm myself so I come out again and go back in the living room, Cameron is still there standing where I left her. "You know what bothers me?" I ask rhetorically "Your lack of trust in me."

"I trust until I'm given reason not to trust."

"I may be slow to take decision when it comes to us but I never gave you any reason not to trust me."

"I'm not stupid Cath, and I hate this feeling I get, the feeling that you're fucking around on me."

"Watch your mouth," I warn her in a growl. "Then once again, I'm not cheating on you, I am not."

Fine I'll admit that what ever happened yesterday wasn't a good thing. I know what I want though, I want to be with Cameron, and there's no need to talk about that stupid lapse of judgement I had with Sara.

"Then why did you have to go and say her name?" she asks. "**Her** name. This is the woman that used to show up on our front steps at any hours of the night and day. What am I supposed to think? Why her name?"

"I don't know, I was asleep for goodness' sake!" I shout. "I came back home and cried myself to sleep, the next thing I know you're gone!"

"Hell yeah! Can you imagine what I felt when I hear my girlfriend calling another woman's name?"

"You're irrational?!"

"How do you want me to be rational Cath? You don't talk to me, you're pushing me away, you act weird and start to cry without any reasons and then I have to listen to you calling her name. Put yourself in my shoes and tell me that I'm wrong to think you're cheating on me!"

"You're supposed to trust me. I had a bad day yesterday and I needed some time alone."

"You're not with me Cath; when you're with me, you're somewhere else. I don't know what's going on and when I try to reach out for you, you spit in my face. I don't know where I'm at…I was mad at you that's why I left like I did and then I had to go to work, but even then I was ready for Lindsey…"

"Cameron, you can't go on like that with your mood then come back and hope I'll be okay with it."

"You get away with everything, you treat me like you want to, reject me like I was nobody, talk to me when you feel you don't have any choice, I think you could cut me some slack!"

I stay silent not answering. How come this relationship isn't as good as I thought it was. Is this really how I am with her?

"I'm pretty sure that I'd have a better treatment if I was your pet," she mutters.

"So this is all about payback? Fine, I haven't been the most perfect girlfriend so far, I've been a terrible girlfriend even. You wanted me to say it, there you go," I tell her flatly. "If I'm such a bad person why are you staying around?"

"Because I love you Cath."

"If you love me so much why can't you be a little more understanding? My job is rough and sometimes I can't be around anybody, I'm on the edge and I just want some time for myself."

"I'm not anybody Cath, I shouldn't be. I want you to talk to me about your work when it's wearing you out."

"I don't want to. That's the thing."

"Why can't you let me in?" she asks almost desperate.

"It's not about letting you in. It's about forgetting, forgetting all those things I have to face every night. I don't want to come in here with it. I need to clean my head up and when I'm in my house the last thing I want to do is to think about it."

"So you were only upset over work last night right?" she asks before pursing her lips. "I mean that's the only reason, right?"

I know that my next words are about to be a lie. I've made up my mind, and Cameron is the one I want to be with. I better put all the chances on my side. "Yes," I say firmly.

"There's nothing between you and Sara?"

"No, nothing at all," I lie again.

"You're not lying to me, are you?"

The problem when you lie is the that you can't just say one lie, you have to lie to cover the first one.

I walk up to her and take her in my arms. "I'm not. I love you Cam."

She hesitates a bit but then eventually returns my embrace. "I'm sorry about today," she whispers. "I needed time to think…I'm sorry."

"Don't pull a stunt like that on me again."

She holds me tighter but I don't complain. I caress the hair behind her neck in a gentle motion. She has her head buried in the crook of my neck. "Cath?"

"Yeah baby?"

"I love you," she says before kissing my neck delicately.

I pull a way a little and kiss her lips.

I'm a liar, and a cheater, I'm not proud of it. Life is made of choices and compromises. I've chosen to be with Cameron, compromising with my heart. If you can't be with the one you want, want the one you're with. I can't be with who I want, but I do want Cameron. It will be enough.

It has to.

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**The song Cath is referring to is **'You can't always get what you want'** by some of the gods of rock **The Rolling Stones

**Thanks for reading.**


	37. Chapter 37

**Merry Christmas everyone! I hope Santa has been good with all of you. Well thanks for the reviews it made my day has always. I hope you're all having happy holidays. Here's the new chap which is short, and not extraordinary but...anyway**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: **Immi,** I really wanted to redeem Warrick...but somehow I'm pretty sure I only made things worse. Oh and I stayed on my first idea, though your opinion was appreciated ;)**

scuby**, thanks for helping me out ;)**

**

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**Chapter 37: Sara**

I'm lying on my bed, wide awake, staring at my ceiling. I don't think I've slept ever since Catherine left my apartment two days ago.

I think I have a bad case of must for her. She came here and we argued – nothing really out of ordinary – she was angry as hell and then out of the blue I kissed her.

I couldn't put my finger on it at first but then I realized that it had been bubbling up for a while. At some undetermined point in time Cath's anger has become a turn on.

How the hell did that happened?

I wonder, and I don't know.

It could have been easy and the story could have stopped right there, it would have been easy and logical. I kissed her, she slapped me and bolted out of here, the end.

But she came back.

In fact, she came back and before I could articulate any apology her lips were back on mine in a 'oh so… wow' kiss.

The very first time we kissed Catherine and I, it was during my first break with Nance. If there was chemistry back then, two days ago was…wow.

I mean, I could barely control myself and if my body reactions were of any indication I wanted her badly.

Damn just thinking about it…

I growl in frustration and bury my head in a pillow.

Bloody hell…

Over 6 billions people on Earth and I had to have a bad case of lust over her, over my ex-lover's sister.

Don't you have the feeling that sometimes life takes a genuine pleasure laughing at you? Putting you in position that will get you troubles no matter what? I do, and I think that it's what's happening right now.

I hope it's just temporary, that whatever happened was a by product of the tension of our argument. I really hope that it's the case, otherwise I'll be in trouble.

Gee, why can't my life be simple for a change?

Oh and yeah I forgot the funny part in all this, she reproaches me with everything. If I'm taking the blame for the first kiss, the second one we're both guilty. I mean she came back after all.

But it doesn't matter. It's wrong and it won't happen again.

xxxxx

Days go by and I'm slowly slipping into insanity. My mind is spinning with questions and I feel like making circles. I can't help thinking about that kiss and wondering what it meant, why it happened…

I don't think I've ever felt so lost before. Lost and confused. How come something as simple as a kiss can turn everything into an indescribable mess?

"So what do we got?" Catherine says entering the lab I'm working in. She's been at the door for the past five minutes, debating whether or not to come in, I gave her a break and pretended not to know she was there.

It's worse than walking on eggshells, we're beyond that, now it's more like walking in the middle of a mined field, if you want my opinion I preferred the eggshells, but we don't always get what we want. I don't even understand myself, I feel uncomfortable whenever she's close to me – which as you could have guessed doesn't happen a lot ever since the 'kiss' incident, I feel my body temperature warming up, and my heart starts to run a marathon and my mood switches, I feel either incredibly angry or incredibly stupid. Why? Hell if I know!

"We actually have something new. I found a bloody print on the pillow, and what's interesting is that it doesn't belong to either of the victims," I reply flatly. Trying my best to stay as emotionless as possible.

"Really?" She smiles. "Excellent…now if we could find who they belong to…"

"Yeah…" I sigh.

She shakes her head a bit "So Doc confirmed that Mr Porter died before his wife, she basically had to watch her husband having his throat slashed."

"You got the result of the tox screen?"

"Another interesting bit, only Mrs Porter had a shot of halothane, Mr didn't have such a chance, yet there's no defensive wound so he didn't try to fight whatsoever."

"They're escalating and that's bad," I state with a bit of frustration. There you go I'm angry again. I feel this strange heat all over my body and my brain starts to throw me images I do not want to see, namely reminiscences of Catherine in my arms and "I hate that… going blindfolded."

"We're moving slowly, but we're moving. In my opinion they are either becoming cocky or sloppy, in both case they start to leave traces behind them and it's a good thing for us."

"Yeah and bad for how many people?" I ask. And there I feel it this little bubble of fire in the pit of my stomach. Shit. "I think I need a break," I add hastily not willing to have an argument right now, we know what happened the last time.

The rest of the shift goes pretty smoothly, I avoid Catherine as much as she avoids me and we eventually catch up on our findings.

I don't know how long this little game is going to last but I know that if I don't find a way to understand myself or at least get back the control over myself, I might start to become really insane.

xxxxx

I'm at Nancy's, she just came back from work, Jeremy is at football practice while I'm teaching Allan how to play chess. We've been playing for the past two hours and he's a fast learner. I like the look of high concentration he gets when he thinks about his next move. I'll tell you the more the time passes by and the more I like to see the boys growing up and the more I'm proud to be a member of this family.

"Check mate," I announce.

"How come I lose again? I mean I ate almost all of your master pieces."

I chuckle. "You missed the point squirt. It's not about taking your opponent's pieces, it's about protecting your King and defeat the other."

"I'll beat you one day," he says with a grin.

"I have no doubt about that," I reply ruffling his hair.

We play another party waiting for Nancy to come out from her shower, then he goes to his bedroom reading, leaving me alone with Nancy so we can have some time alone.

It's been two weeks since I've kissed Catherine and it's been literally eating me alive. Not only because I still can't explain what happened, but I came to feel like I was lying to Nancy, betraying her and in some way I am. And it kills me not to tell her because I know telling her would do any good, but I also know I'll have to come clean eventually.

"… Gee…I didn't know I was so boring," Nancy chuckles effectively shaking me out of my thoughts.

"Sorry," I say sheepishly.

"Come on," she says standing up from the kitchen chair and reaching out a hand. I take it and stand up as well. She leads us to the couch, she sits down while I lie down resting my head on her laps. She starts to caress my hair in a soothing motion and I can feel myself drifting into sleep. As always she knew exactly what I needed.

I wake up some undetermined time later. My head is still on Nancy's laps and she's still caressing hair, her attention though is on a documentary she's watching on the TV without any sound. She feels me moving so she shift her focus on me. She smile and kisses my forehead gently. "Hey there."

"Hey," I reply.

"What time is it?"

"It's almost time to go with the boys. You know if you're tired we can change the schedule…" she starts.

"Oh no, no, it's okay, I just needed a little nap," I reply before yawning.

The boys sleep at my place tonight, according to the schedule. Nancy and I have settle things properly so the whole family is seldom apart. Even if we don't live under the same roof anymore we are all together as much as possible.

"You're sure?" she asks.

"Yeah, yeah I'm sure, don't worry," I rise up from her laps and sit on the couch. I rub my face with my hands to shake the last remain of sleep. "I'm going to freshen myself a bit and then we'll go, ok?"

"Sure," she smiles. I stand up and kiss her head, then I head to the bathroom.

One hour later we're at my place making dinner while the boys are assembling a new model car in the living room.

"…Well it's not much but at least you're moving a bit," Nancy finishes as I tell her about my current case with Catherine.

"Yeah, but it's so frustrating," I sigh. "Anyway, what about you, did you manage to finish the program you had in mind or not?"

And she process to tell me about the latest event at her work.

We have dinner all together, watch a movie and send the boys to bed. Nancy and I decide to have hot chocolate in the kitchen before she goes back to her home.

"I'm here for you," she says out of the blue. "I'm not blind, I can see something is bothering you, so I just want you to know that if you need to talk I'm here," she offers, taking my hand in hers. I squeeze her hand lightly in response and smile a bit. We share a silence then she keeps on her story. "So you can imagine that I was dreading the worse when it came to Doug, I mean he's been really clear on his opinion about poetry and…"

"I kissed Catherine," I blurt out in a mere whisper. The words burn my tongue as I feel the taste of ashes invading my mouth. I can't hold it in anymore, I can't stand lying to Nancy, not when I know that what I feel right now is so strong, is just the beginning of something, even if it's just the beginning of big troubles.

"I knew this assignment would…" Nancy marks a bit, the bomb I just dropped crashing in her brain, spreading the meaning of my words. Then she blinks before speaking again as if I hadn't said anything. "…be difficult for him. And I was more than surprised by the result. He actually made a brilliant poem, really brilliant and expressive. I knew he had potential and I realized that the only reason poetry didn't touch him before is because…"

"Did you hear what I said?" I ask her.

But she keeps on like I wasn't talking at all "The reason poetry didn't touch him before is because he didn't feel like it was real, as if using images and metaphor made the poets cold, unable to feel…"

"Nance…" I try again.

"Do you want me to go?" she snaps calmly, but her balled fist betrays her cool.

I sigh "So…how was Doug's poetry?"

She looks away, she tries hard but fails not to show the hurt, not to show how upset she is. She snorts with a smile tainted with hurt "Betrayal and lies, you would have loved it I'm sure," she says with an acerb tone I never heard her use, at least never with me. "I mean, it was well written and…"

She stands up brutally, knocking her chair down in the process. "Bloody hell!" she swears before going to the counter top. Her back is facing me but I can see her shoulder trembling slightly. I stand up and close the distance between us. I put my hands on her shoulder "Nance…"

"Don't," she says harshly shrugging my hands off. "Don't!" she turns to me, her expression is a mix between anger and pain. "Don't touch me," she says through her teeth, her eyes are moist but tears refuse to fall. She pushes me away as she goes past me, she grabs her coat and heads to the door. "I'm going home," she throws over her shoulder. "Glad to hear you have moved on."

I follow her "Nancy I haven't…Nance please…" I beg but she doesn't listen to me and two seconds later she's outside my apartment. I lean against my door and bump my head against it several times. "Damn, damn, damn… damn it Sidle!" I swear under my breath. I let myself sliding down and close my eyes for a moment.

I think I'm going to be sick.

xxxxx

"Sara!"

I startle. I look up and see Greg looking at me expectantly. "Come on we got to go," he says waving a little pink paper in his hand.

"Uh, yeah ok, give me five minutes," I say standing up from the couch and exiting the break room.

If my life was complicated before I've officially reached Hell now. Before I couldn't sleep because I was obsessed about what happened between Cath and I, and those new sensation I would feel in her presence. Now I can't sleep nor think about anything else but Nancy not talking to me, Catherine not talking to me, my kiss with Catherine, my inability to control or understand myself.

I am so screwed.

As I enter the locker room Catherine is coming out of it and we almost collide. We stop short in our tracks a few inches away from each other. As usual lately my body starts to have strange reactions. It's like a jolt of electricity was travelling my whole being. My eyes fall on her lips and instantaneously memories from our kiss cloud my mind. I shake my head to focus again. We are way too close from one another and one of us should take a step back, but none of us move.

"Sorry, didn't see you," I mutter.

"I need to…" she trails off motioning behind me.

"Yeah…" I breathe out. "And I need to…" I motion the inside of the locker room. I can feel myself shaking a little as a powerful sensation is bubbling up in me again. I know this sensation, it's the same I had a just before kissing her. I feel my head leaning in a little, moving slowly in a barely perceptible move.

No, no, no, don't go there…

"I think…" she seems to have as much trouble to focus as I have. "You should…move…" she says heaving a little.

"Yeah…"

We stay still, not moving struggling with this invisible force pushing us toward like we were two opposite side of magnets vainly trying not to be attracted to one another.

"Sara…" she pleads.

"Yeah," I shake my head in a split second of clarity and move aside so she can go out while I go in. As our bodies brush against each other I feel myself going weak on my knees. As soon as she's out of sight I collapse on a bench and try to take deep breath to compose myself again.

xxxxx

Once the shift is over I drive around for an hour before deciding against going back home. I arrive at my destination pretty quickly, I exit my car and lock it before walking to the door. Lucky me, the door is opened shortly after my three little knock.

"Doll?" Warrick is surprised to see me here to say the least but greets me inside. I turns to me after closing the door. I'm trying to think about words to explain him why I'm here but all the sudden everything just crash on my shoulders and I can't help but losing my composure. "Hey, come here," he says before enveloping me in a big hug.

He holds me like that for a while, but he feels me getting weaker by each new second so he bends a bit and sweep me off my feet, carrying me like a child and leads us straight to his room. There he puts me gently on his bed and climb up after me holding me tight as I cry myself out.

When I open my eyes I'm alone and I have a big headache. I take a few minute to be situated again and then head to the living room. Warrick is there reading. He turns to look at me as he hears my footstep.

He immediately puts his book aside and starts to take care of me. After eating a bit we find ourselves in his living room again. I tell him everything that happened and he just listens to me silently, giving me the opportunity to get it all out of my system before confronting me about it.

"You kissed Catherine…again…" he sighs. "Sometimes I wonder if you ever learn your lesson," he states.

"I know…"

"Why?" he asks genuinely intrigued.

"I don't know…I…there's this ting I feel when she's around…it's like…like us when we were in our…really physical phase… I don't know where it comes from but it's there…" I struggle with my words but I know he understands me loud and clear. As I once said when he and I were dating and for a long period after we ended the dating part there was the need in us stronger than desire or anything else, this need to get under each other's skin constantly.

"You feel that way with Cath?"

"I don't know… well…my body reacts oddly and…I get this need to feel her lips again… and I remember everything…"

He contemplates me silently before asking his next question. "Do you have feelings for her?"

That brings all my thoughts to a screeching halt. Do I have feelings for Catherine?

Almost four weeks since the kiss and never once did this question pop up in my mind. I know I feel attraction, that's kind of impossible to deny now, but feelings?

My mind is way too messy and I really don't have energy to think about this question. So I decide to move on to my other preoccupation.

"Nancy refuses to talk to me. It's been a week now and it's killing me."

"Can you blame her?" he asks rhetorically. "In my opinion, she would have been upset had it been anybody else, but it's her sister we're talking about so…"

"Thanks for the reminder."

"There's something I don't get though. Why telling her?"

"I couldn't stand the idea of lying to her," I reply.

"But it didn't bother you that much not to tell her about the first kiss Catherine and you had shared. Sure you weren't lying blatantly, but you weren't being honest either."

"Shit Rick! I'm having a hard time as it is without you making my trial about my previous actions," I snap.

"Sara…you come here for me to listen to you and give you my point of view, I'm being honest here that's all. Now if you want me to tell you what you need to hear fine I can do that but I'll be lying to you then," he says in a calm voice.

Fair point.

I sigh in frustration, I know he's right but there are something I really don't need to think about, I'm already deep in it without adding anything to my misery.

"I'm just trying to understand why you did what you did. You knew it would hurt Nancy to tell her about the kiss, you didn't have to tell her anything yet you did, now you complain. There's a lack of coherence in your actions Dolly." he takes a deep breath. "Look I want to help you, but I can't do that until we figure out why you're acting like this and why you're feeling like this. I know you and be it consciously or unconsciously there's always a reason to each of your actions."

"I can't do this, not today, not…I can't…I'm too tired physically and emotionally to think about all this crap. I know you're right but it only frustrates me and…I can't do this. I should go home. Thank you for taking care of me," I say hastily before almost running out of his place.

"Sara wait…"

"I got to go Rick, see you…" I reply before exiting his place.

When you feel vulnerable you have two options, face the problems or flee. I took the easy way out.

I'm a coward….yeah so what?

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**I know, I know...just remember...I got a plan, so just have faith in me we're almost there.**

**Thanks for reading.**


	38. Chapter 38

**Hey there! First and foremost Happy New Year 2008 to each one of you, may it bring you everything you wish for and the best of this life. (Bonne Année à tous et mes meilleurs voeux). Thank you so much for your reviews, you are great to me! Ok, so I took a break to finish my story with scuby first - Trust is a two way street, and then because I was having a hard time with this one. I know your patience is running thin, but for those who know me I like to do things properly, but we're closer now more than ever. So I'll just ask you to keep having faith in me...Anyway...**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)****

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Chapter 38: Catherine**

"I found something," I hear Sara say from the bedroom of our new crime scene. Our killers have struck again. I get out of the bathroom where I was looking around and go on the threshold of the room. She doesn't turns to me but I know she has noticed my presence because she starts speaking by herself. "You won't believe this, I found 'proteins' on the bed sheet, and some other DNA."

"Proteins?" I ask surprised.

"Yep," she smiles yet still doesn't look at me.

"Somehow I doubt that Mrs Randy and her girlfriend were trying to have another child."

The victims are two female lovers, they have four children and it's their elder son who discovered them. So the presence of sperm on their bed is quite suspicious in itself. It could be everything, like it could be nothing.

"That's what I thought," she says still looking at the bed sheet.

"They're getting sloppier."

"You know I thought that actually they didn't touch the sheets before, they just drop a pillow that didn't belong to the lot, and I think that it's the first time they actually do anything in the master bedroom of their crime scene," she says, all her focus on what she's doing.

I can't help myself, I'm trailing my eyes on every curves of her body, from the thorough and subtle move of her hand to the frown darkening her features.

"I checked each pillow they had left behind and they are all made of goose feathers, which wasn't the case of the other pillows."

"That doesn't help us much, goose feathers are something common," I state.

"Actually there aren't many stores in Vegas selling those brands of pillows, it's an independent label and quite expensive according to the researches I made on the other pillows we collected from the other crime scenes."

I think a moment about the probability for us to find something useful or actually relevant with this lead. "Well…it's a long shot, but then again it's not like we had a lot of leads at the moment."

We finish our scene then head back to the lab. As soon as we're there we take separate path and go work on our sides. That's how we work now, each one in her corner and then we make updates as soon as we have something new and if we don't have anything new then we make updates every two hours or so.

I hate this situation, I miss out communication and our way to work together, in spite of everything it was one of those rare things we were good at together. On the other hand I know I can't focus when she's around and there's this weird tension lingering between us making everything awkward.

xxxxx

Sara and I are on our way to our second crime scene of the night, neither of us happy about making a double shift. When we arrive Warrick, Nick and Greg are already there. Apparently some party went wrong in a big mansion. The question is to know how five teenagers ended up dead.

Warrick asks us to check the outside of the house.

"Teens, alcohol, drugs…" she sighs "It'll always be a deadly mix."

"When I see this, I can't help but wonder if I really know my daughter. I've been a teen and god only knows what my parents never found out, so I don't want to imagine what my daughter could hide from me…I" I shake my head with a sigh "Sorry," I apologize for my ramble and display of weakness. As I glance at Sara I see her getting rid of her jacket and vest and starting to take off her shoes.

"Uh…what are you doing?" I ask her I ask with a little panic as she starts to undo her shirt.

"There's something in the pool."

She empties her pockets and then sits on the edge of the pool, her feet touching the water. She hisses at the cold sensation and then reaches out for glasses. Then she slips completely in the water and dives in. I don't have time to ask her what she saw or talk her out of it, my brain is blank too busy watching her body in motion and fantasizing about her flesh.

I watch her body moving swiftly in the water. She heads up on the surface and turns to me. "Can you put your flash light in direction of the aeration trap please?"

I can only nod and obey. I can only guess her moves under water. She comes onto the surface two times and dives again. The third time she comes back up she has a big smile gracing her lips. She reaches the edge of the pool again, put a black plastic bag on the edge and then climbs up on the concrete.

My breath gets stuck in my throat at the vision of Sara, all soaked from head to toes, her clothes tight against her like a second skin. I can feel my body reacting at the sight before me. It's like everything was going in a slow motion, she shakes her head a bit to get some of the water out of her hair. My mouth is dry and I can feel my body trembling, burning with desire. My eyes are glue to a drop of water that falls from her hair onto her cheek, then travels its way down her neck only to lose itself underneath her white cotton tank top. The water was cold is the goosebumps on her arms are of any indication, I'd be lying if I say it's the only thing giving away the coldness of the water.

I can only think of how much I want to touch her body and make her mine. And those thoughts are so inappropriate right now.

"Be still my heart at the sight of the hot goddess in front of you," Greg's voice startles me forcing me out of my reverie. I compose myself immediately I glare at him. I want nothing more than taking his eyes out of their sockets to get rid of that lust filled gaze.

Sara chuckles. "Greg, love, I want you to know that my gun is within my reach."

"Is it my fault is you're so sexy?" he says giving her an up and down look.

"Greg why don't you go back to work?" I snap harshly.

He puts his hands in surrender. "I was just kidding, relax Cath."

"Yeah we laughed, now get back to work."

"Warrick wanted to know what you guys had, and if you're done here, we could use some help for the inside," Greg says in a serious tone.

Sara frowns at me but then reverts her attention to Greg. "I found a bag in the pool, at the touch I'd say there are pills in it," she states.

"Drugs?" Greg asks.

"Well there's no point into hiding aspirin," I reply.

"Alright, I'll go back in," he says before smiling at Sara one last time and then go.

"You didn't have to be harsh with him," she says with a smirk.

"He was staring at you like you were some meat," I say.

"It's Greg, he was just kidding," she shakes her head.

"Well sorry, to have interrupt your flirting session," I walk away in the direction of the house, not wanting to think about the fact that I'm jealous to the point I could hurt Greg, and aroused beyond belief.

xxxxx

We came back from our scene 30 minutes ago and we're all in a rush mode because there are so many evidences to process. I decide to have a quick coffee break before joining Warrick who paged me.

I nearly bumped into Sara as I come out of my office. We look at each other in surprise. Her hair is still wet from earlier and I remember vividly how sexy she looked out of that pool. She took out her tank top which was soaked, so now the three undone buttons of her shirt offers her oh so tempting flesh to my eyes.

Without thinking I pull her by the lapels of her shirt and close the door behind her. As soon as I hear the little click I push her against the door and kiss her senseless.

I feel her opposing a little resistance at first but then her hands settle on my waist as she pulls me closer to her. The kiss is burning, hot with desire, it's only second before our tongues meet, and a moan birth from both our throats.

I'm glad I keep my blinds shut most of the time, at least I don't have to worry about people seeing us right now.

One of my hands gets under her shirt and I feel her shivering at my touch.

"Cath…" she tries during the second our lips lose the connection, but I don't let her finish.

I want her.

Badly.

She reverses our position so I'm the one with my back against the wall while she's against me. Her mouth leaves mine and the trails her way to my neck with kisses.

I breathe as hard as I can not to pass out and hold her head in place with one hand, while caressing her stomach with the other. One of her legs comes between mine and I have to bite my lips at the sensation.

I'm on sensory overload.

Her hands are everywhere on me, on my hair, my neck, my breasts…I just can't keep track of it.

Against my will –not that I'm resisting that much – my hips start to move against her leg, slowly driving me insane with pleasure.

"Catherine…" I hear her voice whispering in my ear.

"Catherine…" wait her voice sounds strange.

"Catherine!"

I open my eyes with a start, and look up only to see Greg staring at me.

What the…?

I look around and find myself sitting in my office. I'm more than a little disoriented. I must have fallen asleep. Great, and I had to have a wet dream, and to top it off Greg is the one to wake me up – talk about a cold shower… Let's hope that I wasn't vocal while I was dreaming because that would be the last straw.

"We have a meeting. We've been paging you for the past 45 min," he says. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah…I…was…"

"Too busy dreaming about me?" he says with a suggestive smile. "I guessed from the sexy little sounds you were making," he waggles his eyebrows.

I should have known I wouldn't be that lucky with him.

"Oh, shut up Greg," I say with frustration and with that we leave my office to go to the meeting.

xxxxx

"Cameron…" I sigh. "I've been thinking a lot…It's not working… We've been lying to each other…no…no…I've been lying…I'm the one who's been lying to you. I thought it would work, but truth is…my heart belongs to another and as hard as I've tried to fight it, I just…can't be with you…I can't keep on like this, I can't keep on pretending…It's unfair to you…I'm really sorry… I am…I am….a stupid selfish bitch…"I sigh again and let my forehead rest against the mirror.

What have I become? This isn't me, I'm not this person. I don't know who the woman I see in the mirror is.

A pair of arms sneak around my waist and I can't help but tensing a bit for I know they don't belong to Sara. "Hey, what's up with the long face?" Cameron asks me. We're looking at each other through the mirror. "Something's wrong?"

I don't know, let's see…I have wet daydreams about the woman I'm in love with and it just happens not to be you., so that makes me a bitch. Oh and did I mention that I kissed her, and I fell more in her arms than you ever made me feel?

"We found the body of five teenagers in a house today. A drug deal went wrong, one of them tried to trick the dealer, he didn't really appreciate it," I say. It's not a lie, but it's isn't the truth either, or at least not completely.

"I'm sorry honey," Cam says holding me tighter against her.

"Me too," I sigh. "I'm tired I think I'm going to go to bed."

"You never talk to me," she says, loosening her arms around me but not really letting me go. "I know your job isn't the only thing bothering you, but you don't let me in and… I feel like I didn't know you anymore," she lets me go and then exits the bathroom.

I don't know myself anymore either, so that makes two of us.

xxxxx

I can't keep on like this.

I have to end things up with Cameron. I know, I know, I should have done it a long time ago, or I should not have started this altogether.

I'm thinking about breaking up with her, setting her free. Trouble is that we've gone so far in this relationship that I don't know how to get out. I mean there are only messy ways to end it up and I wish I had been able to avoid that. Cameron is sweet, really and she's a good person. I, on the other hand, am the bad person for her. I've convinced myself that I loved her, that I could move on with her.

Truth is that I can't erase my feelings for Sara. Yes I had managed to tame them for a moment because I really wanted to have a chance to be happy. I realized a lot of things lately, first that I can't be happy with anybody or anything, if happy means not being with Sara; then I can't be with Sara but I can't be with anybody else either, I mean it's her or nothing. I was a fool to think that I could so much as feel something anywhere near happiness without Sara.

It pisses me off, really. She managed to steal everything from me: my desire, my thoughts, my heart, my soul…everything. I belong to her completely. That's why I can't be with anybody. I am human, I need affection and care, I thought it could be enough that's why I went on with Cameron, but it's not enough. Our relationship is a big fat lie, every touch is wrong and every word is made of ashes.

I'm living a lie, an illusion. Everything could have worked, I could have had numb myself into this illusion and live on with it, find some sort of satisfaction even though satisfaction is hard to find when you settle for the second best.

I could have, hadn't I had kissed Sara maybe then I could have keep up with this big joke for long. But now I don't have control over my emotions. Whenever I'm near Sara the only thing I think about is the feel of her hands on me, her lips on mine, the passion, the electricity…

Every time I'm near Sara, I have to use all my self control not to give into the temptation to kiss her again. And fate seems to have a lot of fun putting us in awkward situations lately.

I'm a liar and I'm stupid.

I don't know who I am anymore. It's not like me to be like this, to hold on something that is fundamentally wrong and delusional.

Cameron stirs a bit next to me then kisses my neck. "You should try to sleep baby."

Shit. How could I be such an ass with such a good person?

* * *

**I'm already halfway through the next chap...yeah Mojo decided to come back home for a while...yay**

**Thanks for reading.**


	39. Chapter 39

**Hey everyone! Well thank you all for your reviews. And keep having faith in me, as you'll see we're one step closer...**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: Thank you **Immi,** for your help.**

scuby** thank you for fighting with me ;)**

**

* * *

Chapter 39: Sara**

"Check mate," I say with a little smile.

"Oh come on!" Allan groans letting his head hit the table. "I almost beat you!"

"Almost but not quite."

"I want my revenge," he says shaking his head.

"Not now Al, it's time for you to get ready, your grandmother should be here in a few minute," Nancy says, cutting any reply I was about to make.

She has been ignoring me for the past 9 days. It's killing me, I can't stand being ignored by her. I know why I receive this treatment and yes, I deserved it somewhere but… this silence is excruciating.

It's even harder since we're together everyday, if only to have family time with the boys. Every attempt I make to communicate with her she just stares at me silently ordering me not to bother, or she just acts like I wasn't even there.

I can't take it anymore.

Lilly arrives only five minutes after Nancy has asked Allan to get ready. Despite the fact that Nancy and I aren't together anymore, Lilly has stayed the same with me, kind, welcoming and really warm. She's actually a bit like a mother to me, she calls me twice every week to have some news and insists on having me to dinner with Nancy and the boys at least once a week.

"Sara, how are you doing darling?" she asks with a smile as I greet her with a hug and a peck on the cheek.

"I'm okay Lilly, thank you, what about you?"

"Wonderful. Just okay? Something's wrong?"

"Work is quite rough," I tell her.

Knowing her she has noticed that something was wrong between her daughter and I but she just chose not to interfere. "I see," she replies. "You know that I'm here for anything."

"Thank you Lilly."

She caresses my cheek in a maternal gesture. "Now, where are my grandsons?" she asks once she's sure I'm okay.

"Right here Gram!" Jeremy says before hugging his grandmother. Allan is right behind him and does the same once his brother release his hold on Lilly.

"How are my boys?" Lilly asks. She has this sparkle of joy shinning in her eyes every time she sees her grandchildren.

Jeremy and Allan start to talk about their latest adventure barely breathing in between phrases. At some point they take time to hug Nancy and I goodbye, before leaving with Lilly.

As soon as Nancy and I are left alone I return to the status of the invisible woman. Nancy is cleaning the kitchen not once sparing a glance at me.

I've had it with this silence, better face the problem now.

"So that's it? You won't ever talk to me again?" I ask.

For long minutes she doesn't even show any sign of acknowledgement of my words. I'm just standing there drowning in my despair.

"Nancy, please," I plea.

She looks at me blankly then turns again to face the counter. "Please," she mutters. She slams her hands down on the counter top, startling me. "Please?" she says forcefully. She turns to me and her eyes bear a fire full of anger. "Please what, Sara?" she asks more rhetorically than anything, but I answer anyway.

"Please talk to me."

"Please talk to you to make _you_ feel better? Please understand why _you_ kissed my sister? Please _forgive you_?" she spits. "I don't want to talk to you, so just leave will you," she says with her back on my face.

"No," I say firmly. "I can't stand this situation anymore. It's killing to have you ignoring me like you do. Let's talk about it."

She snorts and turns around. "Talk about what? What is there to talk about?"

"I never meant to hurt you," she laughs humourlessly. "Nancy…"

"And how exactly did you try to make me feel?" she shakes her head. "You're unbelievable, you…you kissed my sister and then you told me about it…"

"I didn't want to lie to you," I try.

"Well, lie to me Sara, please lie to me!" she snaps, her eyes bear a fire full of anger. "Tell me you didn't kiss my sister four months after you and I had broken up, tell me I'm not just a notch in your bedpost, tell me that this is a joke!"

"You're not a notch in my bedpost, how can you think that?!"

"Oh yeah? Four months! That's all it took you to move on, like our two years and a half didn't matter! How the hell do you think I would feel after you telling me that you kissed her? Of all people it had to be her!" she chuckles dryly. "You know I love my sister but when it comes to human relationship her morality has always been questionable, so her cheating on her girlfriend does not come as a shock…but you…"

It's the first time I see this side of Nancy. She's bitter and aggressive, but most of all hurt.

"I can't help but wonder, is she the reason you drifted away from me? Has this been going on while we were together?"

"I was faithful to you!" I protest. "I don't know how this happened, I don't understand it myself… I…I couldn't keep it to myself because I felt like I was lying to you, like I was…cheating on you…it was eating me alive…it's hard for me…"

"Hard for you?" she asks in disbelief. "Why is everything about you?" I'm about to reply when she goes on "You felt bad, you felt guilty, you needed to be honest….you, you, you!" she's heaving "What about me? Did you think for one minute about how your little bombshell would affect me?"

I just look at her feeling pathetic, all my selfishness biting me right back in the ass.

"No, you didn't. Because if you had, first of all, you never would have kissed her, and second of all, you wouldn't have told me…you just…it's like…you just spat on my all the time we spent together…on the life we had together…" her eyes are watering.

"I'm sorry," I say honestly, it hurt to see her hurting, and even more so because I'm the one making her feel that way.

"I don't want any of your sorry assed excuses," she replies and starts to walk past me. "I want you to leave."

I grabbed her by one of her wrists, my grip is firm but not painful. "Don't walk away from me, I'm sorry…I need you….I love you," I tell her in a wavering voice, tears threatening to fall.

She turns to me suddenly and jerks her wrist free from my grip violently. "Don't you dare! Please, have some mercy and spare me a little!" she starts to thunder my shoulders with her balled fists. "How could you?!" she screams. "You could have kissed anyone….ANYONE!...it had to be her…HER! How dare you do this to me!!" tears are streaming down her face.

I let her punching me and try to take her in my arms but she struggles. "I hate you, I hate you…" she punctuates each words with her fists. "I hate you…" she sobs. Slowly her strength gives out and I hold her tight against me as she's crying "I hate you…I…" her sobs are too violent for her to speak.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I repeat as tears damp my cheek as well. "I love you…."

My words only double her sobs so I rock her gently. Some minutes after she pushes me away still crying "I want you to leave…"

"Nancy…I want to fix this….I won't go until we fix this…"

"Fix it?...Can you turn back time and make it never happen? Can you?..."

"Nance…babe…"

"Leave," she says through her teeth. "If you love me so much…just leave…leave…"

I avert my eyes and try to compose myself but I can't. I look at her again silently pleading for her to let me stay but the pain in there is too great and she just looks away.

I turn my back and leave. Once in my car I rest my forehead against the wheel and keep on crying silently.

Fuck.

xxxxx

I'm staring at a picture of a crime scene. I tried to read a report but my eyes would stay on the same line so at some point I decided to switch for pictures instead, not that it helps much.

It's been a week since I've talked to Nancy and I feel myself fading away. Things between us are worse if that's possible.

I love Nancy I do and I know that I won't ever stop. I never thought that our break up would be easy but I never thought it would be so hard. I still wee us as a couple in spite of the separation, and it hurts me just to think about moving on. I know that our feelings for one another have changed and I know that our break up came naturally, but I can't help it. There's a part of me hoping that maybe we'd get together again, because we are good together, we are good as a family, and if it's so good then there's no real reason to be apart.

This part of me will still be there, it's Nancy's lover talking. I don't think…no… I know that a part of me will always be in love with Nancy, even if it's a tiny part of me. She gave me so much, I can't help loving her.

Now if I am honest with myself I know that Catherine is having an effect on me, I don't dare dwelling on it and asking myself what it means because I'm not ready to face it yet.

It one thing to accept that Nancy and I are over, it's another to realise and accept that eventually I'll have to move on, that eventually she will move on. It's scaring the hell out of me. Not to mention that it's Nancy's sister.

I don't really want to move on, I don't really want to turn the page. I don't feel ready for this, that's what I think that whatever it is going on when I'm around Catherine is utterly wrong.

"I think I got something," Catherine voice takes me out of my reverie. I straighten up and compose myself.

She comes closer to me but keeps a safe distance. We're staring at each other in silence, but I break the contact for I feel weak whenever she's around, and I feel… things I'm not sure I want to feel. I look away, waiting for her to speak.

"I found something about the bills of the pillow store. I…" she trails off.

She doesn't speak for half a minute so I turn to look at her. "Are you okay?" she asks hesitantly.

I stare at her. It's been almost 5 months since the last time she asked me this question. "Why? It's not like you cared," I reply flatly before returning my gaze to my pictures.

I can tell that she's taken aback by my aggressiveness but I decide to ignore it. She sighs "You're right, I don't care," she says sharply. "Besides the 'zombie' style suits you pretty well."

I roll my eyes at her words. I'd be lying if I said that I've been taking care of myself lately, but I have a lot to deal with to think about that.

"You said you where here for a reason," I put her back on track, though my voice is soft, then tension I have settled still remain.

She sits on the chair besides me and lays documents on the table. "I went to the second pillow store and asked for the records. I was lucky, one card number appears several time during the last months. Even better they always appear at regular periods of time, always two weeks before the murders, that is, until the last ones, then it was only a few days before the murders."

"So it is premeditated, and they are needier," I state, looking at the records.

"Yep, they know when they're going to strike, and something's telling me that they know where."

"I've been working on the victims bills, and you'll never know, they have all called for reparation of their lock about a month or so before they were murdered."

"Supposing that the work was done by one of the killers that could explain how they can come in and out easily."

"That's what I thought, I tried to call the company and I got us an appointment with the manager tomorrow," I tell her.

"Good," she looks through the file she has in her and. "Ah and the DNA result are back, the semen didn't belong to any of the kids, and there was also a trace of vaginal fluids which didn't match with Mrs Randy or her partner. So we're looking for a man and a woman."

"I suppose that none of them is in the CODIS," I say matter-of-factly.

"Of course not, it wouldn't be fun otherwise."

"We actually have solid leads, so I suppose it's okay."

Silence falls between us. I can feel her gaze on me, I keep looking at the files, refusing to meet her eyes. She waits a bit and sighs. She stands and gathers her file in its folder. "I do… I do care actually," she says softly before walking out of the room, when I come over my surprise and lift my head up a bit she's already far away.

I'm left here wondering how so few words can move me so much.

xxxxx

I've just spent the afternoon with Jeremy and Allan, we went to the theatre and then we went to play some video games at the arcade. We just got back home. Nancy is in the kitchen reading on the countertop, Allan is there too looking for a recipe, for he and Nancy will cook together in a few. Jeremy and I head to the garage to work on one of the model cars.

It's been weeks since Nancy and I last talked, if there's no tension, awkwardness remains. I decided to give her space and time, I've done enough as it is. Add to that the fact that I feel like shit every time I look at her, her eyes are still displaying fresh hurt.

Thinking about it, she was right when she called me selfish, I don't really know what I expected after telling her that I had kissed Catherine. I regret telling her but on the other side I really couldn't keep it to myself. I felt like I was cheating on her, like I had betrayed her.

I'm gritting my teeth and deal with the consequence of my act in silence, I'm the only one to blame here and I can't be mad at Nancy for being mad at me.

Jeremy and I work for an hour on the car then Nancy comes to say that the boys have to get ready to go because they're camping this week end.

I help them getting ready then we have a snack all together and soon their friends come to get them.

Nancy pours herself a mug of cocoa and then head to the backyard porch. I'm about to leave when her voice reaches my ears. "You can stay a bit…if you don't have anywhere to go that is."

When I turn around to reply she's already outside, she has left the door ajar, I hope, as an invitation to join her. I pour myself a mug of cocoa and then take a deep breath. I head to the backyard and sit next to Nancy on the bench.

We stay in silent, contemplating the backyard, both lost on our thoughts.

"Even though we're not lovers anymore I never really felt like we were apart… at least until your little confession…" she pauses. I want to reply but I know that right now all she needs is to let it all out. "I'm hurt. I am truly deeply hurt…A big part of the pain I feel comes from the fact that it's her, it's my sister…I told you already about my love records and about her part in it all…I don't suppose you can control what you feel…" she chuckles humourlessly. "It's just that… I guess a part of me was hoping that…" she trails off as tears falls silently on her cheek. She brushes them off with the back of her hand. "a part of me was hoping…"

"That we'd get back together," I finish for her. "I was hoping that too…"

She smiles a bit through her tears "Well obviously it won't happen now…you've moved on…"

"Nance I haven't, 'I reply.

"But you will, and so will I eventually."

I want to tell her that she's wrong, but that would be a lie.

"Did you feel something while you were kissing her?" she asks after a moment.

I open my mouth but no sound comes out. It'd be a lie to say that I didn't. I felt like falling, I felt like a jolt of electricity was travelling in my whole body, I felt high…I felt…something, something I can't put my finger on, something I can't name yet.

My silence speaks loud enough though. Nancy nods slowly with a little pout and I look away.

"Do you have feelings for her?"

"No…I don't know," I reply. I never asked myself the question in those terms.

"If you…" she starts but a sob smother her next words. She breathes deep, trying to compose herself again, "If you two get…together….please….don't tell me….have some mercy and spare me with the details…I know I won't put up with it…"this time she loses the battle with her tears and doesn't bother trying to hide them. She stands and starts to go in, but then she turns to me and kisses me on the lips, it tastes like salt and the fireworks that once was there are no more. "I love you," she whispers.

I'm about to tell her that I love her too but she senses it and put her fingers on my lips, silencing me. She caresses my cheek and smiles at me sadly, then she kisses my forehead and goes back inside the house. I stay still on the bench, my lips still burning from their contact with Nancy's, her words echoing in my mind.

It's funny, because it feels like we just had broken up again, well no it's not funny, it's sad and painful actually.

I sigh, close my eyes and let my head fall back against the wall.

xxxxx

"Looks like they've been in a hurry," I state as Cath and I come into our crime scene. "Each new scene is worse than the previous."

The couple is on the couch facing the TV as always, but there's blood cast everywhere, seems like the both of then have had the throat slashed while being alive. This time they didn't respect their safety path either there are bloody footprints where there shouldn't be anything.

"I take the floor," I announce to Catherine who's already lost in her contemplation of the bodies and the casts on the walls.

I go upstairs and the first room I pass by is the master bedroom. It is completely tainted with blood, this time they didn't even bother changing the sheets.

I've been processing the room for a dozen of minutes when something catches my ears. My first reflex is to believe that I'm having hearing hallucination. I focus on the evidence I have in hands only to hear another thump. "Catherine?" I call. I wait but I meet no answer. I bag my evidence and then exit the master bedroom. I walk cautiously and as silently as possible. "Catherine?" I call again. This time I hear something coming from on of the rooms further in the corridor.

I draw my gun out in the direction of the sound and walk in the corridor. "Catherine? Is that you?"

My heart starts to pound in my chest as adrenaline kicks in. I get in the first bedroom and inspect it, nothing. I walk out and enter the second bedroom and look around thoroughly. I hear someone coming close to the door so I raise my gun, holding my breath. I pull back the safety, just as I turn around I see Catherine in the doorway.

"Don't shoot!" she says raising quickly her hands in surrender, startled at my move.

"Geez," I say before closing my eyes and I take a deep breath. "You scared the shit out of me," I tell her. I can feel my blood pulsing in my temples.

"So did you, you could have shot me there," she reprimands me. "What are you doing anyway?"

"I heard a sound and I…" I don't have a chance to finish my thought as the sounds starts again louder. Cath and I both look at each other. I pass her by and raise my gun again, walking to the last bedroom. I hear more than I see Catherine taking her gun out of her holster, ready to cover my back if need be. I push the door open in a swift movement keeping my gun ready. There are bloody footprints on the carpet. I walk slowly toward the source of the noise. I gasp at the vision meeting me behind the bed. "Bloody hell."

I put my safety back and put back my gun where it belongs and rush toward the body of a young boy lying in the floor in what I assume to be his blood. He mustn't be older than 10, his shirt is coated with blood, my first impulse is to check his pulse, so I take out my gloves and rest my fingertips against his jugular.

"Sara what…" Catherine trails off.

"He's still breathing," I state and the boy moans before drowning in unconsciousness. "Call an ambulance," I glance at her and she's standing still, petrified. "Catherine," I call her but she just stairs at the body, she doesn't blink, she doesn't move. "Catherine!" I call her forcefully, breaking her trance. She grabs her phone and dials the number for our backup. She gives them the needed information.

She kneels near me and puts her hands over one wound that is still bleeding. I don't know how long he's been there, but I curse myself for not noticing the noise before. The pulse under my fingertips is faint, barely there… then it's gone. I rest my head on his chest looking for a beat. I hear none. "Cath we need to give him a CPR. Can you give him oxygen?" I ask with hurry, more in a rhetorical way than anything.

We do what we have to hoping to keep him alive until the EMT barge in the room. Everything happen in a blur then, we manage to get a pulse back so he's taken to the hospital and we follow the ambulance with our car.

Once we arrive at the hospital we are bound to wait and hope for the best. Catherine is sitting besides me looking at loose ends. I never saw her losing her composure like right now. She's probably wrapped in the same feeling of guilt as me. We worked for about twenty minutes without noticing him….twenty precious minutes went to waste. I'm also angry, because there's no way the officer who was supposed to clear the house could have miss this little boy… Rayner according to his curb chain.

"He's going to be okay, right?" she asks with pleading eyes.

"He's in good hands," I reply. All I know, it's that Rayner was in a critical state. "I'm sure they're doing their best."

"Please tell me that he's going to be okay."

She's looking desperate, almost child-like. It breaks my heart to see her like this, I want to wrap her in my arms and never let go, I never want to see her like that again, I'm filled with the urge to protect her. I take her hand in mine and she turns to me, surprised at the contact but she doesn't reject it. "He's going to be okay," I say, not really convinced about it but desperately needing to believe it.

After a long silence she sighs and lets go of my hand. "We have to wash our hands, we have to go back at the crime scene, we have to finish our job, we have to find who did this," she says with anger.

I don't protest and just stand up to go to the bathroom and wash my hands clean. The last time we heard something they said it will take hours and that it's pretty bad. I don't want to go, but Cath's right, we have to find who's behind all this, and we have to put an end to it. There's nothing worse than stay here waiting. Soon enough we're back at the crimes scene. We work thoroughly and look for any medical record and relative to call.

When we finally finish processing the evidence we ask the officers there to drop them at the lab for us while we go back to the hospital.

We sit down again next to each other. My hand is on the edge of the chair, just like Catherine's, our pinkie fingers are touching. We don't talk but as seconds tick by, our hands get closer and closer, and within minutes our fingers are entwine together, our thumbs caressing each other's skin in subtle motion.

I couldn't explain but the feeling of her hand in mine soothes me, it feels right.

I don't know how much time pass but we never let go of each other's hands.

"Catherine?"

The spell is broken in a nanosecond our hands disentangle themselves as fast and subtly as they had entwined themselves. We stand up at the same time and turn to meet Cameron's figure.

"Baby, are you alright?" she asks with concern. "Are you hurt?"

I step back giving her some privacy, and I couldn't explain why but I feel like I had just been stabbed. There's an ache in my chest that I can't explain, and I hate feeling like an intruder.

"Yeah I'm ok," Catherine answers.

"I wanted to surprise you and take you out to lunch, when I went to pick you up at work they told me you where in the hospital and…"

"I'm fine," Catherine reassure Cameron.

Cameron takes her eyes away from Catherine for the first time and acknowledges my presence. "Sara," she nods in my direction.

"Cameron."

"Are you alright?" she asks but unlike for Catherine there's no warmth in her voice or real concern.

"Yeah," I reply flatly, for a reason I don't know my body is tensed and one of my fists is balled tightly.

Catherine explains her what happened and Cameron insists on taking her back home. Catherine protests a bit, saying that she wants to be there when the doctors will give us some news, finally I tell Catherine to go home while I'll stay at the hospital. I wasn't expecting our parting to be painful, but surprisingly it was, and as soon as I couldn't see her anymore I felt empty, hurt and something else that I couldn't put my finger on.

I stay in the hospital 45 more minutes, then a doctor informs me that Rayner is in a coma, that his state is stable but not very good. We have yet to find his relatives. I sigh and decide to go to Rayner's room before going home. I sit next to his bed and hold his hand. As stupid as it sounds I don't want him to be alone. According the pictures we saw at his house he has siblings, people that will be there as soon as we reach them, but until then I shouldn't be alone, no one should be alone during rough times.

When I go back home I go straight to my shower and stay in it for a long time, blood is a hard thing to get rid of. Even if you don't see it, you still feel like it was all over you, and this iron smell is just nauseating. It always manages to open the gates of forbidden memories.

When I finally go to bed, I finally relax as soon as my head hit the pillow. But the rest is short lived, because some minutes later I'm hit by a town of bricks under the shape of a realisation. I jump out of bed and start to pace like a mad woman locked up.

I leave my apartment and drive for twenty minutes before knocking on a door.

"Sara?" Warrick asks more than surprised.

"Shit, I woke you up," I say in a hurry. "I shouldn't have come, sorry," I starting to turn around but he grabs my wrists gently.

"It's okay, you know you can come at anytime."

He invites me in and I start making in his living room. He sits on his couch and watches me, waiting for me to talk.

"I got feelings…" I blurt out. "When I was with her at the hospital it felt right, it's like we had finally find our peace together, and then she came in and….and…I didn't know what I was feeling… and then it hits me…jealousy…I was jealous of her….Cameron?...I was jealous, I am jealous, and then I realized that jealousy does come alone….no….I have feeling for Catherine….I don't know what feelings, but I have feelings, and they're powerful…and it's wrong…because….I'm not ready… I can't feel something like that….it's too soon…I can't do this…I can't feel this way….it's wrong…unfair to Nancy…and…and it scares the hell out of me… and…" I start to choke and I try to breathe but oxygen refuses to feel my lungs.

"Doll, breathe deep, you're having a panic attack," Warrick says as he stands up to take me in his arms. I clutch onto him as if my life depended on it. "It's alright…"

"I'm scared…petrified…"

"It's going to be okay, I promise," he says and kisses my head before rocking my gently in a soothing motion, not letting go of me.

xxxxx

A week passes by and my days are pretty much the same. I go to work, I go to the hospital have some time with Rayner and then I go to Nancy have some time with her and the boys. Rayner is still in a coma and his state hasn't evolved whatsoever. I met his three elder brothers, they are all in college in another state. Apparently the couple we found in the house was their mother and step father.

Nancy even went with me twice. I won't say that we are back on good terms but we're getting there. Today we're going to Megan and Tommy's for a dinner party, Warrick is coming with us actually.

The evening is pleasant but I can't say I'm really there. My body is there, but my mind is far from the party, I'm a rather bad company, but Nancy and Warrick seem to do fine on their own. I excuse myself to them as I receive a call from Ryan, one of Rayner's brothers, telling me that Rayner is awake.

I rush at the hospital with a feeling of relief rushing through me. When I arrive I flash my badges and rush to Rayner's floor. The smile that I was sporting all the way there fades away as soon as my eyes lie on Ryan and his brother. I walk to them and looking at them with questions in my eyes.

Rob, the older brother comes to me and looks at me sadly. He reaches out his hand and takes mine, he pushes something in it, when I look at my hand I see my medal. I had given Rayner a medal of St Christopher, to find his way back. One look in their eyes and I know for sure.

I shake my head, incomprehension and dismay invading me. "You said…how?...It can't be…" I start to choke in despair and tears spill out of my eyes. Rob just takes me in his arms and holds me as I cry.

xxxxx

I've been staring at her door; trying to sum up some strength before knocking. When she opens the door she's stunned to see me there. It feels like a century since the last time I actually touched that door, and ages since I've been anywhere near this house.

"What are you doing here?" she asks me with confusion.

"I know…I shouldn't be here…I'm sorry…but…can I come in?"

Catherine hesitates for some seconds but eventually opens the door wider and lets me in. I stay near the door and look at my shoes. "I have…something to tell you….something important…" I mumble.

"And it couldn't have waited until work time?" she asks slightly irritated.

"No…"

She sighs. "Do you want a coffee or something?"

"No…" I finally gather enough courage to face her. She frowns as she sees my eyes. "It's not easy to say…"

"Sara?"

I take a deep breath "Rayner died just an hour ago," I announce.

She stairs at me blankly. Her eyes display surprise, hurt, confusion and then something I hadn't expected, anger. She shoves me violently "Get out of here," she orders me but I don't move. "Get out," she pushes me "GET OUT!"

"I'm sorry…"

"You liar!" she shoves me again. "Liar! You said he'd be okay," she pushes me again. I stay still, not fighting back, not protesting. "It's your fault!" she accuses me, "You should have found him sooner! You were the on the floor, you were the one closer to him! Why didn't you check the rooms? It's your fault!" her voice is full of anger and resent.

I reach out and take her in my arms but she struggles and starts to punch my shoulders with her fists "You said it be okay! Liar, liar…" tears are streaming down her face, the more she hits me the more I pull her closer to me. Her strength slowly give out and I hold her tight against me "Liar….liar…." she sobs.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I repeat her.

Her knees buckle and then her legs decide not to hold her up anymore, I withhold her fall and provide her a gentle landing on the floor. I still hold her against my chest as her sobs rack through her body, reverberating painfully in my heart.

Once her sobs subside a little I gather her in my arms as if she was a child and she holds me tightly, burying her head in the crook of my neck. I take her to her bedroom and gently put her on the covers. She doesn't let go of me though, I look at her eyes and for a moment I get lost in there. She silently asks me not to leave her and I don't really have strength in me to resist or protest so I lie down nest to her and she snuggles on my side. I hold her and feel her tears through my shirt, soon Morpheus wraps us both in his embrace.

xxxxx

I open my eyes, I'm a bit disoriented and my head is pounding badly. I look around and try to remember what happened. As my eyes fall on the doorway I see Cameron watching me.

Wait a minute…

What is she doing at the doorway of my bedroom? I feel something, or rather someone moving to snuggle deeper on my side. I look down and see Cath sound asleep.

Shit.

I stir and try to sit up. "Catherine, you need to wake up," I shake her gently. "Catherine…"

Catherine eventually comes to, and blinks slowly. "What?" she mumbles sleepily.

"Cameron."

This only word is enough to make her more alert. She turns her head to the door and sees her girlfriend looking at us stoically. "Please, don't break this moment on my account," Cameron says flatly before turning around, and disappearing of our field of vision.

Cath sighs deeply and put her hand over her face. "Shit…" she whispers before sitting up on the edge of the bed..

I stand up and go after Cameron. She's standing in the living room, leaning against the island. I face her. "It's not what you think….nothing happened…"

"Yeah…" she snorts bitterly.

"Look, something bad happened and…"

"Spare me," she cuts me off. Her look is sharp and filled with cold rage.

"Listen…"

"I said: spare me," she repeats slowly through her teeth. "Get out of my face."

I stare at her but don't move.

"Now," she adds.

I shake my head and sigh. I turn around and return in the bedroom. Cath is still sitting on the edge of the bed. I kneel in front of her. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cause you trouble."

She looks at me with intensity. One of her hands cups my cheek and her thumb traces my lips. She's about to say something but then just drops her hand down. "You should go."

"I'm sorry," I repeat.

"I know."

We have a hard time tearing our eyes apart but eventually I break the contact. I stand up and leave.

Cameron is still in the living room but this time she's facing me with her fists balled and her breathing is shallow. I get close to her. "Just think about hurting her…" I threat her calmly.

"Get the hell out of here."

We stare at each other for a long moment, then I go to the door and leave.

* * *

**Uh oh... it smells like troubles around here. Let's get this party started then...XD**

**Thanks for reading.**


	40. Chapter 40

**Hey everyone, sorry for the delay but I've been busy. I'll try not to take too much time for the next update. **

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: a special thank to you **scuby **, thanks for your patience, and all the arguments.**

Immi** let's hope you'll like this one like lollipops ;)****

* * *

Chapter 40: Catherine**

I'm trying to make the world disappear, but it seems that burying my head in my hands doesn't work for it.

Sara just left my house, which is something since it had been months since she had put a step in here for the last time. Why did I let her in? Easy, she knocked, that gesture on itself was a big deal. She as confused and upset and for a moment I thought she was maybe about to tell me what I've been desperately praying for her to tell me for the past two years. It turned out that she was here to announce me Rayner's death.

Rayner, an eleven year old boy, who just happened to be home when the killers we've been after for months now decided to kill his parents. He was still alive when we arrived on the scene, but it was over twenty minutes before we actually found him. Twenty minutes of long agony, twenty minutes that could have made the difference…now, he's dead, because we weren't observant enough.

To say I was devastated would be an understatement, I was mad, mad at myself, mad at Sara, at everything, because it shouldn't have gone like this. I broke down and Sara caught me…

She held me while I was crying, she took me to bed and we fell asleep in each other's arms at some point.

It felt right, and I've never been so at peace with myself than when I was in her arms. That's where I belong.

The wake up call was rather harsh though, Cameron was staring at us from the doorway.

Now she's probably waiting for me to explain what happened. I should feel guilty, I should feel bad, but I don't, I don't care at all. I just want Sara to come back and to hold me again. Obviously Cameron and I have reached the point of no return, there's no point to keep on with the great illusion now. I was hoping to make a clean cut, but I think that this hope just flew out the window when she found Sara and I in bed.

I sigh deeply.

"I'm sure you're going to come up with some really good explanation as to why that bitch was in our bed," Cameron's never been one to lose her temper. She's the calm type, but you have to beware the sleeping water, when it's raging then it's your worst nightmare.

"Hello to you too," I answer flatly.

"Explain it," she prompts "Explain why you were draped all over that…that…woman."

"Would you please mind your voice level I have a headache."

"Oh sorry honey…. DO I LOOK LIKE I GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOUR HEADACHE RIGHT NOW?!" she shouts and I cringe. "So?"

"So what?"

"Are you trying to piss me off?"

"Because you are calm right now?" I reply. "Rayner died, I cried myself out, she comforted me, the end."

"I don't give a flying fuck about someone named Rayner," she's heaving. "I want to know why my girlfriend was in bed with another woman!"

"Are you deaf or something? I just told you, she was comforting me."

"Comforting… is that what you're calling it these days?"

"Oh jeez, you're tiring me," I sigh in exasperation.

"Did you fuck her?" she slams her hand on the dresser.

"No."

"Don't you fucking lie to me, Catherine!"

"I'm not lying, you're tripping."

"You're a liar! I don't know the last time you slept that close to me….much less on me, but she's just here to comfort you and you're all over like some…some…admit it Catherine, you're fucking her," she's enraged and I know that she's not up for a conversation, she's not listening to me, anger is blinding her. "Ten months… ten months and you've probably been running around with her since day one…"

I just sigh and try to get out of the room but she puts herself in front of me refusing to let me go.

"I haven't forgotten how she treated me at your sister's that night or how she'd show up here on our steps…" she keeps on blocking my way so I can't get out, even though I'm trying to remain calm I start to be a bit edgy with her behaviour. I never saw her like that and the look in her eyes is kind of creepy.

"Let me through," I order.

"I haven't forgotten how you were so angry and bitter after the least little tiff with her…"

"Let me through," I repeat with clenched teeth.

"You can lie to me all you want, but I _know_ something's going on between the two of you…"

"Cameron, let me through!" I say forcefully but she keeps blocking me.

"Did your sister know? Is that why she broke up with that whore?"

This time I push her and pass her by. "You're going to pack your things and get the hell out of here," I announce. "I'm done with you."

"I'm not done with you," she seethes before grabbing my wrist in a firm grip. She pulls me to her then pushes me against the corridor wall. "All those nights….was it her you imagined was beside you? Did you wish it was her hands and her mouth moving over your body?" she's breathing like a bull ready to charge.

"Let me go," I try to pull myself free.

"Fucking liar…" she insults me "You looked at me in the eye after making your little act and told me you loved me….you lied to me! How much did you enjoy fucking me over? Uh?!" she shakes me a little.

"Let me go Cameron, you're hurting me," I protest with a wince as I'm using all my strength to get out of her painful hands.

"I love you Cameron," she whines. She grabs my chin and forces me to look at her with her other hand. "Come on, lie to me once more," she tightens her grip on me. "Come on and say it again, humor me."

"Let me go, you're hurting me," I repeat mad at myself for being so powerless.

"You're a heartless, lying bitch, you didn't give a damn about crushing my feelings. I don't think you realize how badly I want you to swallow your medicine. You're just a bitch and…"

She's shoved backward forcefully and falls on the floor, the force of the movement shakes me but I manage to stay stand. Suddenly Sara is standing in front of me. "Didn't I warn you?!" Sara says angrily.

Cameron stands up and walks to Sara and shoves her "Give me a fucking break."

"Don't push me, I'm warning you," Sara threats. Her fists are balled tightly and she's breathing deeply, like she always does when she's about to snap badly. "Get your things and get out of here…" she orders.

Sara then turns to me and looks at me with concerns "Are you okay?"

I don't get a chance to answer as Cameron turns Sara around and send her a mean hook by surprise. Sara steps back a bit with the motion, but then she punches Cameron back with such a blunt force that Cameron literally flies to the ground. As I see Sara ready to go on Cameron I hold her back "Sara, don't, stop it," I plead.

"If you ever…EVER… lay a hand on her again…" Sara starts.

"You'll what, Sara?" Cameron stands up.

"I'm going to…" Sara starts, but then Cameron punches her one more time.

Sara charges Cameron and put her on the floor, in seconds she's straddling her, punching her hard. "You wanna know what I'll do if you ever lay a hand on her again?"

I grab Sara's arm before it lands down on Cameron again and hold on it tight "Sara, stop it!"

They are both looking at each other with rage, Sara is holding Cameron by the collar with a fist. "Sara, let her go!" I demand. "Cameron get your things and leave. I don't ever want to see you again."

"You think I'm kidding?" Sara asks Cameron as if she hadn't heard me at all. "You try me," she threats before letting go of Cameron, she stands up and back away, but stays between me and Cameron.

Sara is heaving and staring at Cameron, silently daring her to attack her again. She turns to me and immediately her stare becomes soft and caring. "You want me to stay until she leaves?"

"You don't have to," I reply.

She looks over her shoulder at Cameron who's standing up again, but doesn't give any sign of wanting another round. "I'd feel better if I did," she smiles reassuringly.

"You two deserve each other…the only person I feel sorry for here is Nancy," Cameron says with despise.

"Whatever, just pack your things and disappear," Sara replies with a sharp tone.

"That's what I'm doing, so you can go back to the little fuckfest I must have interrupted," she enters the bedroom and starts to throw her things in a pile. I have to say that there wasn't much except her clothes. She grabs the frame holding a picture of us on what used to be her nightstand, throws it on the ground and breaks it with her foot.

"Don't forget to give me my keys back," I remind her as she gets out of the room again with a bag.

"Your keys?" Cameron repeats. She reaches in her pocket and takes out her key chains, she slides my set out and throws it on me.

"You know what? I've had enough of this," Sara says before grabbing Cam by the arm and pulling her to the door. She opens the door and shoves Cameron outside.

"May you two rot in hell," Cameron tells bitterly as a goodbye.

Sara closes the door and then focus on me. "Are you alright?" she asks again. I don't know how to answer. I'm trying to process what happened. "I forgot my cell, so I came back and then I heard you saying she was hurting you, lucky me the door wasn't locked… I shouldn't have left you alone with her… I'm sorry," she takes my wrist delicately in her hands and frowns at it. I have a fair skin so it doesn't take me much to mark. "Jeez, if I hadn't kicked her already…" she mutters.

I hook my fingers under her chin and take a look at her face. She'll have nasty bruises tomorrow, her cheek is already swelling and her bottom lip is split, her right temple is open and her knuckles are red. "We should take care of you," I tell her.

I lead her to the kitchen and sit her down. I grab the first aid kit and put it on the table, then I put ice in a plastic pocket and put it on her cheek. She winces at the contact but then puts her hand over mine to maintain the pocket and looks at me intently, she caresses the back of my hand with her thumb. We stay like that a bit but then I pull my hand back and start to take care of her lip and temple.

We don't exchange words while I take care of her, at least not any spoken one, however our eyes do speak volume. I kiss her temple once I've put a Power Puff Girls band aid on it. Then I pull back but our faces are close to one another. Her hand comes to rest on my cheek and I can't help the gasp escaping my lips at the contact. I feel her leaning in but I recoil my face avoiding the contact of our lips.

She looks away, probably embarrassed at her actions. She stands up and starts to leave but I follow her and grab her wrist gently before she reaches the door. She looks at me, I ask her silently to stay. I need her around, it's comforting and I need her to hold me, to erase what just happened and protect me against the world, I know I can't stay on my own right now.

She leads us to the couch and makes us sit, then she takes me in her arms, and lies down. We stay like this, not talking. She holds me and I take all her affection, and care, I let it all wrap me in a protective bubble of warmth.

Against my will, tears start to fall and my body starts to shake. Sara caresses my hair, kisses my crown and holds me tighter against her.

I'm wishing hard for the time to stop, for I don't ever want her to let me go.

xxxxx

Sara left me two hours ago. It was hard to let her go, to let go this feeling of safety. We didn't talk much, not that many words were needed. We talked with our eyes and our bodies. It was like we couldn't disentangle ourselves from one another. When she finally let me out of her embrace for good, I felt empty, incomplete, like a big part of my body had gone with her, like the main part of my body had gone with her, and it did just like always, my heart stopped beating when she left.

The three hours parting us from work went pretty fast though and I couldn't have been more grateful about it. When I arrive at the lab, and walk to the break room I hear the guys talking animatedly.

"You can tell us who did this Sara," Warrick says.

"Yeah, we're not going to kill them…maybe just give them a lesson about not touching you ever again," Nick adds

"Guys I'm fine," Sara sighs.

"You don't really expect us not to be worried when you're all bruised," Greg replies.

"You don't have to be afraid Sar, we'll make sure this doesn't happen again," Nick tells her with concern.

"Definitely," Warrick backs Nick up.

"Guys, seriously I'm fine. I do appreciate your concern, but I know how to defend myself, believe me whoever did this is looking worse than I do right now."

"So you won't tell us?" Nick asks.

"No, it won't change anything and then the matter is closed. I'm fine, thanks for looking after me and care like you do, you have my word, I'm fine," Sara repeats. "Now if you'll excuse me I have some work to do," she says standing up and exiting the break room, she's so lost in thought that she doesn't see me on her way out.

I take a deep breath and go in the break room to take some coffee.

"Hey Cath," they greet me. They come close to me looking a bit uncomfortable.

"Hmmm…Do you know if Sara is seeing a guy or anybody right now?" Nick tiptoes.

"No, why?"

"You'll see her soon, she has been beaten up and we were wondering if she was in a bad relationship you know."

"Yeah," I nod.

"Well, she refused to tell us any detail. In my opinion there's nothing we can do now, but if it happens again, hell will break loose," Warrick states firmly.

"That's for sure, nobody roughs up our girl and get away with it easily, "Greg adds.

They are all pretty upset, but I can understand them. We're family, and we always stick together, so when one of us is in trouble we try to be there for them.

They all leave the break room still seething and I feel guilt overwhelming me. After all it is my fault if Sara looks like she had had a round with Tyson.

Those work is quiet, three hours go by before I can go and look for Sara. I find her in her usual lab, she's massaging her temples as if to chase away a headache.

"Hey," I breathe out.

She lifts her head and looks at me with a soft gaze. "Hey there."

I walk to her slowly and sit on the chair next to hers. We're looking at each other with a mix of care and shyness. After the connection we shared earlier I suppose we don't really know where we're standing. She looks tired and her face is bruised. It's funny because earlier her wounds didn't look as bad as they do now.

"How are you?" I ask her.

"I feel like I've been hit by a truck," she chuckles weakly and then winces a bit.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"No it's not, I'm sorry it happened."

Her hand finds my wrist on the table and she strokes it gently. "I'm the one sorry. I mean, an argument was to be expected, but if I had known she'd be like that I wouldn't have left you alone with her, I've stupid."

"You couldn't know, it was the first time she was like that with me…anyway," I sigh.

She turns to look at me and we lock our eyes with each other. I can feel my heartbeat increase simply losing myself in her eyes. I reach out a hand touch her bruised cheek. She flinches a bit so I pull back my hand but she tilts her head against it, asking for the contact. I rest my palm on her cheek and keep looking at her.

"Thank you… for being there for me," I thank her.

She puts her hand over mine and then kisses my palm delicately, letting her lips linger a bit. "You're welcome."

A shrinking sound makes us jerk away. She looks for her beeper and read it. One second later my own beeper comes to life. We have a new crime scene.

We take our cars and it's only twenty minutes before we arrive. The crime is fresh and the officers let us know that they are running after the suspects.

Coming in the house we know that it's our killers and that they apparently barely have time to do all they wanted. Or they're just past the point where they care.

The first thing we do when we enter the house is to check every room and every corner, Rayner's memory very fresh on my mind. After hours of processing, we come up with the usual evidence, plus some more. Even better we have an eye witness.

We interview our witness once we are back at the lab. He's the neighbour of Mr. and Mrs Randall and he was supposed to play some board game with them. Apparently the killers had enough nerve to wait until the police came before leaving the scene. Unfortunately the officers lost their traces but we do have a description. We now know that we're looking for a man and a woman, brown hair, lanky, Caucasian. Admittedly it doesn't narrow the list of suspect but at least we're not running after ghosts.

The pillow store led us to a man who sells what he buys with his own company which only works at distance. He told us that he had one regular costumer who only wanted this bran of pillow, and that the deliveries the same address.

The said address led us to another person who was like a land man because he only took care of the object until the owner decided to come and get it, but he seldom if ever sees the owners, so basically it was a dead end.

The credit cards, led us to a society which was legal, yet we haven't managed to talk to any manager so far.

There's something weird between Sara and I. We're not fighting but everything is awkward, yet gentle, caring, fragile.

xxxxx

Rob and Ryan, Rayner's brothers asked us to come at the funeral. We're supposed to stay detached in our job, because if we start to feel too much for the victim our empathy might burn us badly, to we're supposed to have some distance and not to let our feelings take us over. We're supposed to. But what kind of human being would we be if we really did?

It wasn't really option for Sara and I, so we agreed to go.

Ever since she throw out Cameron, I haven't spoken much to Sara and that was four days ago. Except for the case we had together we haven't had more than five minutes in each other's presence and maybe it's for the best. I mean after Cameron's episode I needed time to set things in order again and to have time for myself.

We have decided to go separately at the funeral. My first surprise when I arrive in the graveyard is to see Nancy standing next to Sara. I feel like someone was squeezing my heart so hard that I can't breathe. They're holding hands and their fingers are entwined together. I make my presence known but I keep a safe distance.

I don't think that I've felt as lonely as I do now before. I'm jealous of Nancy, because she's the one holding Sara. I feel at loose end, I want Sara to take me in her arms, to comfort me, and I want to be the one there for her.

The ceremony was beautiful and Rayner's brothers were really sweet and welcoming with us. We all went at their house afterwards, but none of us stayed too long, feeling like intruders in their family.

I come back home, alone, and except a few nods in Sara and Nancy's direction I haven't had any contact with them.

I arrived home twenty minutes ago and I feel really drained. I'm lying down on the couch trying to remember how it felt to be in Sara's arms not so long ago. The door bell rings and forces me to stand up.

When I open the door and the object of my affection is standing right in front of me. "Hey," she says. Anger and bitterness from earlier keeps me from answering her. "I…wanted to see how you were doing, since we didn't have much time earlier."

"I'm tired, I was actually going to sleep a bit," I reply sharply.

"Oh…"

I only want her to take me in her arms, wrapping me in her comforting embrace and then I want us to sleep in each other's arms. I can't really ask her that now, can I?

"Okay, well… I should go then…but if you need or want anything…call me," she says uncertain and then smiles. "I'll let you rest then," she adds before starting to go away.

I catch her wrist at the last time. To hell my ego, I need her, and I'm no fool to let her go. She turns to me and frowns. I pull her in the house. The air turns electric instantly. We stare at each other for a long moment, then I break the eye contact. I pull her along as I walk to my bedroom. I climb in bed and silently she follows me. Just as if it was the most natural thing in the world she takes me in her arms; wrapping me in a warm embrace, there I let go of everything and let peace fill me in.

xxxxx

"Lindsey, honey you're going to be late!" I call her from Nancy's living room. I sigh and hang my head before looking for my daughter.

When I come back in the living room Sara kisses Nancy on the mouth and then takes her in her arms. "I love you," she smiles before burying her head in Nancy's neck. Nancy chuckles and shakes her head, holding Sara tight.

I decide against getting back in the living room again and turn around again.

When I think that I was in Sara's arms not only three hours ago I feel sick right now. I should have known I'd be fucked over one more time. I guess what goes around goes around.

Now I'm mad though, I mean I would have thought that Sara was tired of playing with me. I'm not saying that we were heading to a relationship but she had me thinking that something was going on, something special, between us.

I'm done with that, I'm done with being treat that way.

xxxxx

Just my luck I had to be paired up with Sara today. There's a tension between us that is heavier than any times before. We haven't spoken at all, well I haven't, she has tried to communicate but I just ignored her. I have to tough myself up, I have to protect myself because obviously nobody's going to do it for me.

Fuck it.

I don't care anymore, I don't have anything left to lose and I'm tired of hiding what I feel and being a nice person..

"Congratulation about you and Nancy," I mumble.

"Me and Nancy?"

"You're back together, congratulation."

"Says who? Nancy and I aren't back together, why would you think that?"

"I didn't want to break your little moment in the living room earlier," I say in passing.

"What?" Sara is surprised. But it takes her only seconds to connect the dots. She chuckles. "I'm not back with Nancy, we're over, that was nothing, a friendly peck on the lips."

"Sure."

"Why don't you tell me what your problem is instead?" she snaps.

"You're my problem," I finally let out. "You see, it's been two years now that you've been nothing but a big problem for me."

"Wait a minute…"

"You're the reason I was unfair to Cameron, you're why my relationship with her never worked and never could have worked, you're actually the reason why I can't be with anybody…"

"Where is this coming from?" she asks confused.

"This is coming from me, I'm tired, tired to have to put up with this."

"I assume 'this' is me."

I park the car. We're not so far from the lab so I should keep driving and park there, but I can't take it and I'd rather not drive when I'm on the edge like this. "I need some air," I state as I'm exiting the car.

I hear the second Sara coming out of the car and slamming her door shut. She walks up to me and grabs my wrist in order to make me turn around and look at her. "What have I done? What did I do that's wrong?" she asks.

"You're here Sara. You're breathing, most of the time I wish you'd never come here."

"Come where? To Vegas?" she shakes her head. "I don't understand where this is all coming from, Cath."

"I hate you," I spit. She pales like I had punched her in the gut. "I hate you for being so oblivious… I hate you for….being so deep in here," I point my chest, "That I can't breathe or even think properly. I hate you for being who you are…I hate you for ruining my life like you do and not even noticing it…I hate the fact that I'm on my knees for you at the most simple gesture you'd do…I hate you for being able to make me weak with only one smile…I hate you for ruining me for anybody…but you want to know what I hate the most?" I ask rhetorically. I'm loosing a big weight from my chest, no turning back now. "What I hate the most is that I love you so much that it burns my chest every time I breathe… I love you so much that I can't even hate you… I love you like I never loved anybody and you don't even give a fuck about it… I'm dying of love for you and you don't even see it… I…"

The next thing I know is that her lips are connected with mine, her hands cupping my face. The kiss is deep, slow yet full of passion, and it holds something else, something that wasn't there in any of our kiss before.

I grip her shoulders so I won't fall and kiss her back. The kiss has the effect of a nuclear bomb, opening my heart, exposing it only seconds ago increase the sensation.

I pull back after a moment, but she pulls me back to her and kisses me again.

I pull back again "Do you…" I start. She was about to lean in but I recoil my face. "Do you love me?"

This time she's the one stepping back and looking at me silently. She mimics the fish out of water for a long moment and I just shake my head and walk away.

She grabs my wrist again "Wait…" I stop my walk and turn around. She opens her mouth but nothing comes out then she sighs.

"Do you love me?" I repeat and once again I'm just met with silence and a confused look.

I look away not to let my tears fall. "I can't do this, I can't be hurt again."

"But…"

I free myself from her grip and walk away, leaving her behind.

I'm at the end of my rope. Now I'll have it all or not at all. No in between, I'm done with it.

* * *

**Like I said we're almost there, keep having faith in me, we're inches away. ;)**

**Thanks for reading.**


	41. Chapter 41

**Hi everyone! I'm doing as fast as I can but I had exams and a lot of work...I made it long to compensate the demay.Ok, ok let's see where we're at...breaking Nancy and Sara...check...Getting Cameron out of the way...check...what to do, what to do...I don't know...any ideas?... ;)**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: **sucby** thanks for everything, this chapter wouldn't be there without you. Thank you, thank you ;)**

Immi**, I still think that procrastination can be good, thanks for giving me other things to forcus on (I'm still stuck in level 18 btw) ;)**

**AN: Major Apology to everyone I posted the wrong version of the chap last night - blame it on sickness or stress of my exams or both...anyway, no big changes but still.**

**

* * *

Chapter 41: Sara**

I am…

Brain dead. Yeah I think that's what I am right now, brain dead. I'm not sure I'm having a good grasp on whatever happened in the past five minutes.

First she hates me, then she loves me and then…wow.

She loves me?

How did that happed? Is this real? She's not kidding?

I think I'm having an out of body experience. I can see myself walking to the car and gathering our kits then entering the lab and do whatever I have to do.

People talk to me, I don't hear anything but seems like I'm actually answering. I don't know how I manage to do that because the only thoughts I have right now are: she loves me, Catherine Willows loves me, she loves me…

I find myself in front of her office door. What am I doing here or how did I get here in the first place, are two things I don't know. Her blinds are shut down a sure sign that she doesn't want to be disturbed and that you better have a good reason to go beyond that warning. I knock against my better judgement and wait for her assent, then I get in silently and close the door behind me.

"Can we talk?" I ask uncertain.

She looks up and if her expression is anything to go by she's not really happy to see me. She takes off her glasses and sits them on the desk. She closes her eyes and rubs her temples in a tired gesture, she starts to shake her head a little.

"Look…earlier…I'm not sure…"

"No," she interrupts me. "Sara…"

"What?"

"Don't," she says softly. "Just go…okay?" she asks more rhetorically than anything else. "Work on a case…do some paperwork…do something…but just go"

"But…I want to explain," I try.

"Sara, don't," she repeats. "I am… I can't do this okay?"

"You can't tell me…" I can't even finish my thoughts. "You can't do what? We're just talking here."

She sighs deeply. "I keep putting myself out there with you… I've done it for two years…and it only gets me hurt…I can't do it anymore."

"Two years…what are you talking about?"

"I'm begging you… please…please just leave."

She looks back at her papers and ignores me.

"Ignoring the matter isn't working…you messed with my head pretty good…I just want…I don't know…talk," I struggle with my words.

"Stop…okay…just stop," she puts her hands up as if she could block my words like that. I open my mouth to protest but close it immediately as nothing comes out of it. "I asked you one question…one simple question…and you couldn't answer…" she snorts. "Actually you did answer, your silence spoke volumes."

"You call that a simple question?" I reply. "You took me off guard."

"How can you act like you have no idea how I feel about you ?!?" She puts her hands on her hips and shakes her head and walks toward the door. "I'm not doing this with you, not anymore….I'm getting off the rollercoaster."

"Wait…this is a lot to take in," I defend myself. "I mean…I know there was something but this…."

"Something?" she repeats before laughing bitterly. "You knew there was something…"

"Yeah…I was there too when we kissed and…"

"I'm done Sidle," she says firmly, not even giving me a chance. She crosses her arms over her chest. "Just go."

"But…I…"

"No buts…"

"So that's it? Can I…can I get a chance to put it all in order?" I'm at loss for words and it frustrates me. I'm unable to make a point or having a coherence thought for that matter.

"Why did you come here? What was coming in here and talk supposed to accomplish?" I realise now that she's not as much upset as she is defeated and hurt.

"I don't know," there's not much that I know right now, but I think that this was the obvious part of it all. I look away then look back at her. "Did you mean it?" I whisper. "All this…did you mean it?"

She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath, all composure leaving her. She walks to the couch and lets herself sink down on it and hangs her head down. Her voice is a mere whisper now "I meant every single word…"

"Cath…" I trail off. "I don't know what to say," what a change, jeez Sidle, a little effort here would be appreciated.

"I know…you don't feel the same way," she says matter-of-factly. "I just…" she looks at me. "I couldn't keep acting…hoping…that sooner or later it would all just be okay.

I walk to her with cautious steps and sit next to her. "You really threw me for a loop," I state. "I…I can't say love…but I do…have feelings for you," I admit.

"Please don't, okay? Please don't just say what you think I want to hear to make me happy," she gets defensive.

"I'm not, I mean it."

She looks at me with a frown then she looks away. "What is that supposed to mean?" she asks looking at the floor. "You…have feelings for me? What kind of feelings?" she tiptoes.

"This is all new for me," I tell her honestly. "Feelings…that make me want to be with you all the time," my voice is soft, I reach out a hand and put back one of her locks behind her ear. "Feelings…that make me want to touch you," she bites her lip. "Feelings…that make me want to spend time with you…" I lean in and give her lips a feather like kiss. She closes her eyes at the contact.

I pull back and watch her opening her eyes slowly and looking at me with confusion, vulnerability and fear. "Why?"

"Why what?" I return her question.

"Why are you telling me now?" she elaborates.

"Like I said…it's all new, I'm just getting used to them."

She snorts a bit. "And what? You just realised you had 'feelings' for me, that's it?"

"Yeah," I frown not understanding where all her bitterness comes from.

She looks at me intently and I feel like she had just erected a wall between us. She stands and walks to the window of her office. Her back is facing me as she's staring outside.

"Cath?"

"You really should go Sara,"' she says flatly, not even looking at me.

"Is it what you want?"

"No…" she replies. "I want you to want me the way I want you…to need me…to love me," she shakes her head but keeps on staring outside. "But that's not going to happen."

"Cath…I..."

"You what, Sara?"

"Did you hear what I said?"

She turns to me and looks at me with her piercing blue eyes. Her stare is cold, emotionless "No."

Now that hurts. I look at her, not knowing what to say. Obviously it's a lost battle for me. She sighs heavily and turns away again, facing the window. I'm staying still, waiting for a sign that this isn't over, but she doesn't move. I stand from the couch and go to the door.

"Fine," I say. Before leaving the room.

xxxxx

Two days later I haven't heard of Cath nor seen her at work. I supposed she took some days off. I decided against going at her place and try to talk again. Besides I don't know much more than before, if nothing I'm more lost.

I'm at Nancy, we just had a nap together. It's funny because now I realise how different it is. I mean, it's still a good feeling to have her in my arms but it's different. We don't have naps together as much as we used to, but every now and then it's something we do, to get comfort from one another. It's different in so far as this little feeling of elation I used to have when we'd be in each other's arms before, has been replaced by comfort and affection.

She's chopping vegetables while I'm having a cup of cocoa on the island.

"This is nice, isn't it?" she says out of the blue.

"What is?"

"The two of us…still being able to be close like this…even after all we've been through," she elaborates. "I mean, how many of our friends do we know that are still civil with their ex's?"

"Not much, not any actually," I think. "I agree, it's really nice."

"I still feel like I can tell you anything…how about you?"

I find her behaviour a bit strange. She's tense I can tell that much, her shoulders are rigid and her moves lack their usual grace. Something tells me that she's pissed, I can't say why though.

"So do I," I reply.

Nancy and I have always had a good relationship even if we've been through a rough period lately we've always been open and we've always talked a lot, without any taboo or secrets, so her questions seem more than a little odd.

"Good…that's really good," she muses. "So…how about telling me what's going on then?"

"What do you mean?" okay, so maybe I didn't tell her everything but I thought that 'not discussing Catherine' was a common agreement.

She looks at me, raising an eyebrow. "Don't pretend that I know so little about you, Sar… something is eating at you…I know it…I can see it and I have decent idea what…or who…it might be…"

"Yeah…Rayner is still in my mind," that's true.

"Rayner…yeah…that must be what's bothering Catherine too, isn't it?" she looks at me sideways, frustration evident in her voice.

"What do you mean?"

She stops cutting the vegetables with a sharp gesture and just looks at me. "Sara…you're an open book, much like my sister, you don't do a very good job of hiding anything…especially from someone who knows you as intimately as I do. Now, how about we just cut the crap and you tell me what's going on? I'm sure this thing with Rayner still weighs heavy on you…and Catherine… but I'd bet tenure on the fact that someone else is why her ass is parked in Jude's spare room for the next week," she says vehemently waving her knife around to accent nearly every word.

"You know…I'd be more inclined to talk and reassured if you'd put that knife down," I reply a bit nervously.

She sits the knife down "As you wish," she's a bit calmer but still pissed off. "Now, tell me, what the hell is going on?" she crosses her arms over her chest, one of her common point with her sister when she's on her nerves.

My brain starts to catch up with her words. "She's at Jude's?" I frown.

"Yes she's at Jude's…which mean that not only we have the boys this week, but we also have Lindsey, not that I mind having her around, I love the pumpkin like she was my own…So don't you forget to include her when you go to pick up everybody this week," she tells me.

"Dang…" I mutter.

"So if you know something – and I know you do – better spill it. Jude said that she showed up, bag in tow… and went into his spare room, she has only come out for meals."

"Oh…" I breathe out.

"Oh," she repeats and looks at me sharply. "That's the best you can do, oh?"

"She…" I trail off, then silence settles between us for a long minute.

"She what?" Nance enquires. "Why is this like pulling a tooth with you, Sara?"

"We… she hates me, that's what she said, she hates me."

"Why does she hate you….this time?"

"…Because she loves me…" I confess in a whisper.

"She what???" Nancy jumps.

I look at her and see a myriad of emotions from hurt, to surprised, to angry, to defeated, to hurt again. she's breathing heavily and tries to calm herself. That was the reason why I never thought about talking her about the things going on. Plus she made me a request, I never thought she'd come back on it.

"She loves you," she mutters as she walks away from me. She closes her eyes and breathes deep. "That's a surprise to say the least but I can't really say it was hardly unexpected," she chuckles humourlessly.

I frown at her answer and then shake my head. "I think I should go," I announce before getting off of my stool.

"Sara..." she sighs. "Don't go…we need to talk about this, okay?"

"No, no, I shouldn't stay," I protest.

"Yes, you should."

"I shouldn't have said anything," I muse. "I don't want to lose you and…this is messed up."

Nancy holds out her hand "Come on." I look at her uncertain of whether or not I should stay. I finally take her hand in mine as she leads us on the couch. "Good girl," she winks at me.

"Now," she pulls me down the couch. "Let's talk about this like adults."

"But…she's…your sister," I stammer.

"And she'll always be, just like you'll always be my Sara," she cups my cheek in a comforting gesture. "Now, tell me what happened."

"Nance…. Are you sure about this?"

She laughs a bit "No, but I'm here, I'm asking," she replies. "I'm sure there will be an empty bottle of merlot in response to this." I look at her with guilt. "I'm just kidding," she shakes her head.

"I love you," I tell her. I know she knows it, but I feel the need to remind her. I'll never figure out what I have ever done to deserve her. I mean, even though it's not easy for her, she's willing to put up with all this.

"I love you too," she forces me to look at her. "But this isn't' about the two of us, okay?"

I nod. I take a deep breath and decide to speak. "So…we were driving back at the lab and then…out of the blue she congratulates me for being back with you."

"Why would she think…" she starts but stops herself. "Never mind, go on."

"She saw us in the kitchen…after Rayner's funeral."

Nancy takes a second or two, but eventually realisation drowns to her. Rayner's death has been really hard on me. Nancy proposed to go with me at the funeral and I couldn't have been more grateful for that. She has been there for me and allowed me to lean against her. Afterwards, she's had the right words to comfort me and helping me going through this. In spite of everything Nancy and I share a closeness that can be misinterpreted by outsiders.

"Okay, so she saw us and congratulated you…" Nancy sums up.

"Yeah, I told her we weren't back together and that she should tell me what the real problem was instead. That's when she said that I was the problem."

"Why are you the problem?"

"She hates me, because I'm here, because …I'm me, and I make her suffer."

"You're not making any sense," Nancy shakes her head in confusion. "How do you make her suffer?"

"Because she loves me….she's… in love with me," I finally say and even now I'm having a hard time to know if I imagined all this or if it really happened.

Nancy sits back and nods, taking all the information in. "And she…she told you this?"

"With more words but yeah, then we kissed and…she stopped and asked me if I love her."

I hear Nance taking a deep breath before looking at me intently. "Do you?"

"I don't know," I answer honestly. "I didn't… I didn't answer."

"You do know though, don't you?" she smiles.

"No, I don't know. I know I feel something but…" I trail off.

"But what?"

"It wouldn't be honest to label it under 'love'."

She sighs and thinks for a moment. I wouldn't say that having this conversation with her is easy but it's not as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. "What did you feel when she kissed you?"

Her question makes me shift uncomfortably "Nance…"

"Hey," she puts her hand on my arm "It's just me," she smiles reassuringly. "What did you feel?" she repeats.

"It was…nice I suppose."

"Nice? It was nice?" she raises her eyebrows. "Tell me…how would you describe our kisses? Would you say they were… nice?"

"No!" I exclaim immediately without even thinking, offended that she would even think such a thing. "Of course not. They were…wow, passionate, tender and electric and…well you were there," I blush.

"Okay…so they were more than nice?" she teases me.

"Way more," I reply.

She takes a deep breath. "What was it like with her?"

"It was… I don't know."

"Come on Sar, how was it?" she refuses to let go.

"It…it…" I struggle to find words.

"It what?"

"It set me on fire! Alright?" I say all defensive. I breathe deeply to compose myself again. "It set me on fire and made my head spin."

"Wow…talk about a kiss," she chuckles. I hang my head and groans. "I'm going to ask you something… and I want you to be honest…" I lift my head up and look at her. All trace of fun has left her face and been replaced by seriousness. "While we were together…I'm not accusing you, but…did you…were you….did you have feelings for her then?"

"No," I frown a bit hurt. "It was you and only you," I tell her firmly.

She smiles relieved at the answer. "She almost kissed you once in her kitchen," she says.

"What?" I snort in disbelief." What are you talking about?"

"Remember, she made a get-together at her house with everybody. I was kissing the boys goodnight while you two were taking care of the dishes. When I came back in the kitchen she was bandaging your hand and leaning in toward your lips."

I do remember the day, but no matter how I try I don't remember what Nancy is talking about. "I didn't notice…" I whisper.

"I know," she chuckles. "Somewhere it's good to know that you were so in love with me that you didn't notice anybody else," she states.

"You were afraid to lose me…that's what you said that day and I never understood why."

"Now you know…" she looks away. "After that I told her to back off, to stay away from you, she had ruined nearly every other relationship I had…and that she wasn't going to have you."

"Why you never told me anything?"

"I did, a bit later I confess but I did talk to you about it, about my insecurities and all."

"I can't deny that."

"You know, I refused to see it, but now…thinking about it I know something was there before. I mean when I think about the way you treated Cameron during the dinner…"

"No, no, the reason I treated her that way was because something in her ticked me off and…I explained it to you and that's exactly why I acted like a jerk that day, plain and simple, I didn't lie to you, I never do." I tell her firmly.

"Sara…"

"No, Nance, don't see things that aren't true, I explained myself about that day and it turned out that I was right about Cameron, but that's all there is to it."

"You don't need to try to protect me…" she starts.

"I'm not, I was trying to protect you when I was silent about this whole topic."

"As much as this hurts me, and as cliché as it sounds…I do want you to be happy…and if happy means you and her together, then …fine, I'll deal with it," her look is full of hurt yet quiet love and understanding. She smiles a bit "Besides… she doesn't deserve to be strung along while you work out your emotions…"

I look away and hang my head. Nancy hooks her fingers under my chin and forces me to look at her. "It's okay…if you love her…if you're in love with her…" she swallows hard. "That's alright sweetie."

"I have strong, powerful feelings for her, I won't deny that, but I don't know if it's love…"

"Come on, a kiss that set you on fire, and makes your head spin?" she chuckles a bit.

"So there's chemistry between us, it doesn't mean…"

Nancy sighs heavily. "Honey, you're hopeless…"

"You don't understand…" I stand from the couch, Nancy follows me with her eyes. "You're the first person I've really been in love with…"

"Sweetie, it's not about us…"

"I know," I reply. "I… I do want to be with her, to have a chance to have a real relationship with her, but right now, I don't think I can give her what I gave you, I'm not ready to feel that way for somebody yet. I'm not saying it won't happen, just that right now I can't, and I want to take me as I am and with what I have to offer, I want her to give me chance to fall for her."

"I understand," she says after a moment.

I sit down next to her again. "It's not that easy to move on, you know?" I confess.

She nods and puts back a lock behind my ear. "No matter what you decide, know that… it's okay with me," she tells me with sincerity.

"Have I told you how much I love you lately?" I ask her with a chuckle, but I mean it.

She chuckles back and shakes her head. She stands and kisses my forehead. "I better go finish this dinner, you know how the boys are when they are done with sports."

I can't help but laugh. "Oh yeah."

xxxxx

As I walk through the corridors of the lab my eyes fall on her. Catherine. It's been a little more than a week since the last time I saw her. If I didn't know better I'd say she's getting out of her way just to avoid me, but I do know better. I wasn't prepared for my reaction to her simple sight. My heart is beating faster and I feel electricity crawling under my whole skin. She lifts her head up and her eyes fall on me, I can't help the big smile on my lips. To my regret she doesn't return my smile, if anything her expression lets me know that she's less than happy to see me.

She quickly keeps her journey around the lab and turns in a corner, escaping my line of vision.

That hurts, much more than I had imagined.

I shake myself out of my thought I go to my lab working some evidence.

Two hours later Grissom sends us to a scene together. Apparently our killers struck again.

I decide to let Catherine drive, if we're not going to communicate we might as well not fight.

"I missed you," I blurt out.

She doesn't even flinch or react. She just keeps on staring at the road. I remember talking to walls more expressive than she is right now.

"How are you?" I try again.

"Stop. We're not doing this. We're not playing games…"

"How is caring about you a game?"

"Whatever, we work together, period." She says firmly. She doesn't look at me but the grip she has on the wheel is enough to make her knuckles white.

"As you wish," I reply flatly. I don't want to fight with her, so I'll go by her rules, waiting for her to give me a chance to talk to her.

We arrive at our scene twenty minutes later. As soon as he sees us the officer who's securing the scene walks to us, holding the yellow tape up for us. We politely thank him and he starts to speak. "I have four men running around after the suspect, I'd rather warn you it's messier than usually."

That can't be good, because usually it's already very messy.

Coming into the house we knew something had gone wrong. The house was upside down. Usually except for the blood the house is in order. As usual I take the floor and the first room on my path is the master bedroom. The vision I'm met with is nothing I had expected. The naked body of a young woman is lying on the king size bed and I'd be surprised if there's any blood left in this body.

"Catherine, you should come and see this," I call her not tearing my eyes from the scene.

I hear her joining me, I put myself aside so she can have a proper look at the body. "Shit…" she breathes out.

"You think they're escalating to rape?" I ask her.

"I don't know, from the look of the pictures downstairs she's not related to the couple, but then again she could."

I nod. I frown as something occurs to me. "Now that I think about it… we found vaginal fluid on one scene."

"You're thinking…that the killers turn against one another?"

"Well it could be a possibility, then correct me if I'm wrong but Officer Becket, said that four officers were after the suspect, as in 'one suspect'."

"Admitting you're right, I wonder why it went wrong."

"Hopefully we'll have an answer soon."

We keep processing scene in an almost complete silence. The only time we talk to one another is when we find something odd or interesting and to elaborate theories.

Hours later we eventually come back at the lab and process what we found.

xxxxx

It's another 48h before they finally catch the suspect. Like we had suspected the DNA of the girl on the bed matched the vaginal fluids we had found previously. Now we are ready to bet our pay check that the DNA of the suspect will match the semen we found at the scenes. Whatever story is behind all this is really sick.

Catherine and I are in the observation room, looking at a man in his early twenties. He has brown hair, blue eyes, his face is void of any kind of emotion. Chances are that he doesn't even know what he did wrong. Right now he's listening to whatever advises his lawyer can give him – mostly to be as much cooperative as possible, not that it will help much. Brass comes into the observation room and looks at the both of us. "Are you ready?"

I nod silently looking at Catherine who just shakes her head "Lead the way," she says and we walk in the interrogation room. Brass being ever the gentleman let us come in before he does.

Brass starts the tape of the interview and states the day we are and all the protocol, then he turns to the suspect "State your identity," he orders.

"My name is Barney Cokrane," the suspect says before stating his birthday, his address and situation.

Brass lets him know his right and then goes in his usual corner.

"Barney we have a warrant to make a swab for your DNA," I announce as I put my kit on the table. Barney's lawyer takes a look at the paper and then nods his assent. I make the swab and give it to the officer outside the room so he can take it as fast as he can to the lab.

"Do those people look familiar to you?" Catherine asks as she shows him the pictures of the victims.

"Maybe," he shrugs.

"You went in their houses and strangely by the time you walked out they were dead," she replies sharply.

"I didn't kill anybody," he says with dejection.

"So basically you just walked into houses, find dead people in the living room, yet the only thing you find to do is to have sex on the master bedroom?" I ask tilting my head.

Barney smiles. "Oh that…"

"Yeah that," Cath replies sharply. "We know you were in the house, we know you killed people according to a regular schedule, now all you have to do is to fill the blanks."

Barney looks away and gets lost in thoughts. Catherine runs out of patience and snaps her fingers in front of him. "Barney, stay with us!"

"It turned her on," he shrugs. He looks at us like it was the most natural thing in the world.

"I suppose she's the one you're talking about," Catherine shows him the picture of the body we found in the master bedroom, we identified her as Reanne Bower.

For the first time Barney shows emotions, it's a mix between pain and sadness. He doesn't answer but his silence speaks volume.

"Barney, I have to tell you, things don't look good at all for you. Right now you're accused of the murder of 9 persons – your girlfriend included…." I start.

"I didn't kill anybody, it was all Reanne's doing, it was all her fantasies…"

"Her fantasy?" Catherine enquires.

"Yeah, she always wanted to do it with people listening to her, then doing something bad before the act made her wild. At first she didn't want it to be messy, but just having a reminder of it all, so she'd leave her pillow on the houses… she had a thing for expensive pillows….then she wanted more and she forgot about the messiness it was all about the rush….she'd be so wild she wouldn't even wait for us to be home before jumping on me. I'm telling you, being on the bad side made her incredible in bed," Barney smiles brightly, like nothing was wrong.

"How did you come in the house?" I ask as I feel Catherine boiling at my side.

"Reanne, she has this easy connection with people, they'd give her everything in a heartbeat. She casts a spell and everyone is under the charm. While she was sweet talking them I'd make a print of their keys in paste and then we'd go. Those people were unaware of what was going on, they never once had doubts. Then we'd come back when Reanne wanted some. She'd do her thing and then we'd have sex…"

"How convenient, now she's dead so she can't defend herself. It will take a little more than your words for us to believe that you didn't kill anybody."

"She made videos. So she could hold until the next time. Just go at our place if you don't believe me," Barney says in his defence.

In all my years as a CSI I've never heard something like this. I have a hard time to believe this is real. This guy is telling us that basically his girlfriend was killing people to improve her libido and he doesn't actually feel like it was wrong.

"What about him? Uh? Why did you leave him agonizing?" I ask through my teeth as I show a picture of Rayner.

"He came out of nowhere and interrupted us in action, Reanne was mad at him."

"I'm really trying to get your story straight. So basically you're telling me that you were killing people to keep your sex life at its top?" Catherine asks sharply.

"Everyone has to find something to keep the desire up, that was Reanne thing and I loved her, who am I to deny her?"

"You killed for sex!" Catherine burst.

"Great freaking fantastic sex," Barney corrects her with a big smile. "Hell if you'd been here you'd have done the same. It's not a crime, get a turn on every once in a while," he shrugs with a chuckle.

"People are dead! Do you understand that?!" Catherine asks him.

"I told you it was Reanne's thing," he protests. "For the last time I didn't kill anybody."

"Then we have a problem, we found Reanne's blood on your shirt, and a knife you probably used to kill her. Care to explain what happened?" I say.

This time Barney's expression changes into anger. "She wanted to dump me. After everything, she wanted to dump me," he snorts with a sick smile. "Yeah, right…like I would let that happened."

Catherine shakes her head in disbelief. "Jim…" she just says as Brass gets in motion and arrest Barney. She stands up and leaves the room hastily.

I stand up myself and walk to Catherine's office, that's the first place she'd retreat to. I come in and find her pacing furiously. She notices my presence but doesn't stop or pacing.

"That's a first…" she snorts. "It'll never cease amaze me what people can do for the most stupid reason…if it wasn't for cheer damn luck!..." she growls. Suddenly she whips everything that is on her desk with her arm, sending it all flying around.

I understand her disappointment, disgust and rage. We did our job thoroughly yet Barney and his psycho girlfriend managed to outwit us. It takes a lot in our job not to lose faith in human beings.

I walk to her desk and start to pick up some item from the floor, the frame holding a picture of Lindsey, a pendulum, some papers. I try as much as I can to put everything back in order. When I turn around Catherine is looking away, she has her hands in her hair and she's biting her bottom lips.

I take a step toward her but she tenses immediately. "Just leave me alone okay? Leave…" she orders without looking at me. I stay where I am, not willing to obey. I take cautious steps toward her until we're in the same space. I try to take her in my arms but she jerks away. I don't back off and pull her to me again, she struggles but then eventually she gives in. I hold her tight and rock her gently. I can feel her body shaking but then all the sudden she struggles out of my embrace and takes some steps backward. "Leave… just… leave," I don't give any sign of moving for a long moment. Her expression changes into anger and this time she shouts at me. "Leave! Get out!" I comply for I know that when she's in this mood there's nothing I'll be able to do, if nothing I might aggravating it all.

xxxxx

I'm in my living room with Nancy, she proposed to help me to do the painting of my walls.

"We should have taken midnight blue," I tell her.

"It looks like midnight blue to me."

"It's more like….navy blue…" I muse.

"So basically those are two same colors?" she asks.

"No…navy blue is a subtly lighter shade…" I try to explain.

"Yeah subtly…" she mocks me.

I sigh heavily and stop the painting, and let myself fall on the couch.

"Why don't you tell me what the real problem is?" Nancy asks, putting her tools aside and goes to the refrigerator, grabs a bottle of water and comes back to sit in front of me.

I look at her quickly but don't answer.

"How much longer do you plan to be like this?"

"Like what?" I ask her in confusion.

"Jesus Sara…all you do is mope…you're dragging…seriously it's depressing to be around you," she states vehemently.

I snort. "Well…thanks…really."

"Seriously, have you looked at yourself lately?"

I look at my clothes and look back at her. She shakes her head before standing, she puts me on my feet and pushes me to the mirror hanging on one of my walls. "Look…look at yourself," she orders. I look at my reflection. "I love you, but you look like shit, honey. You need to do something about this."

"Like what?"

"I don't know…maybe being with her?" she plays coy. She doesn't need to precise who is her, we both know she's talking about Catherine. We have only broach this topic twice, it's not that she's not open about it, but it's still uncomfortable to talk about it. "We both know she's the source of your woes."

"Don't you think that I tried?" I reply a bit on the defensive. "She doesn't want to have anything to do with me," I explain.

Ever since Catherine got back from her brother's she's been ignoring me. I'm invisible to her unless we have a case together. And ever since we arrested Barney – over a month ago, we seldom have had case together, needless to say we took a step backwards.

"Then make her," Nancy simply says.

"How? I'm invisible to her. She doesn't want to give me a chance, she doesn't listen or speak to me."

"Then. Make. Her", she repeats. "Don't give her a chance to say no or reject you."

"What do you want me to do? Throw myself at her feet?"

"Do not go gentle into that good night, Sara," she quotes one of her favourite poems. She turns me around so I can face her. "She's stubborn, that's nothing new… you have to be more stubborn. Don't let her walk away from you….hell lay down in front of her car if you have to," she chuckles. "Just…don't let another day go by without forcing her to see that you really care and want a chance."

I let her words sink and nod "I can do this…right?"

"Yes you can."

"I can," I repeat to convince myself."

"And you will, because if you don't I will kick your ass."

"You know you're getting more violent these days," I tease her.

"Babe, you got off the ride before I turned to the cuffs and whip," she comes back wittily.

I purr "Shame…"

"Nah…you couldn't have handled it anyway," she says before slapping my ass and walking away.

"Hey!" I protest before we both burst into laughter.

xxxxx

Shift is almost over and I have yet to see Catherine. I have a plan, I'm going to go and ask her to a breakfast, and I won't stop until she says yes.

Actually I should do it right now before all my nerves leave me. I get up from my lab and go looking around for her.

I try her office without success and three labs with the same result, I'm about to go in another aisle when my cell rings. "Sidle?"

"_Have you talked to her yet?"_ Nancy asks.

"I'm on my way."

"_Good. Do you want to be with her?" _

"Yes."

"_Do you want to be with her?"_ she repeats.

"Yes," I reply more firmly.

"_Do you really want to be with her?"_ is she trying to drive me crazy?

"Yes, I do," now I'm slightly irritate.

"_Bring it on then,"_ she chuckles before hanging up.

I realise that Nancy she galvanized me, now I'm walking with more determination. I finally find Catherine in a lab. I observe her through the glass wall for a moment. I wait for the lab tech who's with her to exit the lab before taking a deep breath and getting in. I approach her but she's so focused on her work that she doesn't hear me.

"Cath…" I call her.

She jumps with a start and frowns at me. "Jeez, are you crazy? Don't you sneak up on me like that," she scolds me.

"I'm sorry… I just… damn it you won't talk to me."

"What do you want Sara?"

Suddenly I'm not so sure of myself.

No Sidle. Don't you walk away, you can do it!

"You know what I want," I tell her before stepping closer. "I want a chance," I decide to throw my plan through the window and to go straight for the kill.

She shakes her head and walks away "I thought I was clear, this matter is over with."

I follow her as she exits the lab and walks in the corridor. I catch up with her in the hall. "Come on, a chance," I make sure to keep my voice low. "That's all I'm asking for."

She enters Archie's lab without giving sign of listening to me. She asks him if he has something for her and they exchange a few words. I wave hello to Archie and wait for Cath to come out again. Once again I follow her in the corridor. I get bold and put my hand on the small of her back, she tenses immediately but I keep my hand there. "Cath…I do have feelings. I just want a chance to…."

"Shut up, shut up, I don't want to hear this, she says through her teeth.

I put my hand higher on her back. "Please," I keep on. "We don't have to go fast...let me take you out, let me proove you that I am worthy of your trust and..."

She stops abruptly and turns to me. She raises on finger up in the air. "First off, you get your hands off me, then you leave me alone," she orders me firmly. I put my hand in surrender, and she starts to walk away again. I wait a second or two but eventually go after her. Again.

She enters Grissom's office and has a talk with him about a memo, then she sighs in frustration as she sees me outside waiting for her. She keeps her journey, ignoring me.

"I'm going to hound you...I won't leave you alone until you give me a chance," I tell her.

"It's not going to happen, now stop your little game," she says before entering the locker room. She grabs her coat and belongings then walks to get out of the building. I follow her into the parking lot not minding the pouring rain aggressing us.

"A chance that's all I'm asking for," I stand by the door of her car. "Would you please give me a chance?"

"Jeez, are you deaf or something? No! I'm done with this, now get out of my way," she pushes me aside and gets in her car. Talk about stubborness. I stand there in the rain watching her as she's about to go away from me once more.

I decide to get back in the building and start to walk away. I hear her motor coming to life and that's when Nancy's words come back to me.

Fuck that.

I run and manage to get in front of her car as she's about to pull into the road. She pulls the breaks immediately and her tires screech loudly. I had misjudged the distance between me and her car so I have to take two quick steps back not to be rolled over and then go to her door. She jumps out of her car and looks at me.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah…"

She pushes me away violently. "Are you out of your fucking mind? I could have killed you!" she screams.

I come close to her and press her again the side of her car, making sure that she won't escape me this time. I don't give her a chance to react as I kiss her passionately, with all my feelings for her. She resists at first but I hold on and eventually she gives in, her hands clutching my shoulders tightly. I pull back and look at her. "Tell me that you don't feel anything when I kiss you, tell me that you don't want me, tell me that this feeling isn't worth the try...and I'll leave you alone," I say. "I want you…" I kiss her again. "I want a chance," I tell her honestly. She's trying to get away but I cup her cheek with both of my hands. "Don't you want me?" I ask her. I have to speak loud so my voice gets above the rain. She doesn't answer and looks away. "I want to be with you. If… if you want to be with me then give me a chance….please."

"I…I can't…I can't give you another chance to hurt me again…"

"I won't hurt you."

"You always do, "she replies.

"I won't…please Cath," I repeat. "You want me to beg?" I drop on my knees - throwing my last bit of dignity away, and look up at her. "There, I'm begging, please give me a chance, give us a chance."

"Get off your knees Sara," she asks.

"Will you give me a chance?"

"Just get off your knees, it's embarrassing."

I comply and stand close to her. She looks at me intently and then looks away. I can see her resolutions slowly crumbling down.

"If you hurt me, or if you are mocking me Sidle…so help me I'll…"

I can't help the smile creeping on my lips. "Does it mean that you're giving me a chance?"

"I'm serious, if you hurt me…" I don't give her a chance to finish her sentence as I kiss her deeply. She kisses me back and cups my face.

The kiss is intense and electric. When we pull away I can't help the laughter escaping my throat. "Thank you," I tell her caressing her cheek.

"Don't screw me over," she warns me.

"I won't," I shake my head. I kiss her again before resting my forehead against hers.

Finally. I did it.

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**There you go, it's a new beginning...told you to have faith in me ;)**

**Thanks for reading.**


	42. Chapter 42

**Wow, look at this, two updates the same day, is it Christmas or something?:P...Anyway, thank you for the reviews and I hope you'll enjoy this one even though I might have played a bit.**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**To **Max,** reward number two ;)**

**To **Nick**, because I know how fun work is, here's some distraction. ;)**

**ps: Thank you** scuby** for putting up with me and helping out. ;)**

eve**, Nancy is just accepting things and the fact that she has no power on it. And she loves Sara enough to want her happy, even if it's with Cath, but she's not happy with it :)**

OriginalAngelStyle**, j'avoue que j'ai pris dix chapitres de plus que la dernière fois...but I'll try to make it worth ;)**

Dawny1**, glad to make you happy :D**

chrimp1984**, I'm not sure you'll dance this time...but nothing bad...promise ;)**

kaCSI**, come on, it wasn't that long...or was it:P...I'll try to be nice from now on. ;)**

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**Chapter 42: Catherine**

I'm standing in the middle of pouring rain, but that doesn't matter. No, what matters right now is the fact that I'm kissing Sara.

I know what you're going to say, I'm having this dream again, and I'm dreaming so hard that I actually think it's happening, but I'm not dreaming and this is really happening. My arms are firmly locked around her neck, one of her arms is holding me tight against her and her other hands is cupping cheek.

I would tell you how it happened if I wasn't too busy getting lost in Nirvana. All I know is that I almost run over her with my car, and that she kissed some sense to me.

If the kiss is as electric as the few we have exchanged, it has also something different, something more, something powerful.

Once again she breaks the kiss and once again the feeling of loss is burning my lips.

She looks at me with a mix of awe, joy and dazzler. She smile brightly her gap toothed smile and then looks up to the sky. She chuckles before looking at me again. "It's raining," she states.

"Your observation skills are impressive, you should consider becoming a CSI," I joke.

She smiles. "I'm sorry…You're going to be sick…you should get back in your car," she says but she doesn't seem to be willing to let me go – not that I wan her to. Eventually she takes a step back and opens my door, before I know what's happening she gets in by the passenger door. I have to giggle at her behaviour.

"Can I take you out on a date tonight?" she asks.

"No, not tonight."

"Oh," one word, yet so full of meaning.

"I promised Lindsey a movie."

"Oh," this time she smiles and nods. "Okay, what about tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow's good," smile.

"It's a date then," she's about to lean in and kiss me again when the honk of the car behind mine makes us both jump, only then do I remember that I'm blocking the exit of the parking lot. "I better go."

"Yeah…"

"Be careful on the road," she says before opening the door and stepping out.

"Always.

She starts to close the door but opens it again "Can I call you later?"

"I'd like that," her whole face illuminates itself at my reply.

"Bye."

"Bye," I bite my bottom lip and with that she closes the door.

I start my engine again and suddenly I'm startled by my door being opened. I don't have time to react when I feel a pair of lips claiming mine. My hand goes immediately in Sara's hair, and as fast as her lips come, they go. She smiles at me and winks before closing the door and going away for good.

I'm pretty sure that I'm sporting a really goofy grin right now.

Who cares?

xxxxx

I turn to my daughter and open my mouth to speak but she cuts me to it. "Yes you are beautiful mom, stunningly beautiful," she smiles. I smile nervously.

I think I've spent the last three hours getting ready for Sara.

I'm having a date with Sara.

Wow.

That thought hasn't left me for the past 24h and it makes me nervous as hell. I haven't been able to sleep or eat anything ever since we kissed, and my focus hasn't been at its top either – even more since I haven't been able to see her today, but she called me twice and text messaged me too.

Sara did call me yesterday, it was sweet and a bit awkward, but we managed to spend over an hour on the phone.

I'm having a date with Sara.

Wow, I can't believe this is happening. The world must be spinning backwards, my wildest dream is coming true, let's hope that it doesn't crash and burn anytime soon.

I'm having a date with Sara.

I look at myself in the mirror, I take a deep breath, but the butterflies in my stomach don't settle down, I suppose I'll have to do with it.

Lindsey hasn't commented on the fact that I'm going out with Sara, she just muttered something about grown ups, I think that if she has questions she'll come to me.

All too soon, Sara rings my bell and I feel like a bundle of nerves.

Forty minutes later we find ourselves in a restaurant of her choice. Well technically, the drive to the restaurant was only twenty minutes, but Sara had a brain fart after seeing me and didn't seem to be able to move – I was really happy with myself. Then she offered me flowers and I had to eventually take care of it. I think that if Lindsey hadn't been there to call us back in reality we'd still be at my front door right now.

Sara is really attentive, so much that I feel like the center of the world.

I'm so excited that my hands are slightly shaking and I'm clumsy. Sara seems at ease and she's making me laugh through the whole first course. It's funny because I feel like I was seeing her for the first time.

"I…uh…know I've already said it before but, you are truly beautiful," Sara suddenly says out of the blue. "This dress looks like it has been made for you," she's looking at me with admiration, like I was the most precious thing in the world.

I blush and make a brief eye contact with her before hanging my head. I adjust my napkin on my laps just so I have something to do in order to calm my nerves. "Thank you…you look nice….much different than I expected," I stammer. I look at her, not helping the smile on my lips.

"You're full of surprises tonight, Sidle" I tease her.

"And it's just the beginning," she winks at me.

I lift an eyebrow. "Really?"

"I could definitely get used to this side of you," I wink back and she chuckles in response.

"I'm serious. This restaurant is magnificent…how did you find it?"

"A friend of mine told me about it, I was just waiting for a special occasion I suppose," she replies looking at me straight in the eyes.

"I can't believe you knew how to order wine in Italian," I'm still amazed.

"Well…" she clears her throat. "I indulged myself with a trip in Europe after graduating from Harvard, some notions of the different languages stayed I guess."

"I'm impressed."

"Don't," she bites her lower lip.

"And the flowers were…stunning," I confess talking about the bouquet she brought me earlier. "If you're looking to sweep me off my feet, you're definitely heading in the right direction."

"That's good to know, although my plans after dinner should be even more interesting."

I almost choke on my wine at this. I sit done the glass and smirk at her. "Do tell."

"Oh no, that would spoil the surprise, and I really want this night to be special. It already is by your presence."

"Stop…you're going to make me blush to death," I blush furiously.

To my surprise she stands up and kisses my cheek. My heart instantly burst in my chest with a warm fuzzy feeling and the kamikazes butterflies strike back in my stomach. My fingertips touch the burning spot she left on my skin and I smile at her. "Sar…"

"I don't think you realize how happy I am to be with you tonight," she admits after a moment.

I get my wit back and decide to take back the control. I run one of my feet up the inside of her calf and she gasps immediately. "Cath… I might choke if you do that," she smiles nervously.

"I thought a little payback was in order," I reply putting some food in my mouth closing my eyes briefly in appreciation. Sara is looking at me with side eyes.

"Payback? For what?" she laughs.

I just smile and change the subject. "How's your food?"

"Excellent, thank you."

"I didn't think a vegetarian could eat a lot of things."

"Actually, I'm just having trouble with meat, I'm not on a really strict diet."

"I can't believe you don't eat meat," I chuckle.

"Trust me if you had been there on the night we made that experiment…" she shivers. "Let's not talk about this," she shakes her head and I laugh. "Truth to be told, I do give in sometimes and eat meat."

"Really? When?"

"When it's really good, I love good food, what can I say?"

"I've never had to worry about cooking for a vegetarian..." I continue eating. "I'll have to find some common ground if I cook for you…when…not if," I correct myself.

"Cath, it's okay, you don't have to go through trouble to cook for me…although if it means having another date I'm all in," she winks.

"I guess it depends on what you have planned for us after dinner," she laughs at my words.

"Nice try Willows, really nice…"

"Can you blame me?" I join her in her laughter.

We keep talking and flirting and I have to say that I love each second of it.

I put one of my locks behind my ear. "There's something I really want to know," I tell her.

"Anything."

"The other day…you were so insistent…you almost made me kill you when you jumped in front of my car and you wouldn't give up…why?"

She chuckles, but then gasps as she feels my foot up her leg again. She coughs in order to clear her throat. "I'm sorry about the car…I…had misjudge the distance..." she shakes her head a bit to keep her focus. "Then…Nancy made me realize that moping around wasn't the best course of action… it was up to me to make my point and to deserve a chance…she was right."

"Nancy…" my foot immediately leaves her leg, and my smile fades away. My good mood is replaced by rage and anger. "Nancy made you realize…"

"That I was moping around, yeah," Sara smiles, but then frowns. "Something's wrong?"

I should have known that something was wrong, it was too good to be true, what a jackass I am. "Yeah, you could say that," I reply flatly.

"What is it?"

I put my cutleries down. I think I'm going to be sick.

"Cath?" Sara calls me again. I take my napkin off my laps and sit it on the table. I feel like crying all the sudden but must of all I'm mad. "What just happened?"

I pull my chair backwards and stand up, I look at Sara long and hard, my anger is so powerful that I can't even speak, I just shake my head and grab my purse.

"Wow, where are you going?" she asks.

"I knew this couldn't be…I knew it…and I told you I wouldn't put up with it…" I tell her.

"What? What are you talking about?" she minds her voice, not willing to put a scene in the restaurant.

"Go back to Nancy, Sara," those are my last words before I turn to leave. I leave her there in the restaurant and start to walk away, I'm lucky enough to find a cab immediately. During the entire ride home my fists are balled tightly and tears of rage are burning my eyes, begging to drop. I feel like a fool, once again I've let my feelings cloud my judgement, you'd think I'd had learned my lesson by now, I guess not.

What a jackass.

xxxxx

When I arrive at work the next night everyone is already there, I greet everyone with a smile, but it fades away as soon as I lay my eyes on Sara. I stare at her angrily and she just looks at me with her usual stoic expression then go to the coffee pot.

I chat with Nick about a case then I phone comes to life, everyone check to see whose is it, and Sara stands up before going to the corridor. "Sidle," then her voice dies away.

In the meantime, Grissom comes in to give us assignment and the lucky girl I am gets to be pair up with Sara. Just freaking great.

Sara comes back with a long face. "We have a DB on Henderson, I'll wait for you in the car," I tell her quickly and wait for her nod before going.

"Grissom can I have a word with you?" I hear her ask, I don't get to know what she's telling him as they move to his office.

I'm tapping my thumbs against the wheel, my patience is wearing thin, I've been waiting in the car for almost ten minutes now and Sara still hasn't showed up. I'm about to call her when the passenger door is opened, I turn to give her a piece of my mind when to my surprise I'm facing Greg.

"What are you doing here?"

"Don't shoot me I'm just following the boss' orders."

"Grissom paired me up with Sara," I protest.

"And he called me just a moment ago to go with you," Greg explains.

"Where is Sara then?"

"I don't know, maybe with Nick or in the lab, I didn't ask."

I sigh and start the ignition. So this is how things are going to be, I shake my head at Sara's childish attitude. I can't believe she asked Grissom to be pair up with someone else, even after our worst fight we always managed to work together, I thought that today wouldn't be an exception, obviously I was wrong, talk about a step back.

Fine, if that's what she wants.

xxxxx

I haven't seen or heard about Sara for 48 very long hours. She hasn't called and she's been playing dead at the lab, so well that I never had a glimpse of her. This situation only served to make me brood, and if I wasn't so stubborn I probably would have call her to know why she's acting like this.

Tonight is the third night and I have to say that I can't stand the situation – and the few unfortunate who had their heads bit off don't either.

I'm in the corridor in search of Hodges for some result when I stop in my tracks. I frown and look into the AV room closely, no, I'm not hallucinating, Sara is staring at the screen and talking to Archie.

"What are we looking for?" Archie asks.

"Someone suspicious," Sara answers.

She looks tired and I don't know…drab, I'd say. She's emotionless, which makes a radical contrast with how she was with me when we were out.

"Someone suspicious during a rush hour in the middle of a Las Vegas Casino…sure…easy," Archie states with sarcasm.

Sara grins a bit with a snort but her face doesn't light up. "I know…" she rubs her face tiredly and stares at the different screens in front of her.

"Boy, the night's going to be long," Archie smiles. He must feel my presence because he turns to me suddenly and smiles at me. "Catherine, hi," he greets me.

"Hey," I smile weakly. My eyes are on Sara the only sign that gives her away is the fact that her eyes shift their attention off the screen for a second, but she doesn't turn to acknowledge me and it hurts.

"Can I help you?" Archie asks.

"I…uh…I'm looking for Hodges and he's not in his lab…have you seen him by any chances."

"Hmmm…I think I saw him looking for Neil earlier."

"Oh, thank you," I linger a bit on my spot hoping for Sara to look at me but she doesn't so I leave eventually.

xxxxx

"Cath?" Warrick frowns as he finds me on his doorstep but doesn't ask any questions. "Come on in," he invites me.

I sit on a stool on one side of his island, while he's on the other making breakfast. He doesn't ask any question, giving me some time to order my thoughts.

"I almost run over Sara with my car the other day," that statement gets his attention as he narrows his eyes in my direction. "She jumped in front of my car," I exclaim. He turns his back to the stove and leans against his counter giving me his full attention.

"I told you that I had declared her my feelings and…"

"That she kissed you then and that she had admitted to have feelings too, yeah," he nods.

"When I came back from Jude's, she would ask me out several times or send me flowers, but I would ignore her and throw everything with the trash. I wanted to protect myself, my feelings had been wearing me out and I couldn't do this anymore… then that day it was pouring rain, she wouldn't take my 'no', she kept asking me for a chance, I almost killed her with my car and…it's like she was crazy, she begged me on her knees and kissed me and…all my resolutions crumbled and I gave in…"

"So…you two are together?" he asks cautiously not completely smiling.

"She took me out on a date…" I smile a bit.

He smiles brightly. "A date? Excellent."

"I left her in the middle of the dinner…"

His smile falters. "I'll keep the happy dance for later then. What happened?"

"It turns out that the only reason she had been so insistent was because Nancy pushed her in my arms, she wouldn't have done it on her own if it hadn't been for my sister. I thought that she was wanted me when in the hand my sister was probably having pity on me and pushed Sara in my arms… it pisses me off that Sara tried so hard to be with me because Nancy told her to…"

"Sara told you that?"

"I read between the lines…it pisses me off…because…I don't want Sara to be with me because her ex lover told her to be with me…I want her to be with me because she really wants to…and I thought …I was stupid enough to think that it was the case…and…"

"Wait, wait, what did Sara say exactly?" he stops my ramble.

"I asked her what made her so insistent and she said that…Nancy made her realize that she was moping around and that…it was up to her to make her point and to deserve a chance…" I quote.

Warrick frowns and shakes his head. "So…you gave Sara a very cold shoulder and did everything to make her understand that it wouldn't happen…she mopes about it…."

"Yeah…no…wait…" I stammer.

"Nancy kicks her ass about moping around and tells her not to give up…" he keeps on like I hadn't spoken.

"I don't…" I try again.

"She does so and you gave her a chance, then she tells you the truth and you walk out on her…"

"No…no…hey, whose side are you on?!" I snap.

He raises his hands in surrender "I'm not taking sides, I'm just trying to get everything straight here..."

"Then why do I feel like I'm the jackass in this story when you speak?" he opens his mouth to reply but I just sigh and bury my face in my hands. "Shit…I'm a fucking idiot…" I curse myself.

"No you're not. You're in love and vulnerable, and your feelings make you act irrationally, but then again that's the whole beauty of love," Warrick chuckles.

I break and the tears that have been waiting to fall, free themselves from my eyes damping my cheeks. "Shit!..."

"Cath… come here," Warrick takes me in his arms in a comforting hug.

"I finally had what I want…I ruined everything…what and ass I make…"

"It will be okay…"

"How?" I pull away. "She's been avoiding me and the only time I saw her she didn't even look at me… I screwed things up badly…" I cry even harder.

"No, you haven't" he feels me about to protest so he keeps on. "She's hurt so she won't make the first move, then since you're the one who walked away she's waiting for you to work out whatever was bothering you…but trust me, it will be okay."

"How do you know?"

"I know Sara, I know how she works."

I hug him tightly hoping silently that he's telling the truth.

xxxxx

I've been pacing in front of Sara's door for the past twenty minutes. I know for a fact that it's her night off so I decided to go and face her – something I should have done three days ago, I owe her apologies. I'm nervous as hell afraid that I made the biggest mistake of my life and lost my chance with her.

I take a deep breath and knock before running away. It feels like an eternity before she opens the door. I can't say if she's annoyed by my presence, her face is neutral and doesn't give anything away. "Hi," she greets me flatly.

"Hi," I reply not really confident.

"Come in," her voice is soft and void of all the anger or bitterness I had expected. She puts herself on the side so I can come in.

I walk in hesitantly. She closes the door behind me and locks it again, I take that as her silent way to tell me that she's okay with me being here, maybe I'm just looking for any sign of reassurance.

"Do you want something to drink?"

I shake my head no and watch her grabbing a bottle of water. She turns to me, we stare at each other and then she looks away. To my surprise she's the one breaking the silence. "How are you?"

I look at the ceiling and think and sigh "Tired…depressed…ashamed…" I whisper.

"You mind if we sit?" once again I shake my head and follow her to the couch. We stay in silence and she plays with the sticker on her bottle. "You walked out on me," she finally says, when her eyes look into mine again I see hurt display in hers.

"I know…and…I'm sorry," I apologize, looking at her with shame. "We were having such a wonderful dinner…you were so…and we were flirting…and…" words obviously decided to fail me today.

"Yeah…"

"And… I was so happy, because I was there with you," I put my hand on hers, she turns her palm up so we're holding hand properly.

"Call me dense, but I still can't for the life of me understand why you left me."

"Because if it hadn't been for my sister you wouldn't have been there with me… I love my sister, and as hard as it is, I respect the fact that you two were together… but I don't want her in this…" I wave my free hand between us.

"Cath…" she shakes her head slowly.

"And when you mentioned her…it hurt me and all I saw was that she had a part in all this," I can't help the tears damping my cheeks.

"Maybe if you had let me a chance to explain, you would have known that it's not what you think…"

"I know…I know that…"

"Please, give me a chance to explain."

"Then explain…make me understand, please."

"I had tried really hard to be with you and you wouldn't even acknowledge me, it hurt and depressed me. Nancy made me realized that I was moping around, and that I shouldn't let your rejection discouraging me, because I wanted this badly. I want it badly."

"Why did she have to make you see that?" I ask.

"She didn't make me see that, I wanted you badly before she said anything."

""That's what I don't understand," I raise my voice a bit and stand, letting go of her hand. "If you want this as bad as you say, no one would have to push you."

"Did you hear the part where your rejection hurt me and depressed me? I was down okay."

"You rejected me for two years…and it didn't stop me…"

"Wow, hold on," she stands up as well. "I didn't know you had feelings for me during two years. I need you to understand that I was clueless until your declaration."

"I still don't know how you couldn't know that," I shake my head.

"Probably because I was very in love with your sister during two years, go figure," she comes back slightly irritated. I wince at her words, I knew that fact but hearing her say so isn't the easiest thing. "Sorry," she sighs with regret.

I put my hands up. "Don't, it's only the truth."

"When I was with Nancy, the rest of the world didn't matter, I didn't see anybody else…"

"Yeah, I recall perfectly…" I say a bit bitter. I sigh, I didn't come here to fight with her, yet it's like I was forcing us to head that way.

"I meant what I said the other day. I want to be with you, Nancy kicked my ass like a friend would do."

She pleads me with her eyes. I sigh. "It's just…I'm really scared Sara," I finally confess.

"You're not the only one," she replies, taking my hand and leasing us back to the couch."

"No…I'm scared I'm not going to be enough…not what you expect…I'm not…"

"Cath, no…"

"I'm not Nancy," I let out what is weighting on my chest.

"I know that. If I wanted to be with Nancy, I'd be with her. I want to be with you, with Catherine Willows," she smiles.

"What if…I'm not enough?"

"You are enough, don't change anything."

"This isn't going to be easy," I warn her.

"I'm not going anywhere."

I smile in relief, so it's not the end, excellent. She caresses my cheek delicately. "Listen," she starts. "We'll have to work together here, so…talk to me next time something bothers you."

"I'm not good at that."

"We'll work on it then."

I nod in agreement. "Can I ask you something?"

"I'm an open book," she grins.

"What did you have planned for after dinner…before…I made an ass of myself?"

"Well…some dancing and champagne on the roof of one casino, I had called in a favour."

I close my eyes and wince "Do you know how romantic that sounds?"

She chuckles. "Don't worry there will be other romantic dates," she says and it makes my heart beat faster. " As a matter of fact, I want to pick up where we had left things," she announces before standing up. She goes to her kitchen side and starts to take some item from her cupboard.

I frown. "What are you doing?" I ask her intrigued.

She turns to me and I can see a sparkle dancing in her eyes. "I'm preparing a romantic dinner for my girlfriend," she replies seriously. She takes my breath away wit her words. So…I'm her girlfriend. And bright smile appears on my lips. She winks at me then returns her attention to the stove.

I take off my jacket and walk to her. I sneak one of my hands around her waist and she's a bit startled but relaxes immediately. She looks at me over her shoulder and smiles. I indulge myself with a kiss on her shoulder and then ask her if she needs help.

We cook together a dinner and then she lightens up to candles on her island, we sit next to each other and talk, laugh, flirt…

I can't say how happy I am to have a second chance.

We have some chocolate cake for dessert and then I feel Sara's gaze on me. I look at her puzzled. "Do I have some on my face?" I ask.

She laughs, "No," she stands and reaches out a hand. "Come on," I take her hand and she leads me on her balcony. "Wait here," she smiles quite happy with herself.

She comes back two minutes later with two flutes and a bottle of champagne. I also notice some slow jazz playing in the background. Now, that's a surprise. She pours us champagne and hands me one flute. "To us," she toasts.

"To us," I reply losing myself in her eyes. I take a sip of champagne and we laugh again. "How do you do it?"

"Do what?" she frowns.

"This? How can you make such a simple dinner be a wonderful date?"

"I have a great source of inspiration," she winks at me before drinking again.

"And you're a sweet talker at that," I bite my bottom lip.

She takes one more sip of her champagne and then sits her flute on the floor, she waits for me to finish my drink before taking my flute as well. Silently she pulls me to her, she holds one of my hands against her heart while her other arm circles my waist. Once I got my arm around her neck she starts to sway us gently to the music. We're looking at each other and suddenly it's like the whole world had disappeared.

She closes her eyes and rests her forehead against mine, after a moment she pulls back a bit and brings her hand to my cheek. My heartbeat increases as she leans in slowly and I feel my legs buckling as she captures my bottom lip between hers.

I moan and pull her tighter against me when I feel her tongue caressing mine. One of my hand sneaks a bit under her shirt so my fingertips are touching her skin. The kiss is deep and passionate, needy and heavy with feelings.

Somehow she manages to guide us back inside without breaking the kiss. We end up making out on her couch. Later we move to her bedroom but decide against taking this further for now, the balance between us still too fragile. We keep kissing each other as if oxygen was coming form each other's mouth, my body is on fire and my heart is beating in a not so healthy way.

Then we cuddle together and talk again. She proposes me to stay over tonight and I'm more than happy to oblige.

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**I realized that I forgot to put credit on the last chapter. _"Do not go gentle into that good night"_ is a quote from the eponym poem from Dylan Thomas.**

**And I know, I know, don't worry I'm stopping being cruel, fluff and love is on the way.**

**Thanks for reading.**


	43. Chapter 43

**I know I took long, well you know work, life and to top it off some health problem and my little sparkle Mojo gone in vacation (at least for this story)...anyway I'm back and I tried to make it long. Thanks for your reviews you always make my day.**

**Enjoy,**

**So ;)**

**ps: **scuby** thank you so much for everything ;)**

OriginalAngelStyle** see? I haven't forgotten you, voilà ton fix (et ne t'en fais pas il y en a encore beaucoup en stock) ;).**

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**Chapter 43: Sara**

Cath is in the shower while I'm fixing something to eat. We spent the night together, in each other's arms. We made out a lot too which explain the silly grin that has been plastered on my lips ever since I woke up. We recreate the magic that was there during our first date and in spite of it being all improvised it was perfect, cooking together, talking, sharing some champagne on the balcony, dancing together and kissing. We had quite a rocky start but I think we manage to clean the air and made things up again.

The door of my bathroom opens revealing Catherine, wet hair and some of my clothes on. Now that's the most pleasant vision I could have had right now. This woman could make anything look sexy. I put a plate in front of her, coffee and a glass of juice. She smiles in appreciation and comes to me to peck my lips – funny how this little gesture seems so natural. I stay on the other side of the island and watch her with intensity and desire. And the moan she lets escape as she takes her first bit of the breakfast I made her doesn't lessen the fire that is slowly burning in the pit of my stomach.

"Stop that," she chuckles. I tilt my head and raise an eyebrow silently asking her to elaborate. "You're burning holes through me with your stare."

"Sorry."

"Don't be. It's just we wouldn't have much time to give life to those thoughts of yours," she winks wickedly and I chuckles before putting my plate next to her and we start to eat in a comfortable silence.

"You have any special plans today?" I ask her.

"I promised Linds we'd go see that movie she's been talking about non stop and then we'll probably go to the mall before having a quiet time home. You?"

"Having some time with boys and Nancy."

"Okay," she smiles.

We stay silent. "Do you mind if…I call you?"

"Not at all," she shakes her head with a smile. "You know… I really missed you those last days…I know things won't always be easy but, I hope you won't avoid me like you did because it was really unbearable," I confess.

"I didn't avoid you. Allan was sick, I asked Grissom to let me go home immediately and to have two days off… I was hurt but I wasn't avoiding you."

"It's good to know," she says taking my hand in hers. "It might be difficult today, but…do you want to get out before shift tomorrow?"

"I'd like that," I beam. I lean in and kiss her, our tongue immediately seek for contact. I pull back and look at her. "How much time before you have to go?"

"An hour."

I smile and take her to the couch. I take a comfortable position and then pull her to me so we can cuddle, once we're both comfortable we start to make out. I can't get enough of kissing her.

xxxxx

Cath and I part eventually, even though it was hard doing so. We are going to try to have a coffee before shift tonight and I can't wait for having some time alone with her again.

I enter Nancy's house with my key and find her in front of the living room library. I walk to her with enthusiasm and take her in my arms she whimpers in surprise and starts to giggle as I swirl her in the air one time. "Put me down, silly!" she laughs when I let her on the ground again.

"Have I told you how much I love you?"

She shakes her head with a big smile. "Come on and share instead of goofing around," she says matter-of-factly. She's about to pass me to go sit on the couch when she looks at me it takes her half a second to decipher my eyes. "No way…" I can't help the smile on my face and she laughs softly. "Well don't stand there and tell me!"

I start to tell her how I took her advices and didn't give up until Cath gave me a shot. "Wait, wait, you throw yourself under her car and got on your knees?"

"Yeah…"

"Please tell me you never actually went topless at work when I told you to," she tells seriously. But soon we burst in laughter.

"Ah, ah, smartass," I stick my tongue out. "Okay, wait, it went down after that, our first date wasn't the best…" I explain her what happened and how Cath and I finally cleared the air.

"So now everything is fine?"

"Yeah."

"It's official then, you got a girlfriend," she teases me and I feel my whole face blushing and a big grin splitting my lips. "And it came back," I frown at this "That special smile of yours, I missed it," she winks.

Then she tells me about her week as we wait for the boys to come back from their friend's house. Once they're here we decide to play Clues together before watching a movie. We have a lot of fun, Nancy teases me to no end after my call to Cath, trying to burn my face with blush. Then I decide to invite them all to the restaurant. Time flies fast and soon its time for me to go to work. Cath cancelled our pre-shift coffee because Lindsey and her weren't done yet, I decide that if she doesn't come for the coffee then the coffee would come to her.

The shift goes by slowly to my taste, but that's probably because I can't seem to be able to take her out of my thoughts. We managed to have five minutes just for ourselves and I was more than glad for it. I like the beginning of relationships, you all giddy, and awkward, and trying your damnest not to look like you had regressed to the age of 15 again – quite a difficult task with the goofy grin and the blush following you like a shadow…

Well, even though I'm yearning to see Catherine I'm glad that I'm stuck at the lab doing paperwork while she's on the field. I think we're right into the phase where it's hard enough not to be able to think about one another without having to pretend that nothing is going on.

I like the tingles in the pit of my stomach as I'm sending her messages just because, when I know I should be writing about the blue paint I found on the floor of the victim's kitchen. And I like making a big effort to council the smile appearing on my face as she answers me back because there's absolutely nothing fun about that blue paint stain on the scene of my robbery scene.

The most annoying thing in a new relationship is the time you spend apart.

Okay, so the stain of blue paint…

xxxxx

"Can I ask you something?" Cath says with a smile. We're having lunch at her place before going out to the theatre.

We've been dating for three weeks and a half now, I took her out a lot, I love doing it and making her smile with surprises but work has been quite rough for the last couple of days so we had more time just talking of cuddling and making out. And today I wanted to have some time alone before going out and face the world.

"Anything."

"Nancy…she knows about us?"

"She does, yeah."

"And she's okay with it?"

"Let's just say that she's accepting the fact that it's the way things are."

"Okay," she nods but I can feel that she's holding back something.

"Cath?"

"So…you tell her everything?"

"I do," I sigh and try to find my words. "She's my best friend and confident, she knows me, I don't hide from her…we're a family."

"Okay," I reach out and put my hand over hers. To be honest I'm afraid she might bolt like the other time. "Thanks for your honesty," she smiles.

We finish eating, talking, laughing and then times come to pick the movie we'll go to see this afternoon

"…Cath, I don't want to go see that movie," I tell her with a sigh.

She turns to me and looks at me with that particular frown saying that she's a hair's breadth away from being angry. "And you couldn't think to say something before now? I've been bugging you all week to go and see that movie and you never said anything until now," she says sharply.

"I didn't know you were so serious about it."

"So, I repeat just random thing for the hell of it."

"That's not what I said…"

"It's what you just implied."

"No it's not."

"Whatever," she sighs. "This is typical of you…wait until the last minute to tell me you don't want to do something," she rambles. "Why don't you want to see the movie anyway?"

"I don't like the actors, I don't like the plot and the trailer confirmed my suspicion about it to be inevitably lame,' I count on my fingers. "There's no need to blow this out of proportion."

She advances on me and I swear that I can see the smoke coming out of her ears. "Blow this out of proportion? So now I'm being dramatic?" she asks more rhetorically than anything.

"Yes, you are. We can go to the theatre just not to see this. I refuse to go in there just to get bored out of my skull," I reply a bit angry.

"And now you get to tell me what I can and can't do, is that it?"

"This is not what I said, stop twisting my words! Jeez, what's wrong with you?"

"What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you?" she gets closer to me in order to gain some advantage, her eyes spitting fire.

"Hey, I don't force you to do what you don't want to. I don't remember making such a fuss when you refused to go to the bar the other day. Why are you blowing a fuse when I do the same?" I move inches closer so now we're in each other's personal space.

"Oh my god, you bit my head off about that!"

"I did not!"

"You are such a sore loser."

"Oh yeah right. Okay, fine let's go and see your movie," I shrug angrily.

"No."

"What?"

"I said no, forget it, I'm not going now."

"Are you trying to drive me nuts?"

"No," she answers shortly.

"Let's go see that movie."

"No."

"Argh!" I cry in frustration. "Why not?"

"You've ruined it for me now. I can't possibly sit there and watch it knowing you'd rather be somewhere else. I'm sure it thrills you to no end, you get your way. Happy now?"

"Jeez..." I close my mouth and hold my lips tight not to let escape any bad thing. "You're so…" I look away for a second and then stare at her again.

The next thing I know is that I grab her and kiss her.

The kiss is burning hot. We're holding on each other tight as if we'd fall if we were to let go. I feel like a fire was raging inside of my ribcage. There's an urgency that was never there before, my whole body is on fire and all I can think about is the fact that I want more.

We have decided on a common agreement to go slow. After our bad start we thought it was necessary to settle in this relationship and build the trust between us before thinking about moving to the next step. So we had heavy make out session and it was good for the both of us. I suppose we have reached the point where all the desire we have for one another became a tension that is now begging to come out.

We're kissing with passion, our tongue duelling fiercely. I pull back and talk against her lips "Screw the movie," I pant before capturing her lips again. She nods but doesn't break the contact. My hands leave her face and trail their way backward and stop at her thighs. I lift her up and she whimpers in my mouth before instinctively wrapping her legs around my waist as I take the both of us to her room.

I want her. Now.

Walking through her corridor I have to stop and hold her against the walls several times as kissing her it affecting my motor functions. She attaches her mouth on my neck, sucking it avidly. I tighten my grip on her, not wanting to make her fall. My breathing is erratic and I'm sure she can feel my heart beating against her.

I enter her bedroom and loosen my grip, her legs come on the bed and then she immediately drop on her knees so we're still at the same height. Her hands come straight to the buttons on my shirt and she starts to fumble with it has I slip my hands under hers touching her smooth skin. I want to feel her touching me so badly that my whole skin is stinging in anticipation. I lift her shirt up and pass it over her head before pulling her against me. Our hands are frenetic not knowing where to stay and willing to discover every part of each other's body.

My heart is beating so hard that I can feel it pulsing through my veins. I'm nibbling on her neck trying to undo her pants. I moan as her hand sneak under my bra to cup my breasts, her other hand is holding my head in place as I'm kissing her. I unclasp her bra and slide it on her shoulders, getting rid of mine during the few seconds her hands leave my skin. A moan bubble up from my throat as our two skins make the first contact.

Her hands set on my ass to pull me closer to her, I lower my mouth to her neck, nibbling the flesh down until I reach her chest, closing my lips around one of her nipples. She whimpers which makes me weak and my legs almost give up on supporting me.

A foreign sound break the moment, in spite of the sexual haze my brain is currently swimming in I can recognise the sound of my cell phone. "Let it ring," she breathes out before biting my shoulder. As if I had remotely thought about picking that thing up. I wriggle out of my shoes and pants trying not to break the contact with her skin. I kneel down kissing her navel, pulling her pants down. She lies down a bit helping in my task moving her hips along.

My cell phone breaks the symphony of moans and whimpers once again, but once again I ignore it. I lie on top of Catherine pressing one leg against her center feeling her wetness in spite of her panties. My mouth starts to trace the curves of her body, my hands feeling her like I was blind. I cup her suddenly, making her arch up and cry out. I start slow movements with my hand while I'm sucking on her nipple. My hand has yet to pass the barrier of her panties but I can feel her heat burning my hand. One of her hands is gripping the sheets in a tight fist while the other is trying to get through my skin.

I trail my hand up to her stomach, my fingertips are at the hem of her panties, entering slowly, when my phone comes to life again, this time the music break the spell immediately. I tear my mouth from her skin and straighten up on my knees, starting to look for my phone.

"Fuck…what are you doing?" she asked in disbelief.

"I got to take this," I tall her as I'm trying to take my breath. You might think I'm crazy right now – who in their right mind would answer the phone instead on making love to Catherine Willows? – but this ring tone is settled specifically for family calls. Jeremy and Allan are the only numbers to elicit that ring tone. Something's wrong though, usually they text message me or just beep me then I call them back – not to blow their credit, this time it doesn't stop which is unusual. I rummage through my clothes pile up on the floor and reach my phone before it gets to the voicemail.

"Are you kidding me…Sara…" Catherine shakes her head but my focus turns to my phone.

"Hello?" I say hastily. The words penetrate my brain slowly and I instantly feel dizzy. "What?" I blink and close my mouth as I feel sickness mingle with panic overtaking me, I can feel colors leaving my face, my body passes from overheated to frozen. "I'm on my way, I'll be right there sweetie," I hang up and shake myself a bit to gather my wit. I start to dress up again, feeling cold sweat dripping down my back.

"What's going on? Where are you going?"

"It was Allan, Jeremy's at the hospital."

"What? What happened?"

"I don't know, Jeremy had an accident…I got to go…" I stumble on my words.

"I'm coming with you," she says has she's dressing up quickly.

We're in my car barely five minutes later, on my way to the hospital I'm trying hard not to lose it as the worst case scenarios are slowly playing in my head. I can feel my whole body shaking, my heart beating with an erratic rhythm pumping adrenaline through my system. We arrive at the hospital and I park carelessly before jumping out of the car and running in, Catherine right behind me. I reach the reception desk and make sure I have the receptionist's attention before speaking.

"Hi, I'm Sara sidle, my son has just been admitted in emergency, Jeremy Flynn – Sidle, can you help me please," I say as calmly as I can, not missing the slight change in Catherine's features from the corner of my eyes. The nurse quickly gives me information, directing me to a floor. I rush in the corridor until I reach the elevator. It's another 30 seconds before I see the figure of Allan. "Squirt!" I call him, he rushes in my arms as soon as he sees me. His hold on me is tight almost to the point of cutting my breath.

I pull back cup his face gently. "Are you okay?" he nods. "What happened? Are you alone?"

He's about to answer when his teacher emerges from the corridor. "Miss Sidle, I'm glad you're here."

"Mr Fennigan," I shake his hand. He's the boys' basketball coach.

"We couldn't reach your partner…"

"Yeah, she's in conference, probably got her cell turned off," I explain. "What happened, where's Jeremy? Is he alright?"

"He fell during the training, holding his side and crying in pain, we called an ambulance and he passed out. Their first diagnostic was appendicitis," I nod at the information. Allan is standing in front of me and my arms are over his shoulders. "They had to take him in surgery immediately."

"Thank for being there."

"You're welcome."

"I'm sorry it took me so long to be here, if you have to go, please don't let me hold you, you can stay though."

"I'm going to stay a bit," he smiles weakly. I nod in agreement before walking to the chairs in the waiting area.

As soon as I sit down I pass my arms around Allan's shoulder and kiss his head. "You think he's going to be okay?" he asks me.

"I'm sure they're taking care of him very well."

In spite of all my effort to remain calm I can't help the knot in the pit of my stomach. I can't stop the thought that there's a possibility for things not to be good. I hold on tight to Allan, needed the closeness to stay composed. Cath sits next to me and put her hand on my knee gently, silently comforting me.

Allan snuggles a bit more on side. He and his brother might be mature for teen and trying to be brave and tough like men but they need love and affection just like any kids more often than not. I kiss his head and caress his hair in a soothing motion. I'm silently asking any powers above to keep my boys safe.

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**Thanks for reading.**


	44. Chapter 44

**I'm having rotten days from hell at work and Mojo, that little sparkle of mine is wandering around I don't know where...anyway...Thanks for your reviews. **

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**So ;)**

**ps: a very big thanks to **scuby** ;) you know I wouldn't make half of it without you.**

**For** Immi**, your pov matters a lot to me.**

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**Chapter 44: Catherine**

People are buzzing around going in the corridor back and forth. Thirty minutes that we've been here, in the hospital and I'm already feeling claustrophobic. Sara has been alternating between pacing and sitting next to Allan and reassuring him. For my part I've try to provide comfort but it's like I had disappeared from the moment we had set a foot in this place. Sara has barely spared me a glance or talked to me.

She watches her watch for the tenth time in 5 minutes and then starts to pace again. She's anxious to say the least. In all the time we've been here nobody has told us anything about Jeremy's condition. All we know is that he's in surgery. I wouldn't have understood all the deepness of her worry if I hadn't learned the true nature of her relationship with the boys and Nancy. See, this little accident had to happen for me to find out that she has legal right over the boys.

Sure she always referred to them as her family, but I thought it was only an image. How wrong was I…

My mind is too unfocused to think about this now though, I'm worried about the well being of my nephew. I know it's a routine operation, and that it's not an uncommon thing, I mean he only had the appendicitis, it could have been worse, but until he comes out of the block safe and sound I'll keep on hoping for the best.

Time passes by and Sara suddenly stops her pacing, she looks at her watch and gets to the pay phone not far. She dials a number and waits. I suppose that she's calling Nancy.

"Nance, it's me…I need you to listen to me…stay calm alright?...I'm at the hospital right now, Jeremy is in surgery, apparently he had the appendicitis…" she says firmly, obviously doing her best to sound calm and collected when she's anything but. "Nance?... he's alright, he's with me right now…Nance, honey, calm down, ok…I know….just ask for someone to drive you here or please drive safely ok? I'll see you in a few…" she hangs up.

I'm trying not to think about the fact that she called Nancy 'honey', or even about the fact that earlier she didn't flinched when Mr. Finley referred to Nancy as her partner. I shouldn't feel irrationally jealous right now. I mean, the situation is critical and I can understand parents worry. Still, something is bugging me and I know that it runs deep.

It's barely ten minutes before Nancy arrives, she runs straight into Sara's arms. They have this quiet exchange and something in me burns as if I had a hot iron resting on my heart. I stand up, grab my purse and silently leave. Don't get me wrong I really care about my nephew and ill call to have news on his state, but right now I feel like an intruder in my own family. I try to rationalize my departure thinking that I need to be with Lindsey anyway.

xxxxx

I didn't see Sara in tonight, but I guess she stayed with Nancy all night. Nancy called and left a message saying that Jeremy was alright, that he was still asleep, that he will have to stay at the hospital for the next two days but that everything is fine.

During my entire shift I've been debating on whether or not I should call Sara, but then I decided against. I went at her place before coming home but there was no one in, knowing that she was probably at Nancy's didn't do me any good. The feeling of hurt I had earlier came back and it was barely bearable.

xxxxx

Two days go by without seeing or hearing about Sara. I didn't even cross her path at the hospital when I went to see Jeremy. I haven't called her at all and I only suppose that she had better things to think about rather than calling me. I know my attitude is childish and irrational but I can't help it.

I'm not open to be hurt, I've been hurting for over two years, I think it's enough for a lifetime. So now, I just pull back and retreat in my shell when I feel the hurt creeping in my chest surrounding my heart.

So basically I've been moping around in my house. Hurt that she didn't call me, but feeling a bit stupid for acting like I do. I should call her, after all I left without a word. I just can't bring myself to do it.

There's a knock on my door, I stand up from the chair I had been sitting on in the kitchen and go to the door. It seems like I won't have to call after all. I open the door and step aside to let Sara coming in. she goes straight in my living room but doesn't sit down. I join her and we watch each other for a long moment in silence.

"I'd think that you had more to say," she starts, I just look away in response. She waits for me to speak but continues when she understands that I won't. "I need to understand what's going on here. First you leave without a word and then you don't give any signs for two days, correct me f I'm wrong but I was under the impression that we were involved."

She sighs at my muteness "Cath, help me here, because honestly I'm lost and I really don't know what's the deal here," she asks in a softer voice.

"When were you about to tell me about it?"

"About what?" she frowns.

"About the fact that you have legal right over Jeremy and Allan," I elaborate. "They're sharing your name and I didn't know about it."

"You knew about that, I know Nancy told you."

"No, she told me about her intention, then you two broke up for the first time and I never knew if you had it done or not."

"I thought you knew…no I assumed you knew. This isn't going to be a problem, is it?" she frowns.

"I don't know," I reply honestly.

"What? What do you mean, you don't know?"

"I don't know how I feel about that."

"Cath…they are my family."

"But you never told me and if it wasn't for that little trip to the hospital I wouldn't have known at all, maybe never."

"I really thought you knew," she repeats. "You're making a big deal of this and it doesn't need to be…"

"What else will I have to find? Nancy and you got married?"

She laughs. "Oh yeah, we drove up to Canada one weekend and tied the knot…you missed a beautiful service," she replies sarcastically. "Come on, Cath."

"Don't mock me!" I snap.

"Sorry, but I can't very well take you seriously right now."

"Do you still love her?"

"Yes I love her…but I'm not in love with her," she answers without hesitation. "I'll always love her, Cath. I told you that to start with and I think it's terribly unfair to keep drilling me on my previous relationship… I don't keep bringing up your ex…"

"Well excuse me but I don't remember dating one of your brothers and having kids with them."

"This is ridiculous…Catherine…"

"No," I say firmly. "I want you to be with me completely…but you're tied to her, you'll always be tied to her," I finally let out.

"Do you expect me to just never have anything to do with her? Do you want me to never see the boys again? Because if that's what you expect it's not going to happen," she says vehemently.

"I need you to be with me Sara, not half with her."

"Damn it I am with you!"

"You're with me 70 of the time for the rest you're over at her house!"

"You know she never complained when I spend my nights working beside you," she replies. I feel like she had just squeezed my heart. She realized what she just said and remorse immediately paints her face. "Sorry, that was unfair and uncalled for, I shouldn't have said that."

"No you shouldn't."

She sighs. "I wish I could help you right now, but it's something you have to deal with on your own, I'm not jeopardizing my family for anyone…even for you. It's like I was asking you to choose between Lindsey and me, I might not share genetic with the boys but the love is there and if I have a choice to make then…" she trails off but her decision is clear for the both of us.

"I think you should go," I dismiss her.

She nods absentmindedly and leaves silently.

One step forward and three steps back. I thought that old dance was behind us, I guess we don't know how to work differently.

xxxxx

"How was your day?" Nancy asks me as she's pouring me a cup of coffee.

"Fine," I say between my teeth.

"Want some cake with that?"

"No."

"So, how is it going?" I grumble and inarticulate response. "Well, aren't we moody today."

I look at her but don't say anything. I've been thinking and thinking for the past three days. Sara and I are basically not talking except about work and I think she's giving me space to figure things out on my own. It's funny because in my head when I finally was with Sara, it never occurred to me that it would be anything but smooth. In my head everything was perfect and there was never any bump on the road, well yeah there were little arguments, but the bottom line is that we were so compatible that nothing major ever came in our way.

I couldn't have fooled myself any more. Now I have to live on the shadow of my sister and the fact that she'll always be a part in Sara's life. Sara will never be completely mine. She'll always be tied to Nancy and their relationship will always be between us.

I don't mind Sara having a family, what I do mind is that the say family includes my sister.

"I haven't seen Grant at the hospital," I say flatly. Nancy stops everything she's doing and her expression becomes hard and grave. This might be the only string no one is allowed to pull. I never really cared about that rule though.

"Where did that come from?" she asks with a calm voice. Her stare is burning holes through me. "Why would he be here in the first place?"

"Well, as the boys' father it's logical to think that he would have been at his son's bed."

"I think I just had an auditory hallucination. Their…father? Is it what you just said? You're fucking kidding me, right?" her voice is even but I can say that she's angry, very much so, her swearing is a good evidence of that fact.

"Well that's what he is, isn't he?"

"Their father…" she snorts. "If he has ever been anything to them it's their sperm donor. He never gave a flying fuck about them in 14 years, never once did he cared about their well being," she says through her teeth.

"I remember him being there for Jeremy."

"Four pathetic months he spent in Jeremy's early life doesn't make a father out of him. He left me when I was pregnant the first time, he came back, crawling back into my bed and I was so blinded by my feelings that I fell for him again – but then again seeing you and Eddie I'm sure you know what I'm talking about, he gave me Allan and disappeared again, I call that an asshole not a father, Eddie was more of a father than Grant ever was and I never thought that Eddie was worthy to have a child," she spits. "Fucking hell, he never even recognized them as his own! What the fuck is wrong with you?" she looks at me with fury. She takes a deep breath to compose herself again. "Even if Grant showed at my doorstep saying that he's dying and he wants to know his kid, I'd send him rot in hell myself. The boys have parents, and Grant isn't in this picture…" she trails off and I can see the glint of understanding in her eyes.

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me…so this is it, the core of the problem."

"Yes this is the core of the problem, how come you never told me about the depth of Sara's commitment?"

"I told you!"

"No you didn't!"

"Yes, I did, I told you that Sara and I had thought about it a lot, and that we had decided to do it, that only the papers were missing. How is that not telling you?" she replies. "I told you, you just chose to ignore it."

She's right, it was a time of my life where I was so much into Sara that I was blocking every thought of her happy with someone that wasn't me, every thought of her taking her away from me.

"What don't you tell me what the real problem is?"

"What the problem is? Are you kidding me?" I ask rhetorically. "The problem is that my girlfriend has a bigger part in your life than she has in mine. My problem is that I want my girlfriend to be with me, I want to build something with her but I can't thanks to you."

"Sara is with you!"

"She's with me half of the time, the other half she uses it to play house with you! How unfair is that?"

"Do you realize how petty you sound? I'm not forcing Sara to come here, she does it on her own will. She has the right to see the boys whenever she wants, and she can adapt her schedule at will so don't tell me she's not with you at 100," Nancy replies firmly. "What do you want Cath? You want her to stop seeing the boys altogether?"

"No….no…I just…" I'm so upset I can't seem to find my words.

"What do you want?"

"I want… I want to have what you had!!" I finally explode. "I want to have the chance you had, I want a fair shot at this and I can't…I don't have it."

She frowns and stares at me like I was particularly slow. She shakes her head slowly before looking away. "Does she take care of you?"

"Yes," I answer without a doubt.

"Is she there for you whenever you need her?"

"Yes."

"Does she surprise you?"

"Yes."

"Does she take care of Lindsey?"

"Yes."

"Is she affectionate and attentive?"

"Yes, very much so…" I'm going to protest or at least ask her what her point is but she keeps on.

"Does she listen to you?"

"Yes…but…"

"Does she make you laugh and provides comfort and a feeling of safety?"

"Yes Nance, but…"

"Then wake up Cath! You have exactly what I had! And for some unknown reason you're trying to find every reason to make this difficult. Maybe you should start enjoying what you have and actually give it a chance and time to work out. Or you could keep on the path you seemed to have chosen and ruin it for good, that's up to you," she shakes her head and starts to walk away. Then she stops at my level and her stare is cold "Don't you dare bringing Grant up again, or it'll be a long time before we ever talk again, you hear me?" her voice is low and steady, leaving no room for argue or jokes. I just nod seriously in answer, then she walks away.

On one hand she's right, she might be right. But I can't help but think that she's wrong. Yes, Sara is there for me, and she's all those things, she likes me, that's a solid fact now.

She likes me. That's the problem.

I want her to want me. I want her to love me. I need her to love me.

I love her, but what about her? Does she?

"I want her to love me," I voice aloud before Nancy disappears completely in the corridor. She stops dead on her tracks and looks at me over her shoulder not really facing me. "I need her to love me. Because I love her and I need to know that she loves me back," tears and despair are mingling with my voice. "Can you tell me that she loves me? Can you?"

Even though I can't see her face I know she's pondering whether answering me or not. She opens her mouth a first time but closes it and sighs. "Sara's only one to know her feelings," is her simple answer before she disappears in the corridor.

I don't know what I should read in her silence, whether I should see hope or just disillusion.

I lean my arms on the island and then hold my head in my hands before starting to sob and cry.

Does she love me?

I don't really know if my heart can handle the answer to this one.

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** I know, I know, you're starting to think that I'll make you wait forever, but you're wrong we're heading to the end of this story and I do mean it, so...just have faith in me, like always, you know I always reward your patience.**

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	45. Chapter 45

**My, my, look at this, an update barely 4 days after the previous one! Hey, Mojo came back and it was high on something...anyway...thank you so much for the reviews.**

**Enjoy,**

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**ps: **scuby,** as always thank you very much for helping me out. **

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**Chapter 45: Sara**

"Okay guys, do we have everything?" Warrick asks to Allan and Jeremy. He has offered them to go to a cabin near Lake Mead this week end.

"Let's check one last time," Allan replies. Then they busy themselves checking their equipment and baggage.

I'm sitting on one side of the island facing Nancy who's on the other side. We've been chatting and laughing, looking at the boys while they were all excited about their week end away.

"I think we're ready to go," Warrick announces as he comes back to the living room.

"Alright, be safe, call us when you arrive," I start as I hug the boys and tell them I love them, then Nancy imitates me. "Rick, if you don't bring them back in one piece I'll kill you," I tell him seriously.

"I'll take great care of them, you have my words," he hugs me and then hugs and kisses Nancy on the cheek. "Bye, see you in two days."

We wave them goodbye and then resume our position in the kitchen. 

"You two grew up quite close," I state taking a sip of my bottle of water.

"Yeah, ever since the dinner at Meg and Tommy's, and since he's my partner for the pool tournament we spend a lot of time together, I like him, he's really cool."

"Right the pool tournament, speaking of which, how is it going with….Amy?" I tiptoe around the question.

I have to admit that I never thought that Nancy would go for women after me – well neither did she actually. So it came as a surprise when she had her views on one of Tommy's friends, Amy.

"Uff…" she sighs. "Well, she's really a good person, fun and smart, quite surprising in bed, but just not…girlfriend material," she enumerates.

"Oh Nance, come on!" I whine.

"What? She's not," she frowns, misunderstanding my reaction.

"That might be I don't need to know about her performance in bed, come on, I'd rather not think about…you know."

"Don't play coy, what did you expect?"

"Surprising in bed?" I echo her words.

"Well she was far from even brushing the high standard you've settled," she winks at me and I can't help the smug smile on my face now. "And I might remind you that I'm the one dealing with the fact that you're going into my sister's pants so if someone should be touchy about this subject it's me," she chuckles.

"To tell the truth Cath and I never got that far."

"Yeah right," she snorts. She looks at me thinking that I'm joking. I just raise my eyebrows and tighten my lips in response. "You're not joking."

"Nope."

"Oh," she breathes out. "You know with the way you always seem to suck on each other's face…I mean…you want her…right?"

"I do."

"Then…?"

"Well, luck seems to play against us, we wanted to take it slow and then when we were about to…Jeremy had the appendicitis…and now…well things are a bit tense right now."

"Yeah I got that part alright," she says with a voice a bit colder than usual.

"I see, you talked to her."

"I did," she simply answers.

"Then you probably know what the problem is."

"Talk to me," she pleads.

"It's Catherine, she's overreacting, she thinks I lied to her, which I didn't, I thought you had told her about me becoming the second parent of the boys. She has a problem with us and the fact that we are a family," I tell her probably echoing Catherine's words. "I don't understand why it's such an issue for her, but it is, and I can't do anything about her, I mean she's the one who has to sort this out. I'm not choosing between my family and her, if she asks me to then it's a done deal and she'll lose without hesitation."

"What do you feel for her?" Nancy asks out of the blue.

"I…care for her," I reply uncertain.

"That's it?" she asks raising her eyebrows.

"Well it's hard to think beyond caring when you're constantly getting kicked in the gut," I say flatly. "She's always reproaching me my relationship with you, nothing I do is ever enough, I give her everything I have but it's not enough."

"You care about her," she repeats. "She's in love with you and you just…care"

"I feel…I feel really strong about her, so strong it's scary, alright?"

"What are you afraid of?"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me."

"I'm not afraid."

"Really, because now that I think about it, it feels like you were using your responsibilities toward this family as a shield from your feelings. You know, like it was an easy exit," she states.

"I resent that!"

"What's holding you back then? What are you afraid of?"

"Stop saying I'm afraid! I'm not okay! I just need time, I'm still figuring things out and I don't see why I should rush myself. I need time, but she's getting everything I can give and if it's not enough then… I… I don't know what to do," I say vehemently. "I am not afraid," I repeat firmly.

"Aren't you?"

"Oh…bite me," I dismiss her before standing up bluntly and walking to the door. I don't even spare her another word or glance before leaving her house.

I'm not afraid. I just…need time to… I just need time, it's not a crime, is it?

xxxxx

I've barely spoken to Catherine in a whole week. First because I've been confined to the lab for three days – somehow I had managed to make overtime, and then when I was on the field she was off. Well, true I could have called or just drop by her place, but … I don't know which one of us needs space. My mind is swirling in confused thoughts ever since I talked to Nancy.

I want to be with Catherine, but if she can't accept the fact that Nancy, the boys and I are a family, then it's a compromise I'll never make. And then…I don't know, I'm not sure of my footing here and it frustrates me. 

Truth is, that this space between us is killing me. 

Tonight we're working together, or at least in theory. We weren't on the field at the same time and we're crossing paths in the lab, not intentionally but it's really crazy around. So except for paging her about meetings, my whereabouts and result I have yet to have time with her.

On the first break I get I go in the break room and pour two mugs of coffee. Then I go to the A/V room where I know she is from the last time she paged me. She doesn't tear her eyes from the screen when I come in. I sit next to her a push one mug in her direction. "There you go."

Only when she registers my voice does she turns to me with a slightly surprised expression. She seems out of it, she's pale and if the dark circles under her eyes are of any indication I'd say she hasn't slept properly in a while. She frowns a bit and looks at the mug next to her, she looks at me again and smiles weakly. "Thanks."

She reverts her attention to the screen and we stay silent. "How are the boys?" she asks suddenly.

"They're good, they're still high from their little trip with Warrick to the Lake Mead," I snort with smile.

"Right, he told me about it," she smiles absentmindedly.

Once more we let silence falling between us. I decide to be bold and rest my hand on top of hers. It takes her a few seconds before squeezing my hand a little in response. I'm about to tell her that I want us to fix things up when my pager goes off, breaking the fragile spell that had been cast on us. She breaks the contact and I stand up. We stare at each other not knowing what to say, in the end I just leave in silence.

When it's finally time to go home, I'm surprised to see her waiting by my car. "Do you…mind giving me a lift? Warrick drove me here," she explains.

I shake my head no and smile my assent. We both get in the car and during the whole way to her place there's nothing but the light rumble of the engine and the sweet whisper of the radio.

I park in her driveway, but I don't dare looking at her. She doesn't make any signs to get out of the car, not that I want her to.

"I miss you," I finally confess.

"I miss you too, Sara," she turns to me.

Once more I take her hand in mind, amazing how such a little contact can be so overwhelming at the same time. "Can we try to fix things up?" I ask her.

"I was jealous…of you and Nancy," she simply replies. "Of your relationship, it seemed so perfect….of what you two built together…You have such a strong connection…sometimes it's hard…because it's like no one else could fit in…" she looks away. "You becoming more involved in the boys' life was only logical…they're lucky to have you…" she smiles and then looks at me again. "I was selfish…it's just that…I think I'm afraid not to have the chance Nancy had…with you…" she reaches out her hand and rests it on my cheek. "I've been thinking a lot and I realize that I've been unfair to you. My biggest problem being that I keep on comparing what we have to what you and Nancy had, or at least to what I saw you had. But it's different, because I'm not her. I'm sorry."

"I'm with you Cath, because I want to be with you and I'm not using you as a substitute for Nancy. I want us to have a fair chance."

"I want that too," she nods.

I lean in and let our lips meet in a tender kiss. I bring my hand on the nap of her neck to deepen the contact, as her tongue meets mine the reaction is immediate, my heart flutter and both our moans mingle together. She pulls back and rests her head against my forehead. I'm shaking and slightly out of breath.

"I love you," she whispers.

I know this is my cue to say something, but I just can't let the words pass my lips. After about a minute of silence she pulls away from me completely with a deep sigh. 

"I am sorry," I say miserably. Not the three words she was expecting. She closes her eyes not to let her tears fall, but it's vain as two drops run down her cheeks. "I'm still figuring things out…I need time…you had time to know what you felt…I need time as well…I'm not doing this to hurt you…" I start.

"I understand," she sniffs. "I can't do this Sara," she says passing her hands over her face to erase the wetness. "My feelings are hurting me too much, this uncertainty is hurting me too much."

"I understand," I say weakly.

"If it's time you need then…" she opens her door. "I don't know how much longer I can put up with this so you know, maybe by the time you figure things out it will be too late…" bittersweet irony, my own words thrown back at me. Fate has cruel ways to play around.

She steps out of the car before I can reply and goes in her house without looking at me at all.

I lean my head back against my seat and close my eyes tightly before knocking my head back three times.

Fuck it.

xxxxx

Days have gone by and things are unbearable. I've been thinking and now I think I'm ready to face the core of the problem. I enter Nancy's house hastily and join her in the kitchen. I've been thinking so much that my mind is ready to explode. I'm like a fury now. She's about to ask me what's wrong but I don't give her that chance.

"You broke my heart," I tell her with a wavering voice.

There, I said it. I finally said what has been weighting on my heart for so long.

She asked me what I was so afraid of, I denied it with all my breath, but she was right, I'm afraid, scared out of my mind even.

"Breaking up with you broke my heart, it broke it so badly I'm not even sure that I completely put it back together or that I ever will for that matter. I've never been so hurt in my whole life, I could barely breathe when it all came down on me. Learning to live without you was excruciation, my body all my being was begging for you, for you to be there all the time, for everything to be right. It's been Hell, even worse," I elaborate.

"Because it's been rainbows and butterflies on my side right?" she replies bitterly.

"I loved you, I gave you everything I had, everything…and then….it was all gone…and I've never felt so empty."

"This isn't about us…" she starts but I keep on like she hadn't talked.

"What if I let her in and then it doesn't work? I feel so strong for her that I know I won't survive to that hurt. I can't, it's too much for me."

I have feelings for Catherine, I can't deny that, feelings powerfully scary. I can't help but being scared at how deep she has made her way under my skin in so little time, how she can make me so weak with the littlest gesture, how much I want to give her and how much she makes me feel. Breaking up with Nancy devastated me both times and I never thought I'd ever feel as much as I felt for her, but I feel now for Catherine is proving me wrong. Those feelings will be the death of me.

"So that's it?" she asks rhetorically. "That's all? You're scared to be hurt so you don't give it a shot altogether?" she frowns at me. "That's shitty."

"Well fuck you! You might be bullet proof but I'm not!" I shout at her.

Our break up has been smooth and clean, but there are a lot of things we had chosen not to talk about. Maybe because we weren't ready, maybe because then we could pretend everything was fine, either way now it came back to bite us right on our asses.

"This is what love is about, opening yourself to the possibility to be hurt, but opening yourself completely to have a chance to taste happiness. And you're refusing it because you're scared? That's too easy!" she shouts back. "You think it was okay for me? You think I wanted us to be apart? I didn't! I was seeing us together in years to come, I thought you were the one damn it! But you know what? It didn't work, and it's over and it hurts badly. But it's life, and I don't regret a single second of it."

She takes a few breaths to calm down again. "I'm not bullet proofed…sometimes I doubt I'll ever love again the way I loved you, that I'll ever be able to have the same with someone new…but that won't stop me from trying. And if you don't give it a chance because you're scared then you're an idiot. And I'll remind you this for the rest of your life, don't count on me to have sympathy because I won't, you're the one ruining it and throwing away something that could be great."

Burning tears are rolling down my face. 

"If you love her, Sara, I dare you to walk away because you're so selfish you'd rather stay safe than being with her. I dare you to do it because that would be the greatest mistake of your life. Sure it might not work, but it could work. Don't think it's easy for me to tell you this, and to encourage you to take a chance, if I had things my way you and I would still be together," she smiles sadly before whipping her tears away. "My heart is crushing down in my chest when I have to see you looking at her like you used to look at me, when you kiss her and I know what she must felt. But we are over, we had our shot, we did our best and it's over, and I'll come to terms with that."

I stare at her not knowing what to say.I'm speechless as i understand the deepness of her statement.It seems like we hadn't closed that chapter of our lives properly after all.

"You should ask yourself what's worse: taking a chance with the possibility of getting hurt, or not trying at all, losing her for good and passing the rest of your days wondering how great it could have been," she starts to walk away but then looks at me again. "Do me a favour," I just nod in response. "Don't use your brain to answer that."

And with that she leaves me standing in the living room, confused, lost and hurt.

* * *

**Okay, as I said it before, we're heading toward the end, I'm going now, but I shall be back soon.**

**Thanks for reading.**


	46. Chapter 46

**Howdy! Today 21st of March I'm celebrating my 23rd birthday and on this occasion I've decided to make not one but two updates. It's also the last, because this is the end. Thank you all for your reviews.**

**Enjoy, **

**So ;)**

**ps: **scuby** thank you for helping me out as always and sticking around ;)**

Immi**, this chap is for you because it wouldn't have been without you and that brilliant mind of yours ;) **

* * *

**Chapter 46: Catherine**

Rain, pouring rain. That's the only thing I've been looking at for the past weeks.

'_It rains in the city like it cries in my heart...'_ when we were young Nancy would read French poetry when it rained, go figure why I have this particular line in head. I can't remember who wrote the poem, or the poem in itself for that matter, just words mingled in my head.

I guess I just understand what the poet meant. Infinite sadness. That's what I feel.

Two weeks ago I had hoped that Sara and I would probably pick tings up where we left them, but now I resigned myself to the fact that it might never happen.

She cares for me, that's granted, but it's not enough. I told her I loved her. She already knew, but it's the first time since we're together that I did tell her. I've been met with nothing but silence, silence and uncertainty.

You might think that I'm unfair or asking got too much. This love has been killing me for three years before and it's killing me day by day now. I've been waited for so long, then why can't I wait a little more? After all her indecision is like a drop of water in the ocean. 

I think I've reached the ultimate stage of suffering. I mean there's only so much one can take and I've taken much more than that. Sara's uncertainty and indifference do nothing other than making bullet holes in my heart, and I'd rather save the only remains than risk losing it completely.

A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction. 

So yeah, this is it, I'm giving up. Maybe Warrick was right, Sara and I might not be meant to be together. In my head everything was fine, we were happy and in love. It's a bitter thing to find out that my fantasy of us was actually the best part of it all.

Stupid rain.

Maybe I should join Lindsey in Montana. My mom took the boys and Linds on holidays back in Montana, Linds said it was sunny over there. Sun might make my heartbreak a bit less bitter.

I must put myself back together. I can't mope around until the end of time. I've been moping for over two weeks – well since the last time I talked and saw Sara. I had to take days away from work. At first I tried to keep my head up but then everything overwhelmed me so I had to get away. And now after one week wandering around like a lonely soul, losing appetite and sleep I'm going through depression.

Love is just like cancer, it eats you alive little by little.

I must put myself back together. Bury that love, grieve it and move on for good. It won't be easy because Sara will always have a part of myself, but I have to come to term with it. 

I decide to leave my bedroom so I stand up and drag my feet in the living room before plopping down the couch. I turn on the TV and channel surf without enthusiasm. After five minutes I turn it off and go to the kitchen. I open the fridge without really thinking and close it deciding to have some tea. I go to the sink to fill the kettle with water.

As I look through the window I stop breathing when I see the silhouette I'd recognize anywhere in a heartbeat. Sara. She is there in the pouring rain. She takes three steps toward my house, stops, turns around and takes three steps away before stopping and turning back toward the house, she stops again and shakes her head, probably lost in some inner rambling. She repeats the same dance again and again like she was literally stuck on repeat.

Cold water spills on my hand shaking me out of my observation. I turn off the tap and put the kettle down, I wipe my hands and go to my door. I try to calm myself and then open the door. I see her turning around and take her three steps away. She turns around and she's so caught up with her thought that she doesn't see me and actually turns around to take her steps back. I lean against my doorframe, figuring that eventually she'll see me.

She turns around and stops herself from stepping toward the house as she sees me.

"May I know what you're doing?" I ask her flatly.

"I…I was…trying to muster courage to knock," she explains. 

"Well I spared you the effort. Do you realize that it's pouring rain?"

She looks up as if she needed it and she seems to discover the weather. "Oh…right…" 

I look at her silently, waiting for her to explain her presence but she's looking away lost in thoughts. "Sara, what…"

"The universe has an inconceivable size, I mean it's not huge…it's…inconceivably big and wide…" she starts a bit agitated. I can't help but frown. "It's like…contemplating nothing or infinity or eternal life…it's…obscenely big…" she runs a hand on her hair and I'm trying not to question her sanity yet. "It's like my feelings for you…they have an inconceivable size…like universe…"

Now she got my undivided attention.

"They are so big and so intense and deep…it's like being stuck in a black hole…and it scares the shit out of me…See, the problem is that those feelings are killing me, eating me alive from inside…" she moves her vigorously hands as she speaks. "And those are intact so far…I mean can you imagine the incommensurable pain or hurt or emptiness if those were taken away or destroyed…it would be the end of a universe…my universe…"

I don't dare to speak, I just look at her as she struggles with her words. I listen carefully but don't let emotions get to me just yet.

"I can't promise the butterflies, the rainbows or any of the mushy stuff that make love story seem so romantic on fairy tales…I can't…and if I could, I wouldn't…you know why? Because all this junk make things perfect and simple….and I don't want simple…I can't have simple…because simple things are a drag…they are nothing but a drag…and I don't want that…I want complicated and imperfect…I can promise you that…I can promise argument over who gets to choose the movie…or arguments over who gets to drive or what we do for our night off…I can promise you little complication that life always brings…I can promise you awkwardness, because I'll be so nervous about a date… I can promise laughers…and cuddling and quiet evening just talking…and I can promise you surprises because it's good to go blindfolded, not planning anything, just go with the flow of the moment…"

If I wasn't petrified I might actually take a second to care about the fact that she seems a bit crazy right now throwing her hands in all directions. Instead, I'm holding my breath afraid that this moment is just a dream even more afraid that it could be real.

"I can promise you hurt and even cry sometimes…it's not that I want it, but that's the whole point, that's what makes love real and true…see love is a powerful and inconceivably big feeling, sometimes it hurts, destroys, it's poisonous and it breaks hearts, but it makes people smile and happy and silly…all the beauty of love lies in its imperfections, those imperfections makes it more intense and real…I love your imperfections, I also love your qualities…I love the freckles on your shoulders, I love this annoying habit you have to shake your leg when you're impatient, I love that you pout when you don't have the last word… I love that lock of hair that always fall on your eyes…I love that you sing a bit off tune…I love that you get self conscious when I tell you a compliment…I love the sound of satisfaction you make every time you eat chocolate…"

Even though I'm sure I'm still breathing I don't have the sensation that oxygen was actually getting in and out of me. 

"You know I didn't think you were beautiful at first, you were attractive…but the very first time you strike me as beautiful was one day after a double shift, you were so tired you had barely energy to move, you had dark bags under your eyes, and you were looking so vulnerable and fragile, for one moment you weren't that over confident woman you try to be all the time, you were you, just Catherine…you took my breath away that day…I love the sound of your laugh…I love that you chuckle, cry or get upset when you're so engross in a book that it's like you were living in the story…I love your stubbornness…I love everything about you…"

"There's a whole universe here…" she says pointing at her chest, her heart. "A whole universe made for you…full of love and so much more…I want you to see it, I want to share it with you…" she shakes her head a little bit. "I'm giving you my heart…it's fragile and maybe a bit dysfunctional sometimes…there you have my heart in your hands…please be careful and don't let it go because it needs you….see I'm giving it to you but I didn't have to ask myself questions because…it belongs to you…my heart belongs to you…"

I can't breathe, and I'm afraid to fall flat on my ass so much my legs are like jelly. My head is spinning and at this point I'm not sure if I'm dreaming or if this is real. I feel like I had received a punch in the guts. I can feel a jolt of electricity burning my skin from inside, it like an earthquake was happening inside myself.

I feel hot tears rolling down my cheek and I'm panting. I'm afraid I might pass out. I'm afraid, period.

I take one step forward and flinch, my legs are like cotton, my steps are unsteady. Cold rain is pouring, soaking me to the bones but my skins is so hot that I don't care. I get closer to Sara not leaving her eyes.

"So what I'm trying to say…my point is that…I'm in love with you…no…I'm madly in love with you…" she nods. "I love you Catherine."

Holy…

I don't think anything could have prepared me to hear those words from her. I reach out a hand and tentatively rest it on her cheek. I'm amazed she doesn't disappear.

Oh my god. She's really here, she is for real, this is for real.

"I love you Catherine…and I..." I don't give her the chance to finish as I grab her face a kiss her. She holds me tight to her and kisses me back with passion.

I can't take the pressure bubbling up inside me. I'm on fire and I need to be under her skin. I feel a whirlwind of emotions begging to be unleashed. 

I pull back from our kiss and I realize that we are outside in pouring rain. Sara leans in, capturing my lips again. I start to pull her with me as I walk backward. We almost stumble on the stairs but eventually make it in the house. I close the door, all the while never breaking the kiss.

I push her coat away on her shoulders. She pulls her hands off me for a split second so she can get rid of the garment completely. Her hands get back on my soaked clothes and she starts to pull my shirt out of my pants. Her hands are warm on my cold skin, burning path on me.

We keep moving backwards awkwardly, bumping in the furniture, but I can't summon myself to break the kiss in order to go to the bedroom.

Our kiss is intense, and desperate, so desperate it's scary, I can taste my tears on her lips, we're holding each other so tightly it's like I could feel my heart beating through her chest.

I lose my footing and stumble back, in spite of our effort we lose against gravity and fall on the floor. 

"You okay?" Sara asks hastily. I don't bother answering and attach my lips to her neck, but then quickly move back to her lips.

My hands are on the jungle of her hair, not ready to let her stop kissing me just yet. I feel her reaching for my hands and taking them in hers, then she pulls back and looks at me. She kisses my palms and then bends over me and kisses my lips slowly. She finishes to open my shirt, peeling this second skin away. She kisses me again, slowly, setting a new pace, taming the urgency that was overtaking us just seconds ago. I take the hem of her drenched top and we break the kiss just the necessary seconds to get rid of it, taking this occasion to completely pull mines off as well.

Her hands on me are delicate in their caresses and full of reverence, yet the touch is burning hot and it's unleashing a wave of need in me. I want to touch her everywhere at the same time. Her skin is soft, warm under my fingertips. I trail my hands all over her back before diving in her pants from behind. I can feel her shivering, and the little sounds she makes in reaction make me want her even more.

Our exploration of each other is clumsy, tender yet passionate. Sara manages to work our way out of our bra, she's now feeling my heart beats under her lips. Our legs are entwined moving on their own accord. 

It's too much and not enough. I think I'm going soon to combust so much the fire in me is intense and wild.

I grab Sara's hand from my breast and lead it southward, past the barrier of my clothe bringing her where I need it the most. As soon as her hand touches my heat I see stars and start to get very high.

Our breaths are mingling along with moans and whimper. I hold on her back with force, her moves are strong, and steady, I can feel my heart knocking against my chest so fast that it hurts, there's this deep sizzling sensation in the pit of my stomach making my whole body ache.

I feel like my heart was crushed when I come, unable to breathe, with my body tense and all contracted, then a wave washes over me making me shake violently.

Sara has her head buried on my neck, she's holding me firmly, not retreating from me yet. She kisses my neck, nibbles at it and then kisses her way back to my lips. We kiss deeply and passionately, she pulls back and looks at me. There's an emotion between awe and surprise on her feature. We lose ourselves in each other's eyes.

I startle a bit as I feel her move her fingers again, my body is hypersensitive and the sensation are tenfold. Her moves are deep but slow, very slow. Her eyes don't leave mine. I feel the connection between us so strongly that it's like we were really one, our hearts are beating frantically, our body are moist from sweat and earlier rain, the heat radiating from us it red-hot, our breath short and shaky. I can feel the essence of her crawling under my skin, digging a way to my heart and soul, taking possession of my whole self.

I can feel something big, inconceivably big bubbling inside me, threatening to swallow us both. I can feel each move of her fingers, I feel myself going higher and higher. My hands are slowly clinging tighter on her back, digging my nails in her flesh. 

We haven't broken the eye contact as if we were making love with them as well. She can sense me being close and she mouth 'I love you', only for me and my heart to hear. It all stops for like an eternity. My heart, time everything, one moment of perfect osmosis. I dig my nails deeper in her back, holding her for dear life, as a whirlwind just turns me upside down from inside, I call her name in a silent cry before closing my eyes not able to stand the overwhelming feeling taking over me.

When I come back to my senses Sara is looking at me with loving brown eyes. I smile through my tears. 

"I love you too."

Nothing more need to be said.


	47. Chapter 47

**Chapter 47: Sara**

I'm in love.

That's what was scaring me so much. Well, it still does. 

Love…it's an indefinable feeling. There's no real rhyme or reason behind it. People try to make sense of it, try to rationalize it, because they don't feel comfortable when they don't understand something. I tried to do that too, but I was wrong, because when it comes to something like love, it's extremely difficult to rationalize the 'why' behind it, and that's what make it so scary.

I'm in love. At first I panicked and then I tried to rationalize it. But I can't because love is just that, love. Love is scary as hell, it's overwhelming and so much bigger than the people who feel it. It's not something you can control, not even remotely. It's impossible to rationalize something like love, it's like a flung into a sea of irrational thought. There are a thousand reasons to lust after a friend or someone we know. There's just no logical reason for falling in love with someone.

Love is like…it's not a tree that comes from the roots of friendship or lust…it's the tornado that surrounds the tree, picks it up and fuses it with another tree. A trip like that is bound to leave someone incoherent and dizzy, especially since the tornado kind of stick around forever.

So yeah, love is scary and indefinable. It's really terrifying and it takes a lot of courage to leap in head first and act on it.

I overcome my fear of being hurt and completely crushed by this love, because there's no use to have such a feeling and keep it for myself. I want to share it with Cath and I want to try. And even if it doesn't work – though I hope with all I am that it will work, then I'll never regret this choice.

I came to Cath's last night and I poured myself out in an irrational and illogical kind of way, but I'm in love so I have the right to be like that – crazy, irrational and illogical. I told her I loved her, I love her. Then I loved her, on her corridor floor because we couldn't make it to the bedroom.

The connection we made after was…wow…I'm still all shaken by it, and I know this with a blinding clarity, I don't want to ever lose this feeling, this connection.

We made it to the bedroom afterward, and we made love through the night. Now she's sleeping soundly but I just can't close my eyes and stop the amazement coursing my veins. I'm in love with her and she's in love with me.

I know I'll do everything to make this work and never let this love go.

I kiss Cath's shoulder blade twice and pull her to me so I spoon her even more tightly than before, I'm a bit afraid to close my eyes and realize that this was just a dream, afraid to break the spell.

I'm in love.

I'm in love.

xxxxx xxxxx 

I sigh and open my eyes, waking up from a nap. I smile at the vision greeting me, my lover, Catherine still sleeping. 

Six months together and I'm still amazed when I see her in my arms every morning I wake up, I'm grateful for that too. I had foreseen it, it's not easy, we have both strong personalities, it's complicated and everyday feels like a struggle but it's a good one, one that is worth every and any sacrifice. We manage to balance everything, and I have to admit that Nancy being her sister, it was easy once everyone agreed to work together.

To make it short my life is perfect with imperfections. And I like it like that.

I lean in and kiss Cath's neck, she stirs in a sigh, after the third kiss her eyes flutter open. She smiles sleepily at me and I kiss her lips tenderly. "Hey there."

If Cath is a big sleeper she's pretty quick to get her wit together, and I'll never get used to that. Before I know it she's straddling me and kissing me passionately. "Hey yourself," she winks.

She bites her bottom lips with a smile. "I slept like a baby," she states.

"You snored like one too," I reply with a chuckle. She grabs my hips and tickles me in response. I squirm and giggle, trying to escape her grip in vain.

She only stops when I'm red enough to her taste. Our laughers subside and she kisses me. She teases my lips at first but it's not long before desire takes over us. My hands find their way to her skin but she grabs them and put them above my head. I comply but I need to touch her to I bring my head to her face as she's working on the button of my shirt, caressing the skin, driving me slowly insane. 

Kissing her makes me stupid and light-headed. I register the sound of something sliding against the fabric of my jeans, or the fact that Cath is pushing my hands away again, but it's too late by the time I realized that she has tied my hands with my own belt.

"Cath? Babe, what are you…" I don't finish my sentence as my breath hitch when she dips her tongue in my navel. "Oh god…"

She rakes her nail lightly along my ribs on my already oversensitive flesh making me writhe in pleasure. Her tongue makes a line from my bellybutton to my chest before circling one of my nipples. A deep moan bubble up from my throat as she slowly closes her lips on the bud before biting it.

She takes her sweet time to mark my body with her teeth and nail, turning me into a pile of mush, unable to articulate any coherent word. She teases all my weak spots and explores every inches of my body, it's not long before I shake for release. I'm writing in vain dying to touch her yet my hands being tied hinder me to do it.

She makes her way southward with kisses, nipping, sucking and nibbling. I cry out when her tongue runs flat against my fold before focusing its attention on my most sensitive bud.

I can only moaning aloud getting lost in the sensation, when her tongue dive deeper in my core I'm afraid to pass out. I can feel my orgasm bubbling up like a fire ready to inflame my whole being. She feels me on the edge and stops her motion, earning and grown of impatience. I might protest more eloquently if I didn't have to focus on breathing and on keeping my heart in my ribcage. She kisses my sex; my stomach, my chest, passes her head between my linked hands and hovers only a millimetre above my lips. I open my eyes a look at her silently begging her to let me fall over the edge. She runs the tip of her tongue on my lips first but pulls back when she sees me moving to kiss her. I lick my own taste on my flesh and she smiles at me.

Her lips connect with mine as she pushes her fingers in my core, making my hold her tightly and moan in her mouth. My heartbeat skyrockets and it's not long before my whole body shakes violently, waves of a powerful orgasm washing through me, taking my breath away.

She kisses me deeply and lovingly, slowly bringing me back on earth. I close my legs on her hand not wanting to break the contact yet, she buries her face in my neck raining kisses over it until I finally let her hand go. We stay silently there, holding one another tight, enjoying the closeness and the aftermath of our embrace.

As much as I would have wished for her to stay in bed all the afternoon we eventually get up and have a shower together. We decided to have a little party this evening with family and friends and I'm not sure that we can greet them being naked.

"I think everything's ready," I nuzzle in her neck before nibbling her flesh.

She hums in appreciation "Beware babe, I'm one hairbreadth away from taking you back in the bedroom and having my way with you again.

"Aren't we cocky now," I tease her.

"Oh but I have…" she gasps feeling my hand cupping her through her pants. "Babe," she squeaks.

I start stroking her and she grips the countertop so hard her knuckles turn white. I start to suck on her neck and slip one hand under her top to tease her breasts.

"Oh god…" she breathes out moving with my hand.

I apply more and more pressure on her core and in spite of her the layers of clothes I can feel her wetness. She starts to shake and her legs seem to be willing to let her down. I sink my teeth in her shoulder and stroke her hard as I feel her close she bends a bit forward riding my hand, and starts to convulse involuntarily when she comes.

I tighten my grip on her feeling her legs turning into cotton. I feel her erratic pulse under my lips as I kiss her neck again.

"God…what you're doing to me…" She mutters.

"I'll have you know that I don't need no bedroom to have my way with you," I say with blatant cockiness and she chuckles. 

"Oh I'll make you pay for this one," she pants.

She turns her head to me and we kiss languorously.

"I so need to change my pants," she giggles.

"And panties," I add.

"Who said I was wearing any?" she winks seductively at me before walking away and I can only gasp at the thought.

I look at my watch. We have 40 min before everyone start to arrive…plenty of time, I smile to myself before following Cath in the bathroom.

xxxxx

The evening is perfect. Everybody is enjoying themselves. The kids are running around with Greg, Warrick is beating Grissom and Brass at the video game – unbelievable but true, who would have thought that Griss and Brass were kids?

The other lab tech are joking around and Cath and I are making sure that no one is missing anything, stealing a kiss here and there when we can.

I take time to capture this moment and make memories.

I'm in love, I have a family that I love and who loves me back, what more could I possibly ask for?

I think about those last four years and I can only say that I have been blessed in so many ways. I look up and find Nancy's gaze she winks at me and I smile at her in response.

The last thing I can ask for, is for Nancy to be as lucky as me and find love again. I'm endlessly grateful to the force that brought us together, because when I think about it my life only truly started when I met her. I have a good feeling though, if the flirty glances her and Nick are exchanging are anything to go by, then I think that maybe lady luck might knock on Nancy's door soon.

I feel a pair of arms sneaking around my waist and I turn my head to kiss Cath before leaning against her.

"You were right," she says.

"About what?"

"Simple things are a drag. Thinking of all we've been through to be where we are now, only makes me feel luckier and happier than I already am," she elaborates. "It was worth it."

"Definitely," I reply before kissing her deeply as a silent 'I love you'.

If you ever have the chance to find love, grab it with both hands and hold onto it for dear life, don't let it go because all it brings, the pain and the happiness are worth it. 

Love is worth it, as terrifying as it is, it is worth it.

**The End**

* * *

**Another long story done. Once more it has been an really enjoyable journey in your company, I hope you had as much fun as I did. I'd like to thank everyone who took interest in the story and read it, and everyone who ever left a review. I'm endlessly grateful for your support and interest. Thanks for putting up with me I know I have breen cruel sometimes - though it was all fun on my side ;)**

**I'd like to make a special thanks to: **bene, bleed4her**(now you better finish the job on your side miss ;) )**, Dawny1**(I know I drove you crazy more than once,but hey...I can't help it ;) )**, chimp1984, Myx Nyx, OriginalAngelStyle, Titpom1, ry, Sutzina Zion, harrasedbytheFBI, chawkchic, I.love.you.miss., Marg Ryan, kaCSI, Fooly-Fool22,Casara,icklebitodd...**and well to everyone who reviewed (the list is very long sorry for the names I forgot, I still love you guys)**

**A very special thanks to:**

Max**, you helped me more than you think and I'm really grateful for everything ;)**

**Last but certainly not least:**

scuby**, I owe you this story because you're actually the one who suggested the plot to me in one of your review on my first fic, even though it was just a random remark then, but I made it and if it wasn't for you I wouldn't have gone that far. By the way, I told you I wouldn't hit the 50 chap, and I didn't so I won! Thanks for helping me with my english, thanks for writing with me on our other project, just thank you to stick around, fighting with me and putting up with me ;).**

Immi**, well, I told you already I love that mind of yours it's fusing in all direction with ideas, your point of view made the difference more than once and you help me through this even if you don't realize it.**

**That's it folks, I shall be back soon after a little break ( a very tiny one). Again thank you very very much, I love you guys.**

**Thanks for reading.**


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